#mild problems

So I’m gonna rant a bit because I can’t anywhere else.

My dad just died, I don’t want ‘I’m sorry's’ or anything like that I haven’t seen him in like 20 years he never tried to contact us or help us out while we were kids. Apparently, he died of cancer. when he found out he had cancer he started looking for us, plus a step-brother I didn’t know I had but seems like he did the same to him as he did us.  He wasn’t abusive, he didn’t believe in hitting us, he just wasn’t there. He missed my birth to hang out with his friends, he dumped my mom by the hospital door when she was in labour with my brother, because he had a new years party to go to.

I don’t remember much about him. I remember hunger, he liked buying himself weed more than he liked feeding us. (they smell makes my stomach hurt to this day) I remember missed birthdays, I remember waiting for him and him coming the next day because he forgot,  I remember my mom trying to hide the fact that it was my birthday so I wouldn’t be disappointed he wasn’t there. He lived with us and I saw him maybe once a week. Eventually,(when I was 6 my brother was 2) my mom couldn’t take it and they separated but not being able to make enough money to take care of us, she left us with my grandmother and moved to America to find a job. I didn’t see my mother for a year she was in America trying sending us money to eat, I didn’t see my father either, I don’t know why we still lived in our old house, he just never came. Finally a year later my mom came back, she got a place to live and a steady job. She was taking us to America.

I remember finally seeing my dad, he was in my moms’ face. Screaming at her that she was taking us away from him, my grandma had kept my mom up with everything. She knew he never came to visit us and threw that in his face. She gave him a phone number so he could call us. I remember hugging him, I remember crying, I remember him promising me he would call. I remember waiting by the phone for a call that never came. (She told me not that long ago that he did call once in the middle of the night asking for us, she told him we were asleep if he liked, he could call us in the day and to not call collect next time)

Now that he’s dead his whole family is trying to play nice with me. Trying to get to know me. I wouldn’t mind but one of them rubbed me the wrong way. She tried to get a hold of me the day before he died but I didn’t see the messages until the next day. Her messages went from praising my dad on what a great man he was and how he was like a father to her to bashing my mom for not being a ‘good woman’ and staying with him. Now my mom is not perfect far from it, we have our issues. we even had a long period where we didn’t talk to each other, but I’m the only one allowed to talk shit about her. (maybe my sister) I told my mom she confronted them about it. (I am nowhere near as scary as that 5′3 woman) She apologised, saying she was sorry but that my dad meant so much to her and that he was like a father to her and they were so close. (I wanna strangle this woman) Here lies the problem, my cousins found me told my aunts and uncle now they're all trying to contact me.  Trying to make me feel sad about the death of a man I haven’t seen in 20 years.  I loved him once, but with him never being there for me I had to move on to save myself. I loved him, but then that love turned to anger, then sadness (I feel into a very deep depression my teen years feeling rejected from all sides so that’s not all on him), then that sadness turned to indifference. I just didn’t have the energy anymore to care, I couldn’t keep wondering if he tough of me. I couldn’t keep beating myself up for something I couldn’t change.  This man only started trying to find me this year way after I stopped keeping contact with anyone in Mexico.  Long after the family members, I had over there died.  The house I use to live at is gone, the town taken over by gangs.  The same gang that jumped my favourite uncle and he died from it. My grandma had died a couple of years before that from diabetes. I had nothing left over there so I left that all behind me. 

Now they all expect me to mourn a man I never really knew. They loved him, I get it. I’m glad he was a father to someone even if that someone wasn’t his own kids. Some say I should fake the sadness just so I don’t offend them. My best friend told me to tell them all to go screw themselves. ‘He didn’t give a shit about you till he was about to die, fuck that! fuck him!’ (she was there during my sad time, she has some anger toward him)  Other tell me I should feel real sadness because even if he wasn’t there he was my dad.  The truth is I want to feel sad, he meant so much to me once, but all the tears I had for him have been cried long ago I have nothing left for him. I don’t want to offend his family, but I just can’t get myself to feel anything toward him.  In a way, I think I mourned him long before his death.

(if anyone cares he did get a hold of my step-brother, but he wanted nothing to do with his dad)

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