#mildren

ABNER: Yeah, well, I was a crappy angel. I was petulant. I deserted my post. I spent 700 years in heaven's lockup. I... No. Doesn't matter. We're a long way from Thaddeus now.

"I... no. Doesn't matter." shows that Abner hasn't reckoned AT ALL with ANYTHING that happened to him!!! He's just running. Which is why he likely can't really settle imho. Abner probably doesn't... know exactly what he wants because he hasn't made peace with WHO HE IS. And because Abner doesn't know what he wants, just a SIREN-like idea of it, he grabs at the first SAFE thing he sees that even LOOKS like happiness.

But aside// It’s interesting that Abner ended up in jail for desertion of all things. He always wanted to RUN, which makes him a kind of off-key parallel to Sam, who also deserted his post, leaving Kevin to fend for himself. The longing for a normal life is something Sam carried with him from throughout childhood, too...

But is Abner truly happy here? That's the biggest question. Is this "peace" he’s found an integrated, WHOLE kind of happiness? Or is it, as Hunteri Heroici 8x09 suggests of situations like this, just a form of pure escapism—an Apple Pie Figment, a White Picket Fence Ideal that isn't integrating all the parts of your real, complicated self?

9x10:

ABNER: We are friends. And the fall, it's our second chance. We can forget our old hates, who we were. GADREEL: It's not that easy. ABNER: Yes, it is. Look at me. I'm happy. GADREEL: And your vessel – is he happy? ABNER: He was an abusive ass. But I love my family, and they love me. I'm not a wise man, Gadreel. But I know this. The key to happiness? It's getting the one thing you want most and never letting it go.

But, crucially... it's a bit implied his family doesn't even really know him, do they? They just think their dad/husband turned a corner.

Which makes us ask... Can you really move forward by forgetting your past, or does true healing and true happiness require something deeper? Maybe something more honest and ugly?

What if I said that I'd bet money that if given the choice, the wife and kid might even want their REAL, complicated dad back? (We've seen how angels are bad at nuance and contradictory feelings... *ahem* AU Michael hello *ahem*)

GADREEL: And what if there's a price? ABNER: There's always a price. But it's worth paying.

(Is it worth paying? Is it REAL? I wonder. If I had to pick, I'd say no.)

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GADREEL

In contrast, Gadreel is too tied up in his past. Abner was looking forward with no nuance, and Gadreel was looking completely backward.

They’re opposites. It’s also interesting to me that Gadreel can so easily point out Abner’s hypocrisy, yet completely miss that what he wants most—to clear his good name—isn’t being served at all by the evil he’s doing in Metatron’s name.

And pointing out the state of vessel is also hilarious given that... Gadreel then just... KILLS the vessel. LMAO.

9x23:

GADREEL: I sat in this hole for thousands of years, thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own. The only thing that matters in the end is the mission—protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves—the humans. None of us is bigger than that. And we will not let our fears, our self-absorption prevent us from seeing it through. Not anymore.

Gadreel eventually arrives at a place not unlike Dean. "Protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves" IS helping "the little guy."

Yes, it’s still wrapped in the language of mission and redemption, but at its core, it becomes about saving the little people.

Gadreel stops looking backward or inward, BUT!!!! Not because he’s fully healed, but maybe because he isn’t quite healed ENOUGH to believe he deserves happiness for himself.

So instead, he throws himself into protecting others, trying to keep them from ending up like him.

///

(COMPARE TO DEAN:)

15x07:

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't. ... LEE: Ohh. All right. I'll be damned. Why do you care so much, Dean? DEAN: Because someone has to.

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MILDRED (THE LADY)

As for Into the Mystic, I struggle to fully integrate it with the themes above... but if I HAD to, it might come down to the idea that Dean nor Cas are both characters who become a little skittsh and hesitant with their own desires. They’re deliberate and restrained about grabbing happiness for themselves, I think, precisely BECAUSE their hearts have been misused in the past.

But here in Season 11, Dean’s heart isn’t entirely his own.

It’s been bent towards Amara, not by choice, but by some unnatural, nonconsensual pull. His agency is compromised, and that makes emotional clarity, much less pursuit of happiness or following his HEART, nearly impossible.

MILDRED: Well, it's for the best. It wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. DEAN [smiling]: Why not? MILDRED [chuckling and turning towards Dean]: Darlin'... If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [Dean smirks] Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

MILDRED... DOESN’T GET IT

Dean isn’t pining here. He’s sick. Sick at the thought of losing the last remnants of his heart and will. Those are parts of himself he’s fought to keep intact through YEARS of outside manipulation and violation.

Compare to Alastair in Season 4. He didn’t just break Dean physically; he warped Dean’s intimacy. That’s why, shortly after getting back from Hell, the Siren took the form of a brother figure/father figure/DEAN'S OWN self, not a lover. Because Dean wasn’t looking for romance. He was craving THEEE MIX OF ALL THINGS SAFE AND FAMILIAR IN HIS LIFE + understanding WITHOUT the risk of OTHER, of vulnerability.

And it didn’t stop there for Dean. Cain and Crowley followed in s8, distorting Dean's agency further. Demon Dean was like being roofied with disinhibition, and The Mark of Cain itself COMPLETELY stripped away Dean's self-control. It's was PURE DISINHIBITION, complete with total blackouts where Dean didn't even know what he was doing.

Now, in Season 11, Amara warps his HEART, and Dean becomes prey to, well... not SEDUCTION exactly, but maybe something far more insidious: this idea of cosmic inevitability.

So when Mildred speaks about love, about wanting someone, and it's "EASY" if you just "follow your heart." To me, it doesn’t land as sweet or wistful—it’s terrifying.

Because while it's a nice sentiment, it's naive in the world of SPN. Dean wants to want, for ALL of this season... been unable to trust that. It's HARD for Dean to trust that want in the first place when his agency has been manipulated so many times—by Alastair, by Cain and Crowley, by the Mark, by Amara?

And Cas? Cas gets snatched up and used so often too—by Heaven, by Naomi, by Lucifer, even by the cosmic narrative itself—that it only compounds that shaky foundation with the ONE PERSON Dean actually wants.

(Note// BTW, this whole business with not trusting your own heart and will is EXACTLY why Cas also RUNS when he gets the angel tablet. He's absolutely REELING from the prior loss of his will.)

In short, Dean is not always Dean’s. And Cas is not always Cas’s. That's the heart of it. And that makes it all scarier and harder that a kitschy tagline. Reaching for each other is a LOT harder than how normal ppl "GET" to reach for each other.

Because again... how do you follow your heart when it doesn’t always feel like your own? When your feelings, your wants, your will have been bent, coerced, or rewritten by someone, or SOMETHING, else?

To me this is why the Chuck stuff hits to hard. It's the same thing—but even BIGGER.

It has Dean up tossing and turning after Midlred says this, and it's no wonder. :(

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If I had to unite these things in a sum-up I guess....

Abner, Gadreel, and Dean are all coping with their ripped-up loss of their ability to DREAM in different ways.

Abner chooses escapism. He forgets the past, steals a quiet life to do it better, and calls it peace. But it’s not integrated happiness—it’s a retreat. And he feels like he deserves it more than who he stole it from. He’s the outlier in this group.

Gadreel is opposite; consumed by his past, desperate to rewrite history through redemption. But in his blind pursuit of clearing his name, he becomes a pawn for Metatron, doing more harm in the name of "good." His pain and guilt make him vulnerable to exploitation. Like Dean and Cas, really.

Dean’s journey, especially by Into the Mystic, is somewhere in between. He’s no longer trying to rewrite the past or run away. What he’s trying to do is survive, to hold on to whatever part of himself remains, all while facing HUGE COSMIC BRAINWASHING/EXPLOITATION. (A bit like Cas faced in s8, or Mary with the BMoL in s12.)