It do be like that sometimes...
You know itâs slightly messed up when youâre sitting with a group of ten people but you still feel empty, hollow. You try to ignore it but it is messed up when you watch your emotions fly away with the smoke you produce after taking the last drag of your tenth cigarette of the day. You know itâs weird because you cannot exactly put a finger on whatâs making you feel this way. You have friends who have your back. Regardless of how many times you screw up. You sit there, looking at the sky, second guessing the choices youâve made. You feel like youâre slowly letting go of everything, everyone. With every sip of that piping hot tea you take, and every time it stings your tongue, you wonder, you analyse, and realise that this is not how youâre supposed to feel. You know youâre trying. You know youâre fighting. But sometimes, a one man army canât fight everything coming at him. Itâs difficult to keep it all in and smile through the downhills. Itâs even harder to comfort others when you know youâre hitting rock bottom. But then you realise, this is how itâs always been. This is when you realise that youâre all you have. You sit all alone, and wish for someone to come and wrap their arms around you while you weep over this emotional hurricane pulling you down. Even when they know you canât exactly produce what youâre feeling, verbally. But you still sit alone, sinking into your own arms, with a cigarette, the only thing pressed against your lips, and your hoodie the only thing wrapped around you, giving you reassurance. You know itâs fucked up when you try to fill the void but it just doesnât happen. You feel like you donât belong here. You want to go home, but you donât even know where home is. Or what home is. Or who home is. Your reply to everyone who asks you whether youâre okay, is âI donât knowâ not because you donât want to tell them, itâs because you really donât know. And then you feel like an anchor, pulling everyone down. You ask yourself, âWhy am I like this?â âWhy do I push people away?â But you donât have an answer. Because that is who you are. Youâre trying to mend yourself but it feels like bringing a dead man back to life. Impossible.đ¤
