#michael fischa

This is one of those movies where I've been abundantly aware of the key art for most of my life, and maybe I lagged on watching it because I thought I understood what it was going to be. And I thought wrong! Sometimes you love to be corrected. Instead of a standard issue slasher movie starring a bunch of spandex-clad hardbodies...I mean, it is that, but it also features supernatural horror, an extremely soapy and confusing plot, and sci-fi elements that make it feel surprisingly modern.

The Starbody Health Spa is an amorphous institution that is at once a gym, a dance studio, a day spa, a restaurant, a tech company, and a lifestyle brand--basically, it is every inch a startup company that wants to be all things to all people. For no reason at all, the workout machines are all connected to a cutting edge, computerized master control system that is just as threatening to the clients as the ghost of the CEO's jealous ex-wife. I'm making this sound a lot more coherent and predictable than it actually is and I'm deliberately leaving out a lot of nuances and bizarre revelations because I'm so glad that I saw this with such low and simple expectations. It's really, really weird.

But full disclosure, for many years I worked for a techy startup that was acquired by one of the world's main evil megacorps, and I saw a surprising amount of modern life reflected in the delightfully dated DEATH SPA. The entrepreneuring imagineer who can't focus on perfecting just one useful good or service, instead sprawling out mindlessly into multiple markets just in case there's still a dollar left on the table somewhere; the implementation of overblown and hard-to-control technology with multiplying failure points that improves nothing for the end users but looks exciting to investors and advertisers; the importance of brand identity over product quality...I mean, this movie honestly gave me the chills, the way it reminded me of what it's like to work for one of these shameful pseudo-futuristic companies lead by a guy who doesn't know he's basically just a ridiculous figurehead and not an actual scientist or engineer or guy who knows how to do stuff. Watch DEATH SPA today and see if it doesn't give you a grim frisson of recognition!

Dean Haglund in "Rice Girl" (2003)

Death Spa (1989)