#meanders

Meandership: A relationship type in which meandery interactions are the main form of intimacy. Can be used in roughly the same way you'd use the terms "polycule" or "sexual relationship" or "QPR".

Meanderspace: A social space in which meandery interactions can be freely sought out and performed without judgement and with the consent of all parties. Analogous to a kink dungeon but yk, different paradigm.

Most relationships I enter turn out as meanderships in one way or another. The Children of the Antlered Doe, from my novel in progress of the same name, are technically a meanderspace as much as they are a religious order, probably because my ideal meanderspace would take the form of a religious order.

This is a very sex-centric article, which is a weakness of first wave rolequeer theory in general, but it's worth dissecting to explore how it could apply to meandering.

There's also a third discussion that I feel goes alongside the first wave rolequeer discussion of erotically experiencing resistance and liberation, and that is the idea of using leader/follower roles to unify two+ minds and bodies in a way that goes deeper than sex, bringing two+ wills into alignment in a way that causes any concept of dominance and submission to become completely irrelevant and supplants them with total cooperation. That's the goal of meandery power exchange — the nonsexual, but erotic, experience of Working Together.

(anti as in antihero, not as in antiship)

One of the reasons conventional kink isn't a safe environment for me is that my brain doesn't do well with sadism. Like I said in my definition post, I don't like being mean and I don't like when people are mean to me. For someone who does like including some elements of discomfort and challenge in my meandering, it's difficult to thread the needle.

This is one of those things that my partner and I have in common, that we never knew we had in common because until now I never had a way to talk about it.

We first made the connection after watching Project Hail Mary and realizing that the scene where Grace is put in a coma and sent into space hits a very specific button for both of us — the idea of someone being put through an inherently scary, painful, and uncomfortable situation by a person who is not even pretending they want to hurt them.

When I talked to my partner @endlessartificer about this, he mentioned having a fixation on the idea of resetting broken bones — it's never a painless experience, but you would hope the person doing it won't cause you too much unnecessary pain in the process. A lot of medical kink is like this, actually, and I've warmed to it for this reason even though it's not my main thing. (My main thing is turning the concept of power exchange upside down and shaking it to see what comes out of its pockets.) The element of discomfort comes from the situation itself, not the person who's present with you as you move through it. (Incidentally, @sigynpenniman if you have medical kink specific commentary to add to this post, I'd love to hear it, as it's not really my area.)

This can be a very non-hierarchical way to play with pain and discomfort. Conventional sadomasochism, as the name implies, requires a sadist and a masochist — a doer and a done-to. Antisadist play, even if it does involve one party taking a more active role relative to another, positions both parties as co-experiencers. It centers the intimacy of going through a difficult or painful experience together and the trust that comes from knowing the experience will not be made worse than it needs to be.

My partner and I were taking turns reading chapters of my fanfic to each other, and during the chapters he was reading, one of the other hosts of his system (to protect this system member's identity, as he is a fictive from a piece of indie media whose creator is on tumblr and known to term search, I'm going to refer to him as Wabbit) was using it as an informal elocution lesson. Whenever he would stumble or delete a word or insert one that wasn't there, Wabbit would have him start the paragraph over and read it more closely. No punishment for stumbling, no shame in fucking up, just the natural consequence of "okay, start this bit over."

I was a participant in this, but my role was more peripheral (which I don't mind, in this case) — I'd point out mistakes that Wabbit didn't catch, and offer encouragement when it was needed.

because like. the way my brain works is not compatible with the idea of A Scene. Which, like, I know people bring up how it's not any different from like theater or pro wrestling or whatever but listen to me. The people you act in a play with, the people you LARP with, the people on your wrestling circuit, those people are your coworkers. At best they're your hobby buddies. I cannot do that thing where I feel a certain way about someone I love and intend to spend the rest of my life with for the duration of a scene and then go back to feeling the other way about them after. I'd just end up resenting them.

But I say that and people are like "What you want is a TPE" "You should look into being in a TPE" "OP, have you heard about this thing called a TPE?"

Yes, and it was the most miserable experience of my life. I never want to do that again.

Inspiration is an auxiliary (but not submissive) headspace defined by feelings of lucid awareness, empowered security, loving attachment, and encouragement to action.

In Inspiration, a person feels safe in their position under the leadership of another, while also feeling able to act on their own with assurance that any trouble they may face in the course of doing so will be handled gently and without shame or punishment. A person experiencing Inspiration may also feel more focused and task-driven, especially if their Inspiration has a service-oriented component.

Adoration is an authoritative (but not dominant) headspace defined by feelings of responsibility, pride, protectiveness, and the desire to watch someone become more of themself.