#migumiglorious

Oh my god "try harder" is what all my teachers and counselor told me for the four year duration of middle school whenever I said I didn't understand the material in class or when I said I couldn't focus and it was h e l l. Honestly I think teachers say that cause they think students are lying, so that they can go "Oh I did my job I didn't ignore them" when in reality they're still doing that. I get close to flipping my shit every time I hear someone say it now.

Try harder has been my mantra through all of my childhood right the way through to my adult years. Try harder. 

Like honestly the whole time I was at university I was having a perpetual meltdown, there was no way I could have possibly tried harder. I graduated with a 2:1 with honors (I have no idea how to translate that for the Americans, sorry, it’s pretty good though, like not 4.0 good but Up There) and the first thing my professor said to me, with a big ole smile on his face was “now imagine what you could have done if you’d just tried harder” and all I could hear after that was the Kill Bill siren in my head. Like I’d just coasted my way there, and hand’t spent four years torturing myself, crying daily and completely destroying my personal life to try and keep it together long enough to reach graduation day.

And that’s a summary of my entire school life right there, with report cards that say “Joy is extremely clever but just doesn’t try hard enough”, “could be wonderful, if she only tried harder.” And it took until last year when I was joking with @jeneelestrange that it’s odd that I know all the things that I know because I’m not all that clever, and haha isn’t it funny that I’m able to remember these things despite this this and this, and there was this moment of pause which you could hear even over the internet before Jenee very gently nudged me with “hey...uh...that uh...that’s a learning disorder, you have a learning disorder” and I went haha no I just don’t try hard enough, I’m just not all that clever...right? I’m just stupid, right? Why else do I struggle so much with academic things...

think I sort of know how you feel about that a little(The indigo child thing, not the pain part. I haven't been in much pain for the duration of my life). I feel pretty glad that my mom never really bought into that kind of stuff now looking back on it. hm, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. In any case, you!!! are really awesome and strong!!! Reading about you makes me feel better about life, and I hope you have others in your life that give the same effect! Thanks for being here!!!(pt 2)

The whole indigo child thing that was going on when I was growing up was a Wild Ride and I’m still baffled and mildly upset by the whole thing, not so much because I didn’t turn out to be special in the way they meant, but more because I was taken advantage of by adults who rather than deal with their own shit, expected a sick child to do it for them. I was told by multiple people that my pain and illnesses growing up was the price for helping others to be whole. It was my Gift to the world.

And that’s some gods damned damaging bullshit right there. 

And I know several other “indigo children” who went through the same thing and it profoundly messes with your head because well, if these people who you trust and who are supposed to look after you are telling you this, maybe it’s true. Maybe your pain is worthwhile if it’s helping others. And then when you come blinking out of that haze and realize what was going on there’s just sheer raw fury to deal with. But mostly just exhaustion. And dealing with losing friends and family who are upset you are no longer adhering to their personal requirements of you. Which frankly, fuck ‘em.

i,,, jklfjdsklfjds thank u v v v first of all. 

yeah it ran from 2012-2013 for about half a year and it was garbage and gearing up to be extremely problematic

Someone could have put one of your works on a popular recommendations list, like on a tattooed page or something

It looks like my original Discworld fic is doing the rounds on...on...4chan...

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