#meme.12days

it’s no secret that behind the scenes san and aroon don’t really get along. not a secret within their company, anyway. how could they with the way san views tiitanium – with how aroon treats san like an image he wants to step into rather than a person? so what would he get him? well, nothing. in every aspect of san’s life, he’s an afterthought. sometimes he rises up like an annoyance. in that pebble in the bottom of your shoe kind of way. and san is jealous of their concepts, of the theatrical concepts they’re given. but he knows aroon’s jealous right back. wants all that fame that san half resents. so maybe he could give him one of olympus’ music show trophies. attach a note. one day you’ll get there ( : (or maybe not)!

presents tend to be an afterthought fr san. something he remembers far too late. they’ve never really been a large part of his life. the only time his mother leaned on them were in instances of small bribes. but his birthday had been forgotten on more than one occasion. now, san’s bad at gift giving. at remembering the days. realizing that things like that matter to people. that they might want more than a handle of flavored booze. so in all likelihood, san would remember last minute. or it would hit him that he should have picked something up for hikari only after she had given something to him. and there would be no malice behind it. just forgetfulness. a difference in learned values. and he’d wind up lost in a department store until some helpful sales associate all but picked out some scarf or another. and it would be a nice scarf. a scarf that probably cost too much money. and he’d gift it late. but he’d mean it when he told her he was sorry. and he’d mean it when he’d tell her that he hoped she’d like it, too.

san doesn’t care about christmas. san doesn’t care about a lot of holidays. more than half the time he doesn’t get work off anyway, so what does it matter? what traditions does he have that doesn’t revolve around olympus, being carted around with them for whatever holiday special they need to make? so he doesn’t care, really. and by extension, when asked a question like these, there’s usually nothing there to answer with. he doesn’t decorate. he doesn’t build excitement, or get lost in the holiday cheer. to san, it’s another day. one where he feels just a little more sidelined than usual, maybe. so there’s nothing san really wants to cover. though if asked on a broadcast, he’d likely pull some public friendly title out of a hat and call it a day.

he knows it, in the way that he knows – deep down – that this wish will never really come true.

romantic.

san’s apartment looks practically sterile. like it jumped off the pages of an interior decorating pages, a spread devoted to minimalist trends and muted colors. he hadn’t been the one to decide it. his mother had hired someone when he’d first bought the place. it looks impersonal. barely lived in. probably because it is. the only piece he’d really cared about was his bed. a huge mattress, a mound of expensive blankets. he let her take the reigns with the rest. he doesn’t care. and at this point, he’s not sure how to project himself around a home. he’s not sure who he is if not san, golden boy of olympus. so his apartment remains stark. it doesn’t matter what holiday it is. there aren’t lights strung up. no tree shoved into a corner. no knick knacks or decorations. just a sleek couch and a lone, black and white print hanging on the wall opposite the flat screen. what does he care? all he does is sleep there. 

is it expected? if it’s not being filmed, then san would lean toward no. why would he get any of olympus a gift? he resents them all, really. so the truthful answer would be nothing. something dug out from the bottom of his backpack if forced, a half used pen. a stick of gum. a gift that seems passive aggressive at best. filmed, an it would be something half-assed with fake sentimentality tacked onto it. a pair of mitten bought at the first shop he walked into, along with a card ‘because your fingers are always getting cold~’ except, that would be bullshit. because san doesn’t pay attention to things like that. not with them. faked thoughtfulness, but it’s a trademark of olympus’ san at this point. they both know it. sungyeol wouldn’t expect anything less.

there’s only one person san wants to spend his christmas with. a reciprocated thing. but who else than jowi? forged family, by choice. a feeding of understood and unhealthy habits. but he feels like he needs that, that understanding. had felt lost before they’d met. before they’d twisted around each other and sunk, blissfully, deeper down into their own twisted idea of self-help. anchors. but that’s not how san views her. jowi’s a necessity. maybe it’s a time for romance, but san’s not so sure he believes in that. romance. sometimes it turns at his stomach. even his own definition of love is a largely mutated thing. so he’d pick jowi, of they both had the day off. and they’d get wasted. maybe they’d watch a christmas movie and stop reading the subtitles halfway through. maybe they’d drink more. but that’s what he would pick, the same way he’d only picked her when his birthday rolled around. sometimes it feels like she’s all he really has, when push comes to shove.