my new life is so much quieter. iâm pretty social but iâve always been naturally quiet. a lifelong friendsâ dad described me as âmild manneredâ when talking about watching one of my music videos; he was so shocked to see who i am as an artist. but he loved it and that always stuck with me
i have my own place now. iâm finally safe. i donât get yelled at or attacked anymore. i can wear my shoes and walk into my bedroom if i want to. i used to do that just to see what an outfit would look like, and i would get screamed at. iâd have clean the bottom of my shoes with a lysol wipe if i wanted to try out an outfit i was planning.
i can leave things out (organized, mind you) on the counter so i donât forget them. i was yelled at for that too.
i never realized how controlled i was until it became too much. i called this person my best friend, my lifelong partner. and i really loved him. i genuinely loved him so much and in hindsight, it just feels like stockholm syndrome now. i couldnât do anything without it being a huge fight. and the fights would last hours. i would apologize and apologize. i would beg for the verbal abuse to stop. and i couldnât ever wrap my head around it because i just loved this person so much. i couldnât imagine treating him the way he treated me until i started to retaliate and fight fire with fire. i would start complaining about things i didnât even care about. i just wanted to feel control. âyou just wanna get even, thatâs all you care aboutâ. but it begs the question⊠why would i need to âget evenâ if nothing was being done to me? clearly i was crying out for help. constantly. but for some reason, my cries werenât valid, they were âcrazyâ and âirrationalâ. why do you think i went crazy?
now my life is quiet. peaceful. and i have a partner thatâs a true best friend. i donât feel the need to fight for my life anymore.
even now i look back with rose colored glasses until i start remembering what kind of overly controlled hell i was living through. and this person still doesnât see an issue with how he treated me. he called their endless needs âboundariesâ, meanwhile i didnât get to have any of my own. we were in an open relationship, but only âhe was allowedâ. i got âtoo much validation online to need any kind of sexual attention in real lifeâ. so my ex would go off and do what he wanted while i sat at home for his sake. then when i asked for simple things in return, it was always met with belligerence. unbelievable.
i couldnât get him to stop searching sniffies or grindr. we had a joint account and i couldnât even look at it without him snatching the phone back from me. when someone would give me attention in public, or flirt with me at a club, i would get yelled at for it. like it was my fault that someone was simply giving me a compliment, which i always rejected.
i donât know why i walked on eggshells with my ex for so long. i felt so weak for allowing it, but i think i was in love with a person that just didnât exist. and in this loop of always thinking one day id please him enough to gain respect. stupid of me, but thatâs how the cycles of violence continue, and i donât blame myself for having faith in someone i loved anymore.
it was so confusing because this was the person who would endlessly help me with my creative, really showed up for me in that department. at one point, i started to feel like i couldnât do my career without them. this person even suggested i would fail without them, saying i was too âdumbâ and disorganized to accomplish anything on my own. he loved to insult my intelligence. he would pass it off as a joke, but a person that respects you doesnât âjokeâ about those kinds of things.
recently someone posted a review of my latest song danse and described me as âstronger and more in control than everâ. the reviewer didnât even know what my life was like, yet somehow, through the music, he could sense this new found power and peace
thatâs why i continue to create. why i continue to tell my stories through the lens of dance music. i wrap pieces of my life amongst these tracks, because i know the right people understand and âreally see meâ.
another commenter on tiktok said about danse, âI believe this banger is about being betrayed in love so much that now you are the one betrayingâ
which also was true. in the end, i ended up âbetrayingâ my abuser. and i feel a lot of guilt and sadness for this still. but through my own self-work and therapy, i realize that it only lead me to the life i deserve. and the fact that i can recognize and feel remorse my wrongdoings is actually a great indicator of my moral compass. itâs not an excuse, but i at least can go to bed knowing that i really tried to do the right thing for so many years until i just couldnât handle being betrayed anymore.
i will never treat someone the way he treated me, and while i have regrets, i can sleep at night knowing that simple fact. and iâve found so much love in my life since, from my partner to my friends â old and new.
danse is about finding the love again, trust falling into it, and praying that iâm making the right choices. itâs safe to say, i made the right decision in the end.
you can listen to DANSE everywhere now. thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it this far. i love getting to feel just a little closer to anyone who listens. and i wish my ex the best. i hope he becomes a kinder, less selfish person. i donât know if ill ever get an apology for the hell i was put through, but i feel like itâs okay now. as long as i wake up every day and push through, im alive. and im happy.
