#meridach

and NO i don't mean a scrapped alternative scenario where she actually picks a suitor from her movie (which would in turn defeat the whole purpose of her character). NO i don't mean her being aesthetically attracted to the body and build of a young boy her age and then realizing she didn't like him whatsoever shortly after (and ever since then NEVER entertaining the idea of “finding the right man” for herself because she knew they'd all bore her, anger her, and fail to give her what she wanted and needed) in Bravely. NO i don't mean Feradach from Bravely because Feradach is a genderless entity only inhabiting the bodies of multiple genders, including hermaphroditic forms, aka he's a nonbinary shapeshifter. NO i don't mean that literal millisecond of Merida smiling at Macintosh in Once Upon A Time, when with context she was thankful he finally stopped treating her with gross misogyny for once.

I mean an ACTUAL, GENUINE MOMENT WHERE SHE SHOWED ATTRACTION TOWARDS A MALE. That's right, you can't. Because she's never had one and she was created for that specific reason: to NOT have her identity nor her sexuality centered around men nor romance in relation to men. Yet she's canonically nblw with absolutely no attraction towards men sexually nor romantically whilst pertaining romantic and physical attraction towards women, which is the literal definition of a lesbian. 🤨🤨

FERADACH IS NONBINARY

There was already canon confirmation of Feradach being nonbinary or at the very least outside of and rejecting of the gender binary based off the fact that he was revealed to be a shape shifter. Shape shifters historically change between multiple genders and forms which have no genders whatsoever; no matter what physical form they may primarily have, the very nature of a shapeshifter defies gender binary. In short, genders, specifically cisgenders, have no relevance when it comes to shape shifters. In literature, shapeshifters don't have a definitive gender, they only ever have prefered pronouns, prefered gendered terms even, and that's about it. As we all know, pronouns ≠ gender. Gendered terms ≠ gender.

Hence, Feradach’s he/his/him/himself pronouns and occasional “handsome” masculine terms are solely in reference to how he looks, never his gender. In fact, Feradach’s gender is never specified once throughout the entire book. What is specified, however, is the fact that Feradach is simply borrowing the body of a man, a woman, an old man, a little boy, as opposed to specifying a gender. Instead, constantly reiterating that he is a bodiless, faceless entity made up of nothing but seemingly emotions and just barely air, only wearing human faces, but never connecting with or identifying with a specific gender, moreso just learning to love a specific appearance he wears based off of how Merida perceives him beyond said appearance. And I love that.

And I saw myself so much in Feradach learning to love the body he is in, not based on its gender, but based on the fact that it is a body in which he is seen as Feradach the person in; he never wanted to be seen based solely on the gender of the body he wore, he wanted to be seen for who he was INSIDE of the body he wore. And he was finally seen and validated. For who he was inside of the body and out of it, not solely based on appearance and appearance alone. Which made him love himself and the body he wore. He didn't care for the gender of said body, ever, because Feradach, as a just-barely-air entity made up of solely emotions and feelings, never had one to begin with.

In other words, Feradach is my nonbinary king, whether it was intended or not, and I love him dearly.

Bonus, here are a few of my favorite lines explaining that he is in fact a nonbinary, genderless entity merely inhabiting a human body:

“Such thorough details for an illusion. But illusion it was nonetheless, as obviously Aileen had been thoroughly convinced by whatever she saw too.”

“Feradach flinched. Or rather, the body he borrowed flinched.”

“He only looks like this, he only has a body, just for us. So we have something to see. And when there's no mortal to look at him, he's just... a feeling again.”

“But that knowledge didn't feel as immediate as the dying god in his borrowed body.”

“Feradach carefully tugged off one glove. Then the other. They were just ordinary, human-looking hands beneath, as always, but of course they weren't ordinary human hands at all. They weren't even really his. Just borrowed, for a bit.”

Finally, the origins of Feradach, once a genderless entity made of barely air and pure joyous emotions, whom was trapped by the Cailleach and forcefully given a host body to carry out the balance of the world he loves by making him destroy it against his wishes, which prompts Merida to find a way to free him from said curse of being a god wearing the faces of those he's unwillingly brought ruin to:

“There were two hunters pursuing the quarry that raced between the trees. Strange quarry it was, quarry without a body, just feelings, barely more than air, just gleeful odd beings that existed in all times over and over. These breathy entities could see everything, could watch everything, but that was about all they did. They did not harm the world, and the world did not harm them. They loved the world. You can still feel them in the right places.”

“One of the strange, carefree air beings got caught in it as it fled, and before it could make sense of the trap, the Cailleach scooped it out.”

“ ‘You will no longer be air,’ she said. ‘You will be a god.’ ”

“This was the first of the Feradachs.”

“ ‘No,’ he said bitterly, understanding at once what his duty was to be. ‘There must be a way out.’ ”

Based on her characterization in her movie, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with how the author managed to capture Merida’s personality so well whilst adding a mature evolution to it, which makes sense considering she was now a young woman, no longer a teenage girl.

I thoroughly enjoyed Merida’s handling of her own emotions and how they shaped the way she acted. I love how she still had the same beliefs she had in her movie surrounding marriage and men in general and how she handled those beliefs more maturely. I love how the author incorporated her utilizing her archery and isolating herself amongst nature as coping mechanisms whenever she needed to think and her mind was too loud. I love that she was still the same Merida, the one who plays with her food and runs out in the snow barefoot. I enjoyed the aspect of Merida never being able to stay still; if she wasn't traveling or on minature adventures, she was moving around the castle and if she wasn't doing that, she was out in the vast woods utilizing her archery.

I love how that part of her character played into how she learned that it was okay to sit back and just listen to the birds rather than constantly being out amongst the wilderness always always after another adventure without ever giving herself a second to really breathe in between. I love that she learned how to install a balance within herself; she was still true to herself, she just wasn't as much of a wild child anymore. Which is completely understandable, given her growing older into adulthood. She felt as if something was in the way of her being able to change, even as everyone around her did. She still remained the same, and she was looking for a purpose as it seemed as though everyone else had found theirs towards the end.

Merida’s Internal Dilemma

As the princess of the kingdom of Dunbroch, she'd always have something to do or someone to be, but as Merida of the clan Dunbroch, who was she? This was Merida’s internal struggle and it was so endearing to see that what she needed was to allow herself to feel. Throughout the book, there are moments where she would almost cry or would only cry a little, but refused to go through with it, let alone allow anyone but her mother to see her cry. She wasn't allowing herself to feel much of anything, although given the journies she needed to embark on as a means to encourage internal change from each of her family members whilst also dealing with the warlord from an opposing clan whom was determined to foster her brothers by force, it was very understandable as to why she wasn't allowing herself to cry.

She didn't have time to sit with her emotions, only having a year to bring about change within her family or else they'd be lost to death and ruin. She didn't have time to stand still and breathe. But, after saving her family and her kingdom from ruin, she still hadn't brought about change within herself. That was when she asked Feradach to help her, and he did: He gave her the ruin she needed in order to bring about renewal within herself. He gave her the ability to feel the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the anger, the exhaustion, the inner turmoil she's never allowed herself the chance to let herself feel in what must have felt like eons for her. And, he told her, “You will heal.” And, eventually, she did.

Merida Falling In Love

I adored watching Merida begin to care for the genderless entity made of essentially air whilst beginning to fall in love with him without herself ever realizing this, which is true to her character: she doesn't realize when she's in love because she's just so comfortable being in the company of this creature of many faces.

I can pinpoint exactly when her feelings towards Feradach began to shift, when she recieved a gift of attempting to instill change within Hamish from Feradach as a means to save her and her family from the ruin he couldn't bare to bring upon them. When Feradach, who'd refused to bring about ruin and death for a short time and was as a result facing the consequences of his curse by beginning to slowly die, was at risk of fading away and being replaced by a newly reincarnated Feradach and Leezie explained the rebirthing of a new god of death and ruin, Merida emphasized her attachment to the present Feradach whom was lying on the ground before them as they spoke, herself excaiming, “But, what about THIS one?? What happens to him?”

When he visits the Dunbroch castle after she saved him from nearly dying and Merida is so talkative and comfortable around him, the fact that she was waiting for him to come see her again because she missed him. When she ran out after him barefoot in the snow, paralleling their first meeting, expressing upset at Feradach leaving after the time they'd spent with the rest of her family, but Feradach explaining the anguish in having to watch them any longer knowing that no matter how hard he tried to cheat his way out of the bargain made between him, Merida, and the Cailleach, he'd have no choice but to bring ruin to Merida, her family, and their kingdom if every member hadn't changed internally.

One last time, he asks her what he looks like to her, his question sounding much more like a goodbye rather than his growing internal worry of her still viewing him as nothing but a monster. But, Merida tells him, finally. To me, this felt quite reminiscent of a love confession: “You look kind, Ferdach. I didn't want to tell you, because it made me angry. Why should you look like that when you do what you do, I thought? Yes, it's not all you look like, of course. You have a bushy light mane like a highland pony, but your eyebrows are dark. Your eyes are blue. You've got a pock scar just there, and when you frown, your lower lip goes like this.” She demonstrated the pout. “You look like someone girls would fancy. But, that's just the body, isn't it? The face you're wearing. The kindness is you, though, no matter if you're in that body or out of it. That's Feradach. And now I understand, and I don't mind telling you.”

She's content with the feeling of comfort, warmth, and belonging Feradach provided her in the few days he stayed with the Dunbroch family, but it never really hit her that she was in love with him until it did. It hit her the moment she was able to let her walls down. The moment she realized she was feeling authentically, not simply allowing herself to feel for only a moment before bottling everything up again. She sat within this feeling, let herself feel it, and didn't bottle it up. “ “I trust you.” I love you. ”

For Merida, even from the start of Brave, it was never about not wanting to be in love. It was about the fact that her boundaries were being overstepped and that she was being forced to love rather than being given the freedom to find love in her own time. And, she did. And it wasn't a charming prince, but rather an immortal, genderless being who brought destruction and decay to everything he touched in the name of bringing about eventual renewal and recreation. And she didn't need him to complete herself; although their separation was painful, her heart eventually healed. She healed so much so that she was now determined to find a way to free Feradach from the curse the Cailleach brought upon him, the curse of being a god bringing about ruin and decay even if it were in the name of eventual renewal and revival.

Merida was now determined to restore Feradach back to his original, barely air-like state, his true form where he's most happiest, most free; Merida has healed from the heartbreak of Feradach’s departure and is now determined to heal him from the ruin he's been subjected to for generations, out of love, in the way his ruin eventually healed her.

And I love that it remains true to what the original message of her character was in Brave. It was such a beautiful journey, watching her grow in Brave and watching her evolve in Bravely in terms of choosing her own life for herself. What better match for Merida, a girl whom can never seem to stay in one place, whom loves the wilderness and traveling and shooting her arrows through the forest, whose heart is as wild as the wind and can never seem to stay calm, whom has grown up feeling pressured by her society to be either this way or that way thus never allowing her to learn whom she truly is, pressured to put on a facade and to never be truly understood, never allowed to truly live nor allow herself to feel, to be her true authentic self.... than a kind-hearted, entity made of just barely air whom loves the world and humanity just as much, whom doesn't need a face, a body, nor a gender, whom lives off of pure feelings, just a gleeful odd being whom has existed in all times over and over; neither here nor there, simply present everywhere at all times. Whom wants nothing more than to understand humans and to understand how to live, whom has nothing to offer but authentic vulnerability and peaceful stillness. I could talk about Merida and Feradach for hours.

To Merida, I don't think he'd look like like much of anything. I think he'd be in his happiest, truest form: just barely air. And more than anything, he'd be a feeling. A feeling of familiarity, of comfort, of calmness, of joy. Because he told Merida she'd never see him again, and Feradach always stays true to his word, I don't believe he'd return to her in a physical form.

To everyone else he passes, though, he'd still look like someone different from each person's perspective. That wouldn't change.

But, what would Feradach look like to himself? I believe that after bringing ruin unto Merida in the form of heartbreak, Feradach took on the physical form of Merida, considering he only takes on the physical forms of those he brings ruin to. If he touches his face enough or if someone describes to him what he looks like, he's able to remember the memories of the ruin brought unto whatever physical form he's inhabiting. I feel as if he touches his face often as a means to remember Merida. And that he's afraid to look at his reflection because he knew that staring back at him would be the face of the woman he loved.

However, the Cailleach picks and chooses when to pull tricks on Feradach. Especially when he goes against his duty as the harbringer of ruin and stagnation in order for her to bring about change and life. IF Feradach were to go against his own rule of staying out of Merida’s sight as a means to maintain the balance of nature and humanity and as a means to bring eventual renewal to her, and therefore going against the Cailleach’s rules seeing as how she's the one who bestowed his duty upon him in the first place, and IF he were to try and see her face to face, I feel like Feradach would grow to like wearing Merida’s physical form, because before going to see her it was all he had left of her.

So, I feel like, IF Feradach were to knock on Merida’s door and Merida were to open it, I feel as if she'd be staring right back at herself. Almost like looking into a mirror. Because, Merida doesn't care what physical form he takes, his kindness and his internal air-like soul will always be Feradach. But, I don't feel like that's the reason why Merida would see Feradach as herself. I feel like the Cailleach would play another cruel trick on Feradach seeing as how he went against her rules of balancing the earth. So, only to Merida, Feradach would look like her.

Stop this, I'm gonna cry because she most definitely is canonically closeted, that much is evident by her playlist made by Disney themselves full of songs from Merida’s heart because, in her creator's words, she doesn't sing but her heart sings (i.e. Touch The Sky and Into The Open Air, which are both included in said playlist, so it's safe to assume the rest of the songs in her playlist are songs from her heart as well), including love songs exclusively towards women and female-aligned people. That, PLUS almost all of Merida’s most gayest moments in Bravely are internal thoughts from her perspective. Given the strict heteronormativity of her society, it's no doubt she'd be closeted. I can just imagine a fix-it au where everyone else sees Feradach as masc-presenting or male-aligned faces and bodies, but to Merida he's the most ethereal woman one has ever laid eyes on, and this sight is for Merida’s eyes only. For her heart only. I am full-on sobbing WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME-