grins at her brightly as arms spread to motion towards the dinner he had made for the both of them. "they others had ta' help me a lil'," he admits sheepishly. "hopin' you'll like it."
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AUTUMN TRANSITIONS TO WINTER ?
it becomes a memory : FLASHBACK TO THE BEGINNING , WHERE ONCE UPON A TIME , YOU WERE MEANT TO DIE . death reigns in winter , in beauty & in deceit ; all white with snow & black with rot , a frost - bitten touch that once reached into your bird - boned chest to steal your soul , but you snapped & howled & ran — NOT TODAY / NOT TODAY ! you , a half - dying / half - dead thing found it easier to be all abomination than surrender to a higher power // refused to give it dominion against a dead thing because you never knew how to submit . monster - made , feral feared ; tell me , do you remember being human ?
only in the blur of your nightmares . you dream of golden boys & silver girls , of the sun & a less broken moon , of jaws without bloody fangs // you dream of unconditional love , the unknown fantasy , & how your heart aches for something you crushed into dust // you dream of houses built where man should not exist , & how it all ends in fire & screams & desperation . the ground opens up beneath you & you fall & fall & fall & the end never comes — THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW
it’s easier without a heart , without the weight / without the sentiment . there’s less woe , less regret , less morals — the trigger becomes unstuck & the knife lighter to hold ; it’s less difficult to compose an orchestra of naught but their screams without the remorse . see , life is a fascinating thing to something not quite alive & death is a fascinating thing to something not quite dead ; this is how to exist as something stuck somewhere between — YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE ANYTHING ELSE
he teaches you how to be something different . he doesn’t know it , you never realised it , but the change came when summer faded & the first leaf fell , when you met for the first time : you , a hazard under a new name , murderous agenda hidden behind sweet smile ; DEATH IS NOT AN OVERTLY DARK THING ( NATURAL , INEVITABLE ) BUT STILL YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE — the wind knows / the earth rebels , you brought winter with you too soon // & him , a man too gentle / too kind for his own good . by the end of the first meeting ( formalities , a huntress on holiday becoming familiar with the village ) , you think him naive // by the end of the first week , you reckon the world will one day tear him to pieces // by the end of the month , you’d tear apart anyone who’d try // by the end of the season , you see the sun in his smile ; it reaches out & touches warmth back into your heart , & this time , you do not snap or h o w l or run / this time , you let yourself remember how it feels to be alive , instead of a cold , hollow , wretched thing
it’s not an easy process , you understand . your body rejects being real . there’s too many years of decay to undo : ash that got stuck in your bloodstream when you burnt down bridges like a goddamn pyromanic / hellfire in your throat from when you swallowed the devil / demons in your lungs from when they stopped fitting into your stomach . there’s an ache in your chest because your heart has been dormant too long , the beating hurts more than its worth & you consider tearing the bothersome thing out more times than you care to count . you don’t . you stay . YOU SURVIVE . it’s better because he’s there , but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt
you are still healing ( still stuck somewhere between , but this is different . it’s not so dark anymore , it’s not so dreary ) when the wind is more forthcoming & the earth stops trying to swallow you whole ( they whisper maybes in your ear : you could belong here , you could stay ) , when one day / one evening , as the moon climbs a star speckled sky , he surprises you with a dinner for two — he always surprises you . you don’t think he ever realises how easy it is for him . you think maybe it’s because he works from the heart , always from the heart , in ways that sets off something warm in your chest . it’s supposed to be warm , you’re sure , but you’ve been cold too long , so that’s why it feels like FIRE instead ; always burning , all consuming — you don’t know what to call it , so you don’t
he presents you a meal , heartfelt & whole , & for the first time in years , you do not think of death & danger & an underlying threat . you do not think of poison slipped into your drink or a potential ambush in waiting . instead , you smile . genuine ( you’ve been doing more of that lately ) . soft at the edges ❛ a bit of an understatement ❜ gentle tease turns to something softer now , a half - whisper . you look at him & still struggle to understand how he is not too good to be true — sometimes you’re scared of waking up / of finding out this was never real / of cursing a god you do not believe in , only for him to tell you , YOU DESERVE IT — the worst thing is , you would agree
you swallow down the fear — it’s a side effect of caring , of living with a heart — & the anxiety , & you try not to think about how you’re even more scared of fucking this up / of him one day looking at you like everyone else does — with hatred , with scorn . you b r e a t h e & count ( 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 ) & settle into a softer smile — right now , he’s here / right now is all that matters
❛ —— thank you ❜
q . what happens when autumn transitions to winter ? when the first snow falls & the branches are bare ? a . you learn how to love
