Hi. My name is Axel Rosse, and I just recently turned 20. People always see me laughing but they immediately turn a blind eye when I start to panic. Why do I panic? You might ask. I have been clinically diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder on June 8, 2017, after I had my worst breakdown.
It took me more than five years just to seek professional help. Seldom did I open myself about what I feel to other people, especially to my family. I was too afraid of the idea that they would see my feelings are trivial, and that they didn’t matter. I am afraid to hear my friends say that it’s all in my mind and a bottle of beer would help me get through this. Don’t get me wrong, I did muster enough courage and tried to make them aware of my growing anxiety, however, my hunch didn’t fail me. I was told by my parents that it’s all in my head and I should stop worrying about it. Most of my friends laughed, saying sakit pang mayaman lang yan. No! It’s not all in my head, and a bottle of beer won’t help me get through this. It’s not trivial. It’s happening and it’s real. Do they really need to wait for seven breakdowns before they actually consider that I am not doing fine? Yes, it took seven breakdowns at work before they decided to have me checked. It was only when my supervisor asked my family to take things seriously because it’s already affecting my performance as an agent.
Everyday I feel pins and needles, not only on my hands, but also half of my body. Everyday I count my pulse and I watch my breathing because I am too scared of the idea that in a minute it will stop and I haven’t done anything good in my life. I cry over trivial things. I panic when things don’t go right. I don’t feel safe unless I am inside my room. My breath shortens to the idea that the bus I am riding home will crash. My thoughts consume me during nights where I am most tired. I am impulsive. I know that I am bigger than my anxiety but it eats me alive.
A month had passed and I am still on Iterax. My therapist made me watch stuff like TedEd and Bo's inspirational talks. I have friends who made me feel that I am loved and I also had people making me feel that my feelings are valid. Blogging helped me cope up. Drawing kept my mind off things, and my family started taking care of me. I never hated them for being unaware. I had shortcomings too as their son, but the good thing here is I am no longer alone in this mind war. I know I’m not going to be okay anytime soon since being okay is a long term process, as per my therapist. However I look forward to the day where I can tell to the world that I am no longer anxious.
Mental illnesses aren’t made up stories. ADHD isn’t just a need for attention and Bipolar Disorder isn’t just typical mood swings. Schizophrenia is more than seeing things and Major Depressive Disorder isn’t being sad. People are afraid to seek help because of other people not wanting to understand. Mental health is as important as physical health. Let's not wait at the expense of our physical health before we take importance of our mental health? 7 Filipino people commit suicide everyday. It could have been prevented if only we are all ears. These things are happening. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Be someone who understands, lend an ear or a shoulder. Be a friend. Let’s help each other and stop this stigma.
Again, I am Axel Rosse and I am for mental health.
