#micro-preemie

Yes, I know it’s Monday again, but it is a long weekend, so we’re kind of in that weird world where it isn’t Sunday, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like Monday either. I am grateful that the school stuff seems to be going okay so far. There was one small issue, but I think it’s resolved, and at the very least, the teacher knows what to keep an eye out for. I am grateful to be able to do things…

A Mother’s Touch: The Miracle of Baby Richard

The NICU nurses brought the tiny infant to his mother so she could say her final goodbyes. But when she laid her hand over him, something incredible happened. Photo of a fetus in the womb at 20 weeks gestation Beth Hutchinson was scheduled to have uterine surgery on February 13th, 2020. Ten days prior, she was elated to find she was pregnant and canceled the surgery. She and her husband, Rick,…

From the Bottom of My Heart, Thank you.

Welcome back I know I missed last weeks blog post but I took a small (not complete) hiatus from most social media and didn’t post much about anything You guys know how much I love celebrating Scarlett’s milestones, both BIG and small. I sometimes get a little carried away, and who could blame me? Well…last week I celebrated a milestone of my own. On Saturday, as I was enjoying my day out with my…

In the first few weeks though, that was really hard for me to do. I wanted to spend all of my time with Scarlett, sitting with her, talking to her and letting her know that her momma was there. I never wanted her to feel like she wasn’t important or loved, or that she was doing this alone. We were in this together.

Having a baby in the hospital doesn’t mean you get an easier start on parenthood. (Every child comes with their own set of challenges – ours just started a little earlier than expected) Even though I didn’t have a crying baby waking me up at all hours of the night, I was still having to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump. (Though it was a while before Scarlett would be able to have any of my milk, I needed to make sure I had a supply ready for her.) But I was so so tired. Every morning felt like I was running a marathon. I would wake up early, pump, get ready for the day and hurry to make my way to the hospital before rounds. I didn’t want to miss anything. All I kept thinking was, okay, I have a baby in the hospital and I am fortunate enough to be there for her every day – so I need to make sure that I am.

Because the reality is, not all parents have this luxury. Mothers get 6 weeks of maternity leave – that’s it. Dad’s don’t have that option, and if they do, God bless you. If you can afford it and you have vacation days saved up, you might be able to use those too (if you’re lucky). Or maybe you planned ahead and decided to stop working once you have your baby, that’s awesome!

BUT.

When your baby is born early, your “plans” you had, go out the window. There is no set timeline in the NICU, you never really know when your baby will get to come home. Sometimes, babies don’t make it home; not to the home where their parents live, anyway.

When you stop to think about it, that’s a lot of pressure right?

But, that was my mindset. I knew I was blessed, and I was determined to take that blessing and make the most of it.

But it left me exhausted.

The first time I left Scarlett like actually didn’t see her for a full day, was the day my sister was married. In the days leading up to that, I had been strong. I had come to terms with my current situation and accepted the road I was on. But when that day was over, I completely broke down. I was tired, my boobs hurt and I had spent the entire day wishing I had my baby with me. All-day long people had been asking for her and I wished they hadn’t, because it only made me miss her more.

I remember ending up at my moms’ doorstep that night, sobbing. I just wanted to lay my head down and rest. I think that was the night I had finally realized I needed to take a time out. I needed to stop looking at the BIG PICTURE and instead focus on one thing at a time. I needed to allow myself to feel every single emotion I was feeling, and then deal with them one at a time.

I was angry. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I was scared. I was tired. I was overwhelmed.

And.

It.

Sucked.

It really freaking sucked.

Up until that point, I had just been focusing on staying positive, and being strong. I forgot that it was okay to NOT be okay. I was allowed to cry.  I was allowed to feel angry. I was allowed to be sad. Feeling all of those things was normal.

I felt cheated out of something special and I was allowed to mourn its loss.

So I did. I cried and I cried and I felt all of my feelings.

And then I gave it all to God.

I prayed and I talked to him. He, of course, knew how I was feeling, so I didn’t have to say very much. But I did. I talked to him and I asked him to be with me and give me strength and to carry these things for me because I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it alone.

I also talked to my people about how I was feeling. I told them I was struggling and we talked about it all. They, of course, all told me the same thing, take care of myself and that it was completely okay to feel the way I had been feeling. They also held me accountable and checked in on me from time to time. Making sure I was actually taking care of myself and not just saying I was.

You can’t drive a truck on an empty tank right?

So I started taking my time in the mornings, I would sleep in a little later on days I felt I needed a little more rest. I set a routine for myself and kept myself busy in-between visits with Scarlett. I tried to remind myself not to feel guilty for not always staying with her. It was okay for me to get out of the hospital for a little while and do something for myself. So I did. I actually got myself dressed every day and made myself look a little more presentable, which helped me feel better. I took my time getting to the hospital and made sure to feed myself while (if not before) I was there.  I usually always grabbed coffee (because duh, who could survive anything without coffee?) and I would take something to keep myself busy as I sat with her. In the afternoons I would leave to go have dinner with my mom and run errands. Or I would try to make plans with friends and family so I would have something to do other than spend ALL day at the hospital or the RMH.

On weekends BJ and I would visit Scarlett and then he and I would go out and do something together. It was important that we spend time together too. I can’t speak for him but I know he was working hard to support us. He was also probably feeling some if not all, of the same feelings I was about our life at the time and we needed to be there for each other too. Honestly, if I didn’t have him I know I would’ve been more stressed and worried than I already was. He has been an amazing partner and an even more amazing dad.

Things got better for me mentally and emotionally.

I thank God for my friends and family who were there for me and made sure I was okay. I can’t tell them all enough how much they helped me survive the most difficult time in my life. I love you all so much. And to the wonderful and amazing NICU nurses and staff who checked in on me and took their time to talk with me every day, Thank you. Your kindness meant the world to me and I hope you know what a blessing you are to families like mine.

Of course, some days were better than others, but I got through it.

So,

To the momma who is sitting in the hospital with your baby right now, please remember to take care of yourself too. That baby is going to need you happy and healthy when they get out of there. So try your best to take care of you. Know that while it is hard, and the road might seem never-ending, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You might not be able to see it yet, but I promise you its there.

Just have faith.

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Chapter One: And So Our Story Begins…

It’s been almost 9 months since I was admitted into the hospital for a threatened miscarriage. I still remember that morning as if it was just yesterday, it was one of the hardest and scariest days of my life. A day, never in my life I imagined would come to pass, but it did. On October 17th, 2017 my sister took me to the labor & delivery ER at UMC Hospital for bleeding, I was 21 weeks and 6 days…

After my surgery, I was in the hospital for two weeks, on STRICT bedrest…and I mean STRICT (poop in a bedpan strict). I’m sure you can imagine laying in a bed all day long is EXHAUSTING! Especially when you have to rely on everyone else to do things for you. During those first couples of days, I did okay. I was strong. I was a momma on a mission. I was doing what I needed to do to help my daughter. I wasn’t alone; I had BJ, my mom, Monica (my sister), BJ’s Parents (Mando & Rachel), and an ARMY of nurses looking after me. I had my village. My people. They were with me ’round the clock, helping and getting me whatever I needed. I was in great hands.

But after a few days, when everything calmed down and we realized that the scariest moment had passed, everyone had to go back to work & take care of business. Of course, they would come and visit me when they had the time. When BJ had to go back home, my anxiety level went from 0 to 100 instantly. I didn’t know how I was going to survive all the time in between. I freaked out and just kept thinking what if I need something? What if I can’t reach my phone? What if my call button falls and I can’t get to it or call for help? All of these things were running through my head. I know it might seem silly to worry about my phone, but, it was my only way to keep in touch with anyone. If it fell or died and I couldn’t get to my charger, what in the world was I going to do?

God bless my sweet momma for putting up with me. I can honestly say that without her I don’t think I would’ve done as well as I did. She stayed with me EVERY single night that BJ couldn’t be with me. There are not enough words to express my extreme gratitude to her for being there for me. She is an angel. I mean, we all know those hospital sofa beds are not comfortable AT ALL! But she toughed it out all those nights with me & still managed to make it to work at 4 o’clock in the morning the next day.

I was a mess. My hormones had my emotions running wild & all over the place. I remember trying to fall asleep at night and I couldn’t. Instead, I would completely break down in tears because I was so afraid. If you have ever had to stay in the hospital for a long period of time, I’m sure you know just how awful it can be. I know people always say that it’s “the time to relax and get some rest” but…seriously? When has anyone in the hospital ever gotten “rest”? Nurses check on you at odd hours of the day & night and sleeping in those beds is nothing like sleeping on your own, in your own house, surrounded by your own belongings. I absolutely hated it.

I’m going, to be honest with you, if it weren’t for God and my long talks with him (and trust me, they were looonn6./÷≥;’]nggg) I know my spirit wouldn’t have been okay. I felt so alone. Trapped. Don’t get me wrong, I knew EXACTLY why I had to lay in that bed. But it wasn’t easy. No sir, it was no walk in the park. God was testing me and teaching me. In those dark and early hours in the morning, when my mom was at work and my nurses had done their shift change. I would stare at the ceiling for what seemed like (and honestly probably was) hours. Just hoping and wishing that the time would fast forward. After talking with God, praying to and praising Him, I knew I wasn’t really alone. I knew that He was with me.

And…

I still had Scarlett.

WE were doing this TOGETHER.

In those still and quiet hours, I would talk to her. I would wait to feel her move and when she did, my heart felt so full of joy. She was my purpose for being there. Keeping her SAFE was my job. And if my job required me to lay in bed 24/7, then dang it, that’s what I was going to do! God is in control of all things. He writes our stories, knows our hearts and walks us through this life. He is in control of everything, but there was this ONE thing that I could help with and the was laying in that bed. Trying to keep a positive spirit and give all my worries to Him was something I could do too.

Because of that, he blessed me every day. Every morning when I woke up I would thank him for allowing Scarlett and me to make it through another night. When evening came I would thank him for another day & I would ask him for another. For two weeks, he answered my prayers.

Two weeks.

Then my whole world changed all over again.

Two days before Scarlett was born, I started bleeding again. I remember my sister and brother-in-law had just left after having dinner with me. I was talking to my sister on the phone (yeah, we are close like that. We talk ALL of the time lol), when something just didn’t feel right. I called my nurse and told her to check on things. She did, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her. A few calls later she realized I probably shouldn’t have been bleeding so much. The doctors were called in and they did a pelvic exam. They realized my bags of water were still bulging out, but they didn’t want to do anything for fear of causing more harm than good. After a while, they decided it was best to send me back downstairs to L&D (I had been moved to an antepartum floor). So downstairs I went (for the 3rd time). It seemed as though every time I made it another week, they were sending me downstairs because my bleeding would start up again. Up until now Scarlett was never in any distress and seemed content right where she was.

Thankfully that night she didn’t come. It wasn’t until the afternoon of the following day things started happening again. This time my brother had come to visit, and while we were talking I started having these cramp-like pains. I told my nurse about it and she advised me to keep track of them and if they continued to increase I should let her know. (My brother did a better job of keeping track than I did lol) After 3-4 hours of this light cramping that came and went the doctors were called in again. They did an ultrasound and realized I was dilated to a 3 and Scarlett was now facing down, in position to start making her way out. I guess they were in denial or maybe they were hoping I would just stay pregnant a little longer, but they didn’t think anything was going to happen that night. Instead, they gave me some medicine they said would put me to sleep.

Boy were they wrong. Oh so very wrong.

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But I wasn’t.

As I said before my nurse asked me to keep track of my “cramps” and let her know if they started to come more frequently. Once they did, the doctors were called in and they did an ultrasound which showed Scarlett’s positioning and that I was now dilated to a 3.

Now here is where my story gets a little crazier.

At this point, my mom, sister, and in-laws were with me, and BJ was hauling butt all the way from home in Andrews to get there. They were all praying Scarlett wouldn’t come but preparing themselves just in case she did.

For whatever reason, most likely because my doctors just did not WANT me to be in labor (as if I did…) they told me I was probably just experiencing Braxton Hicks. So they gave me some medication to help me sleep. They told me to “just try to relax and get some rest.”

Yeah right!!

Ladies (for those of you who’ve had children) did any of you get ANY sleep during LABOR??

Ha, I didn’t think so. Neither did I.

Several hours later, my contractions began to increase in frequency and intensity. By now, all of the grandparents had gone home to rest, thinking Scarlett wasn’t going to make her debut after all.

It was just me, BJ, and my sister.

Whatever medicine they gave me DID NOT WORK. Because it felt like my body was being ripped wide open. And the pressure…oh my gosh!! Never in my life, had I felt so much pressure. It honestly felt like I had to take the biggest poop of my life!!

I literally kept yelling (because I was extremely pissed off at this point), “I JUST NEED TO POOP!!” I swore if only they would let me poop everything was going to feel better. Scarlett was going to be okay, she wasn’t going to come out. I just needed to poop. Which had been hard to do (you know, with the whole…doing it while having to lay down). But nope. My sister kept telling me “DON’T POOP!”

By now, my nurse had been checking on me frequently and the doctors said they were monitoring my progress outside.

I just felt so angry. I felt like no one was listening to me. No one wanted to believe I was in labor. No one did anything about the pain I was in. AND no one wanted to let me poop!

Finally!

All at once, people swarmed the room, literally. There were at LEAST twenty people in there. NICU was called and they had a team set up and ready for Scarlett. As I lay there, pissed off, in pain and with 20+ people staring at my lady bits, I remember looking to BJ. He was so calm, but you could see the worry and concern in his face. He held my hand and (I think knew better) stayed very quiet.

At last.

One of the doctors told me it was time, I could finally push.

One push – that was all it took.

Instantly, that pressure was gone.

Everything after that happened super fast.

I remember looking down and seeing the doctor cup his hands and hand Scarlett off, I didn’t even get to see her. BJ held my hand, I looked up at him and he said, “ You did so good babe. You did good.”

I looked to my sister next, she had been standing behind BJ but was now hovering over the NICU team and watching Scarlett. I just kept staring in that corner. When she finally caught my eye, she nodded, hands held tightly in front of her, and said, “She’s good. She’s okay.” She had the biggest smile on her face.

I don’t remember anything else after that. BJ traded places with my sister to see his daughter for the first time and Monica came to my side. Apparently, when Scarlett came out she was packed and ready to go. She brought everything with her. My water never even broke, when she came out she was still in the bag and the placenta came with her. They had to break it to get her out. BJ & my sister say she looked like a little football.

Scarlett also has ninja skills. Remember those stitches they used to sew my cervix? They were still intact. All seven of them. The doctor who delivered Scarlett had to cut them out afterward. Somehow, she managed to wiggle herself and all her “baggage” over them.

Crazy right?

So there you have it.

On October 31st, 2017 at 1:58 a.m., weighing in at 1 pound 3 ounces and 10 inches long,

Scarlett Rain Riojas made her grand entrance into the world. (And none of the grandmas were there to witness it lol)

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