#merecknoir

     It had felt as though morning had come way too soon as Jonathan made his way out of his cabin, his bag hiked up upon his shoulder. Sunlight filtered down from above, causing him to squint, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Attempting to look at the screen, Jonathan took a deep breath, knowing this could be his last chance to speak with the poet before they were separated. Part of him wished he knew which of the hiking trips he was on, desperate to at least know that he was near him, but he knew asking would be foolish. If they knew they were on the same trip, they’d be looking for one another --- more likely to find the person they dreamed of being with.

[7;31AM]: Just kill me now.

[7;32AM]: Why can't they let us sleep in if we want to? Why?

[7;32AM]: I feel as though my eyelids no longer work right and my head is stuffed with cotton.

[7;32AM]: How are you faring?

[6;26PM]: I had 4 shots and managed to duck out on Dax.

[6;26PM]: Well. I don’t know. Just. Life. I

[6;26PM]: I feel like I had an idea of what earlier and now I feel stupid

[6;27PM]: and I don’t know. I guess just trying to figure some stuff out and maybe you can help me.

[6;27PM]: help me understand.

[6;27PM]: I don’t know does that make sense?

[JONATHAN]

[6;28PM]: Four shots in the space of a half hour? Yes, that’s going to hit you.

[6;28PM]: Don’t feel stupid, it’s hard, there’s a lot to consider.

[6;29PM]: I’ll do my absolute best to answer anything I can.

[6;29PM]: But don’t think you have to answer everything in one go.

[MERECK]

[6;30PM]: Yeah. I snuck a little back too. Oi.

[6;30PM]: you’re the best ❤️💕

[6;30PM]: heart emojis for days 💜🙄💕😍

[6;31PM]: I am buzzing.

[JONATHAN]

[6;32PM]: I don’t know if I should be mildly jealous or worried about how this will end up.

[6;32PM]: I’m not. I just want to help.

[6;32PM]: So I’ll answer anything you want.

[6;33PM]: If you weren’t I would be more concerned. 💕

[MERECK]

[6;34PM]: jealous of whaaaatttttt?

[6;34PM]: You in your room yet?

[6;35PM]: I am throwing myself in my bed and ignoring everyone until forever.

[JONATHAN]

[6;36PM]: Jealous of your alcohol.

[6;36PM]: Just got back and am laying down. It’s so humid, I feel sticky.

[6;38PM]: Well, not everyone, I hope. I am someone.

[MERECK]

[6;38PM]: You wanna be swallowed too?

[6;38PM]: I know what you mean. It’s grosssss.

[6;39PM]: You are the only one who I won’t ignore.

[JONATHAN]

[6;40PM]: Not where I was going with that, but now that you mention it…

[6;40PM]: It is a little. This is when the lake and pool are nice.

[6;41PM]: What did I ever do to deserve your attention? 😊

[MERECK]

[6;42PM]: So like you prefer getting a blow job to fucking or….?

[6;42PM]: Anddd cue drunk poet.

[6;42PM]: Ohhh we could skinny dip.

[6;43PM]: You were nice and thoughtful and understanding and you’re the greatesttt

[6;43PM]: Soooooo. 💕

[JONATHAN]

[6;44PM]: I uhh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I have the experience to answer that question.

[6;44PM]: Skinny duo independently. Not as fun.

[6;45PM]: I don’t know about all that.

[6;45PM]: Soooo…?

[MERECK]

[6;46PM]: Right right duh. But like you don’t have a mental preference? 😉

[6;46PM]: That is why we go together.

[6;47PM]: Sooooooo.

[6;47PM]: 💕❤️

[6;47PM]: What happens if we figure out who the other is before we meet?

[JONATHAN]

[6;48PM]: A mental preference. No, I don’t know, not that I’ve noticed. Why, do you?

[6;48PM]: Yes, but unless we met it wouldn’t really be together.

[6;49PM]: Can’t text you in a lake.

[6;49PM]: You think we might?

[6;49PM]: I don’t know what happens then. Suppose we’re honest about it?

[MERECK]

[6;50PM]: No. wasn’t til I met you I realized the possibility of being with a man.

[6;50PM]: Though I don’t know if that’s entirely true…

[6;51PM]: hm.

[6;51PM]: Sounds fair. Maybe we should just take it easy until then. Not give away too much… seems like we have been risky.

[JONATHAN]

[6;52PM]: What do you mean? You think you might have thought about it before?

[6;52PM]: It seems to me like you have never felt comfortable or safe enough to explore it.

[6;53PM]: You’re worried about what happened today.

[6;53PM]: In the cafeteria.

[MERECK]

[6;54PM]: Well. The shit that happened… I don’t know like

[6;55PM]: Maybe what happened to me.

[6;55PM]: Yeah. Maybe.

[6;55PM]: Yeah. Kinda. And self defense.

[JONATHAN]

[6;56PM]: You think what happened to you made you suppress it?

[6;56PM]: Or made you feel like this?

[6;57PM]: Oh, yeah. Well, we can be more careful. If it makes you uncomfortable

[MERECK]

[6;58PM]: maybe?

[6;58PM]: Do you think it… contributed to it?

[6;58PM]: like it got into me young and it… I didn’t realize until now…

[6;59PM]: I just wanna keep the mystery for a while. I don’t know. Is that bad?

[JONATHAN]

[7;00PM]: It depends on what you mean. If you’re talking about you surprising it from a young age, possibly. Especially if you felt it was wrong.

[7;00PM]: If you are talking about something else that ‘made’ you gay, then I don’t think that’s likely.

[7;01PM]: No, that’s not bad. If it’s just about the mystery.

[MERECK]

[7;02PM]: Even if a part of me liked it?

[7;02PM]: That’s sick. I’m sick.

[7;02PM]: I am afraid you won’t like me.

[7;03PM]: That you will find me repulsive. I feel like I am.

[JONATHAN]

[7;04PM]: I don’t know everything that happened in your past.

[7;04PM]: But you are who you are.

[7;04PM]: I don’t think you’re sick, I think your blaming yourself for something out of your control.

[7;05PM]: Something your mind tried to adjust for to make you capable of handling it.

[MERECK]

[7;06PM]: Do you want to know?

[7;06PM]: I am asking you things that are impossible to answer. I’m sorry.

[7;06PM]: Maybe.

[7;07PM]: Thank you for listening

[JONATHAN]

[7;08PM]: I want to know you. Whether you feel like you need to tell me parts of your past or not or if you are ready to divulge that is up to you.

[7;08PM]: Because your comfort comes first, poet.

[7;09PM]: There will be time for me to learn everything, if you aren’t ready.

[7;09PM]: You don’t have to thank me. I think you are being hard on yourself because that’s all you know.

[MERECK]

[7;10PM]: I want to I just don’t want to make things uncomfortable or put you in spot where you feel like you’ve gotta say things.

[7:11PM]: Taking another shot.

[7;11PM]: I try to act confident. I just don’t want people to think I’m a target. I can’t deal with that shit

[7;12PM]: being targeted.

[JONATHAN]

[7;13PM]: I’m not uncomfortable talking to you.

[7;13PM]: That sounds all too familiar. Except I haven’t found a way to stop that from happening.

[7;14PM]: I don’t know that we have control over that.

[MERECK]

[7;15PM]: I know. I just don’t want to say something that would make you uncomfortable or not know what to say.

[7;15PM]: I hate that, Stranger. I want to kill everyone who has ever hurt you.

[7;16PM]: I feel protective of you

[JONATHAN]

[7;17PM]: I’m not sure you could find something that could make me so uncomfortable I would turn away.

[7;17PM]: Poet…

[7;17PM]: That’s so foreign to me. No one has ever said anything like that.

[7;18PM]: But I feel very protective of you too.

[MERECK]

[7;20PM]: I just was taken advantage of when I was young. A lot. And a small part of me liked it. I just. I don’t know.

[7;20PM]: And i read about that and how it’s almost normal but

[7;21PM]: makes me feel like a freak.

[7;21PM]: you do?

[7;21PM]: we are in trouble

[JONATHAN]

[7;22PM]: Oh poet…

[7;22PM]: You are not a freak.

[7;22PM]: Not at all.

[7;23PM]: You have no idea.

[7;23PM]: Enduring that is not easy, I know.

[7;23PM]: I think we have been in trouble for a long while now.

[MERECK]

[7;24PM]: yeah? I feel like it.

[7;24PM]: I feel like there something wrong with me.

[7;25PM]: You know? What do you know, Stranger?

[7;25PM]: I’m scared. What if….

[JONATHAN]

[7;26PM]: Nothing is wrong with you. Especially not because of that.

[7;26PM]: You didn’t ask for it to happen to you.

[7;27PM]: I know what that’s like.

[7;27PM]: What if… what?

[7;28PM]: how do you know what it’s like?

[7;28PM]: It makes me feel repulsive and used.

[7;29PM]: and that’s why I am afraid you won’t like me.

[7;29PM]: what if I’m falling for you?

[JONATHAN]

[7;30PM]: I…

[7;30PM]: I went through something similar.

[7;30PM]: So I understand what you’re feeling.

[7;30PM]: It’s not your fault. I won’t judge you because of that.

[7;31PM]: Poet…

[7;31PM]: Do you really feel that way?

[MERECK]

[7;32PM]: You did? Christ.

[7;32PM]: that makes me want to cry.

[7;32PM]: Do you feel at fault?

[7;33PM]: Stranger…

[7;33PM]: why do you think I’m so scared?

[JONATHAN]

[7;34PM]: Yes.

[7;34PM]: Poet, it’s alright. I’m alright. I’m more concerned about you.

[7;35PM]: Sometimes. I always feel like I should have been stronger somehow. Faster to to make it stop. Feel that way with the bullying too.

[7;35PM]: I feel so weak all the time.

[7;35PM]: I don’t know, poet.

[7;35PM]: But it takes my breath away you think you feel that way…

[MERECK]

[7;36PM]: Did you like it? Like… was it something that scared you but that a part of you liked?

[7;36PM]: I feel sick. I’ve never told anyone.

[7;37PM]: Stranger you’re not weak not at all. Don’t even say that. Dont think it. So goddamn strong.

[7;37PM]: I feel sick all the time. Like so goddamn nervous.

[JONATHAN]

[7;38PM]: I… I don’t know. I try not to think about it.

[7;38PM]: Probably.

[7;38PM]: There was a while when my mom…

[7;38PM]: Well, blamed me.

[7;39PM]: I never told anyone either. Other than my therapist.

[7;39PM]: I’m really not.

[7;39PM]: I feel nervous too. I think… I think I might be falling as well and I’m kind of terrified because I don’t want to scare you and I don’t know how this will end.

[MERECK]

[7;41PM]: Your mom knew?

[7;41PM]: And didn’t do anything?

[7;41PM]: what a fucking piece of shit. I’m sorry.

[7;42PM]: You are strong.

[7;42PM]: Yeah?

[7;42PM]: Well. At least we have each other to hold onto while we fall.

[JONATHAN]

[7;43PM]: She didn’t want to believe it.

[7;43PM]: Said it was all in my head. That if anything had happened was probably cause of me.

[7;44PM]: Thank you, poet.

[7;44PM]: That was a beautiful way to put it

[MERECK]

[7;45PM]: Fuck. Her. I want to kill her.

[7;45PM]: Bet my mom would do the same. Fucking think she suspects it and doesn’t care.

[7;45PM]: Who… did it to you? If you don’t mind me asking?

[7;46PM]; it’s just the truth.

[JONATHAN]

[7;46PM]: She eventually stepped up. It took a while.

[7;46PM]: You really think she has a clue about it?

[7;46PM]: I… uh… had a step father for a short period.

[7;47PM]: I’m glad it’s you.

[MERECK]

[7;48PM]: Seriously? I don’t know if I’ve ever talked to someone with similar experiences….

[7;48PM]: What do you mean she stepped up? What’d she do?

[7;49PM]: yeah. I don’t know how she couldn’t. He wasn’t always subtle.

[7;49PM]: maybe she just turned a blind eye. I don’t know.

[7;49PM]: I am just saying the truth in how I feel. I’ve wanted to be honest with you always.

[JONATHAN]

[7;50PM]: Yeah, seriously. Who was it for you?

[7;50PM]: She got rid of him. Left him.

[7;50PM]: Really? Shit, poet. Now I want to go do something for you.

[7;51PM]: I want to be honest with you too. I was scared to say something because… I know this is new.

[MERECK]

[7;52PM]: My father.

[7;52PM]: good. I’m glad.

[7;52PM]: good. Honesty is the best policy.

[7;53PM]: Have you ever fallen for anyone before?

[JONATHAN]

[7;54PM]: Oh my God, poet.

[7;54PM]: Shit. Are you kidding me? I will… I don’t know. I will do something.

[7;54PM]: I’m short, maybe I can kick him in the balls and he won’t see it coming.

[7;54PM]: I’m sorry.

[7;55PM]: No, I’ve never fallen for anyone.

[7;55PM]: Not like this.

[MERECK]

[7;56PM]: Its what it is.

[7;56PM]: I’ve kinda just accepted it. Dealt with it.

[7;57PM]: that might be good. Kicking him in the balls. I have considered as such.

[7;57PM]: really? Do you think…

[JONATHAN]

[7;58PM]: You shouldn’t have to deal with the way he’s treated you. In any respect.

[7;58PM]: Damn. That’s so unfair.

[7;59PM]: You should. Maybe if you kick hard enough he’ll lose feeling there.

[7;59PM]: Do I think what?

[MERECK]

[8;01PM]: neither should you.

[8;01PM]: I would hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt you.

[8;02PM]: do you think that we will fall together?

[JONATHAN]

[8;03PM]: Maybe some people are just destined to be in these positions.

[8;03PM]: Maybe we are supposed to learn something.

[8:05PM]: I love that about you. That you want the best for me.

[8;05PM]: I hope we do.

[MERECK]

[8;06PM]: Destined to be abused and targeted?

[8;06PM]: I don’t know. I think it’s just shit luck.

[8;07PM]: 💜💕

[8;07PM]: I always want whats best for you.

[8;07PM]: my heart races.

[JONATHAN]

[8;08PM]: Maybe. That’s a horrible thought, but maybe.

[8;08PM]: Between the two of us our luck must be terrible.

[8;08PM]: I hope that doesn’t affect this.

[8;09PM]: 💕❤️☺️

[8;09PM]: Do you feel more comfortable with me now?

[MERECK]

[8;10PM]: I hope not.

[8;10PM]: I would do whatever I had to in order to protect you.

[8;10PM]: yeah. I do.

[8;11PM]: So comfortable.

[JONATHAN]

[8;12PM]: I hope not as well.

[8;12PM]: Would you do the same to protect things I care about?

[8;12PM]: Because I need you to protect yourself for me.

[8;13PM]: Good, I’m glad. Admittedly I was concerned.

[MERECK]

[8;14PM]: I’ll try. I’ll try and protect myself.

[8;14PM]: I have spent too long NOT protecting myself.

[8;14PM]: I would tell you anything.

[JONATHAN]

[8;15PM]: So have I, poet.

[8;15PM]: How come it is so easy to stand up for others, but so hard to stand up for ourselves?

[8;16PM]: I’m so used to feeling unsafe that being comfortable with you feels jarring.

[8;16PM]: Is it like that for you?

[MERECK]

[8;17PM]: because we don’t see our own worth but we can see the worth in one another.

[8;18PM]: I know what you mean. I feel the same.

[8;18PM]: exactly the same. You like.. read my mind, stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[8;19PM]: That’s scarily true. Why is that? Why can’t we ever see our worth?

[8;19PM]: I don’t want to feel that way. I want what we have to be the normal way to feel.

[8;20PM]: What do we do, poet?

[MERECK]

[8;21PM]: because not enough people instilled that value in us when we were little. We always believed we were worthless so it became our reality.

[8;21PM]: we ride it out. We let what happens happen

[JONATHAN]

[8;23PM]: I refuse to be worthless, I refuse.

[8;23PM]: I guess that’s why I have always been so focused on trying to follow my dreams.

[8;23PM]: I needed something to hold on to.

[8;24PM]: All in certain of right now is that I want you to be in my life for as long as you can be.

[MERECK]

[8;25PM]: you’re not worthless. Not at all. Not to me.

[8;25PM]: I am glad following your dreams has helped. Keep it up, Stranger.

[8;26PM]: I’ll be here as long as you let me be

[JONATHAN]

[8;27PM]: You’re not worthless either. You’re incredible. You saw me when no one else has.

[8;27PM]: I want to help you get away. I want to help you find yourself.

[8;28PM]: I don’t want you to be afraid of me.

[MERECK]

[8;29PM]: how could no one else see you? God. I guess I shouldn’t complain. I wouldn’t have gotten this chance if someone else had snagged you.

[8;29PM]: you’ve helped me so much already, Stranger. Do you realize that?

[8;30PM]: I’m not afraid of you.

[JONATHAN]

[8;31PM]: I don’t know. People see what they want in me instead of seeing me as how I am. You’re so special and unique, poet.

[8;31PM]: No, not really. I don’t know how I’ve helped you at all, actually.

[8;32PM]: What are you afraid of then?

[MERECK]

[8;33PM]: you make me ache.

[8;33PM]: In a good way. You’re like home. For the first time.

[8;34PM]: Really? Stranger. If you were here…

[8;34PM]: I’m afraid of myself.

[JONATHAN]

[8;35PM]: You make my stomach flip. In a good way.

[8;35PM]: When you talk like that it makes me want to cry. Because no one has ever spoke to me like that before.

[8;35PM]: What would you do?

[8;36PM]: Why are you afraid of yourself? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re amazing.

[MERECK]

[8;37PM]: Don’t cry, Stranger. I’m not there to wipe your tears.

[8;38PM]: it’s time someone speaks that way to you.

[8;38PM]: I would show you how much you’ve helped me.

[8;38PM]: I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you. Or that I’ll hurt you on accident.

[JONATHAN]

[8;39PM]: I can’t help it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel… emotional.

[8;39PM]: Thank you, poet. I want to give you the world.

[8;40PM]: You mean I’ve helped you accept the potential gay?

[8;40PM]: I rather be accidentally hurt by you than not have this experience at all. I don’t want to hurt you either.

[MERECK]

[8;41PM]: Shhh.

[8;41PM]: well. Yeah. And just you’ve been so open and. I don’t know. I feel like I can TALK to you in ways I can’t with others.

[8;42PM]: I guess all scary things are risky.

[JONATHAN]

[8;43PM]: I’ve been able to talk with you in ways I never imagined possible.

[8;43PM]: Tell me, is there anything good about your life back home at all?

[8;44PM]: I’m willing to take the risk with you. Maybe because I’m too afraid not to take the risk.

[MERECK]

[8;45PM]: I don’t know.

[8;45PM]: I mean. Yeah. School never was too bad. Sports. My mates.

[8;46PM]: but home home? Sucks. All around.

[8;46PM]: sometimes taking a risk is the best way.

[JONATHAN]

[8;47PM]: Well, I suppose at least you had something to distract you.

[8;47PM]: I don’t want you to go back there. Not knowing what I do.

[8;47PM]: I wish I could go away with you.

[8;48PM]: Shit, someone just came in and is making so much noise.

[MERECK]

[8;49PM]: I don’t want to go back there either. Idk how I’m gonna handle it knowing that you’re real.

[8;50PM]: I wish you could too.

[8;50PM]: whyyy what are they doing?

[JONATHAN]

[8;51PM]: I don’t know how I’m going to handle it either. I am going to hate the end of this summer.

[8;51PM]: We should figure something out. Somehow.

[8;52PM]: Slamming things. They sound pissed.

[MERECK]

[8;53PM]: Me too. I don’t want it to end. Don’t even wanna consider it.

[8;53PM]: how? What would we figure out?

[8;54PM]: oh man. Wonder why.

[JONATHAN]

[8;55PM]: I don’t want to consider it either. I wish I could keep it from happening.

[8;55PM]: A way to get away?

[8;55PM]: Me too. It just makes me want to hide though. Stupid, huh?

[MERECK]

[8;56PM]: I just mean what would we do. To get away?

[8;56PM]: I wish we could.

[8;56PM]: not stupid no. Just ignore him. Don’t make eye contact. You’ll be okay.

[JONATHAN]

[8;57PM]: I don’t know. Find somewhere that no one can force us to go back. A remote area, maybe.

[8;57PM]: It’s nice to dream.

[8;57PM]: Okay. I’m trying, I just get so tense when people are like this.

[MERECK]

[8;58PM]: it is a nice dream. I like it. Let’s live in that dream for a while, okay?

[8;58PM]: Stranger don’t be afraid. I’m here with you. Nothing bad can happen. Focus on me.

[JONATHAN]

[8;59PM]: I never want to leave that dream. I haven’t even met you yet and I feel like everything would be better with you.

[8;59PM]: Why is it you make me fee so safe?

[8;59PM]: How do you do that?

[MERECK]

[9;00PM]: Supposedly dreams can become reality if you believe in them and all that shit.

[9;00PM]: You’re so sweet. And open.

[9;00PM]: I don’t know why or how but it is what it is in the best way, yeah?

[9;01PM]: I’m sorry I’m weird sometimes, Stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[9;03PM]: Do you really think that’s true? Because I’m happy to believe it with all that I am.

[9;03PM]: I feel like I can be honest with you.

[9;03PM]: No, you’re right. This is fantastic. I’m so grateful for it that I don’t know how to express it properly.

[9;04PM]: You’re not weird. At least not to me.

[MERECK]

[9;05PM]: Just keep believing it, Stranger.

[9;05PM]: Funny. We don’t know one another’s names but we are…

[9;05PM]: in a free fall.

[9;06PM]: I have a lot of problems and I know I gotta work on it all.

[9;06PM]: I thank you for understanding and your patience with me.

[JONATHAN]

[9;07PM]: I will, I’ll try.

[9;07PM]: It is funny, isn’t it? I guess it goes to show that a person doesn’t connect with the superficial. They connect with a personality, a soul.

[9;08PM]: We all have problems we are dealing with. We all are trying to be better.

[MERECK]

[9;09PM]: you are so poetic. And so right.

[9;09PM]: I’m learning that.

[9;09PM]: thanks to you.

[JONATHAN]

[9;10PM]: It’s rare that I hear those words spoken in my direction.

[9;10PM]: I don’t think I’m that poetic.

[9;11PM]: I don’t feel like I have done anything special. All I’ve done is exist. You were the one to reach out to a stranger.

[MERECK]

[9;12PM]: take the compliment to your character because I speak the truth to you.

[9;12PM]: You are poetic. We are a couple of poetic artistic strangers on this journey around the sun together.

[9;13PM]: To be fair I reached out to troll you. But that was before I knew.

[JONATHAN]

[9;14PM]: Alright, fine. I know you will not let it go if I don’t.

[9;14PM]: That is beautiful. And so true. Maybe that is why we were meant to run into one another. To inspire each other.

[9;15PM]: That might be the case, but as soon as you realized I hadn’t done it, you were kind and ready to back off. Heck, you even got rid of the number.

[MERECK]

[9;16PM]: I think so. If you believe things happen for a reason. Maybe there’s a reason we met.

[9;16PM]: True. I’m a class A kinda guy. 😉

[JONATHAN]

[9;17PM]: I’m not sure all things happen for a reason, but I think good ones do. They heal our hearts when the world has broken us down.

[9;17PM]: Become our motivation to keep going.

[9;18PM]: You joke, but you actually are. 😋

[MERECK]

[9;19PM]: The bad ones are there to teach us something. To lead us down different paths and to open our mind to new things.

[9;19PM]: and maybe the bad things are there to lead to good things.

[9;19PM]: why thank you. You are as well.

[JONATHAN]

[9;20PM]: You could be right about that. I suppose ok some ways our experience have helped connect us.

[9;20PM]: Helped us to understand one another.

[9;20PM]: I wish that wasn’t the case, but maybe we’re better people for it all.

[9;21PM]: I have the horrible urge to hug you.

[MERECK]

[9;22PM]: I think that’s it. Honesty. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just chance. Seems too unreal.

[9;22PM]: You’re a good person.

[9;22PM]: That’s the opposite of horrible, Stranger. I want to hug you, too.

[JONATHAN]

[9;23PM]: Maybe it is. The universe is a complicated place.

[9;23PM]: I don’t always feel that way, but thank you.

[9;27PM]: Sorry, that jerk just kicked me out of the bunk. I wish I could be around you.

[MERECK]

[9;28PM]: Yeah, it is.

[9;28PM]: he kicked you out? Wtf does that mean?

[JONATHAN]

[9;29PM]: He saw me and then got mad that he 'can’t have any time alone’ and told me to get out. When I refused to move he threw his shoe at me.

[9;30PM]: I feel like someone is a little sexually frustrated.

[9;30PM]: It’s fine, I just went to sit by the lake. He’ll have to deal with everyone going in to sleep soon enough.

[MERECK]

[9;31PM]: Is that someone you? Cause I can find you. By the lake 😉

[9;31PM]: What cabin are you in, Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[9;32PM]: Cute. Not what I meant, but yes. Absolutely. 😊

[9;32PM]: Could get naughty swimming in the water.

[9;32PM]: I’m not telling you that. That would be too much temptation for you to resist.

[MERECK]

[9;33PM]: you told me where YOU are. Bet I could find you.

[9;33PM]: Very naughty. Don’t tempt me.

[9;33PM] Which cabin, Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[9;34PM]: Maybe, but that’s a little different, isn’t it? There are others milling around.

[9;34PM]: But I enjoy tempting you.

[9;35PM]: Poet… it’s okay, I’m okay.

[MERECK]

[9;36PM]: I guess. In a way, yes.

[9;36PM]: Tell me, Stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[9;37PM]: Poet…

[9;37PM]: You’re not going to give up until I tell you, are you?

[9;38PM]: I’m in cabin 13.

[MERECK]

[10;25PM]: He won’t be bothering you anymore.

[10;25PM]: I left you something on your bed. Nice painting btw. You’re so artistic.

[JONATHAN]

[10;27PM]: What did you do, poet?

[10;27PM]: Tell me?

[10;28PM]: Oh, I forgot you would see that I… thank you. What did you leave me?

[MERECK]

[10;30PM]: I just talked to him 🤔🤥

[10;30PM]: telling you right now I don’t put up with people’s shit when it comes to someone I care about.

[10;31PM]: A sweatshirt. It’s chilly.

[JONATHAN]

[10;33PM]: Oh is that so? Liar.

[10;33PM]: You’re sweet. Thank you, but you didn’t need to do that. Even though I appreciate it so much.

[10;33PM]: Did you really just leave me one of your sweatshirts? Why am I giddy about that?

[MERECK]

[10;35PM]: Bloke looked like a baby’s anus.

[10;35PM]: I walked in there and he was all in a huff and so I told him if I hear he kicks out any of his bunk mates or does anything to hurt any of them or even says a damn word to them he would have to deal with me.

[10;36PM]: then I wiped that stupid sarcastic smirk off his face.

[10;37PM]: I was kind of hoping you would be giddy about it. I didn’t even think I just threw it off on your bed and left. Don’t mind the blood on the wall.

[JONATHAN]

[10;39PM]: Oh my God, poet. That’s crazy. Wow. I’ve never had someone stand up for me like that.

[10;39PM]: Shit, don’t get into trouble for me. I would hate is something happened to you.

[10;40PM]: Well, damn. How badly did you hurt him?

[10;40PM]: Hopefully you won’t recognize it too much because I have a feeling I will be wearing that sweatshirt a lot.

[MERECK]

[10;41PM]: I won’t get in trouble. Promise.

[10;41PM]: I just shook him up a bit 😉 he deserved it.

[10;41PM]: you’re going to wear it in this heat?

[JONATHAN]

[10;42PM]: You better not. If you get kicked out I’ll be very upset.

[10;42PM]: If you say so, poet.

     Nervous energy itched through his veins as Jonathan stared at the message on his phone telling him to call the poet. Sliding out of bed, he glanced about himself, slowly and quietly padding out of the bedroom and out the screen door. Walking down the rows of cabins, he moved towards the lake, hoping he wouldn’t wake anyone up if he was further away. Hovering his finger over the call button, Jonathan took in a deep breath, feeling a jolt slide down his spine as he pressed down on it.

     Anxiety rolled through his gut as he heard the dial tone, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as he waited to see if the other boy would actually pick up. What would he sound like, he wondered. Would they still get along?

[4;45PM]: I just want to do what feels good and right. And not overthink.

[4;45PM]: And right now I’m laying naked on my bed.

[4;46PM]: I’m warm. I don’t even have energy to get dressed.

[JONATHAN]

[4;45PM]: Not overthinking is good, but you do have to think at some point.

[4;45PM]: Anyone that walks in could get a show. You should cover up unless you’re trying to make me jealous of your bunk mates.

[4;46PM]: I’d bring food and leave it outside your cabin but if I know what cabin you are in that might prove difficult overall.

[MERECK]

[4;47PM]: Well yes if you aren’t thinking you’re dead.

[4;47PM]: I’ll just stand there with my dick in the window. And you can put a bagel around it.

[4;48PM]: ;)

[4;48PM]: Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[4;49PM]: Not necessarily. Some people live their lives mindlessly and not questioning.

[4;49PM]: That wouldn’t be the thing I would put around it.

[4;50PM]: ;)

[4;50PM]: What’s up, poet?

[MERECK]

[4;51PM]: what would you put around it, Stranger?

[4;51PM]: Am i a bottom?

[JONATHAN]

[4;52PM]: Probably my mouth.

[4;52PM]: That worries you?

[4;52PM]: You don’t have to be, no. I always felt bottom and top defines more than your positions, it says something about your attitude. Most people are both.

[MERECK]

[4;53PM]: damn.

[4;53PM]: No. just was curious because it seems like… the trend with our… experiences.

[4;53PM]: Most are both?

[JONATHAN]

[4;54PM]: What can I say? I can’t resist when it’s you.

[4;54PM]: They have. Do you want to be one?

[4;54PM]: Yes. From what I know, which is limited in it’s own right, most take turns.

[MERECK]

[4;55PM]: Did you really just say that?

[4;55PM]: I just got dressed too.

[4;55PM]: I like that. Taking turns. I say this because I feel like it’s going to happen.

[JONATHAN]

[4;56PM]: Sorry, was that too much?

[4;56PM]: Oh, I see. Well, maybe for the best. You need food if you’re going to sustain yourself through all our recent activities.

[4;57PM]: You really feel that way?

[4;57PM]: You say these things and I get ridiculously hopeful.

[MERECK]

[4;58PM]: No. I like it. And that’s where I am nervous.

[4;58PM]: Dinner then back to the room. Maybe it’d be better if we texted tonight so I don’t have to worry about anyone overhearing.

[4;59PM]: you get hopeful about fucking me?

[JONATHAN]

[5;00PM]: I can stop if the nerves ever become too much. Just know that. You have that control.

[5;00PM]: I’m sitting in the cafeteria already, it’s fairly crowded.

[5;01PM]: Mostly about being with you, but that too. :)

[MERECK]

[5;01PM]: I know. Thank you. [5;02PM]: Is it?

[5;02PM]: Supposedly Dax is there.

[5;02PM]: Which means sneaking booze into our lemonade.

[5;03PM]: Stranger. :)

[5;03PM]: ❤️

[5;03PM]: Got me sending heart emojis.

[JONATHAN]

[5;04PM]: No problem.

[5;04PM]: I don’t see him but he could be on the other side of the room.

[5;05PM]: That sounds like you’re going to be tipsy though. ;)

[5;05PM]: Seems like you’re sunk, poet. Sending heart emojis.

[MERECK]

[5;06PM]: ❤️💕

[5;06PM]: 😉

[5;06PM]: Maybe tipsy would make me feel more relaxed.

[5;06PM]: Find Dax and ask him for a shot.

[5;07PM]: Yes I am. UghhhhhHhhhhhh.

[JONATHAN]

[5;08PM]: 😌❤️

[5;08PM]: You feel that nervous?

[5;09PM]: Are you trying to get me drunk, poet?

[5;09PM]: I think I’m sunk too.

[MERECK]

[5;10PM]: Yes I am that nervous.

[5;10PM]: Mayyybe. Or maybe I wanna see who walks over to Dax.

[5;11PM]: Yeah? 😍❤️💜👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

[JONATHAN]

[5;12PM]: I have to admit something.

[5;12PM]: I’m nervous too.

[5;13PM]: Oh really? I could do it, but then you will know who I am and I won’t know who you are.

[5;13PM]: 😚

[MERECK]

[5;14PM]: yeah? About what,

[5;14PM]: God you are cute.

[5;14PM]: what would you say if you already knew who I was?

[5;15PM]: 💚❤️💜💕😍😋

[JONATHAN]

[5;16PM]: About all of this. Whether you’ll like me, how this will all go.

[5;16PM]: Why am I cute?

[5;16PM]: I would say that’s probably impossible because I don’t know anyone as amazing as you.

[5;17PM]: I’m smiling like an idiot.

[5;17PM]: 😊👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨💚

[MERECK]

[5;17PM]: awww. Cutie.

[5;17PM]: you are cute because you get me. You understand. And you are sweet and kind.

[5;18PM]: I bet you have a cute smile.

[5;18PM]: 💕❤️

[JONATHAN]

[5;19PM]: I guess those are as good reasons as any to be cute.

[5;19PM]: But I get the feeling you’re just aiming to make me go beet red so you can find me.

[5;20PM]: I don’t know, suppose it’s alright. I bet you have that easy handsomeness about you.

[MERECK]

[5;22PM]: Nooo. I would never do that to you.

[5;22PM]: I don’t know how true that is.

[5;22PM]: I don’t think I’m handsome. I don’t know.

[JONATHAN]

[5;23PM]: You sure about that? You aren’t curious about me?

[5;23PM]: I know how true it is.

[5;23PM]: Every part of you I have seen so far is incredibly attractive.

[5;23PM]: You should have some confidence in that.

[MERECK]

[5;24PM]: I am quite curious about you. Tell me all the things.

[5;24PM]: well. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[5;24PM]: but I don’t know. I’m not great, Stranger. I don’t wanna disappoint.

[JONATHAN]

[5;25PM]: What do you want to know about me?

[5;25PM]: Don’t worry, I don’t think you could ever disappoint me in that way.

[5;25PM]: I’m not that shallow.

[5;26PM]: I’m more concerned with liking who you are.

[MERECK]

[5;27PM]: Everything? Is that an acceptable answer?

[5;27PM]: Yeah? Well. What if you don’t like that either?

[5;28PM]: Okay dinner is a go. Dax has tequila tonight.

[JONATHAN]

[5;29PM]: It is, but I need a place to start or else this could get messy.

[5;29PM]: Poet…

[5;29PM]: Haven’t you been paying attention? I already do like that.

[5;30PM]: Well, I expect you to be trashed very soon.

[MERECK]

[5;31PM]: Stranger…

[5;31PM]: you sure?

[5;32PM]: I don’t know. We will see. He’s already poured two shots into my lemonade.

[5;32PM]: Are you still in here?

[JONATHAN]

[5;33PM]: Yes, poet, in sure I like the man who has spent all this time getting to know me.

[5;33PM]: Who has been willing to understand me and is kind enough to help a person he didn’t even know.

[5;33PM]: Seems like you’re well on your way.

[5;34PM]: Yes, in still in here.

[MERECK]

[5;35PM]: Why wouldn’t I want to know you? You’re special.

[5;35PM]: I chugged it down.

[5;35PM]: it’s weird we are in the same place. Again. I looked around.

[JONATHAN]

[5;36PM]: See? You’re far too kind. There’s plenty of people who wouldn’t.

[5;36PM]: You’ll definitely be feeling that.

[5;37PM]: Admittedly I did the same until I realized I know what Dax looks like and that means I could probably figure out who you are.

[MERECK]

[5;38PM]: Come get some tequila.

[5;38PM]: Well. We got a lot of people around us.

[5;38PM]: Who wouldn’t want to know you, Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[5;39PM]: If I come get some, you’ll know it’s me.

[5;39PM]: Maybe that’s why I didn’t see him right away.

[5;40PM]: Plenty of people, poet. Try everyone.

[MERECK]

[5;41PM]: I’m not everyone then.

[5;41PM]: True. Well. Take a guess. Which one am I?

[5;41PM]: Still so weird we are in the same room at the same time.

[JONATHAN]

[5;42PM]: No, you never have been.

[5;42PM]: I have no idea. You’re definitely not any of the blondes. It’s hard to figure it out when I’ve only seen your chest.

[5;42PM]: Maybe if you took off your shirt.

[5;43PM]: Would be even weirder if I approached Dax. I’d be inches from you.

[MERECK]

[5;55PM]: This is a dangerous game we play, Stranger.

[5;55PM]: One that kinda scares me.

[5;55PM]: but excites me, too.

[5;56PM]: I am kinda feeling those shots.

[JONATHAN]

[5;57PM]: Part of me wants to go over and let you see me.

[5;57PM]: Just to know I was close to you. Even for a minute.

[5;58PM]: You think you’re going to be acting up because of them? What kind of drunk are you?

[MERECK]

[6;01PM]: You could walk by. Probably even brush against me. People keep doing that.

[6;01PM]: Whys it so crowded anyway?

[6;02PM]: Depends.

[6;02PM]: sometimes I’m a stupid drunk. You know? I just say dumb shit. Then sometimes I’m emotional.

[6;03PM]: And sometimes I’m just tired. Like now.

[JONATHAN]

[6;04PM]: Don’t tempt to go over there. I might actually do it.

[6;04PM]: I don’t know why it’s so crowded. Maybe people are just hungry.

[6;04PM]: I see, so no rambling emotional mess tonight. Just a lot of sleep.

[MERECK]

[6;09PM]: just so we are clear, I did not condone that behavior from Dax just now.

[6;09PM]: Bloke and his bloody speeches.

[6;09PM]: I don’t know how he hasn’t been kicked out of camp yet tbh.

[6;10PM]: also I don’t know. We will see. If we wind up talking a lot like… I wanted to. Might be a mess.

[6;10PM]: I would be totally fine with you brushing past me. Touching me. Not knowing.

[JONATHAN]

[6;12PM]: I couldn’t really hear him. What did he say?

[6;12PM]: It’s a miracle. Though I bet he would say it was his charm.

[6;13PM]: Well, whatever you’re comfortable with, poet. We don’t have to talk if it’ll work you up.

[6;13PM]: I have the urge to go over there now just on the off chance that I might walk near you without knowing.

[MERECK]

[6;16PM]: you’re better off. He was crude.

[6;16PM]: Something about being single. And a terrible ode to camp.

[6;17PM]: No. I want to talk if you want to.

[6;20PM]: welllll it would be really off chance now. I’ve left. Though perhaps I walked by you.

[JONATHAN]

[6;22PM]: Guess it’s good I didn’t hear then, that sounds like a bit much.

[6;22PM]: I’m up to talking if you are. Just… what are you looking to talk about?

[6;23PM]: I was just leaving too. For the best that the temptation was taken away.

[1;38PM]: You all showered?

[1;38PM]: I don’t feel great.

[1;39PM]: how are you?

[JONATHAN]

[1;40PM]: Just finished.

[1;40PM]: What’s wrong? Why don’t you feel good?

[1;40PM]: Do you need anything?

[1;41PM]: I’m alright. Thinking.

[MERECK]

[1;42PM]: Just thinking too into everything.

[1;42PM]: scared I guess. And overtired?

[1;43PM]: what are you thinking?

[JONATHAN]

[1;44PM]: What do you mean? Thinking too into everything?

[1;44PM]: What are you afraid of? I understand the tired. Maybe you should rest more.

[1;45PM]: I was just thinking of everything that happened. About you.

[MERECK]

[1;47PM]: Just that I’m scared and this feels new and terrifying I guess. In a lot of ways.

[1;47PM]: Its hard to explain. I just think I gotta slow it down. I feel like I went 0 to 100.

[1;48PM]: what are you thinking about me?

[JONATHAN]

[1;49PM]: Oh, yes. I can see that. It is a lot of change all at once, isn’t it?

[1;49PM]: You kind of dove into the deep end without any flotation device.

[1;49PM]: If this is too much… that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel that fear.

[1;50PM]: I was just thinking about how this all seemed too good to be true. How special you are.

[MERECK]

[1;52PM]: You make me smile. You make me nervous. I want to meet you. I want to hug you.

[1;53PM]: I want to do a lot. With you.

[1;53PM]: but its new. All of it.

[1;53PM]: I’m afraid you won’t like me if we meet.

[1;54PM]: or it’ll be awkward. I don’t know.

[JONATHAN]

[1;55PM]: You make me feel all of those things too and so much more.

[1;55PM]: I don’t know how I wouldn’t like you. As long as you are you, I will.

[1;56PM]: Part of me is afraid that you won’t like being confronted with the fact I’m… not your usual type.

[1;56PM]: I’m afraid you’ll meet me and you’ll wish things were different.

[MERECK]

[1;57PM]: If you want me to be honest, I’m afraid of that too.

[1;57PM]: But I think that’s just general fear.

[1;57PM]: I don’t know.

[1;58PM]: I think I’m just overthinking.

[1;58PM]: It feels too real

[JONATHAN]

[1;59PM]: I figured that would come eventually.

[1;59PM]: Maybe you need to do something else.

[1;59PM]: Something that will take your mind of everything.

[2;00PM]: I’ll never pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to or aren’t comfortable with, poet.

[MERECK]

[2;01PM]: Don’t think it’s you, Stranger. Please. It’s not you at all.

[2;01PM]: maybe. I could go for a run.

[2;01PM]: please don’t overthink this.

[2;02PM]: You are fantastic.

[JONATHAN]

[2;03PM]: I can’t change who I am. So whether it’s me or not me, it won’t change the outcome, whatever it winds up being.

[2;03PM]: I’m not really fantastic.

[2;03PM]: I’m selfish.

[2;04PM]: I knew this would probably scare or overwhelm you, but I didn’t stop it.

[2;04PM]: All I thought about was what I wanted.

[2;04PM]: Go clear your head, poet. Take all the time you want and deserve.

[MERECK]

[4;06PM]: I ran. I’m sweaty as fuck.

[4;06PM]: I like you.

[4;07PM]: There are so many things I wanna tell you.

[4;07PM]: maybe tonight.

[4;07PM]: if that’s okay

[JONATHAN]

[4;14PM]: Sounds like you need another shower.

[4;14PM]: You do? I like you too.

[4;14PM]: What kind of things?

[4;15PM]: I suppose that’s alright.

[4;15PM]: I’d like that, actually.

[MERECK]

[4;16PM]: I do. I like you.

[4;16PM]: yes. You sure?

[4;16PM]: I don’t want you to feel bad about anything. And there’s a lot of shit. Maybe you can help me figure it out. On the phone.

[JONATHAN]

[4;17PM]: I’m glad to hear that much at least.

[4;17PM]: Of course I’m sure.

[4;17PM]: What am I going to feel bad about? This is your journey, your emotions. I don’t have any claim to them.

[MERECK]

[4;18PM]: I never want you to feel as though I am jerking you around like you’re some kind of experiment.

[4;19PM]: you’re not. You’re far from that.

[4;20PM]: I’ll call you after dinner. Is that alright?

[JONATHAN]

[4;21PM]: It’s okay. I know this is new for you and you’re not sure what you want.

[4;21PM]: It’s not something you even considered possible.

[4;21PM]: Yes, that would be alright.

[MERECK]

[4;22PM]: I feel like I know what I want but it’s scary?

[4;22PM]: right. You’re really amazing, Stranger.

[4;22PM]: okay. I’ll text you soon. I need to shower and get pretty for dinner ;)

[JONATHAN]

[4;23PM]: All new things are scary. Especially if you feel it is going to bring you trouble.

[4;23PM]: I don’t think I’m that amazing, poet. I just try to put myself in other people’s shoes.

[4;23PM]: You make it sound like dinner is some fancy affair, but have fun with that.

[MERECK]

[4;24PM]: Yeah, it makes sense. Just trying to make sense of my life.

[4;25PM]: I just want to be happy.

[4;25PM]: I want things to work out.

[4;25PM]: yes. Dinner is v fancy didn’t you know? Suit and tie.

[JONATHAN]

[4;26PM]: I feel like we’re all just trying to make sense of our lives. It’s rough sometimes.

[4;26PM]: You will be happy eventually.

[4;26PM]: Whatever you decide to do.

[4;27PM]: Oh, darn. Here I was going out in jeans. Guess I should head back and get out my formalwear.

[MERECK]

[4;28PM]: I am getting naked.

[4;28PM]: Have that visual. ;)

[4;28PM]: Bet you look good in jeans.

[4;29PM]: Annnnd I can’t stop flirting with you.

[4;29PM]: Eep.

[JONATHAN]

[4;30PM]: That is just rude. I am going into the public.

[4;30PM]: But I bet you look amazing wearing anything.

[4;31PM]: Do you want to stop?

[MERECK]

[4;40PM]: Alllll showered.

[4;40PM]: Don’t mean to be rude. ;)

[4;40PM]: No, I don’t. I only do if you want me to because I know I’m a mess. Don’t want you to think I’m playing you.

[JONATHAN]

[4;41PM]: Everything you say is rude because it makes me think of you.

[4;41PM]: But that’s alright. I like it.

[10;31AM]: I would love to figure it out with you, Stranger.

[10;31AM]: yeah. Sleep away. I’ll be here. Always.

[10;31AM]: stay hopeful. I like you hopeful.

[10;32AM]: sleep well. I’ll ttys :)

[JONATHAN]

[11;09AM]: I feel like everything was a dream.

[11;09AM]: like you are a dream.

[11;09AM]: Okay. Going to sleep a little longer.

[11;09AM]: Don’t be my imagination.

[MERECK]

[1;04PM]: it wasn’t a dream. I’m not a dream. I’m real.

[1;05PM]: and I am covered in come. I’m gross.

[1;05PM]: between that dream and you… Whoops.

[1;05PM]: I hope you slept well, prince.

[JONATHAN]

[1;09PM]: Mm, will have to take your word for that.

[1;09PM]: I feel gross too. I need a shower.

[1;09PM]: I’m glad you told me that dream. That was fantastic.

[1;10PM]: I feel so lethargic and warm.

[MERECK]

[1;11PM]: shower with me.

[1;11PM]: Yeah? You liked it?

[1;11PM]: Me too. I’m sleepy still but I feel better.

[1;12PM]: a good shower and some food and I’ll be good to go.

[JONATHAN]

[1;13PM]: Okay. Let’s both shower.

[1;13PM]: I did. I loved it.

[1;13PM]: Everything about it was fantastic. I still feel sleepy but if I don’t get up now I won’t sleep later.

[1;14PM]: Sounds like a good plan. Think anyone missed us today?

[MERECK]

[1;16PM]: not quite the same as if you were actually here

[1;16PM]: Imagine? Think about that for a moment. If you’d been here earlier. If we were able to hug and kiss and sleep.

[1;18PM]: I should stop.

[1;18PM]: I’m going to shower

[JONATHAN]

[1;19PM]: No, not quite the same.

[1;19PM]: It would be amazing if I was there, if we could have done that. If we could be together now.

[1;20PM]: I want to be with you. I don’t want you to stop talking about it.

L O N E L IN E S S stuck to his ribs like HONEY, coating his insides REFUSING to b u d g e. It settled like rocks thrown into a still pond, SINKING deep and LEAVING i n d e n t s in the GRITTY bottom of his soul. The silent PHONE that sat poised beneath his FINGERTIPS left him feeling ALONE, pain s h o o t i n g through his ribs with each inhale. As he pulled up STRANGER’S window, he considered WHETHER or not to m e s s a g e. What if the stranger had finally gotten SICK of him? It was POSSIBLE they didn't K N O W much about one another, other than what they spoke, and while he felt CONNECTED to the stranger, that didn't MEAN this would last forever. He hadn't HEARD from him in some time, and it made him WONDER if he’d imagined their ENTIRE interaction at times. 

While he was A R O U N D people daily with WORK and  with the gallery, as of LATE, it was D I F F E R EN T than when he had gotten to s p e a k with the stranger. None of the P E O P L E he was surrounded with UNDERSTOOD him in the same way that HE had. None of them l i s t e n e d or CARED to the same extent. None of them MADE him feel wanted. It was a S T R A N G E feeling, realizing that. Knowing that no matter how much he TRIED,the feeling he got -- the CHEMISTRY he experienced when he spoke to the stranger -- was u n m at c h a b l e. 

He hadn't W A N T E D to get attached. Didn't WANT to think about when he would next TALK to him, didn't want to hope that it could LAST. Somehow, it had C R E P T in anyway.

G i v i n g  i n, he began to TYPE.

                        TEXT: Hello, poet. Checking in to make sure your liver                                    is still functioning and your sanity is intact. How                                    did the job hunt go?

               ~> S E N D