#milleniallove

I can’t remember the last time I actually liked someone.

I couldn’t figure out if I was too picky, too shallow, confusing friendships with intimacy and pointlessly dating the mildly interesting and interested. Maybe I held my expectations too high; maybe I was afraid to fall in love.

Regardless, I couldn’t find the one that I simply liked. The kind of like that grazed over your skin and into your butterfly gut. The kind of like that made you try harder to make him laugh, and laugh harder when you realized it was so easy. To bond over burritos and dream over dairy and sweat through your armpits at first gland.

Late in the summer I swiped right for a boy. We started chatting, jokingly planning a trip around the world with intentions of baking M&M cookies before bedtime cuddle sessions. *swoon*

But it was all too good to be true. The bittersweet two-letter phrase I knew all too well shattered my chocolate-kissed dreams: “just visiting.” He didn’t even have time to meet because his flight to LA was in three hours.

We remained to text because he said he could be back for a film gig. When his boss said they weren’t going to pay for his travel expenses, I began to question whether or not I was ever going to see this guy. We would joke about me flying to LA, but then he seriously booked a flight to Seattle with his miles.

I silently freaked out. A cute boy was going to fly all the way from LA to Seattle for me. I felt crazy to say the least. I had never even met the guy. I couldn’t even imagine how crazy he must have felt.  

It would be two and half more weeks until we would finally meet. Our Snapchat game was on fire—literally. There would always be a fire emoji right next to his name, followed by a yellow heart that even blossomed to red.

And by the time we awkwardly FaceTimed, I knew I had fallen in like with him. It was just the right amount of awkward to keep us going, and it was only going to get better from there.

From our first kiss to our last, I had felt things I hadn’t felt in years—almost as if I was in a relationship. Weird.

We lay on my bed, trying to wrap our heads around such an insanely beautiful weekend.

“I’m feeling emotions,” I said to him.

“If you had to describe your emotions, how would you describe them?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s just nice to be liked.”

“I like that. It’s nice to be liked too.”

I felt like shit saying goodbye, only to end up cuddling next to a pint of ice cream that night.

He liked me enough to book a ticket to Seattle, so I thought I’d return the favor.

We decided to see each other a month later in LA—short enough to continue whatever this was, and long enough to feel like I was in a relationship.

When really, I wasn’t. I like to think I have an open mind, but when it comes to long distance relationships, life is too short to have them. But then again, life is too short to waste opportunities.

So there I was, missing him, cuddling my pillow tighter and tighter, and dreaming that one morning he would wake up next to me. And soon enough that morning came, and several mornings to follow. But those mornings turned to nights, and I found myself kissing him goodbye once more. Only, this kiss felt different, sadder, knowing that I probably wouldn’t see him again. Plus, airports are just depressing anyway.

I think we both knew what was to come because neither of us wanted to talk about it. He lay in his bed until I landed, until we exchanged goodnight texts as if everything was normal. He went back to cuddling his pillow, as I cuddled mine, and I realized I had been holding on to much more than feathers for a month. I had been holding onto this feeling I had, and a feeling we all so desperately crave.

A couple weeks before we met in LA I told him that this—whatever this was—was supposed to be fun. I told him that there shouldn’t be any jealousy, and we didn’t need to talk about the future. Because to simply like someone kept me in the moment, and that’s all it had to be.

A week later our red heart emoji turned to two pink ones, as our snap streak stayed strong and our texts began to dwindle.

I can see your eye-rolling emojis right now. All I kept saying to myself was…