#mhasiyah

xky part 2 This isn’t the first time they’ve done this, as the antivirus they put on our netbooks can also be used for spying too (it can even track your location and compares you to other students). I’ve managed to corrupt both to the point at which they’re basically harmless, but is it normal to spend excessive periods of time researching this stuff, and being so scared of it that it really affects you? Am I just being really paranoid? There’s no councillor in my school to talk to. :’)

Hi xky,

I'm sorry you've been feeling paranoid and anxious about being watched. When it comes to anxiety - there is nothing that's "not normal" to be worried about. In this day and age and with the political climate we've been finding out a lot about our online info being monitored and electronic surveillance so it's definitely something on a lot of people's minds and I think many of us feel some degree of anxiety about the concept. It does sound like your anxiety around this issue is becoming a problem in terms of how much it's affecting you and impairing your day to day activities and happiness. Again though, even this is not abnormal. For those of us with anxiety, regardless of what our anxiety latches onto, it can feel like it's taking over your life but it doesn't have to, you deserve to be comfortable and anxiety-free!

My first suggestion would definitely be some sort of counselling. You don't have a school counsellor as you say but would it be possible to speak with your parents about seeking counselling outside of school? If you think that could work I highly encourage seeking out some support in that way. We have a great page here on getting help with tips on how to reach out. You could also see if there are youth centres or community centres in your area that offer free counselling. Otherwise, finding someone you trust to speak to about your worries can be a tremendous relief - you don't have to carry those fears around alone. A family member, trusted teacher, or even a close friend could be options there. If counselling is currently not possible, there are things you can do to manage your anxiety yourself. We have an informational page about anxiety here that has lots of good information. It also has links for help with anxiety. Here is another page with techniques for calming anxiety and panic.

Something else you may want to do is speak with your doctor. Your doctor can sometimes help with referals to therapists or counsellors but they can also speak to you about medication. Some people find taking medication for their anxiety can be very beneficial. Your doctor can speak to you about different medications and whether they would be helpful for you.

As for what's going on with your netbook - that definitely sounds frightening. I too would be uncomfortable finding out my school installed spyware on my computer. Is it a school-assigned netbook? If it is, while uncomfortable, is something fairly common for schools to monitor usage of their computers. If it is your own personal netbook not given to you by the school then that seems like it would be something questionable legally and certainly ethically. If that is the case, I would consider discussing it with your parents and perhaps receiving legal advice about what your rights are.

I hope you are able to find relief for your feelings of anxiety and wish you the best!

Hi redhand,

You're definitely at a place in your life that is scary for anyone! Being independent is great. But as I'm sure you're discovering, there are some downsides, like jobs. Getting your first job is a pretty daunting experience for anyone but I know it can be doubly hard when you experience social anxiety.

First off though, I want to reassure you that you'll be able to find a job that you can do! Social anxiety might make it a bit tougher but it's not going to stop you!! I have pretty bad social anxiety, and work is somewhere I struggle most with it, but it's doable!

I am not sure what kinds of jobs you've been looking into. Most peoples first jobs are in the retail or service industry which unfortunately involve a lot of social interaction. I've found that in a work setting, I have an easier time with managing my social anxiety because there are set things I am supposed to do and say. Most companies have set lines and greetings they'd like you to use with customers. This can really take some of the pressure off because you don't have to spend time mulling over your next words in your head or analyzing what you will say next. You already know. In jobs that don't have set lines and greetings, it can be helpful to write a little script for yourself.

Something else to consider it looking at jobs with very little person-to-person interaction. Most stores hire stockers separately from regular retail staff who usually have earlier or later shifts to get work done when the store is closed. I have found grocery stores are a good bet for hiring folks with little to no work experience. Stocking positions are great because you go in, put things on shelves, and leave - no social anxiety inducing interactions to be had.

I know though, that social anxiety doesn't always like to listen to logic like "i'm only stocking shelves so no need to be anxious" and can strike any time you're around people. I think it would be a great idea to start putting together a support network to get you through! Have you tried speaking to your parents about your concerns? Another thing to do would be to seek out the support of a professional. A counsellor or therapist might be able to help you work through your social anxiety or give you some good techniques to cope with it. A doctor might be able to prescribe you some anti-anxiety medication if you both decide it's a good idea. I'd definitely look into getting some more help and support. You can check out out getting help page if you're unsure of how to reach out. Having that support network can make everything else around getting a job just that much easier.

Now, I have talked about once you have a job but you may be thinking about the process leading up to it! Applying and interviewing for jobs is nerve-wracking for everyone but those of us with social anxiety can have more difficulty with it. Some good news is that many companies prefer to take applications exlusively online. It makes applying a lot easier when all you have to do is plug in some info to a computer. Many other places will do initial communication via email which can be less stressful as well. If you do apply somewhere in person, writing down what you’ll say it helpful. Like, “Hi I am x, looking to apply for x position, is there a manager around I can submit my application to?” 

At some point or another though, you'll probably end up having to do an interview. I've interviewed about 10 times in my working life and interviews still make me sweat. I do have some tips though. It's always a good idea to start by researching the company you're interviewing at! Lurk around their website (if they have one) so you can get a feel for the company values and what they are looking for. Many companies have "mission statements" or something similar which can give you some good keywords to try and work into your interview if you can. Next, look up interview questions and prepare some answers. Look at a few different websites to get a variety of questions and write down how you'd answer them. Not every place will ask the same questions but most ask similar ones. If you have answers to the questions prepared ahead of time then you won't be both wracking your brain for an answer and trying to stay calm. You only have to focus on the calm. If you are able, have a friend ask you the questions in random order and work on answering them without looking at what you wrote down. If you don't have someone to practice with, do so aloud by yourself!

Ok so you have an interview, great. You've prepared for it and it's the day of - what do you do? Well make sure you've got enough time. Don't worry about being too early. Give yourself enough time that you can get ready at an easy pace, double check that you have everything you need and eat a healthy meal (if you can.) Interviewing on an empty stomach is never fun! Aim to arrive 15 minutes early. When you greet your interviewer, it's ok to tell them you're nervous! When they ask you how you are you can say something like "I am doing well but feeling a bit nervous!" The interviewer will have seen your resume and know this is likely a first time interview for you and hopefully be understanding. Take your time answering questions and don't be afraid to pause, catch your breath, and give yourself time to speak and answer the questions. Remember to say thanks when it's over! And breathe. There's a plethora more of interview advice online so be sure to do some googling.

I hope you found this helpful and I wish you the best with your job hunt!! You've got this.

Hi lovely,

I am sorry to hear you've had such a stressful time in school and that your sister has as well. It's sounds like your mom is understanding of the situation because you are in online school, that's good. I hope being in online school is less stressful!

It sounds like a big stressor for you is meeting new people at school. This is something I struggled with a lot. I like to remind myself that most people are nervous for their first day as well. Some level of nerves are a normal reaction. Now, it does sounds like you're experiencing more than nerves. I am not a professional so I cannot make a diagnosis but it sounds like you've been experiencing some anxiety as well as social anxiety. If you'd like, you can check out our page on anxiety here and see if it sounds familiar.

I wonder whether you've considered speaking with a professional about this? I am not sure whether you'd eventually like to return to a classroom setting but if that is your goal, having a good support network will be key! Even if you don't go back to a classroom setting any time soon, there may be situations that bring up the same type of feelings of stress or anxiety. I think it would be a really good idea to look into getting some help. Whether it's having someone to talk to like a counsellor or therapist, or enlisting the help of your family doctor. I mention your doctor because it sounds like the reactions to stress you're having can make it pretty hard to go about your day to day activities.. There are some medications you can take for stress and anxiety that might lessen the physical symptoms, or your doctor may be able to prescribe something for the migraines you get. If you're not sure how to ask for help, we have a great page about that here!

Whatever you decide, know that you're not alone! We're always here if you need to vent, talk, or need some advice.

You've got this!

Hi June,

I'm so sorry your parents are emotionally abusive. Abuse in any form is incredibly traumatic to live with and just getting through day by day makes you very strong! Unfortunately one aspect of emotional abuse is it sometimes doesn't seem as clear cut as other types (no bruises for example) but that doesn't mean it isn't as damaging.. It often involves manipulation, gaslighting, and sometimes things you just can't put your finger on but they don't feel right. There is a lot of great information out there about what constitutes emotional abuse. I found a couple links for you to get started if you'd like, here and here.  It is completely normal to have doubts about what you're going through but I promise none of it is your fault. Your parents primary job as parents is to provide you with stability, security, and love and that's what you deserve from them.

The good news is, things will get better. As someone who's left an emotionally abusive household I can tell you that there is always a way for things to get better. If you are able to begin organizing a way out - I suggest it. Even if it's not fully within your reach right now, being able to plan for and work towards independence can provide hope duriing hard days. Some steps to begin with would be finding a job or other source of income (like a student loan or grants if you are in school), and taking a realistic look at the cost of living where you are then figuring out what it would take for you to live independtly. Would you need a roommate? Can you enroll in low income housing? Etc. Reaching out to community organizations would also be helpful. Domestic violence programs and shelters serve victims of all sorts of abuse not just physical. They usually have access to great resources for helping folks get out of abusive situations and on their feet.

Making connections in your community in general would probably be helpful. Not necessarily friends but just people who you can talk to and perhaps eventually reach out to. If you are religious, you can try your local church. Otherwise, drop in programs at community centres and librairies can be great free ways to meet other people. Volunteering at local charities can also be a great way to meet others. Even if you don't find a new best friend - just having others to talk to can help you realize you aren't alone and help overcome the feelings of isolation that can come with emotional abuse.

If leaving your situation seems really out of reach right now, the community connections will give you something to do where you don't have to be home all the time in that environment as would working or volunteering somewhere. If you're able to create a life and routine for yourself outside of the house then it will help you feel stronger and more stable for dealing with the abuse when you are home.

Another thing to do is make sure you are practicing self care to the best of your abilities. Find some relaxing or destressing activities you enjoy, do some journalling (seriously - I was very skeptical about how beneficial journalling can be but it's been amazing in helping work out feelings related to the abuse I've gone through), make a happy playlist for when it all feels too much, watch a lighthearted tv show, spend some time in the fresh air! The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and focus on your wellbeing as best you can.

If you ever feel like it's all too much, emotional abuse is a completely valid reason to go to a shelter for victims of domestic violence. Especially if you find it impairing your ability to function normally and take care fo yourself. Your safety and wellbeing is so important and while getting up and leaving is scary and hard to do - continuing to live in an abusive household is also scary and hard not to mention hurtful to you.

Thank you so much for writing to us at MHA, I hope you are able to get into a better situation soon.