Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

I am finally back to being a student, a medicine student, rather. Waited for two years to enter medschool and here I am welcoming what is in store for me in two weeks. Alhamdulillah.

I may not have been enrolled in my dream school but the school I am in is prestigious enough and yeah, costly enough, which is why I have to triple my efforts cause we don’t waste our parents’ money, we are not that kind of kids.

Plus, I am with my partner slash bb boy in that school. He’s in his Medicine 2 so I am very proud despite we are not in the same batch, I am still happy. Hopefully I will survive this online classes (despite its cons and disadvantages, lets look for the positivity it brings for our dreams). FIngers crossed! In shaa Allah. 

My journey to get the MD starts today.

This is a story of my NMAT journey. My NMAT experience last October 27.

Before even deciding for medschool, I actually don’t want to pursue anymore. While I was reviewing for my licensure exam, I didn’t want to continue post grad studies kasi ramdam ko na yung pagod that time, the stress and restlessness. The weight of being an eldest child. At that time, I wished to have a decent work right after my examination if I passed.

And so I did, and after a few months of working, I realized I wanted to be more. I asked for guidance that if ever He still wants me to pursue in His name, to help the needy in terms of their health, I would be honored to be such tool of HIs Mercy. A sign--by passing the NMAT.

I started to gather review materials from friends who are now in medschool and some undergraduates before the NMAT season begins. I downloaded Sparknotes for Test II and practice materials for the Test I. Also bought a review book from Shoppee. The self study journey began. 

I reviewed myself for four months. On and off. I got lazy then I wasn’t. I got bored reading then I wasn’t. I lacked the motivation to study and then I wasn’t. Those were the turmoil I had to face--just the cycle of self-studying. I didn’t want to enrol in a review center cause I want to test myself if kaya ko ba, if kaya ng brain cells ko. And just a waste of my money when you can do it on your own. Just persevere and have patience in the seeds you plant by yourself.

During the phase of my review, I brought the materials to the pharmacy every duty, from monday to friday. The little time I spent reading some concept while on duty was already enough to add to my little stock knowledge too. And at night I practice and test myself with some questions. 

I wasted some time just like a normal person does who thinks that the doomsday is still months away until it wasn’t anymore. I remembered the schools I wanted to apply for. Para sa mataas na pangarap if kaya, I told myself. But then after assessing myself, I knew I couldn’t reach that particular score. I was a bit sad, knowing I should just get over it and give that dream up, of having a high score to enter my dream medschool. 

Didn’t understand some concepts, hated quantitative and everything connected to Math, loved chemistry albeit disappointed when I was answering the 50-itemed test. Really self. 

And so I continued to self-reviewed and prayed that whatever the results may be, at least I gave it a shot. Di ako uuwing may pagsisisi. 

The one-day exam came and I cladded into a comfortable decent outfit. It was a rainy sunday and forgot to bring a jacket to counter the cold surroundings and airconditioned room. I was a bit scared cause the exam would be like a trip to memory lane--back to those undergraduate subjects I flushed down in the toilet of my brain. Good lord, may it end well for me. Part I was a bit tricky and Part II in the afternoon was the realest part and also the part I don’t want to mess up any further. The tip I gave myself during the examination was to manage and balance the time. If you can beat against time without being complacent with the answers, then you’re good. That’s what I did. Why? Because the examination was a race between you and the allotted time. 

God has always been good. 

He still wants me to pursue in His Name. 

And as a tool of His Mercy to help the ummah in any way possible in this field.

After a month of waiting though not in vain, I got an 82 PR which was a surprise to my brain cells and to those months I reviewed while working. I even prayed kahit 40 PR na lang, okay na po. Couldn’t believe I could reach that high even just by self-studying! Wa ma tawfiqiy ilah biLLAH! And my success is only from Allah. Indeed! If you really want it, He will give it. If you chase for it, He will get you closer to it. 

Nothing beats diligence. Not even being an intelligent one. If the passion grows in you every day, it would water the dream to be a reality one day. In shaa Allah.

Congratulations, self! Fix your papers and yourself, medschool is not an amusement ride. 

Inspiration fuels the passion.

Inspiration in this context does not mean residing in the romance area of this blog but a certain situation ignited something in me.

It's already 9:53pm Philippine Standard Time and I should go to bed at this hour yet here I am typing the hope surging inside me since morning.

For the past months, I've been seeking a sign to pursue Medicine. Though I've already seen so many vivid signs from Him through prayers and gut feeling yet it's still different once you felt a fire in you when you watched a certain situation displayed before your eyes.

Early this morning, Alhamdulillaah for my racing with time, daily commute from Monday to Friday that I could witness the lives of strangers as they put on their straight face game, hiding the stress beneath those sullen eyes and sunken cheeks, as they close their eyes, trying to gain back the sleep they lost for waking early, as they hold on to the thin pole, with big bags on their lap, ready for the day. I am a keen observant and a loud thinker. I quietly observed them because I am one of them.

When I got into the second jeepney ride for work, a parent and his kid went after me and took a spot near the driver's back. My eyes caught the papers the father was holding. They looked like prescriptions and lab results or whichever it was—hospital papers. I immediately concluded they had just gone to a a nearby hospital, may be for a follow up check up or something. I kept on watching them, studying them. The kid was maybe a 10-year old young girl who looked like she was swept away by his dad to accompany him (cause she looked like she just woke up) and her clothes were straight up being worn at home too. His dad looked like a tired father who has been working for 10 years of his life in a labor company, or plainly as labor guy. Calloused hands, sunken cheeks, veined feet, dirty stubble. I observed as he fished out a 50pesos bill from his bean bag to give their pasahe.

The kid watched me while I watched them. My eyes travelled to the envelope she was holding. Her dad was clearly tired and looking sick. I felt sad. As I looked away and to the road, I felt so sad that some people still couldn't afford (this isn't a conclusion based on what I saw, not stereotyping patients who could and couldn't afford proper healthcare just because of physical observation but cmon, there ARE patients who couldn't afford even if you don't have to observe their statuses in the society), that there a still people who are in dire need of proper medical attention and must enjoy free healthcare services—especially the poor people, the people who couldn't harvest tree of money in exchange for better services from the medical professionals. They deserved to be treated equally as those who could afford the services easily.

It makes me want to do more. It fuels the passion in me to become a doctor with a cause, a doctor with a heart that goes to the public with equality. At that moment, I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that "Tay, pagaling po kayo." Kapag naging Doktor po ako, tutulungan ko po ang mga kagaya ninyo. I may already be a healthcare professional but I wanted to be more. Not for myself but for them. I even told myself no matter what you will be going through next year in medschool, no matter what the hardship you will be dwelling, no matter what the circumstances you will be facing, remember the situation this day, remember the father and his daughter's situation, remember how you observed them and the solution you wished to have. Do it for them, self. Do it for them, become a tool of His Mercy. One day, you will save a life.

Inn shaa Allaah.