#mecha th

So imagine Blurr and Jazz get into some boasting contest of who’s the better driver car combination. Blurr’s all like, “I’m a literal professional race car driver and Swerve is a powerhouse of speed.” While Jazz is like, “K but Prowl has the build of a pursuit vehicle, he’s literally built to chase down speeders like you. PLUS we got that connection.”

And Ratchet, hearing the beginnings of what will surely end in at least two or more idiots being injured, opts for the “proactive” approach.

“Hey Kid, mind if I take the wheel?”

Cut to everyone learning something new about Ratchet, and Drift learning something new about himself

Oh my god AHAHAHAH WAIT

Hear me out. Ratchet can drive fast and crazy as fuck. Deadlock can drive fast and crazy as fuck too. Remember that one panel where Deadlock is upset so he transforms into his vehicle mode to drive down the long ass stairs?? Instead of??fucking walking??

Blurr is fast but he’s careful. He would go around or avoid any obstacles.

Prowl is a bit more reckless but he’s also very respectful of earth laws and rules.

Deadlock and Ratchet? THEY DONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK~

Of course most of the time Ratchet would drive calmly and safely. But if he had a good reason to go fast? If he reeeaally needed to hurry? He would turn into a speed demon. And it will only become worse with Deadlock because Deadlock isn’t just a race car. He’s heavily armoured race car. Shielded by inches of Cybertronian metal plating. Deadlock could break walls without really slowing down.

Blurr and Jazz be busy manoeuvring and finding their way using human roads and streets and tunnels while Deadlock makes sure his human didn’t forget the seat belt and immediately fucks off through the nearest metal fence.

So while Blurr's driving like this:

And JP doing this:

Deadlock and Ratchet are like:

Like, the bot getting so confused about why humans find some of the bots cool/attractive looking and not others because it doesnt fall along ANY of their usual lines of whats attractive vs whats not.

Ah~ That would mean that Earth mechs are not conventionally attractive AT ALL. Like Jazz’s mech is black and white and ROUND instead of cubic! Ridiculous! Alien!

He would get points for his shoulders and for being big though.

Oh man….imagine

Jazz: Your face is pretty;)

Prowl: My….wha?

Jazz: Face…why are you looking at me like that?

Prowl: It’s just uh. In our culture not everyone have faces. And a lot of mechs share the same face. So faces aren’t really taken in consideration when we make compliments.

Jazz: Hang on. What??

Prowl: Do humans think that faces are pretty?

Jazz: YEAH? It’s kinda one of the most important parts. We even evaluate the individual parts of our faces. Like eyes and noses and stuff.

Prowl: Oooooh. So..do I somehow have a..face..that humans consider good looking?

Jazz: Yep. You got really nice cheek bones. I mean you don’t have bones but if you were a human your bones would…uh…..would be showing..in the nice…place…..do I sound crazy

Prowl: I don’t understand but I’m flattered?

Jazz: Goddamit dating an alien is fucking confusing.

———————

Jazz: *Takes off his suit and shirt for the first time for whatever plot reason.*

Prowl: * staring*

Jazz: Like what you see?~

Prowl: I think? I find it interesting that your face is the same colour as your body.

Jazz: Oh :/

Prowl: I have a feeling I fucked up some kind of human ritual……….did I??

Jazz: Nah it’s fine. I was just flirting.

Prowl: Do humans consider removing their clothes as flirtatious?

Jazz: In the right context. Yeah very much. I guess you guys don’t do that huh.

Prowl: We don’t have any clothes to remove. *tries to save the mood* But I would love to see you without yours.

Jazz: ooKAY LETS TALK WEATHER NOW

Bonus

Prowl: Are you painted just one color? Entirely?

Jazz: I mean. Besides my hair. Oh and those *shows his palms*

Prowl: Wooah…inner sides of your servos are different color! I never.. We usually have this part being different from digits.

Jazz: Like fingerless gloves but metal. Yeah I saw.

Prowl: But you have the entire palm being different color. *pokes very gently with his giant finger* It looks very pretty.

Jazz: Thank you:D My legs are the same.

Prowl: *immediately goes to grab his leg with two fingers*

Jazz: Hang on I need to take off my boots…There.

Prowl: Incredible.

Bonus bonus

Jazz: That waistline should be fucking illegal to have

Prowl: What?

Jazz is a human pilot of an Evangelion-type mech who anime-adventured too close to the sun and accidentally teleported himself (with his mech) to an unknown and very dangerous part of space.

Prowl is a Cybertronian. And one day he meets this very weird but funny guy that looks (and talks) nothing like any kind of mechanical form of life known to Prowl.

Jazz, Prowl, and Swerve arrive on earth and meet Ratchet and find that this random ass Decepticon has been living on Earth for god knows how long and are just "How the hell did you even GET HERE???"

And then there's TexAid who haven't had ANY Cybertronian shenanigans yet so First Aid is just like "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE GIANT ALIEN ROBOTS??? I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH A GHOST THIS WHOLE TIME!!" So everyone else has to deal with the fact Ghosts exist apparently.

AHAHAHAHAHHA HELP

First aid: ALIVE ROBOTS ARE REAL???

Cybertronians: You're literally sitting inside one..no?

First aid: nonono Vortex isn't robot, he's a ghost

Cybertronians: GHOSTS ARE REAL????

Deadlock staring at Prowl: The fuck you look like that?

Prowl: I scanned a Mecha. So I'm Mecha now.

Deadlock: Oh shit for real?? With lil human holder place and everything?

Prowl: Yes. It allows Jazz to...assist and control my movements in battle.

Deadlock: WAS THAT AN OPTION THIS WHOLE TIME???

Swerve: Ratchet. Ratch I love you but what do you mean the whole time we've been working together you had the ENTIRE DECEPTICON LIVING IN YOUR GARAGE??

Ratchet: AND YOU'VE BEEN AN ALIEN ROBOT THIS WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME??

Swerve: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ALRIGHT??

- “Oh Prowl found a really weird foreign guy and brought him back to base? Okay that’s his choice so whatever.”

- “Hey this guy is actually super weird? Like. Veering into deeply unsettling uncanny valley territory. He’s. . . very friendly. Especially to Prowl.”

- “Oh frag he’s dangerous.”

- “Okay. Okay! Super-deadly-crazy-foreign-guy apparently:

A) Does not feel pain.

B) Does not drink energon.

C) Is getting very familiar with our lead tactical officer. Is nobody concerned about that security risk? No?

Cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcoolcool.”

- “HE’S A WHAT?!”

- “Dear Primus it’s an organic. It’s an organic alien that - it’s - it’s a corpse. It’s controlling a lifeless mech from the inside.”

- “WHY IS PROWL LETTING IT CRAWL ALL OVER HIM??”

- “Either Prowl has finally cracked under the pressure of the war or that thing has infected his processor with something.”

- “Wait.”

- “Can it do that?”

- “Oh Primus it showed up in a hollowed out body what if that’s what it does?”

- “Okay. Okay! Prowl is cold and calculating. He is absolutely just letting the thing crawl on him so he always knows exactly where it is. He’s in control. It’s just, creature management. It’s not like he-“

- “OH HE IS VERY FRAGGING EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS ORGANIC. PROWL IS BROKEN. ITS MAKING HIM GIDDY. PROWL IS NOT GIDDY. THE ORGANIC FRAGGED UP HIS PROCESSOR THAT IS THE ONLY WAY WHAT I’M SEEING CAN BE REAL.”

- “Prowl and the organic still haven’t returned from that mission. I wonder if- oh! There’s Prowl but no “Jazz”. Ah, must have perished. At now it can go back to normal. Prowl looks off. Why does he. . . He’s moving weird why is he-“

- “NO. NO. SLAG OFF. HE DID NOT. HE DID NOT LET THAT THING CRAWL INTO HIS CHEST.”

- “I’m gonna be sick.”

- “The organic has eaten Prowls processor and stolen his body.”

Sometime later.

- “Prowl was hypnotized into going to earth. Where he got experimented on and nearly died.”

-“Swerve has lost his mind insisting he was living as one of those things for years.”

-“Aaaaand Deadlock has been reduced to a doting pet.”

- “Vindicated.”

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE

YEP. YEP YOU ARE 100% CORRECT HERE

Prowl: Lets Jazz crawl inside him and take control over his body.

Red Alert and probably every other Cybertronian:

Although..I think Swerve's reaction would be something like "Wait IS THAT AN OPTION??"

Jazz: Yeah so we discovered that Prowl can in fact scan a mech and then transform himself into it. And be perfectly pilotable.

Swerve's infected with anime and tv shows geeky ass:

After a few days of being stranded in space and doing physical activity, I can only imagine what kind of football locker room nightmare Jazz’s cockpit must smell like. Dude needs a shower bad and I doubt the mecha program packed any soap with his emergency rations.

The good news is Jazz would most likely be the only one bothered by that. Body Oder only smells unpleasant to us because that’s our brains way of telling us to stay away from something hazardous to our health, like disease or spoiled food.

So to Prowl or other Cybertronians, Jazz just generally smells strongly of organic material. Something largely neutral, akin to if you met someone who really smells like penny’s for whatever reason.

So what would smell “bad” to a cybertronian?

Probably things analogous to festering wounds or tainted body fluids. Rust is likely at the top of the list followed by stuff like soldering fumes, paint stripper, dirty oil and burning coolant.

In conclusion, Jazz smells fine, but Ratchet smells like ASS.

Deadlock, holding up Ratchet: “Stinky.”

Ratchet: “Put me down.”

Deadlock, swaying him back and forth through the air: “Stinky bastard man.”

Ratchet: “Put me down or so help me god I will make you meet him.”

LMAO

Oh. Yep. I haven't thought about that before hahahajyjgkgod

Jazz: So..what do you guys do when you want to show your love?

Prowl: EM fields?

Jazz: Ah..

Prowl: What do humans do?

Jazz: Come closer I'll show you a lil thing

Prowl: Leans closer curious

Jazz: Chu❤

“Swindle, First Aid is Vortex’s boyfriend.”

“What, you mean they used to date? Like in highschool?”

“No.”

Later, Swindle updates Blast Off and Brawl.

“Offy, remember that betting pool we had? The one where we were betting on who’d get a partner first? Tell Brawl he won.”

“What?! How? Brawl bet Vortex would bag someone first. And I’m pretty fuckin’ sure he meant literally.”

“Nope. Vortex found a freak.”

“But he’s dead?”

“He found a freak.”

“He’s stuck in a fucking mecha?”

“He found a freak.”

“HE BIT AN ALIENS HEAD OFF?!?”

“That was the boyfriend actually.”

“Oh my god he found a freak.