#milo dearest

“Peter broke up with me, Lils. You're the only one that knows about us, I don't know who else to turn to” James whispered, tears falling down his cheek, as he buried his face into the crook of her neck. “I don't want him to leave me, I love him.” 

Lily couldn't believe her luck, they had broken up and all she'd had to do was flirt a little. As she comfortingly played with James’ hair and rubbed his back, she contemplated more. It seemed like James really was in love with Peter, more than he’d even liked her. There was a real risk of him overcoming their issues. She needed to make sure there was a way that the relationship would never be salvaged. But how? 

“Aw, it’s ok Jamie. You know that you can always come to me, right?” Lily pulled him closer, mind whirling with ideas. It would really help if Peter saw the way they looked together. It made much more sense for someone like James to be with someone like her, than with that…loser. She had never understood why they kept him around. James was the athletic one, Sirius the fun wildcard and Remus, ever the smart one, keeping them in check , what did Peter even bring to the table? 

James' tearful reply pulled Lily out of her thoughts. “I know Lily. Thanks for being there for me when I need it.” James shifted a bit so he was lying on her chest, just the way she wanted him to. He started talking about Peter, how much he loved him and wanted to get him back, but Lily didn’t listen to most of it. She was too busy thinking of ways to break them apart for good. 

It seemed like she didn’t even need to do anything, because just then, soft footsteps were outside the door, and Peter’s voice filled the room. He started saying, “James, are you there? I’m sorry—” but stopped when he saw the sight in front of him. 

Lily watched in glee as his face turned red with anger and betrayal, and his eyes welled with tears.

“I fucking knew it, you're such a liar James. I was coming to apologise to you, instead I caught you red handed with HER. Don’t ever talk to me again, you, you– you traitor!” Peter ran away just as tears started falling on his face, matching James’ own.  

Luck really was on her side, Lily thought, having to hide her smile in James' hair, giddy over how everything seemed to be falling into place. It was like fate agreed that it was meant to be the two of them together. 

“Don't worry, Jamie, I'll help you feel better.”

James started to cry again, but Lily shushed him and tentatively put her lips on his own. Immediately, he pulled back and asked, “What are you– Lily, are you sure? Why are you doing this? I still love Peter…”

“I know James, I just want you to be happy. You still want me right? I can help you forget about him, just for a moment.”

“Pete,” James had said softly, dropping onto the couch beside him. He was nervous, his fingers fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves, as he wondered if this could be something.

Peter’s eyes had flicked up, wide and kind of uncertain, before a slow smile spread across his face. “So it wasn’t a dream?”

“If it had been, would you have considered it a good one?” He questioned, his tone tinged with longing for the answer he so terribly craved. 

“Yes.” 

James had laughed, relief flooding through him. 

They didn’t really need to talk about it further, they both just knew, and soon they were dating and pulling each other for a kiss whenever possible. In classrooms between final exams, in the changing rooms after Quidditch, the room of requirement, the astronomy tower; there were not many places left in Hogwarts where they hadn't found themselves making out.

James couldn’t believe he’d gone his entire life without this– without Peter by his side in this way. Loving and caring for Peter had become a second nature to him at this point. Every time Peter leaned up close next to him, or put his arms around James, he had the overwhelming feeling of rightness, and he knew Peter felt it too. 

Still, whenever James even hinted at telling the others, Peter’s shoulders would tense.

“What if they think it’s weird?” Peter whispered one night, curled against James on his bed, the curtains drawn tight.

“Weird?” James had echoed, almost offended. “Baby, it’s us. Sirius and Remus would be so happy for us, like we were for them”

“I know” Peter cut in, though his voice was unsure. He pressed his face into James’s shoulder. “But I don’t want to be laughed at. I don’t want them to think… you could do better.”

James had gone quiet, his heart cracking just a little, before tilting Peter’s chin up. “There’s no ‘better.’ There’s just you.”

Peter hadn’t argued after that, but he hadn’t agreed either.

Even though James wanted to tell people, most of all he wanted Peter to be happy, so they had to resort to sneaking around while Sirius and Remus went out on dates. 

Since they were all kids at Hogwarts, the Marauders had known that one day they would all move in together in a big flat, it was their ultimate dream and fantasy, they all enjoyed each other's company after all. Sharing a place with the other boys had seemed like a great idea at the time, but now was like a giant cockblock for James and Peter, who wanted nothing more than to ravage each other. Even though it was hard, they took every opportunity they had, when Remus and Sirius weren’t home. Their secrecy had been working out perfectly, until one evening in early November.

Lily had known Sirius and Remus were out, so James and Peter probably were too, and the flat door was slightly ajar, so she didn’t think anything of it before walking in unannounced to pick up the book she’d left there two days ago. She spotted it immediately and was going to grab it and leave, but before she could, she heard voices from the room. James and Peter, laughing about something, so loudly that they must not have heard her. It sounded like they were having a good time.   

Thinking she should pop in and say hi before leaving, Lily walked down to the door of the room the noises were coming from. James and Peter were sitting on a couch with their backs to the door, so they didn’t notice her. She was just about to make herself heard when she noticed something odd. 

Lily blinked in shock, wondering if her vision was playing tricks on her. Surely James Potter, who’d been singularly and completely obsessed with her love for all these years, was not holding hands with Peter? 

She looked again, craning her neck to get a better view. No, they were definitely holding hands. Lily couldn’t bring herself to look away, and watched with horror as Peter snuggled closer on the couch to James and kissed his cheek, and James beamed down at him. A blinding bright smile that she recognized, she’d never seen him look like that at somebody else. In return, James gave Peter a proper kiss on the lips. 

He knew that the Dark Lord was on the rise once again, had heard the whispers; his only hope was to get the time-turner before he reclaimed a corporeal form. Peter's mind drifted back to that terrible night right after the Potters' deaths, when he'd hidden in his rat form beneath the floorboards of an abandoned house. The Death Eaters had gathered there, their voices carrying through the thin wood:

"The prototype could bring him back," someone had hissed. "Send someone back to prevent his downfall entirely."

"And risk temporal fractures?" Someone else – Peter couldn’t be bothered to remember who – laughed bitterly. "One mistake and we could erase ourselves from existence. The thing's unstable, experimental magic at its most dangerous."

"Besides," came a drawl, "it's locked away in Lucius's vault now.” None of them would ever risk their precious reputations retrieving it.

"Coward," someone had muttered. "Leave it to gather dust while our Lord remains... diminished."

Peter had pressed himself deeper into the shadows, his tiny heart hammering. They were too afraid, too comfortable in their self-preservation. But Peter? Peter had nothing left to lose.

And it wasn't like he could let something happen to Harry, not after reading that letter, the very one that had been stashed between items given to the boy from Dumbledore, as if he knew that Peter was there. Harry hadn't opened it, having been much more interested in photographs and safekeeps that had once belonged to his parents. But Peter had. He'd know that writing anywhere.

Once he finished reading, he knew he would rather risk being damned to a fate where he may no longer exist before he even began to think about giving up on his chance to fix things with James. Time was running out. Every day that passed brought You-Know-Who closer to returning, closer to claiming the time-turner for his own purposes. 

Sneaking out of Ron's dorm, he scurried away, travelling down to Hogsmeade so he could apparate away. After all, he was still a Gryffindor, and he let his bravery and instincts take over like he knew they had to if he wanted James, his James, back. 

He found himself outside of Malfoy Manor, the hood of his cloak pulled over his head to hide his identity. The imposing iron gates loomed before him, their serpentine designs seeming to writhe in the moonlight. Peter's hands shook as he cast a series of unlocking charms he'd learnt during his time with the Death Eaters – knowledge that now felt like a curse, but one he would use for redemption.

He knew the Malfoys wouldn't be home today; there was a big Quidditch game on, and he had heard Harry talking about it with his friends the night before, and Peter knew that they would never miss a chance to watch their son play.However, that didn't mean he could breeze through without worries. Just because the couple were gone didn't mean their many maids, cooks and all the other unnecessary staff rich people liked to have around would be.

Each footstep on the marble floors echoed like thunder in his ears. Peter pressed himself against cold walls whenever he heard voices, his heart hammering so loudly he was certain someone would hear it. A house-elf's voice drifted from the kitchens, and he held his breath until it faded away.

 ‘If I was a time-turner, where would I be?’ he wondered, as he searched through the halls. Lucius would keep something that valuable close, somewhere he could admire it, even if he was too cowardly to use it himself. With the Dark Lord currently gone, he was sure to be lax on the security of such a treasured item, no longer having to worry about repercussions if something, anything, happened to it. 

The manor felt endless, room after room of dark wood and expensive tapestries that seemed to judge him as he passed. Peter's sweaty palms left marks on every door handle. Finally, he entered what looked like an office; of course, Lucius had an office. His fingers shifted through drawer after drawer until he saw it. The time-turner. 

“Found you,” he said, voice hoarse, from not having spoken in a very long time.  

For a moment, Peter just stared at it, hardly daring to believe his luck. The device was more beautiful and terrifying than he'd imagined - intricate golden chains wrapped around an hourglass. The tiny device was impossibly heavy in his hands. This was it. His chance to undo everything, to save James, to make things right. His hands trembled as he reached for it.

He picked it up, twisting and spinning the device, until it was set on the correct date.

“Pleasepleaseplease,” he whispered under his breath, a small final plea to the Muggle gods. “Take me back.”

The air was sucked from Peter’s lungs as he found himself back in his old body once more, one that hadn’t been under the pressure of staying in the Animagus form for years on end. He tried to adjust to the way his bones felt different. There was too much happening in the moment – he heard the sound of his own voice, yelling in anger and jealousy, and then – he saw James. The familiar sight of his face, which he had missed so sorely, hit him like a train wreck, and the regret was just too much for him.

He stopped mid-sentence of his past self, choked up. It worked. Tears quickly spilled over, one after another, staining his cheeks and in seconds, James was pulling him in.

“Hey…shh, it's okay, baby.” He was confused about how Peter's emotions had changed so quickly, but the ache he felt seeing the pain that was radiating off of him was stronger than any questions that lay on the tip of his tongue.  “If you feel this strongly about it, then I'm sure you are right. Nobody is going to come between us. Ever.” 

Peter sniffled, the smell of James, the feel of him, the guilt and love blurring into one big mess of emotion overwhelming him. "Promise?" He soaked in the feeling of being in James’ arms once more, something that he thought he would never get again. 

“I promise.” 

A sense of relief flooded through him; all that was left was to handle Lily. “James, I… I changed my mind.” Peter looked up at him hopefully. “Let's go public. You said you would scream from the rooftops for me. Prove it.” 

James's entire face lit up like Peter had just handed him the world. "Really? Pete, are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured—"

"I'm sure," Peter interrupted. He was more sure than he had been in his whole life, because this was his way of getting everything he loved back. "I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of wasting time we could be spending together."