My first oracle pull of October. Root Vegetables - âin those hidden places where most fear to go is where the most nourishment is waiting for you to behold.â
ââââââââââââââ
I donât know yet if my posts will include my reading interpretations as they sometimes feel broad (and shareable) but other times so personal. Iâll be writing them down in my tarot/oracle journal however for my future reference.
ââââââââââââââ-
The Season of the Witch oracle series is a STAPLE in my readings, swapping them out for each turn of the wheel. Lorraine Anderson is releasing the first of the SOTW tarot (Winter!) in a few days and Iâm so excited and looking forward to including that in my seasonal practice!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
As Mabon is fully behind us and the wheel keeps on turning, may we appreciate the abundance and generosity of the earth as we harvest. Gathering in our stores for the long winter and looking towards our next celebration, Samhain.
I made it safely to Indiana this morning. I was supposed to Come up on Friday but wanted to get ahead of the storm. Iâm so happy to be here you guys donât even know!!! Was greeted at the airport by three giant service dogs that were giving free pets, now Iâm here with Otis, the best boy, and the belladonna plants my mom has been doing such a good job growing for her first time! And itâs actually fall!!!! đ #belladonna #midwestwitch #indianagays #cobymichael #otisisthebestboy https://www.instagram.com/p/Ci-rkP7L6vR/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Signal boost to all my MidWest/ Great Lakes Witches!! Even back when Witchvox was still really active, I never found more than 2 witches in my state. Anyone else from Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, Ohio?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
I guess the hardest thing so far has been reprogramming my thoughts. I was brought up in a pretty religious household. On the scale of crazy religious cults, my church was about a 6. We were nondenominational. âChristianâ. Not so far on the spectrum that women could only wear plain dresses and the men wore wide brim hats and had to grow beards. We used electricity. We went to public schools(most of us). But we lived our life differently. Lived by a strict set of rules. No premarital sex. No secular music. Witness to everyone you know. BE THE SALT TO THE EARTH! For almost 17 years, that was where I spent my time, where I met most of my friends. I was homeschooled(told you it was a religious home) so church was my only social outlet. So I went through the motions, spent summers at Christian camps, raised my hands in praise during worship, volunteered in the nersury. I did it. But it never felt right, it never filled that gaping hole in my soul that I was told only Jesus could fill. 17 years. It was all I knew.
Witchcraft, or anything remotely Occult related was strictly forbidden so I was always secretly interested in it. I would sit in my room late at night on my computer and scroll through message boards and blogs and read anything I could find on the subject. And then I would turn off my laptop and cry and pray and ask God to forgive me for momentarily straying from his path. How could I? How could I turn my back on and question the God who created everything? Who gave me life and created the Earth in 7 days and flooded the entire planet except one family and every species of animal and made them live on a boat for a week? I better fess up and apologize or I might spend all eternity in fiery damnation. I just sat there and reread that and thought âhow the fuck did I believe any of this shit?â haha. As rediculous as it all sounds, its a scary thought. When youâve been taught that your entire life its so hard to unlearn.
So here I am. 24 years old and finally starting to live my life in a way that makes me happy, that gives me meaning. Its so exciting and yet terrifying at the same time! Studying Witchcraft just in these few short months has done so much to improve my life, in more ways than one! Iâm learning to love myself and others in a more pure and selfless way. Heres to starting this new, exciting life adventure!
TITLE: Perfectly Normal
CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: Chapter 13 - Joe
AUTHOR: midwestwitch
WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor Tom
GENRE Romance/Multi-chapter
FIC SUMMARY: Sequel to 'One Week'
RATING: M
AUTHORS NOTES/WARNINGS: Adult language, light drug content, some sexual content
Previous
Part Two
Joe: Then
âWe were, we were⊠and you know I care about you a lot, Sharon. And this has nothing to do with you. I mean, youâre great, perfect even⊠I donât know what it is, I just canât seem to figure out what it is thatâs wrong with us.â
I gulp. I am finally here, the place I didnât want to be. Ending a relationship is something I always dread because no matter what the feelings are, mutually or individually, someone still walks away with hurt feelings. Sharon and I never really discussed where the relationship was going. When we first met, we both understood that this could go long term or it could be casual and we didnât care either way. She knew my opinion on marriage and she didnât seem to mind. The topic came up on occasion but we never really pursued the conversation to a resolved end. Basically, we have been cruising along, not moving forward. We have been doing this for a long time.
I know exactly what the problem is, but thereâs no way I am going to tell Sharon whatâs really going on. Instead, I am going to tell her that she is far too good for me and she doesnât deserve this hemming and hawing on my part about a further commitment. I will tell her that itâs unfair to her to make her wait until I get my head together and can give her what she wants. Regardless of my reasons, all of these are completely factual and perfectly good reasons all on their own for me to end this relationship.
Unfortunately for Sharon and for me, the real reason I am ending this is because I am too head over heels in love with my best friend to allow any other woman into my heart. I donât know how anyone can be in love with two women at the same time, but I am not one of those men.
This is most unfair to me, because with my luck, I will be in love with Sam Chance for the rest of my life.
âIâm s-sorry, Sharon,â I say, trying to clear my head and not allow Sam to dominate my thoughts, as she so often does. I need to get this out and give Sharon my undivided attention. She deserves that much. âI care about you and I am very fond of you, but weâre not moving forward. I donât think thereâs anything more that either of us can take from this relationship.â
Sharon is staring at me skeptically, her big, glistening cerulean eyes shimmering with tears. I hate making people feel this way, especially someone I know so intimately. I want to hide her from all of this pain. If I could have told her two years ago that there was no way she would ever be able to compete with the unrequited love in my heart, both of us could be spared this painful break up. Unfortunately, I was lonely and Sam was the one insisting on setting us up, so I couldnât disappoint her. How was I to know that Sharon was delightful and intelligent, with a bubbly personality and a sharp, witty sense of humor, not to mention beautiful to boot? How could I have been so lucky to find this wonderful woman, a woman willing to share her life with me?
How could I be such an ass as to take that love and know that there was no way I could ever reciprocate it?
My nose starts to tingle, indicating that my eyes are about to flood with tears of my own. My heart aches desperately in my chest, having to do this to Sharon. I donât want to lose her, I really donât, but I know itâs the only fair way.
âThatâs not the whole truth, Joe,â Sharon finally states. I peer up at her after taking a moment to rub my eyes. I am, to say the least, surprised.
âWhat do you mean?â
âCome on,â she says, rolling her eyes. âYou and I both know thatâs not the real reason youâre breaking up with me.â I stare at her without speaking, my mind blank. âYouâre breaking up with me because Iâm not Sammy and Iâll never be Sammy.â
The first thing that happens is my entire body flushes cold. Then, my heart stops in my chest, my stomach twists itself into knots, and I clench my jaw so tight that I feel a tension headache starting at my temples. How could she know? And if Sharon figured it out, had Sam figured it out, or god forbid, Tom?
âHow ââ
âPlease, Joe,â she says with a sniffle. âIâm not an idiot. Itâs in the way you talk about her. The way you look at her. The way you are with her. I had an idea you had feelings for her when we first met, but I knew you loved her when we were at the beach⊠about six months ago.â
I am shocked, to say the least. I had really hoped I was being a little more discreet about my feelings. Maybe I am in the clear, because Sharon would naturally pay more attention to me than Sam or Tom. They usually gravitate toward one another. âYou knew?â I finally whisper to her.
She nods, wiping her eyes. âI doubt Sammy notices, but you stare at her. A lot.â
âI do?â
âAll the time,â she says and when I hear the pain in her voice my heart breaks again. âWhen everyone is talking or involved in something, you stand back and get this look in your eye⊠Like the sun sets on her and only her.â Sharon pauses to take a shaky breath before she continues. âHow can any woman compete with her?â
âIâm so sorry, Sharon,â I say to her quietly, truly meaning it. âI never wanted to hurt you.â
She shrugs. âItâs my own damn fault, honestly. I already had my suspicions and then I saw you staring at her, but instead of saying something or breaking up with you first, I stuck with it. I hoped maybe one day you would start looking at me like you look at her⊠but now I realize itâs never going to happen. You canât be happy with anyone, Joe, until you deal with your feelings for Sammy.â
âBut I canât, thatâs the thing!â I burst unwittingly. Holding onto all of these feelings and not having anyone to express it all to is a heavy burden. âWhat am I going to do? Thereâs no way I could ever betray Tomâs friendship by saying something to Sam about how I feel. Besides, telling her means I would lose her.â
Sharon sighs, crossing her arms and sitting back. âYouâve either got to tell her, Joe, or you have to let her go. Either way, you canât be in her life anymore.â
The fear I feel instantly with this statement is so strong it almost knocks me backwards. Lose Sam? Is Sharon insane? How could I ever lose Sam? How could I lose Tom? These people are too important to me to just shrug and walk away. I try to express this to Sharon, but she is unwavering. I realize too late that I am being awfully insensitive but Sharon doesnât seem to mind too much. This is why she is such a wonderful person.
âListen, Joe⊠Youâre sitting here, trying to tell me that itâs so unfair to me that you donât want to commit any further and that I should be finding the happiness I so deserve, but you should really be saying this to yourself.â She stands up, readjusting herself and I follow suit. She walks toward me and places her hands on my chest, absently wiping my shirt, a gesture of hers I find comforting. It hurts to think of her never doing it again. âYou either have to tell Sam the truth, for your sanity, and see how she takes it, or you have to decide that you deserve happiness, too. If Sam and Tom are really meant to be together, then nothing is going to split them up. Sam is married, with kids, and sheâs not going to just walk away from that life easily, and you know that. You are being more unfair to yourself than you are to me.â
âSharon, you donât understandâŠâ
âI understand perfectly,â she interrupts, crossing her arms again and stepping back. âYouâre telling me that I deserve someone who wants what I want. The biggest question here is why donât you think you deserve the same thing?â
Before I have a chance to answer her, she stands on tiptoe to kiss me on the cheek, gives me a sympathetic smile, and turns to leave. Just as she gets to the door I call out her name and she pauses, looking back at me just as I whisper, âThanks.â
Joe: Now
  âYeah. Tom and I are beyond talking this out anymore. The longer heâs gone the more I realize it. I think my marriage is over.â
Joeâs jaw dropped. Never, in all the years he had known Sam and Tom, would he have expected this. Sam and Tom were like two halves of the same whole. They had a rhythm unlike anyone he had ever seen before. They had the kind of love that songs and poems are written about, and there was never a doubt in Joeâs mind that Sam and Tom were meant to be together
And then, just like that, their rhythm was off and they were no longer together on anything. It scared Joe to know that a love story as beautiful and poetic as Tom and Samâs could ever reach a point where it was beyond repair.
This was not the way Joe wanted Samâs love, if he had his choice. He didnât want his friends to be in heartbroken over their broken marriage. He didnât want Emma and Izzie to have to go through the pain of a messy divorce. He didnât want to think that there was a possibility that he could win Samâs affections because she had been devastated enough to lose the true love of her life.
Then again he hadnât expected Sam and Tom to ever come to this much of an impasse in their relationship, so anything could happen at this point.
âArenât you going to say anything?â
 Samâs shaky voice finally penetrated the thin veil of Joeâs thoughts. He tried to clear his head and be there for his friend. He gave her an encouraging smile and sat straighter. âI think the best thing to do right now is sleep on it,â he said, going to the safest possible option he could think of. âYouâre over emotional right now and you know itâs not a good idea to make decisions when youâre emotional.â
âYouâre right,â she said, dejected. She was still pacing, white as a sheet and biting her lip. Joe could even see the slightest tremor in her fingers. He didnât want to comment on it. He just wanted her to calm down. âYouâre right, youâre right⊠I donât know what I should do about all of this. I havenât heard from him in three days, youâd think I would be freaking out, but Iâve just been⊠I donât know⊠Iâve been enjoying myself with you and now I canât get a hold of him and I have all of this guilt because I want to be mad at him but Iâm madder at myself,â she blurted out in one long breath. âI should just wait until heâs home and I can talk to him myself.â Joe watched her as she paced a few more steps before finally stopping and heaving a huge sigh that brought her to her knees. She bent over and started sobbing.
Joe was familiar with Samâs emotional outbursts and for the most part, knew how to handle them. This time, he was at a loss. He wanted to jump up and be by her side to coddle her and make sure she was okay, but at the same time this was an area he had never expected to venture. Sam was mourning the loss of a good marriage and there was nothing he could do to salve that kind of wound. She was going to have to cry this one out on her own.
âWhat am I doing, Joe? What happened to my marriage?â she cried between sobs, and Joe knew that sitting back and watching her was not an option. He stood up and walked over to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and standing her up to walk them back over to the fountain. He didnât want anyone noticing her crying on the ground. It certainly wouldnât give them any semblance of privacy, which was what they needed right now. As soon as they sat down on the fountain, Sam crumpled into him, her head resting against his shoulder as she cried. Joe kept his arm around her in an attempt to provide something steady for her to rely on. âWhat am I going to do? Iâm so lost⊠I canât let another marriage fail, Joe, I just canât⊠At least that time, Zach and I didnât have any kids to worry about⊠And Zach wasnât⊠Tom is⊠I justâŠâ
âSh,â Joe said, setting his head against Samâs. âYou donât need to figure this out tonight. Like I said, you need to sleep on it. Itâs not doing you any good to worry and fret when Tom isnât even here to talk to,â he assured her. âFor now, itâs probably best if you put it out of your mind.â
âJoe, thatâs the problem!â she said, sitting bolt upright. âI keep putting off everything I need to say to that man and now look where we are!â Samâs coffee colored eyes were blazing in her fervor to figure everything out. âHe ran off to escape our problems! Putting it out of my mind is the absolute worst thing I can do right now.â
Joe sighed heavily. âSam, be realistic. How the hell are you going to fix your marriage when your spouse is not here? Not to mention the fact that you canât get a hold of him. Besides, why would you want to fix your marriage over the phone?â
Sam nodded in response, sniffling and wiping her face. She seemed to be calming down but Joe sat in silence nonetheless and allowed his friend to gather her wits. He knew that she didnât favor breaking down, especially in public, and he was going to allow her to maintain her dignity. It was the least he could do for her.
âSo now what?â she asked after nearly five minutes of stretched silence.
Joe was so relieved to hear her speak that he felt a renewed sense of purpose. Tonight, he was going to do everything in his power to distract her from what was going on in her marriage. He wanted to put the light back in her eyes.
âI assume you donât want to go back to the movie?â he asked first.
She crinkled her nose in the adorable way that she always did. Joe smiled at the sight. âWeâve already lost our cherry spot. Besides, Iâve seen that movie over a hundred times.â
âSame here,â he said with a chuckle. âDo you want to go home?â
âNo, no,â she said, shaking her head. âI need a little more time to clear my head before I end my night⊠and if we go home, itâll be the end of the night.â
âOh⊠okay,â Joe said, frowning at her.
Sam saw his confused expression and she chuckled, a sound that was so unexpected and delightful that Joe knew the rest of the night was going to be infinitely better than it had been. âTrust me, I understood what I just said. Basically, I donât want to go home right now. I want to be out. I donât have any kids at the house, I donât have to be a wife and a mother tonight. Iâm just your Sam. What do you want with me?â
Joe had to bite his lip to keep every possible response from slipping out of his mouth right then. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep quiet about everything. Sam seemed to be getting closer to him in a very dangerous way. Instead of trying to actively discourage it, Joe was going out of his way to accommodate himself to Sam. As a direct result of this, Joeâs heart was overflowing and ready to just burst with all of the words he had waited so, so long to say.
It was unacceptable and he had to put a stop to it.
âWell, we can stay in the park. If you like,â Joe added quickly. The sun had made its daily journey beneath the horizon and there was still the slightest streak of orange and pink left in the sky. The gas lamps in the park had sparked to life over the last fifteen minutes and there was a soft, romantic feeling to the place. Joe knew it was a much smarter idea to just take Sam home and allow her to face her fears but he knew he couldnât do that. The worst, most aching part of his heart was speaking a lot louder than his logic.
He only hoped that over the course of the next few days or however long it took Tom to get back that he didnât succumb to this weakness. It could prove a very bad decision.
âI think thatâs a good idea,â Sam whispered. He peered over at her and saw a sweet, trusting smile spreading across her face. An icy fist of guilt gripped his heart. She had so much faith in him, Joe, her best friend, the sturdiest part of her support system right now, a man who would not let her down. He just hoped he could be that for her. It was going to be a struggle to ignore the thick feeling of magic in the air, the spell that was starting to descend over both of them.
âGood, letâs go,â he said abruptly, not allowing his guard to drop for a second. Joe took Samâs hand and stood up as quickly as possible so that their bodies were no longer touching and kept her at a chaste but comfortable distance as they started to wander past the fountain. Sam remained quiet as they walked, holding hands. Joeâs heart was hammering inside his chest. The silence was amiable, but he felt as though it still needed to be filled, if only to quiet the shouting thoughts in his head, the thoughts that were so dangerously close to being spoken.
But right as he decided to start them on a neutral, safe topic, Sam sighed heavily and wrapped her other hand around his arm, leaning into him and gripping him tightly. That ice he had mounted to protect his heart started to slowly melt and he found that he was slowly starting to forget what it was he was feeling so guilty about. Nothing mattered but this moment, a moment he would cherish forever. He didnât know if it meant anything more to Sam than it did to him, but he didnât care either. Right now, there was no huge family crisis looming around the corner, no daughters or marriage to worry about. It was just Sam and Joe, and they were joined together.
Maybe it was forever and maybe it was just now, but all Joe knew was that he was appreciating every second he got to be the person Sam clung to.
âWhere do you want to go?â he finally asked her. They had walked for so long in silence that he was sure they were going to get turned around before they felt like talking.
She shrugged nonchalantly, gazing around the layout of the park. âYou can take me anywhere. Iâm just enjoying the company.â
Joeâs heart lurched. There was something to the lilt in Samâs voice, the way she said this that made him think there was something⊠something to it⊠But he couldnât have heard right. Sam was too good of a person and too devoted to her family to ever even consider the possibility of them, like he had so many times.
âWell,â he said, coughing to make sure and clear the surprise out of his tone. âI bet the carousel is running now.â
Sam gasped the moment he said the word âcarousel.â âOh my god I bet itâs gorgeous all lit up at night! Can we go? Please?â
Joe rolled his eyes, pretending that her pleading was inconvenient when really seeing her big beautiful doe eyes wide and imploring had already obliterated any resolve he may have had to begin with. âFine, I guess,â he said with a chuckle, letting her drag him down another path.
âThis is so exciting,â she said as they walked on, an added bounce in her step. âItâs stupid, Iâve seen this damn carousel a million times on any other normal day, but I donât know what it is, itâs like thereâs something in the air tonight that is just making everything seem so⊠oh I donât knowâŠâ
âMagical?â Joe offered, completely swept away.
Sam stopped then, her hand still clasped around his. She turned to stare into his eyes and every thought Joe had immediately fled his brain under this penetrating gaze. He watched a tornado of tumultuous emotions sweep through her glistening brown eyes, feeling immensely anxious as he waited for the stillness to break. Joe wasnât even one hundred percent sure he wanted it to end at all, but Sam tore her gaze away and breathed a nearly inaudible, âYeah, magical,â before turning around and continuing on.
âI-Iâm sure itâll be beautiful tonight,â Joe said lamely, trying to mend the awkwardness that now hung in the air between them.
âIâd love to bring the girls here to see it,â Sam offered, her voice sounding somewhat far away and wistful. âThere just never seems to be time to do anything like that with them.â She sighed heavily, a sigh so sad it made Joeâs heart ache. âI know Emma would love it.â
âIâm sure she would.â
âI think itâs the teenaged sentiment not to care as much about your parents because theyâre wrong about everything,â Sam posed, âbut I just really never thought Emma would be a typical teenager.â
âYou know, I donât really think she is,â Joe offered.
âReally?â Sam asked, incredulous. âHow so?â
âWell, sheâs not egregiously disrespectful.â
Sam snorted. âWhat Emma are you talking about?â
Joe rolled his eyes and shook their joined hands in an effort to emphasize his point. âEvery teenager is disrespectful. My word was âegregious.â Iâve seen some real monsters that swear at their parents, yell at them, and then still have this gross idea of entitlement. To her credit, Emma is not one of these kids. Sure she has her tantrums, but what hormonal pubescent kid doesnât? It sucks being a teenager; physically, emotionally, mentally, socially.â He shuddered, remembering how he had gone through puberty in front of the camera, essentially sharing the most awkward years of his life with an audience. He loved his work but sometimes he wished he had been able to keep that part to himself.
âYeah, I suppose youâre right,â she agreed. âWeâve been tremendously lucky with both of our girls. I donât have to worry about Izzie for a little while but sheâs not nearly as emotional and high strung as Emma can be. I donât know what it is lately, I canât seem to connect with Emma.â
Joe took a deep breath. He had hoped to keep Emmaâs confidence but he didnât want Sam thinking that she was a bad mother because Emma wasnât willing to talk to her. âHonestly, Sam, you have nothing to worry about.â
Samâs head whipped around to stare at him, hard. âWhat are you talking about?â
âI talked to Emma the other morning,â he confessed. He could just see the lights of the carousel as they crested the final hill to the other side of the park. âHer problem is with Tom.â
âTom? Whatâs going on?â Samâs voice was hard and she was tugging on his arm. Joe wasnât sure she even realized she was doing it.
âWell, she seems to think that he doesnât want to be around her,â he said. âLike heâs deliberately trying to avoid her.â
âWhy the hell would she think that?â
âIâm not sure,â Joe said, not wanting to tell her the truth. Emma had confessed that she felt as though her father were avoiding her because she reminded him too much of Sam, but he certainly didnât want to tell her that. âShe seems to be real broken up over it.â
Sam sighed sadly again, her grip on Joeâs arm loosening. He felt the blood rush back in, unaware that she had been holding it so tightly. âTomâs been avoiding all of us lately.â
Joe held back anything that wanted to escape past his lips. Instead, he nudged her with his shoulder a bit as the carousel came more and more into view. They couldnât get a good look but it was certainly bright against the backdrop of the darkening sky. âHey, weâre almost there.â
âWow, that was fast,â she commented, and her pace quickened. The previous statement about Tom was forgotten and they hurried over toward the benches that sat opposite the carousel. Sam stopped before they got all the way there and turned to take in all the lights. âWow,â she sighed. âItâs beautiful.â
âYeah, it really is,â Joe said, unable to tear his eyes from Samâs face. Her expression was one he had not seen on her face in a long, long time. It was one full of hope and wonder, something that for many years had always been at Samâs very core. His heart felt lighter than it had in months, knowing that even after all of the things she had gone through, Sam was still Sam. The essence of who she was had not been extinguished, but merely dimmed. Without warning, his eyes filled with tears and everything that had overwhelmed and plagued him for months was there at the surface, clamoring to be heard and expressed and he didnât know if he could hold it back another second.
Thankfully, Sam broke him from this train of thought by tearing her gaze from the carousel and up to Joeâs, her eyes twinkling with the pure whimsy of the situation. âDo you want to ride?â
âW-What?â Joe stammered, caught off guard by the question. It certainly wasnât what he was expecting.
âRide with me? Please?â she said, grinning as she clasped her hands together and stuck out her bottom lip.
He laughed at her, turning his head away so he didnât just roll over. âI donât know about that, Sam.â
âOh come on!â she said forcefully. âWhy would you bring me all the way over here if you didnât want to ride?â
âTo make you happy,â Joe said, the statement flying out of his mouth so fast he didnât even have time to consider the consequences of saying it. Sam, however, only smiled wider at him, her eyes softening.
âIt would make me super happy if you rode with me!â she insisted.
He moaned and groaned for a few more seconds before finally agreeing. âBut weâre not riding on those dumb horses!â
âUgh! Poor sport,â she said, and she took his hand once again, leading him over to the ride. Honestly, Joe didnât care where they sat. He just wanted to make her smile.
They paid for the ride and climbed on, finally compromising on one of the small two-seaters. They settled in, squished together almost uncomfortably, laughing and joking about the situation. Sam continually teased him for not being âman enoughâ to ride a pony and Joe kept telling her she was crazy if she thought a grown man would sit on a sparkly pink porcelain horse. Once the ride began, though, Sam was quiet as she took everything in. Joe peered over at her and saw that her eyes were closed, the breeze gently wafting through the soft tendrils of her golden hair.
Joe had the chance while she had her eyes closed to really examine her. It was something he liked to do when she wasnât paying attention because the woman was really something else. Sam was nothing like the ubiquitous overly made up Hollywood glamour types, the kind of woman that couldnât leave the house with covering nearly every inch of herself in shiny beads to distract from the fact that she wasnât really all that beautiful or interesting.
Sam Chance was beautiful without even trying, on the inside and the outside. Her smile was warm and special, like she only really gave you a brilliant, gleaming grin when you were special. It was one of those small gifts she gave that let you know what you meant to her. Her eyes were always glittering and mischievous, something that was absolutely irresistible, but beyond all of her aesthetic attributes was the core of who she was. Sam was kind, compassionate, giving, and understanding. She was a wonderfully supportive friend, a great listener, and someone he knew he could turn to for comfort. On top of all that, she was exquisitely passionate. She loved her friends and family with fervor, gave one hundred and ten percent to her writing, and always had issues she wanted to discuss. Her passion was probably the thing Joe loved most about her.
Just before the ride ended Sam opened her eyes back up and sighed again, this time happily. She rested her head against his shoulder again and he rested his head on hers. The carousel came to a slow stop and they departed, walking over to the bench they had approached before and sitting down.
âThat was wonderful, Joe, thank you,â she said.
âYouâre very welcome, Sam.â
âYouâre too good to me.â
âNah,â Joe disagreed, nudging her again. âI just do it to shut you up.â
âOh, whatever.â
âMen donât ride merry-go-rounds, Sam. They only begrudgingly agree to accompany a woman onto one.â
âItâs not a merry-go-round, smart ass. Itâs a carousel,â she corrected. âAnd you seemed to be having a good time.â
âHow would you know? Your eyes were closed the whole time!â he accused.
Her cheeks flushed red and she turned away. âNot the whole time.â
Joe was flattered to hear this but chose not to speak on it. He didnât want to ruin the crazy thoughts in his head, the ones that just made him feel like things were changing. They couldnât change. That was bad.
Sam was silent as well, but Joe knew immediately that her attitude was shifting yet again. He didnât want her to start worrying again but he felt it was pointless to try and shake her from it. After all, it wasnât just going to go away on its own and he knew that Sam had a tendency to overthink things. It was part of that passionate side of her, a part that was frequently an obstacle.
âWhatâs on your mind?â he asked her after she made no move to begin talking. If nothing else, he was going to get her to express herself. That always seemed to help.
She shrugged in response, sitting back against the bench. âI donât know, just life.â
ââJust life?â What does that mean âjust life?ââ he spouted. âYou have to tell me, Iâm your best friend, and Iâve been so nice to you all night...â
âDonât try that Jewish guilt on me,â she said pointing an accusing finger at him. âIt doesnât work.â
âOh come on, I have to use it on someone, Iâve got so much of it.â Joe smirked. âTell me whatâs going on.â
âItâs⊠Well, itâs life, Joe, just life!â she said, throwing her hands in the air, exasperated. âI wish it was clearer. Like, I donât know⊠you start out on this road in high school, thinking things are going to go one way and that youâve made the right decision in a life partner, and then out of nowhere, life says âNope!â and takes it away from you. And then, for all of your hard work and suffering, life gives you this one amazing chance at love and happiness only to take it away and make you wait and wait for it to come back. When it finally does, life makes you think that itâs going to be okay from here on out, that youâre going to be happy and that youâre not going to struggle and then it starts to laugh at you and decides itâs going to ruin your happiness by just taking it away again. Why, Joe? Why does life want us to be miserable? It makes no sense to meâŠâ Sam spit everything out at once and then took a deep, cleansing breath. âSorry. You asked for it.â
âI did, I did,â he agreed, nodding. âIâm sorry youâre so frustrated, Sam, but life⊠Life isnât easy. Love isnât easy. Believe me.â Joe clamped his mouth shut for a second, still unwilling to let anything slip.
Sam, however, wasnât going to let this go so easily. She narrowed her eyes at him, turning on the bench so she could stare at him. He turned to her, unable to hold her piercing gaze for long. If he stared into her eyes for too long he knew the last of his will would crumble and he would confess everything.
She opened her mouth a couple of times, deciding against whatever she was going to say before finally speaking. Her voice was quiet and guarded, like she knew she was about to say something that could start some kind of emotional thunderstorm. âWhat happened with you and Sharon?â
So much happened inside Joe all at once that he wasnât sure heâd ever be able to completely explain what happened. First, there was the shock that she had brought this subject up yet again, coupled with the confusion of why she was so determined to know the answer. The fear, on top of the shock and confusion was nearly crippling. He didnât want her to know the truth but he didnât want to lie to her, either. She had asked him this numerous times throughout the years, so he knew that she just had a natural curiosity about it, but now he suspected that she must have had a suspicion there was something he wasnât telling her, something important. Among the other emotions he was already dealing with was the frustrating joy he was feeling, an agonizing exuberance he couldnât really deny. There was a part of him (deep, deep down though it was) that wanted to just confess everything to her, thereby taking full advantage of her current state of vulnerability and perhaps swaying her into his favor, since he could provide her the love and affection she was sorely missing elsewhere.
This was the particular emotion that Joe had the hardest time handling and the hardest time trying desperately to deny. He was a good person and he didnât like to hurt anyone, especially those closest to him. Tom was a good friend, and on top of that, a good man. There was no denying that about Tom Hiddleston. He was genuine, one of the most sincere people Joe knew, the kind that would give you the shirt off his back and cared deeply for the family he had created for himself. Tom had his faults, but everyone did, and overall, he was a good husband and father.
Unfortunately, Joe couldnât help but notice that there was trouble in paradise. He had watched as Tomâs attentiveness to his wife waned and then faded completely and knew that at some point, Sam would need him more than she had before. To be honest, there was no actual intent on Joeâs part to pounce, securing his place next to Sam in place of Tom. No, that had not been the purpose; he had just wanted to get close to Sam. He wanted to be near her, wanted to hold her in his arms for a second, feel what it was like to be there, with her.
Joeâs intentions were purely selfish. It was always about being close to Sam, no matter how he did it. Normally, these selfish, insanely cruel thoughts about his relationship with Sam were easy to dispel. Over the past few months it had become harder and harder to quiet them. The last couple of days they had been deafening.
âI know, I know, you hate it when I ask you,â Samâs voice sounded far off but Joe came back to her quickly. He realized that he had sat silent for nearly a full minute, not responding to Samâs question. She sounded slightly panicked as she reasoned with him. Joe would have stopped her sooner but he couldnât make his voice work quite yet. âI donât know what it is, over the past few months Iâve just been thinking more and more about it and I canât figure out why youâve always been so cryptic about it. I mean⊠Iâve even talked to Sharon about it and she wouldnât tell me what happened, either. I really donât get it.â
This was enough to snap Joe back to the present. He found his voice quickly, asking, âYou talked to Sharon about it? When did you talk to her? What did she say?â
âEasy,â Sam said, taken aback. She was staring at him with an incredibly puzzled expression, continuing. âI asked her a couple of weeks after you guys broke up, since you werenât talking to me about it. I really wanted to know what the reason was.â
âWhy?â Joe spat. He didnât mean to sound so angry. He was scared, not angry, and desperately wanted to get Sam off the subject. âWhy the hell was it any of your business, Sam?â
Samâs confusion quickly slipped into one of affront. âExcuse me?â
âMy reasons for breaking up with Sharon are just that. Mine,â he said, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. He had no idea what he was doing, yelling at Sam in public like this. It was insane and he didnât know how to stop himself. He felt like he was careening out of control in his efforts to avoid telling Sam how he really felt.
âWhen the hell did you get so private?â she cried, trying to keep her voice down and not cause a scene. Luckily the crowd tonight wasnât too thick. âYouâve always confided in me on a regular basis, up to your relationship with Sharon and everything after. Itâs the one damn thing you canât tell me about, and all of a sudden your business is private?â
âThere are some things I just donât want to tell you about, okay?â Joe answered, not bothering to lift his head up. He knew if he did that everything would spill out. He felt on the edge of a precipice, where one more nudge and heâd be ready to confess. He had to teeter himself back the other way and facing Sam in this enraged state would break him. âMaybe I need some things to be private. Maybe I like it that way.â
âI donât believe you,â Sam said coldly above him. âThereâs something else going on here, and I want to know what it is. Whatâs so horrible that you canât tell me about?â
âItâs notâŠâ Joe took a steadying breath, closed his eyes, and stretched up from his sitting position. When he opened his eyes he stared intently down at his hand, resting on his leg. He could not look at her. âItâs not horrible, Sam. Itâs not like that.â
âWell, then whatâs it like?â Sam demanded. âThereâs not a single thing you could tell me that will make me think any differently of you. Youâre still my Joe. What is so big that you could think that would ever change? Youâll always be my Joe.â
The next couple of seconds happened quickly but for Joe, the moment was so agonizing that it happened in slow motion. All at once, Joeâs eyes swept up from his hand, landing smack dab in the middle of Samâs penetrating gaze. His breath caught in his throat, his heart skipped a beat, and all the sound around him drowned out, leaving a rushing sound in his ears before time seemed to speed up into overdrive until he was in the present, opening his mouth and speaking the words that would haunt him forever.
âYouâre wrong.â
âWhat? No Iâm not.â
âYes. Yes you are. Thereâs just one thing that I could tell you right now that would change absolutely everything.â
âW-What do you mean?â Samâs voice was shaky. He knew she was onto him, and all of the warning bells went off in his brain, those horrible thoughts that he had tried so hard to fight for so long had finally won. Now that he had started, he couldnât stop. It was now or never.
âYou want me to give you some bullshit story about how Sharon and I just werenât compatible and that it was so banal I didnât even bother telling you what happened. You want me to say that either one of us was unfaithful, and too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. Youâd even accept some sordid tale about a sexual quirk that I couldnât handle. All of those things, Sam, I know you would forgive me for, but thereâs just one explanation for all of this that will affect our relationship in a negative way.â
âHow do you know it would be negative?â Sam asked, sounding panicked.
âThereâs no other way for it to go, Sam, Iâve considered it.â
The air was thick with tension but Joe let Sam ponder it for a second before she whispered, âTell me.â
Joe breathed deeply and turned to Sam. If he was doing this, he was going to be looking at her. He wasnât going to tell a woman he loved her with his back turned, especially this woman. He gingerly reached out and took her hands in his, taking the second to appreciate the moment before everything changed. She was so lovely, so wonderful and patient. He never wanted to forget how she felt in this exact moment, because from here on out, she would feel differently.
Once he had the courage, he took a deep breath and began. âSharon was a wonderful person. She was caring and considerate and any man in his right mind would be ecstatic to have her meet his mom. I would never be able to give Sharon that. Ever.â
âWhy?â Sam breathed, although he suspected she might know the answer.
âBecause for all of Sharonâs lovely qualities, there is one thing she will never ever be. You.â
Sam sat back immediately, yanking her hands out of Joeâs grasp. His heart felt wounded but he knew he couldnât expect happiness from her. Her face now bore a mixture of confusion, anger, and undeniable shock as she mouthed wordlessly for a second before finding her voice. âWhat⊠What the hell is that supposed to mean?â
He didnât want to scare her away. He had to tell her everything. He had to tell her that he didnât want to end her marriage or force a choice on her. He hadnât meant to fall in love with her all those years ago and he had tried to talk himself out of it every day since, but it was there, strong and undeniable. He had to tell her all of this but for some reason he couldnât find the words.
After a brief struggle for the right words, Joe knew he needed to speak. He had to explain this somehow. âIt means that I couldnât reconcile my feelings for you to give Sharon what she deserved. So I had to let her go.â
Sam frowned deeply at him, her eyes crazy with emotion. âYour feelings for meâŠâ
âI-I never meant for it to happen, Sam,â he began. âI never wanted to come between you and Tom and I never wanted you to be unhappy. I just wanted to be close to you⊠I tried so hard to talk myself out of how I felt for you, Sam, but it was pointless. IâŠâ Joeâs gaze swept over Samâs and for a brief second he saw the look in her eye shift from anger to something softer, an expectant look that shifted right back to her guarded veil of anger.
Joe wanted a few more minutes to prepare and calm himself down but he had to get through this. This was it. The moment he had feared for years was upon him. Whatever happened beyond this point was probably what was meant to happen anyway. At least it would finally be out there and he could get some closure.
âSam, for whatever itâs worthâŠâ he squeezed his eyes shut one more time, opening them just in time to finally, after so many long years, utter the words, âIâm in love with you.â
In reference to post/55533840742; they may be thinking of One Week by midwestwitch, however the details of that story are a bit different than the description so I might be completely wrong!
I think generally the description matches One Week by Midwestwitch! So thank you so much for the clue in. It was one of those that was wracking my brain, so my apologies to midwestwitch for not getting it in the first go and big big Hiddles thanks to you, anon, for the direction! xx