#mhaf-writes

“You called?” You tried – and failed – to suppress a yawn. Your arms wrapped around you, half to comfort yourself, half mirroring the doctors stance. Who was seriously starting to freak you out with her stern expression and silence.

“You’re different.” An accusation. A forceful poke, but not a question in itself. Perhaps you’d have preferred she stayed silent. “What is going on?” Ah. There it was.

She was different too. Before, she would have let you be. That’s what you had liked. All the travel, none the poking-into-matters like ‘soulmates’ and ‘what you’re really feeling inside’.

She pushed herself off of the console, agitatedly walking back and forth. You weren’t saying anything, not because you didn’t know what to say but because your mind was processing at the speed of, well, what’s slower than slow?

And hers was running at the usual lightyears a mile. “Why are you acting so…” She tried finding the right words as her arms wildly swung around. “obsessed?” “You know it’s a miracle you even eat, that once in a while. When’s the last time you slept? The last time you took care of yourself? Talked to somebody?” She probably listed a dozen more things, but your mind had stuck unto the sleep question, and as you realized she had been staring at you, quiet, for probably longer than you’d realized, you blurted out an accusing, “Well, if somebody hadn’t sent off to fetch me I probably would still be sleeping right now.”

She did not look impressed.

“And why are you acting so weird, anyway?” You pouted, “Since when do you do….” One of your hands made weird, vague motions in front of you. “This?”

“the fam is worried, and honestly so am I.” ah. So it was her companions influence.

Where were they even?

“They’re home right now, it’s just you and me. I thought you’d be more comfortable that way. You haven’t really known them all that long. I know that.” She didn’t sound like the Doctor, she sounded like a copy of, her companions perhaps. “Is that what’s wrong? You don’t like them?”

You exhaled forcibly. “That’s what you’re all worried about?”  Your hands ran through your face, first down, then up and pushing strands of hair away.

“I care about you.” It was probably the first time she’d voiced it aloud, with those exact words, in all the time you’d travelled together. It never needed to be said, you knew she did. As did she, that you did for her.

“I know. I’m sorry.” You pulled the semblances of yourself together. “It’s nothing like that, okay? The fam is fine, you’re fine.”

“You’ve been reading about soulmates.” Again, a statement. That, this time, reached you so forcefully it almost knocked you off your feet.

The “What?” that left your mouth was all fallen expression and no voice.

“Is that… Are you…” She started her sentence, and again, but both times never seemed to know where to go with it, or how to pull through. Not that it mattered because the words hadn’t left her lips for long when her eyes fell to where your hand rested on your arm, half hugging yourself, half crossed arms, in a weird display of the mixed emotions that swirled around inside you.

“What are you doing?” Rarely had you seen the doctors whole demeanor shift like that. In the blink of an eye, with a darkness in her voice and eyes that had never been directed at you before. Anger bubbling and sizzling beneath the surface, like a volcano about to erupt.

You took an involuntary step back. “What do you-?” Your eyes followed hers, and on your arm, your fingers were tapping the rhythm that had been present inside of you merciless and unrelenting, for the past many days. You had caught yourself doing it, here and there, in the library while reading, or while waiting for your toast to be done, but this must be the first time it had happened, unbeknownst to you, in front of the doctor. You stopped immediately.

“What do you mean? It’s a nervous tic.” You tried explaining.

Sometimes, the doctor was hard to read. Right now, she swung wildly between unreadable and obvious, just like her expression which clearly held disbelief in her eyes, but also loosened up in its ferocity.

“You’ve never done it before. Where’d you pick it up?” Feigned behind cold curiosity, her voice was back to accusing you, daring you to lie, only to be able to catch you.

“What the hell is going on with you?” You exclaimed exasperated, hands gripping your arms more tightly, both to stop another subconscious tapping and as a way to ground yourself.

She muttered something to herself you couldn’t understand and pulled out her screwdriver, running it over you several times. It’s whirring and lights starting to drive you crazy after the fifth pass past your eyes and ears. Whatever reading it gave her, disappointed and relieved her at the same time. Her eyes were still narrowed suspiciously, but her tone was a lot less accusing when she explained, “That’s the master’s rhythm.”

Well it wasn’t much of an explanation. She’d told you about the master before, it wasn’t that part you were stuck on, “What do you mean it’s “his” rhythm?”

She sighed and rubbed her wrists, “He once explained to me, a few faces ago, that this beat, the drums of four, where what he’d heard ever since his initiation where he looked into the untempered schism. It’s what drove him crazy.”

Your face fell. Hopefully she’d consider it a grimace of pity and not the slow, stinging realization of who your soulmate was. “That’s…Awful.” You managed to get out. A quiet settled over the two of you, before you broke it again, “but what exactly did you think was happening? That I was him? You know me doctor.”

“He brainwashed people before, it’s a real possibility.” She sighed. “That, or disguise. Very well possible with the way you’ve been acting.” She added, “So unlike you.”

Her brows furrowed. Her face contorted and you realized it as her expression, right before she figured something out. When only one puzzle piece remained to be clicked into place. You hurried to speak up, hide the piece from her. “Well, your scans confirmed that I am me, right? No brainwash?”

It was a desperate attempt, one you weren’t sure if was too late. “Yes, yes,” she muttered. “You are you, but-“ She looked up at you, and you knew it had been to late. “You have a soulmate now.”

Earlier you had been flight, when it came to danger responses. Now you had no energy left but to freeze. Less like a deer in headlights and more like a mouse in a trap. No escape. Death sentence.

You had barely had time to process your realization, caught up in this conversation with the doctor and now you were thrust into the deep end, needing not only to figure out what this meant for yourself, but also add onto it everything this meant for the Doctor.

“Stars.” the doctor breathed out as she ran her hand over her face, “Oh he probably loves and hates it at the same time. Taking my own companion away from me.”

You were unsure of what to do as she stood there, talking half to you half to herself. Probably talking a bit to an imaginary master as well. Gnawing on your lips, you just continued watching her.

She had compiled herself rather quickly, considering the situation that is. Given you a small shot of what she’d called “trovian sleep nectar” and told you that “regardless, you need to sleep.” So you took it, no questions, and slept for 14 hours straight.

The looming threat of another talk with the doctor, made you stay in your room longer than you’d liked. It was a useless worry, you’d learned, when you went out to the bridge, only to find it deserted. The tardis was parked, and not currently drifting in either space or the vortex, so you took a peek out the door. There was some distance between the ground and the tardis, and as you craned your head to look around the corner you saw some suspiciously doctor-looking legs poking out from beneath. “Doctor?” You called out questioningly, over the noises of clanking and tinkering.

The noise stopped and a head appeared, under the entrance of the tardis. “Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there. Sleep well?” She seemed back to her chipper self, which you found both unsettling and were grateful for. Maybe it meant you could forget about all of what happened before. Ignore it away. Her hands were stained, and a couple drops of sweat littered the edges of her face. You didn’t get to respond though, as a black car pulled up and you and the doctor watched several men in suits get out to stand in front of it.

You were acutely aware of the drums in your head, as you waited for them to reveal themselves and their purpose. The Doctor though didn’t seem bothered in the slightest, throwing a quip their way, as she rolled out from underneath the tardis completely.

And then, after a rather … troublesome car ride that had also reunited you with the fam, you’d somehow found yourselves in the office of the MI6. If you’d had a moment to think, you would’ve been grateful for all the distractions.

But that only lasted until you arrived in the outback, together with the doctor and Graham. The second you stepped out the tardis doors, it’s like your mind had opened up impossibly more. Flooding it with not just the drums but a million thoughts going up and down and cross. Half-thought and half-thrown away thoughts, impressions of a cave, a barely pulsating rage beneath the surface, giddying excitement cracking through the layers. Above all, one clear thought, fully directed at you the second your eyes fell upon the man that stood meters away from you, *Hello, Darling. Nice to finally meet you*.

You buffered like an internet explorer tab in the early 2000s. Stumbling over your feet as you watched him act like nothing had happened, greeting the Doctor almost simultaneously to greeting you.

Last to leave the tardis, the Doctor and Graham did not catch your reaction and instead walked briskly up to the man. You had to hurry to catch up to them, arriving just as the Doctor introduced Graham, “Hello, this is my friend Graham.”

Checking your phone for the time every other second, you eventually slowed down when you were close. A small success, you found yourself standing on sidewalk in front of the Vaughn house at 18.57. You hoped Mrs. Vaughn wasn’t a “on time is late” type of person who’d secretly expected you to be there 15 minutes early. The only thing that got your feet to step forward, step after step, towards the door, was the thought that if someone saw you looking out of their window, just standing there and staring at the house, they would think you were either weird or a criminal. Right now, with every step, all your decisions of the past weeks hit you at once. Regret kicked in and your hands felt clammy again as you gripped the flowers more tightly. Seriously, what had possessed you when you offered Anthony Vaughn to fake-date? In what world was that a normal thing to do? Especially for someone you had never spoken to before. And now you had all these feelings, most of all a nervousness that made you want to throw up right on the doorstep of his house.

A final sigh, before you pressed the doorbell, took a step back and mustered all the composure you could. It wasn’t that much composure, you realized, when your shoulders immediately slumped with relief upon seeing Ant opening the door. Your genuine smile didn’t seem to hide the nervousness because Ant hugged you just a little longer and tighter when greeting you, and even gave you an encouraging thumbs up before ushering you inside.

The table was decked with, what you presumed to be the ‘fine china’. Bordering between overflowing with too much decoration and elegance. Kept classy, christly in white and gold.

Their home, from what you’ve seen so far, kept the same theme, except with a few more colors and a lot more religious elements.

Mrs. Vaughn was bringing in a dish from the kitchen, hands in oven mitts holding it securely before setting it down on an empty space on the table. She took off the oven mitts and wiped her hands on the apron she was wearing, as she came over to you and Ant, reaching out a hand for you to shake. “Hello, dear, I’m Anthony’s mother.” She introduced herself, polite smile. You quickly shifted the flowers from one hand to another so you could take her hand and shake it, “Hi, I’m y/n. Ant’s- Anthony’s girlfriend... It’s nice to meet you!”

You held out the flowers, “These are for you.” Mrs. Vaugh, upon taking the flowers, immediately busied herself with getting them ready in a vase, leaving you and Ant awkwardly standing in the dining room. “Uh, my dad is working late, so he won’t be joining us.” Ant explained in the pocket of quiet.

“Oh, okay.” You nodded, unsure whether to feel relief over this. It was widely known that Mrs. Vaughn was… well, she was something alright. But you knew almost nothing about Ant’s father, whether he was just as intense as Mrs. Vaughn, or perhaps a calmer, understanding figure that might offset some of her strictness. If it would have been nice to have him there, or worse. Ant rarely talked about him.

“Sit down, sit down.” Mrs. Vaughn came into the room again, without oven mitts or apron on this time, and a vase full of flowers that she somehow managed to prop onto the table in a spot that hadn’t seemed empty before she put it there, but evidently was as the vase now stood securely between napkins and salt and pepper shakers.

You sat down and made an effort to unclench your jaws and drop your tensed shoulders. Checked if you were smiling politely instead of your resting bitch face. Prepared to be the best fake-girlfriend/daughter-in-law anyone could ever ask for. That was the deal after all. Or something along those lines at least.

“Let’s start with saying Grace, yes?” Mrs. Vaughn asked into the round, though it was much less a question and more a statement. “y/n, dear, do you want to do the honours?”

You did your best not to let your eyes widen, not to stutter over your words. Your hands fidgeted underneath the table. “Um, to be honest Mrs. Vaughn, we don’t really say Grace in my family. I would be scared to do something wrong.” It was both a way to redirect, assure and test her. If you were too perfect she would be suspicious immediately, you felt she had a nose for deception. But you also needed to see just how far you could go, what were the lines to cross and which lines should you not even go near. In any case, you definitely did not feel ready to have her first impression of you to be saying something incorrectly during Grace.

You were confident you could fake being religious, but only to an extent, and this, you noticed, was the embarrassing extent.

“Oh, are you not religious?” Her face and voice sounded disappointed, worried even. You almost gaslit yourself into imagining the sting that hid beneath. Judgement.

“Oh, no, I am.” You assured her, “But my family is not. So, a lot of my… connection with Him, comes from a more personal and less institutional angle.” You cringed inwardly, hoping she didn’t mind you’d called the church institutional. It could be something she could be offended by maybe? Did it sound like criticism? It sounded really cold didn’t it?

“My, is that so?” Her hand clutched her chest. She seemed… to buy it? “How did you find the Lord, if not through your family? You do visit church though, do you not? And read the bible?” Oh okay. She was intrigued. Impressed maybe? If it was not too strong of a word.

Ant, your hero, answered for you, “Mom, weren’t we going to say Grace? The food is going to get cold.” His hands were already stretched out so you and his mom could take them.

“Yes, right. There’s always time to talk after.” She said, taking his hand and reaching out for yours.

You took both of their hands. “Listen closely, and maybe you can lead your family in saying Grace in the future, y/n.” Mrs. Vaughn said, before saying Grace, thanking God for the food, and family, and “leading Ant onto the right path”. You were happy her eyes were closed because your face soured as you understood the implications behind her last comment. Ant gave your hand a squeeze, peeking at you with one eye open. You squeezed back, schooling your face to a more neutral expression.

Mrs. Vaughn went right back to questioning you and your faith, sprinkling a few questions about plans for the future and school in as well. She seemed pleased when you told her about your plans for university, and that your grades were (generally) all right. You couldn’t really appreciate her praise though, as it came backhanded with comments about Ant, and that he should pay more attention, and why couldn’t he take an example by you. At least carpenting didn’t require a degree, and if it was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for Ant, so that’s what he was going to do after school, if his grades didn’t improve. He looked miserable as she went on and on about her plans for him, belittling his interests and dreams.

“What is it you do for work, Mrs. Vaughn?” You tried steering her to a different topic, picking at the food on your plate.

“Ah well, for the longest time I was a stay-at-home wife, supporting my husband and raising Ant, but now that he’s almost all grown up, I’ve taken up working at an office again. But I’m sure you’re not all that interested in the specifics. Say, do you plan on being a stay-at-home mom? I know your generation is a bit more… free-spirited when it comes to female working opportunities, but I’d hate for any children to be raised by the daycare rather than their parent.”

You almost choked, as she asked you about KIDS and what your plans were. That seemed like a conversation that could be held in 10 years, not now. Did she assume you were going to have kids with Ant? Also the fact that she didn’t even ask if you wanted them, but just assumed you would? Did Ant want kids?

“Well,” You stuttered, “I hadn’t given it much thought. I don’t plan on-“ you coughed awkwardly, the way to save this seemed obvious, yet embarrassing to talk about, “I’m saving myself for marriage at least.”

This was one of the points you’d thought important for her to “know” about you. Just in case her problem with Ant having gotten a wristy from Darren, wasn’t in fact that Darren was nonbinary, but that it was premarital sexual activity.

It was a lie, but your cheeks were heating up regardless. “That’s, um, actually something me and Ant- Anthony agree on.” You added, quietly, trying to win him some good graces with his mom. Trying to fix the situation like you initially had wanted, before everything seemed to have gotten unnecessarily and completely overcomplicated.

“Really?” Her voice was almost theatrically doubtful.

Time to sell it.

“Yes. I can only speak for me, of course, but as I mentioned earlier, my relationship with God is very personal to me. I don’t believe He would restrict me in what I want to do, but rather guide me. So, excuse me when I say it like this but, I don’t do it because the church thinks it is the right thing, but because I myself think so. I fully believe and support other people for whom it might be different, but personally, it seems like such a vulnerable thing to do, I couldn’t imagine doing it with someone I don’t fully, wholeheartedly love. And I want to know they love me too.”

Maybe you should go into theater. Improv. The way this flew out of your mouth, with fullest conviction, as if it is something you had promised yourself years ago, instead of trying your hardest to appeal to a religious bigot while being believably ‘young’ and ‘cool’ about it.

“Huh.” She seemed surprised. “And you think that too?” She turned to Ant who just nodded vigorously. “Then what about…?” She trailed off, skeptically. It irked you she couldn’t even say it.

“Oh,” you played dumb, “Is this about that ‘map’?”

Mrs. Vaughn turned to look at you, “were you on it?”

“I don’t know, actually, but if I was, it would be a lie.” You tried your best to sound believable, because of course everyone would say that. “From what I do know, a lot of what was written was based on rumors, and I am sure you know how those can get out of hand. Or be used by particularly mean girls to hurt someone.” You pouted.

“Right.” She answered, glass of wine swirling in her hand. “So you’re saying that’s what happened?”

“Yes ma’am.”

She popped her tongue, focusing her attention on her son once more, “Is that true, Anthony?”

His eyes searched nervously for yours, and you tried your best to give him a reassuring smile that said, just go along with it and everything will be okay. I’ll handle it.

“Yes ma’am.” He copied your answer from before, though with a lot less confidence.

It seemed to satisfy her regardless, the strict persona giving room for a more warm, caring mother underneath: “Why didn’t you say so, baby?”

“I didn’t think you’d believe me…” He said, and you were unsure if he was sad about lying to his mom, or that he was convinced she’d never believe him or both.

But you couldn’t just let her homophobia stand. Even though you were here to help Ant out, and she might hate you afterwards, you had to defend Darren and her obvious dislike of them and anything queer.

“Darren is my friend,” You said with a smile, “And trust me when I say Ant isn’t their type.” Under other circumstances you’d probably enjoy the twitch of her eyebrow a lot more. “But more than that, they would never betray our friendship by doing something with the boy I like. The boy I am dating.”

You imagined that her face right now, looked a lot like yours had earlier during Grace. Soured. Though with the elegance of a woman who’d learned to hold back at least a little in front of company. You hadn’t bothered to learn that part.

“Well, that is… a relief, I guess.” She muttered, displeased despite her words.

It was good you were skilled at playing dumb, “Are you okay?” You asked innocently, hoping you weren’t overshooting. The thought that, perhaps she would forbid Ant from seeing you, because she disliked you, was scarier than you expected.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” She held onto her forehead as if she had an incoming migraine, “I just don’t understand how you can… support that. It goes against God!”

The opportunity you had long waited for. Time to debate a homophobe hiding behind religion into loving gays.

Ant looked nervous, upon seeing the fire lit in your eyes. He knew his mother better than anyone, he did not want you to get in her line of fire. He was about to speak up, defuse the situation, like he had learnt to do many years ago. But he was too late, you were already speaking.

“Is that so?” You asked her to clarify, more rhetorically than genuinely. “Because, doesn’t the bible say to love your neighbour?”

“Well, yes, but also that man should never lie with man! And don’t get me started on all that gender stuff! God made Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Eve and a third or even fourth option.”

Looks like you’d gotten her started then. Ant shrunk into his chair, and you felt sorry for him. But also this wasn’t going to get any better if no one ever challenged Mrs. Vaughn.

“Actually, that is a mistranslation. But even so, it is not up to us to judge, is it? And isn’t the beautiful thing about us as God’s creation that we are so diverse? Are you saying he made so many mistakes? There are and have been so many people, who love who they love, who feel themselves truly as they are, that cannot all be mistakes can it?” You challenged.

“See, this is why you need to go to church.” Mrs. Vaughn sighed, not even bothering to argue.

“Mrs. Vaughn, respectfully, I do not believe you can be a true Christian, if you do not love God’s creations in all its glory. I am sure any priest or pastor would agree with me on that.”

She tsked. “You are still a child. You don’t understand how dangerous, how idealistic this way of thinking is.”

“Mrs. Vaughn-“

“Enough.” The way her brows furrowed, you were pretty sure you had talked her into a migraine.

“Mrs. Vaughn.” You attempted again. “I don’t mean to disrespect you or your beliefs. I am just trying to share my view. It would not make me happy to live my life hating people who have done nothing wrong. I’m sure you disagree, I’m sure you think their whole existence is wrong, but what about the people that have said those same things about people with different skin-colors? Disabilities? Even some women, who have been burned at the stake. Do you truly believe that you are grander, your wisdom more infinite, than God’s, to make such claims as to who is wrong and who is right?”

The room was silent.

Ant couldn’t hide the grimace on his face, somewhere between worry, pride and anticipation. You too, waited with bated breath, on Mrs. Vaughns reaction.

Eventually, after what felt like decades, she took a slow sip of her wine, before an amused, exhausted huff escaped her mouth.

“For someone who claims to be respectful towards me, you sure insult me.”

Oh shit. You fucked up.

“I am not grander than the Lord, but neither are you.” She continued. “So your beliefs hold just as much weight as my own.”

Okay? Stalemate? Maybe you didn’t fuck up as bad as you thought.

“It’s good, to have a cause to stand for. And I understand it’s especially personal when… you’re friends with someone it affects. But you have to understand I just want my only son to be happy.”

“Unless he was gay.” You didn’t mean for it to slip out. She was trying to meet you somewhere, though not convinced yet, she was trying to make an effort to show you she had listened to what you said. And now you’d probably thrown it all out the window because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.

“But he isn’t! Clearly.” She gestured towards you and him. So at least she didn’t doubt the sincerity of your relationship. Didn’t mean she wasn’t going to force Ant to break up with you over today though.

“So why is this such an issue for you?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to slip out.” You said meekly. “I think it’s just because I know how much shit some of my friends have faced for their identities. Even people who claimed they loved them turning on them, for something they have no control over. For who they are, for love and selflove. I guess I don’t understand how you can say you love someone and then have that love vanish the second they are not who you want them to be.”

You almost jumped as Mrs. Vaughn put her hand on top of yours. Not expecting this gesture at all. “I do understand that it is hard to see the people you love suffer.”

She removed her hand again, “Why don’t I bring out dessert, and we change topics to something more… pleasant?” She didn’t wait for a response as she stood up and made her way to the kitchen.

Ant waited until she was out of earshot before he whispered out a “holy shit!” followed by a whistle.

You cringed, “that bad?”

“No! She loves you.” He said, grinning.

Your face fell completely, confused as hell, “What?”

“Oh yeah! I think she even respects you.” He said, as if that was an achievement, only very little people had earned. Probably was.

“Really?” You were baffled.

He nodded, proud grin still on his face.

“You’ll probably change her mind by Christmas. Get her to hang up rainbow flags all around the house or something.” He laughed at the idea. You laughed at the absurdity. Was he living in a completely different dimension? In what world did that conversation just seem like it even went ‘okay’?

He seemed to be at least partly right, as the rest of the evening went by… amicably.

You still didn’t really like her all that much though.

“Next time I’ll get out the picture albums.” Mrs. Vaughn winked at you, as Ant shooed her away.

“Get home safe.” She called out as she disappeared into the house, Ant closing the door behind her leaving only you and him on the front step, illuminated by a single dim light next to the door.

He caught you in a sudden, bone-crushing hug. “Thank you.” He whispered, holding onto you.

You hugged back, not quite as tightly, but by no means weakly. A little part of your heart broke, as you realized just how much you liked this feeling. Holding him, being held by him. His smell on you, your head resting against his shoulder. His heartbeat almost masking yours. Having him right here at the tips of your fingers, but not truly having him. Because this was all it was. You were friends, at most. Useful, more like it. Partners in crime, trying to get his mom to stop her tantrum over the map. A transactional relationship.

Except, what did you get in return?

“hey um, where were you guys on Friday?” You asked them after the two girls had gone to look at the board with clubs and activities in the quad. They were probably nursing a hangover and Saturday at least, so the groupchat had been kinda dead, until Sunday evening and by then everything had moved on. The only reply you got were thumbs up and Quinni saying how sorry she was for not seeing you at the party. “Oh, we were at the party, where were you?” Darren looked at you questioningly. “I was at the party! I tried finding you guys but you were nowhere to be found, well I saw Amerie just once when she stormed out, but other than that nothing.” You explained, pouting. Darren explained, “Quinni wasn’t feeling well after her date with Sasha so we bunked out in the bathroom for a while, but actually, Quinni went and confronted Sasha afterwards.” “ooooh, good for her!” You interjected. “Yeah and then they just started making out.” Darren raised their eyebrows, snorting. “Good for her! Damn, I wish I could’ve been there to witness that.” You exhaled, somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “Busy with Ant?” Darren wiggled their eyebrows suggestively. You just rolled your eyes, grinning.

You didn’t see much of the others, until SLUTS rolled around, Amerie was busy trying all sorts of clubs and you were eating lunch in the library, trying to not fall too far behind on classes. You were the first of your group to arrive, and struggled for a second to find a place to sit, most tables already decently filled. Ant and Spider were already there, and so was Dusty, leaving only one open seat at their table. You really, really did not want to sit at the same table as Spider, but I guess sacrifices had to be made. You grit your teeth while walking over. “Hey babe.” You mumbled out, loud enough for the others at the table to hear, and leaned down to give Ant a kiss on his cheek, before rounding the table and sitting down opposite him and Spider. “Wow! The famous y/n, gracing our table with her presence, whatever did we do to deserve that honor? I think that was the first time I ever heard you say something.” Spider theatrically exclaimed. Being a dick as usual. “Well for whatever reason my boyfriend seems to like you, so lets make me trying to be a good girlfriend not too hard, yea?” You gave him the best ‘done with his shit’ stare you could muster, before turning to Ant and smiling at him, “How was basket?” Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Spider rolling his eyes before turning to Dusty and whispering something to him. Ant seemed not to mind your little conflict, bragging about how many hoops he scored. “You should totally come watch practice sometime! You don’t have anything else to do, do you?” He asked. “Not usually no, I’d like to come and watch.” “Yeah I bet you would.” Spider smirked. You ignored him and continued. “Maybe on one of the days where Spencer is skipping school.” The grimace on his face at the mention of his real name was totally worth it.

Miss Obah started the lesson, thankfully after not too many more comments from Spider. She was going on about consent and how to like, talk about what you want. Giving an example, “Show me where you want me to touch you.” But before she could continue Ant called out. “Here!” He pointed between his legs, giving you a wink before turning to Miss Obah. Your eyes widened, your face reddened, and right now you wished the earth would swallow you. “oh jesus.” You mumbled, hiding your face in your hands. Thankfully Miss Obah quickly went on to split you up into your usual groups to work on some exercises. At least you were sitting outside. Quinni had told you on the way outside how Sasha had asked to move outside as accommodation for her, grabbing your arms and smiling ear to ear about how she was so considerate, before adding how she didn’t really feel it was necessary, but it was the thought that counts, right? You just nodded.

By the time the bell rang, none of you were doing what you were supposed to. Cash had just up and disappeared not even five minutes into it, and after Darren threw shade at Harper the mood was kinda weird anyway. You were scrolling on your phone, in no hurry to leave, since you were going to meet up at Darrens’ diner later anyway. Someone slid onto the bench next to you. “Hey.” Ant grinned at you. “Hey!” It was sort of embarrassing how much your face lit upon seeing him. You put down your phone to give him your undivided attention. “So, my mom wants to meet you.” Oh right. That was a thing. That was the thing. The reason you were even ‘dating’. An “Ah” escaped your mouth, before he continued. “She invited you to dinner on Thursday. Is that good?” You blinked, trying to think of your schedule for the week. “Uh, no it should be fine. What time?” Your stomach was bubbling with nervous energy. Ant seemed to notice and smiled at you reassuringly, throwing an arm around your shoulders. “Seven. Hey, are you free today?” Intrigued, you turned to sit facing him, crossing your legs. “What did you have in mind?”

Relief flooded his face at your positive response. “Maybe we could watch some more movies? That was pretty chill.” He tried his best at nonchalance. His brown eyes were locked onto yours. Gnawing at your lip you contemplated whether or not to cancel on your friends for this. Your hesitation seemed to make him fidget nervously, so you opted to explain your predicament. “well, I was supposed to meet Darren at their job, together with Quinn’ and Amerie, but I’d rather watch movies with you to be honest.” You were surprised at the confession that seemed to tumble out of your mout. Openly saying you’d rather spend time with him instead of your friends, felt like it put you in a scarily vulnerable position. “Oh, well, if you alr-“ Ant started saying. “No, no, you know what, I’m gonna cancel.” You were already moving to get up, throwing your things in your backpack. “Let’s go watch some movies.” You grabbed your phone and put it in the back pocket of your jeans before extending your hand to help Ant up.

The smile that broke out on his face made your heart feel weirdly light. He grabbed your hand and got up, not letting go once he stood. You were booed in the groupchat when you told them that you were ditching them for a guy. Even if it was ‘your guy’. But you knew they’d get over it, so you didn’t worry, putting your phone on your nightstand as you settled into your bed with Ant already sitting comfortably next to you, pillow on his lap and a bowl of chips between you. Fluttery feelings of nervousness and excitement rested somewhere between your stomach and your heart. Your arms were close enough to feel each others presence without touching and it almost drove you crazy, being stuck in this in-between of contact and not. Movie after movie titlecard flickered across the screen of your tv as you scrolled through all the available genres and streaming services, before you gave up with a sigh and handed the remote to Ant, “you choose… Just no horror!” He raised an eyebrow, “well now I really want to choose horror”. You squinted your eyes in mock-challenge, “you can do that if you want me to leave.” He only grinned, before he turned towards the tv, clicking a few buttons until he settled on a romcom. “Hm, actually, you do seem like the romcom type.”, you contemplated aloud, “I’m not surprised.”. “Is that a compliment, orrr?” Ant asked confused. “Yeah, I think it is haha.” You grinned.

If you had timed yourself, you would have found out that it took you 13 minutes and 19 seconds of self-restraint before you tentatively moved closer and put your head on Ants shoulder. Thirteen very excruciating minutes, and 19 even more excruciating seconds in which you tried to hype yourself up. “Is this okay?” You asked so softly you were worried Ant wouldn’t hear you over the movie and moved your head back a bit to be able to look at him, only to find he was already looking at you. His face bearing an expression you have never seen him make before, inexplicably soft and a little bit aching doubt. He didn’t move to look away, but he didn’t respond either, and you felt yourself stuck like this. You opened your mouth to say something but no words came to mind, it was like your brain had turned off and the only thing you could do was stay like this. And close your mouth. Becoming acutely aware of how close you were, the fact that you could feel his breath on your cheek, and it would only take so little to have your lips touch. He seemed to notice the same thing, judging by the way his eyes flickered down to your lips. You couldn’t help but follow suit, noticing the way his lips were ever so slightly parted, as if it was him about to say something but missing the words.

A loud noise from the movie startled the both of you out of your trance and resulted in you moving out of your positions to look at the tv. Ant cleared his throat, and you shuffled to put your back against the headboard instead of leaning on him. Your mind was racing, you hadn’t been able to focus on the movie before, but you certainly couldn’t now. A soft sigh escaped your mouth as you tilted your head back, looking up at the ceiling. You felt Ants eyes on you, barely making out the movement of his head turning from the corner of your eye. Debating whether or not to act as if you didn’t notice, you caught yourself returning his gaze before you had reached a conclusion. You both started talking at the same time, a mixture of  noise - “Sorry” “I’m sorry”. Your nose crinkled in amusement, and he seemed to visibly relax as the tension broke. Clearing his throat before he spoke, Ant fidgeted with the strings on his sweatpants, “I, uh, you can put your head back. Sorry for making it weird.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I don’t have to put my head on your shoulder, it’s fine!” You quickly exclaimed. He rolled his eyes playfully and nudged your head towards his shoulder. “’s fine, y/n.” Biting your lip, you eventually gave in with a quiet “okay.” and continued resting your head on his shoulder. It was comfortable and his smell strangely soothing, and with you not having caught most of the movie anyway you felt your mind drifting and eyes getting heavier. A yawn broke out here and there, and you caught your head falling forward several times, before Ant intervened and positioned you into a more comfortable sleeping position.

Your little trips helped you though, even if just a little. Seeing all that universe and time had to offer, how ordinary and little problems seemed in comparison. You’d drifted along the lines of satisfaction and amazement when with the Doctor. Most days at least.  No matter how much you thought you could stuff all your issues into a little box deep inside the darkest, dustiest corner of yourself and forget about them, there were days where a pang of heartbreak made itself known as your mind wandered and wondered, how it would be to have a soulmate to enjoy this with. What would they think about this planet? This view? Would they perhaps be someone you met while traveling? And then the realization that, despite the unique opportunity to go everywhere and anytime, having more opportunities than most, you were still. Alone. There truly was no one out there, in the vastness of literally everything, that could love you.

The morning you awoke with a pounding in your head, that you at first thought to be an insensitive neighbour at ass o’clock in the morning, it had been a while since you’d seen the doctor. Not unusual in itself, but your body had picked up on a sixth sense while with them. And after the realization that, one, the pounding was inside your head, two, it did not go away even after you chucked two pills of painrelief, and three, the pounding was rhythmic, your mind wandered towards the doctor. When your mind wandered to the doctor unprompted, it was almost a surefire sign you’d meet them again soon. Hopefully before you were driven completely insane by the never-ending sound inside your head.

Sure enough, about three days after, she stood on your doorstep. Or, more accurately, on the tardis doorstep inside your living room. She had companions around this time, three of them even. Growing restless with the dull pounding that had made itself home in your head you jumped at the opportunity to get away. To hopefully get so caught up in running and exploring and views, you could forget about it.

Well, it had the opposite effect. As soon as the tardis dematerialized from your living room, it got worse. A billion times worse. And it’s not like it was painful necessarily, but the frustration nearly drove you to tears. It must have taken no more than 10 minutes for you to crack and excuse yourself to the med bay, complaining of a headache. Pitying smiles from the Doctor and the woman you had learned was called Yaz. A comment from the older guy, Graham, and a get well from his grandson, Ryan.

You laid down on the firm hospital bed and asked the tardis to run a scan, to determine the source of that relentless noise. No results. You ran the scan about three or four more times, each time the same message blinking up on the screen. No results.

No results.

No results.

No results.

Nothing wrong with you. Except everything, you thought bitterly to yourself.

You got up with a sigh, swinging your legs over the bed and trudging out the door back to the bridge, where the doctor animatedly explained something to three wide-eyed companions. You guessed, you’d just have to add that noise to the list of things you stuffed into that box deep down.

“Where are we off to, Doc?” Your grin wasn’t all fake, but it did take some effort to put up. The calming buzz of the tardis slowly settling into your bones and signaling to your nervous system to brace for excitement and wonder.

“Arcateen V!” She exclaimed gleefully as she turned around to face you. “As I’ve been explaining to Yaz, Graham and Ryan, it’s the home-planet of the most creative Arcateenians. Poets and artists, who travel the stars to spread their talent with others.”

You raised your eyebrows, impressed. “Exciting.” It could be difficult to wrap your mind around the fact, that, despite the many trips you had been on with the doctor, there was always another time, another place, that existed out there, for you to encounter for the first time. Apart from earth, you rarely visited the same place twice. The Doctor seemed to want to get the most out of her time together with her companions before they inevitably left her.

Well, she had neglected to mention that the arcateenians preferred method of communication was telepathic. Uncomfortable at the thought of having your mind prodded and poked at, you held yourself to the edge of the group, letting the doctor do most of the conversing, listening to the ‘ooh’s’ and ‘aah’s’ of the others.

A wobbly, slender hand softly touches your elbow and almost makes you yelp in shock. Your head whips to look at the arcateenian who had approached you, as a gentle sensation, eerily similar to knocking on a door echoed inside your head. Hesitantly you opened your mind to her, as her hand resumed its position next to her body.

“Oh.” She immediately seems taken aback, and you felt her presence leave almost as soon as it had entered. Furrowed brows, you looked at her questioningly. She seemed unnerved but softly took your hand in hers anyway, drawing letter for letter on the palm of it. H-E--D-O-E-S--N-O-T--W-A-N-T--M-E--T-H-E-R-E. You struggled to understand at first, the letters mashing together slightly, even with her little pauses between each word. And even after you had deciphered the words itself, you did not understand what she meant.

“Who?” You asked, voice quiet, so as not to disturb the others, though they were standing further away from you now you noticed, engaging in excited conversation with another arcateenian it seemed. She seemed puzzled at your confusion. H-E. She wrote again, more firmly as if to exaggerate her word. After a short pause, her hand moved again as her finger filled out the palm of your hand with more letters.

Y-O-U-R—S-O-U-L-M-A- ,you fought against the urge to rip your hand from hers as you realized the letters she was drawing, T-E. She finished.

You shook your head vigorously. “I don’t have one.” You explained. Taken-aback by her assumption and behavior. Her fingers were stopped short of moving again as the Doctors voice called out to you, “Hey, y/n, come listen to this song!” Your head swiveled around to look towards where her voice came from but your feet seemed planted to the ground. The arcanteenian hand slowly lowered yours, as she released it from her grip with a pat to the back of it, forcing you to look back to her. She gave you a small smile before she turned to walk away.

“W-wait-“ You wanted to call out but your voice got lost somewhere between your vocal chords and your tongue, leaving you to watch her disappear.

Steps behind you alerted you to the Doctor before she could speak up, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t disturb did I?” She was close to rambling, eyes lit up like they did when she was excited beyond her normal range of excitement.

“I-“ You stumbled over your words. “No. Sorry.” Ryan and Graham were still standing by the Arcanteenian, performing their song again, but Yaz had followed a few steps behind the Doctor, unsure of whether to join her completely or not, she lingered halfway between the two groups. The thought of having to open your mind again, or stay for a minute longer on this planet filled you with something awfully close to dread, so you opted for a white lie. Or a half-lie.

“Um, I’m sorry, but I actually think I’m going to head back to the tardis. Headache’s acting up again.” You smiled politely at Yaz, before turning to leave.

“Oh, weird.” The Doctor said, stopping you in your tracks. You should have known she wouldn’t make it that easy to escape. Pulling out her sonic screwdriver she ran it over your head as she mumbled, more to herself than you, “I thought you had gotten it fixed up in the med-bay?” She looked at the results on her screwdriver, “Huh.” Her mouth pouted in a way you definitely did not like. Somewhere between confusion and dissatisfaction.

“I, uh, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” You reassured her, hastily, itching to get back before she could question anymore, before she could make a thing out of this. “Enjoy Arcanteen V, you can always bring me back another day.” You winked at her and left her standing with her sonic in her hand as you hurried back to the tardis.

You’d found yourself in the med-bay again. Running the scan, again and again. Barely paying attention as you ruminated. Arcanteenians were not malicious, generally. This one certainly didn’t seem to be playing a mean prank on you. Your fingers absentmindedly tapped a rhythm onto the steel edges of the bed.

“Again.” You ordered, as you half-registered the same blaring words on the screen you had seen again and again for the past half hour.

“Wait, tardis. Do you-“, you fumbled to find the words. “Can you scan for soulmates? Like.. Do you know if someone has one? Is there a way to scan for that?”

A beeping-sound you categorized as reassuring followed a change in screen.  Loading. Loading. Loading. And then: SOULMATE CONFIRMED

“What?” You exclaimed. And as if she did not understand your question as an expression of shock, rather than a genuine question, the words ‘soulmate’ and ‘confirmed’, blinked up again. A million questions ran through your head, but before you could even start to try and get ahold of yourself, footsteps echoed down the hallway. Instinct pushed you to turn off the screen before pushing it away, just in time. The doors opened to a worried looking doctor, whose worried expression only deepened upon seeing the bewilderment on your face.

“Just wanted to check in.” She said almost cautiously. More words lingering just beneath the surface. She took a seat across from where you were sitting on the hospital bed. “We brought you back some food, I think Yaz took it to the kitchen.” She beat around the bush in typical doctor-fashion.

“Thank you.” A beat of silence. “That’s very nice of you.”

The steel edges of the bed turned warm under your firm grip. Ready to hoist yourself up at any second. When it came to fight or freeze, you were flight.

“Whaddya think of them?” The doctor asked, curiously. She was referring to her new set of companions.

“They’re… nice.” You nodded. “sort of, homely?” It was probably Ryan and Grahams relationship that extended to the way the rest of the group interacted.

“Like a family?” She asked, seemingly on-board with the idea, leaning back in her seat.

“Sure.” You were confused with the way this conversation went.

“Hmmh,” the doctor mused, “anyway, I missed ya.” She jumped up suddenly. “Good to have you on board again.” She all but shouted as she went out the door with a wave thrown over her shoulder.

You released your grip on the bed, an annoyingly sticky feeling of the warmed steel combined with the sweat of your palms. You wiped your hands on your pants with a grimace.

Without warning, loud sounds were coming from loudspeakers all around the house, and as you looked up from where you were standing you saw the guys getting ready, Spider yelling into the microphone and crashing a can on his head. No wonder he was stupid. You looked around but still couldn’t spot Darren, Quinni or even Amerie – if she had even succeeded in sneaking in. After a second and third pass of the room you spotted Ant, standing together with the new guy though. Which was around the same time Dusty announced a special someone. And then Harper. Ouch. You really hoped Amerie hadn’t managed to sneak in. You pushed off the wall, maybe it would be easier to spot your friends from where Ant was, and then you also wouldn’t have to stand creepily in the corner pretending to be busy. Right as you were making your way over however, you noticed new guy storming off, and following the direction in which he left you saw him chasing after… Amerie? Maybe?

“Yo, what the hell was that all about?” You asked loudly over the music as you arrived next to Ant. You were conflicted on whether to follow Amerie or not, but maybe new guy was handling it. He just shrugged, kinda clumsily, and grinned. “Dude, you already tipsy?” You laughed as you asked him, giving him a light slap on his arm. “Nahhh, nahh, I would never, my beautiful y/n” he slurred, still grinning. Your cheeks heated up. “you’re not very good at lying.” You mumbled, rolling your eyes playfully, as you turned to watch the performance, worried that if you looked at him even a second longer you would spontaneously combust and leave behind only a pile of ash. He didn’t seem to notice, though, busy cheering on his friends on the stage. “Come on y/n!! Dance with me!” Oh, he wasn’t cheering anymore. Tugging at your arms he tried to pull your hands free from where you had them crossed over your chest. “What??” You were completely bewildered. “Dance!!” He repeated, excitedly as he managed to free your hands and take them in his. “I don’t dance!” You yelled back at him, stumbling as he dragged you to the middle of the room. “What do you mean you don’t dance? Everyone dances!” Now it was his turn to look at you bewildered. “Not in front of people!” His hands were still holding mine, while we just stood and argued. “Come on, everyone here is drunk or high or both, they won’t remember if you dance weird.” He tugged you along a bit further, closer to the stage where the music was loudest. “Gee, way to hype a girl up.” You grimaced. He let one of your hands go, only to spin you around. You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped your mouth as you landed with your back against his chest. “See? That wasn’t half-bad. You’re basically a pro”, Ant exclaimed into your ear, and your neck formed goosebumps at the close contact.

He twirled you away from him again, only to lift your connected hands up over his head and turn, just as you had moments earlier. He stumbled towards the end, perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to spin while drunk, but he didn’t seem to mind and only laughed as he caught himself. Your other hand reaching out to steady him. “Okay, no more spins for you pretty boy.” You laugh out. Instead he pulled you closer and rocked from side to side, pushing you away at times only to pull you closer again. “Is this even dancing?” You asked after a while and scrunched your nose. “What, you wanna twerk?” He asked before dropping your hands and turning around, trying a very bad execution of a twerk. “No, no – Okay stop! I got it!” You laughed, hitting him to get him to stop and turn around again. “Perhaps you were thinking more in the direction of waltz?” His voice has taken on a mocking sophisticated tone, as he grabbed your hands and, one set of arms extended, marched you across the room. “Dude this isn’t even a waltz!” You laughed, barely keeping it together. “I see, I see. The lady is impossible to please.” His fake sophisticated tone was accentuated by an upturned nose this time, playing the offended gentleman. Smiling playfully, you shook your head, “come on, let’s get something to drink.” You pulled Ant along to the kitchen.

“Yeah! I’m in! I only see positives honestly. I get to pretend to date the coolest girl I know and get my mom off my back.” Wait, what did he say? The coolest girl he knows? Huh? You blinked in confusion as he left you standing in front of the open door to go to his seat. Autopilot activated you went to your seat, in between Darren and Quinni. Completely zoned out your eyes trained on Ant who was sitting a couple rows ahead and to your right. “Earth to y/n, repeat Earth to y/n.” A hand was waving in front of your face and you blinked as you turned to Darren. “huh?”. “What’s wrong with you today, space girl?” They asked. “What?” Your brain hadn’t completely caught up yet. “Why were you talking to Ant?” Quinni asked excitedly. Why was she excited? “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you talk to him before.” She mused. Uh. What were you supposed to tell them? Both of them looked at you expectantly. Completely frozen, your brain refused to cooperate. “I.. uh. Amerie. Party. Slapband. You know?” The words were more stuttered out than said, and they did in fact not know what you meant.  Your saviour came in the form of a very out-of-breath Amerie, who was almost late to class, but just almost. She fell into her seat next to Quinni and immediately started babbling about whatever it was she was up to after she had left you and Ant, taking all attention off of you. And if they saw you staring at Ant the whole class, they didn’t say anything. Yet.

By the end of the school day you had bounced back, the whole Ant thing still nagging at a corner of your brain but not at the front anymore. Until you were walking out the school gate with Darren, Quinni and Amerie, that is. “Hey, y/n, Wait up!.” This caught the attention of your more than nosy friends. You stopped and turned around to see Ant jogging up with a stupidly cute grin on his face. “Um, hi, what’s up?” Your face felt unusually flushed. Your friends looked at you like they were vultures and you, and the ensuing gossip that would come from this, their prey. You didn’t need to look at them to know that. “Here.” He held out a slapband. “You don’t have one yet, do you?” “No, I don’t, actually.” You were about to tell him that you were not interested. Partys? Not your thing. But the way he looked at you, and the fact that he got you one and went out of his way to give it to you, rendered you incapable of rejecting it. He was waiting for you to take it, or do something to accept it, so you lifted your arm and held it out in front of him. He slapped it on your arm and you mumbled out a thank you. “No worries, babe.” He leaned in and gave you quick peck on the cheek before he proceeded to wink at you and then leave with a wave and a “See you later!”. You almost dropped to your knees. What the hell just happened. Wide-eyed you looked after him, hand lifting to touch the cheek he had just kissed, legs still awfully wobbly. “BABE?!?!?!” A chorus of awestruck half-yells ripped you out of your moment, seconds before your friends came into view in front of you and crowded you. This was… too much. You gave up trying to keep your legs steady and dropped down to the ground, sitting on your knees, before shifting to sit criss-cross applesauce. “Whoa, shit girl, you okay?” Amerie dropped down next to you. Not trusting your voice you simply nodded yes. “Oh my god, you and Anthony Vaughn?” Darren crouched down next, almost scandalized by what they had just witnessed. “Oh, are we sitting now?” Quinni, bless her, sat down next to you. “Yeah…” You just said, to no one in particular, nodding. “Oh my god, you’re like, a total goner.” Amerie laughed. “I am?” You turned to look at her with puppy-dog eyes. Before this day started, you had never talked to Anthony Vaughn before, and now, before it ended, you were apparently head over heels for him. You blamed it on hormones, or some kind of chemical inbalance in your brain. Because… there was no way, right?

When he finally did, after class ended, you couldn’t suppress your pout. Logically, you understood it was so both of you could pack your things, but this whole thing didn’t feel very logical, no matter how hard you tried. So instead, once both of you had finished, you grabbed his hand and threaded your fingers with his. Still slightly pouting. He looked down at you and laughed, “What now?” “I think she’s upset you took your arm off of her.” Darren, eagle-eyed gossip lover they are, supplied. “Oh, really?” Ant seemed surprised and looked at you for confirmation. “Yeah, kinda.” You mumbled embarrassed, avoiding his gaze. He chuckled before leaning in close and whispering in your ear. “I’ll touch you all you want at the party later.” Your face was beet red. “Ant!” You whisper shouted, scandalized and wide-eyed. He just tugged you along with him, towards the school exit. “They’re so cute together.” You overheard Quinni say to Amerie and Darren behind you. “Something’s fishy.” Both of them replied in unison. You ignored it, keeping going with Ant. “What now?” You asked once outside the school gate, still holding his hand. Refusing to be the one to let go, actually. “Well, I have some time before the party starts, which, you totally are going to right?” He asked in such a way that you felt a no would break his heart, so you just nodded. How come you are immune to peer-pressure when it was your friends but not when it was the guy you’ve been fake-dating for less than a week. “Great! Well, wanna hang out until then?” You smiled. “Sure!! Oh, we can talk about the logistics of it all, like when did we even start dating and what church do I go to? Or is that even something that’s important to your mother?” You dragged him along, totally rambling at this point about all the different things you had to decide on for the story to be foolproof. When you turned to look at him, waiting for him to say something, you noticed the way he was smiling at you. “Oh, what? Am I overthinking?” You questioned out loud. “No, no, it’s fine. I just don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk that much.” He still looked at you in a way you had trouble deciphering. “Oh. Well, I guess I don’t talk a lot. Usually. But also we haven’t really spoken before this week so…” You trailed off. “Hmmh, yeah, but we’ve been in the same year for a while now.” He said, before turning back to look at the way ahead. “You usually only talk when spoken to.” Oh. He had noticed that? He had noticed you? Before you ever talked to him? “Oh, um. I guess that’s right.” You squeezed his hand subconsciously. “I like hearing you talk.” He squeezed your hand back. “Plus, you’re so smart, I wouldn’t have thought about half of the things you mentioned. Maybe we should write it all down.” You nodded. “Yeah, good idea.”

“Woah, your room is awesome.”  Ant was currently walking through your room looking at all the little trinkets that were… everywhere frankly. Picking them up and putting them down again. “Haha, thanks.” You sat on the edge of your bed, not knowing what to do with yourself as you watched him. “Woah, you like Marvel?” He seemed genuinely surprised. “Uh yeah, I love it.” You laughed. He put the action figure down and turned around, very serious all of a sudden. “This calls for a movie night.” He explained. You grinned. “Sure, I’m always up for a movie.. But let’s talk business first.” You scooched to the side and patted the spot next to you. He groaned dramatically and walked over before sitting down. “Why does this feel like homework all of a sudden.” Your face scrunched up at that. “Sorry. But this is just so our story doesn’t fall apart.” He turned to look at you, head hanging to the side. “You really think it’s necessary?” “Well. Yeah.” You reply. “What if your mom asks us how we met, our what our first date was, and we say different things. Better to be prepared.” He pouts playfully, “Well, fine I guess.” In the end you agree on simple things, you met at school, duh, and worked a project together, after which you became friends, before Ant asked you on a date to the diner, and then a second date to the movies, before asking you to be his girlfriend. Easy enough. He said it was okay not to go to church as long as you were still acting Christian enough in front of his mom. Whatever that means. The reason he was only introducing you now was because you could disprove what was written on the map. You were scared of meeting his parents, so it had taken you a while to gather the courage, and he wanted to be sure before bringing a girlfriend home. Easy. Plausible. Good story. Boring, but believable. In the end you wrote it all down, twice, one copy for you and one for him, just in case you needed it. “Can we finally watch a movie?” He whined as you gave him his paper. “I don’t know, the party is soon, and I don’t know about you, but I definitely have to get ready. You think we can manage to squeeze a movie in?” He nodded, completely convinced. “How long can it take to get ready.” Not believing this was an issue. “Oh buddy…If only you knew.” You patted his shoulder before getting your remote and turning on the tv. It was difficult, at first, to concentrate on the movie, when he was so close and warm, shoulder against shoulder, and legs touching. Your body felt on fire. After a while he wrapped his arm around you too, pulling you ever so slightly closer, if that was even possible.

He sighed, his voice carrying a heaviness this time around. You pushed away the fluttery feeling in your stomach that you always got when he called you by one of his many, many pet names, and walked even closer towards him. "You want to see yourself." The shift in your face and your voice was immediate, a rarely seen softness taking place. "I do." He said arrogantly, desperate to put the crumbling walls back up in place. "Not vain at all huh." Soft smile on your lips as you joked. He sounded so sure of himself when he said, "Oh Darling, you know I'm gorgeous." . Rolling your eyes playfully, a soft chuckle escaping your lips, before turning somewhat serious. "Yeah. But do you?" He just looked down at you, face hardened. You opened your mouth, but ended up closing it again. The second time around you were braver, and lifting your hand you asked softly. "May I?" Hand hovering next to his face now. Furrowing his brows he nodded and you placed your hand on his cheek, your other hand swiftly joining on the other side. He tensed for a second, before forcing himself to relax. Your eyes dropped down to where your hands were now, thumbs softly following the lines etched into his skin, perhaps from years of forced smiles. "You have lines here," you whispered, smiling to yourself. "I like them a lot." Truthfully, you could've spent hours just tracing them, but you forced yourself to go on, moving one of your thumbs to glide down his nose. "A strong, straight nose." You skipped his mouth, leaving it for later, and instead went straight to his ears, cupping the sides of his head with your hands. Tilting your head and playing with the curls framing his ears. "Elven ears, surrounded by grey and white curls." You made sure to trace his ears in their entirety, so he could feel their exact shape through your touch. "Your hair always falls just right, it's kind of annoying." You joked, exhaling through your nose amused. Your fingers were weaving through his hair now, slowly untangling small knots you found along the way. Your eyes were still following your hands. Reaching the top of his head, you tugged his hair back a bit before letting your hands travel down to his forehead, and then the small space between his brows. "You always furrow your brows." Your thumb rubbed over the crease, making him ease up. You didn't notice, but Astarion did, how your eyebrows furrowed the same way his did when your thumb moved across the skin between his eyebrows. A satisfied smile spread across your face as he unfurrowed his brows, and your fingers glid over his eyebrows next. "They're the same color as your hair, and I'd say maybe almost as thick too." Your hands came to rest on the side of his head again, slightly higher than before when you'd traced his ears. And for the first time in a while you looked him in the eyes again. "Your eyes are red. And they never reveal what it is you truly think." He snorted and rolled his eyes. "Just tell me I'm the most darling man you've ever seen and move on." But his voice faltered and it lacked the bite it normally did when he flirted with someone. Your hands slid down to cup his jaw, but your eyes were still trained on his. "You are. No one else compares. You're incomparable, Astarion. But I'm not done yet." Your eyes fell down to his lips, thumb brushing against them, and into where his fangs were. "They're so soft, I love when your lips are on my neck." It was almost as if you were mumbling it to yourself, but he heard you well enough. His hands flew up to grab your arms, holding them in place. You looked up at him. “What?“ You breathed out. “You‘re ruining all my plans, sweetheart.” He growled in a low voice, dropping his forehead against yours and closing his eyes. Your thumb was still on his lip, his fingers still digging into your skin where he was holding your arms.