#middnight

since we were young little toddlers, all those around us, or those who have raised us have tried to teach us what was right and what was wrong. we needed to know the difference they would say. you have to be nice to people. you can't eat and talk with your mouth full. you have to go to school. etc etc. 22 years later and i still am trying to understand if what i was taught as right, is actually right for me. the constant struggle of trying to do the right thing, has been a bigger challenge then you can imagine. i feel clouded, i feel as though i can't truly be who i want to be because i will be judged. because i will disappoint those around me. “start correcting your grammar on your blog Alexis!” -No! i don't want to, i am typing as i think, if i want to express myself in a run on sentence, well gosh dammit, LET ME! “no you can't take a semester off of school, to travel, you have to finish!” -okay so instead let me struggle each day, let me hate every moment spent in these dungeons reading about cultures and their traditions instead of going out into the world and experiencing them first hand. “stick to your serving job, it pays your bills” -but i am tired at being cursed at by a mean man, all because my workplace, is out of baked potatoes, as if i was the one who ate them all. “don't date him, he's just going to play you.” “don't date him, he's not cute enough” -stfu, i follow my heart, not my eyes. do you see my struggle? i am doing what is “right” in the eyes of most people, mean while inside it just feels wrong. i feel as if i either have to get the courage to say fuck this and just leave, as i did when i was 18, or i should be a grown woman, understand that life is hard, and one must make sacrifices in order to succeed in life, this being that ultimate sacrifice....