#mayward

JJ: They're golden retrievers. They retrieve gold. I did this for us!

Another messy drawing because I've listened to this song a LOT thinking about them, and I needed to take it out of my brain.

I think this group just suits JJ's mood so much when he's high and comfy with Pope in the hammock. (They always end up kissing)

Not really touching on Rafe’s mental issues, you can tell that Ward’s opinion of him really matters especially in the first season. And I feel like a lot of that steams from needing Ward’s approval and never really getting it. And THAT stems deeper from how Ward’s main avenue for abuse is clearly verbal abuse and neglect as a result. He would never really hit Rafe bc if he showed up with bruises at the next banquet, that would make Ward look bad. Regardless bc Ward chooses to verbally abuse Rafe, berate him and disregard him when he’s actively asking for help, he creates someone who questions their own ACTIONS. We constantly see Rafe talking abt how he’s “fucked something up” and yeah admittedly he shouldn’t be doing half the shit that he’s doing. And I’m not excusing his actions. But I think this is a result of a BOY who needs help and was ignored still trying to get his dad’s approval that he’ll never get.

And where I’m going with the difference of characterization here is that Rafe thinks he’s always wrong. In the sense that he’s always making the wrong decision, can never do anything right, “needs assistance constantly”, and is overall useless. AND THAT IS BC OF WARDS WORDS. JJ on the other hand thinks he as a person if fundamentally bad.

Bc Luke hits JJ with a side of verbal abuse he internalizes it differently. Bc ppls brains are wired to protect them, I think JJ’s brain has blocked out some of the worse beatings. But not necessarily the words. And I think the words hurt more than the beatings but even the words Luke uses are different. He’s not attacking JJ’s actions, he’s attacking him as a person. And even if he’s attacking his actions it’s always “you’re dumb” and not “what you did was dumb”. Calling him a “piece of shit” etc. He’s curating this thought that JJ is a bad person somehow and by extension it subconsciously makes JJ think he DESERVES the beatings. Bc eventually the bruises will fade but the words are still there. And that could lead to the reason JJ does such outlandish impulsive things. Bc in his head he’s already bad so how much worse can he really get? Ppl are going to leave him anyways right? He might as well speed up the process, it’ll hurt less that way. Like can’t really get any worse if he’s already been living at rock bottom.

AND THAT helps me move to my next characterization. Rafe fundamentally believes he’s weak bc of his abuse and will submit to Ward bc of that. And I think he does a lot of the crazy shit he does to prove to himself and Ward that he’s not weak. While JJ never thinks he’s weak bc he can take the punches and the kicks and the hitting. But he thinks he’s bad fundamentally where Rafe doesn’t think he’s bad just useless.

And I personally think this affects their close relationships a lot. Like ofc the abuse affects how they act in their close relationships. But I mean these specific characterizations.

Like we all know the “JJ doesn’t think he deserves Pope/to be with him bc he’s bad/ will never amount to anything in his head and thinks Pope deserves better”. And I think he does think that but they get through it. I think what’s worse and more heartbreaking for Pope is the little shit. Like JJ actively choosing not to eat as much food bc he doesn’t think he deserves it. Or JJ asks why Pope said he loves him bc “he didn’t do anything to deserve it” (when JJ says that the first time Pope almost sob cries bc of how sad that implication makes him). Or even JJ trying to ignore his birthday bc “he doesn’t deserve it this year after what he’s done”. And that just leads to Pope, all the Pogues and the Heyward’s (bc it’ll be a cold day in hell before Mama Heyward lets JJ continue to be malnourished) actively working to deprogram JJ.

With Rafe it’s soooo different than Barry expected. He knows abt the abuse from Ward (bc Rafe told him abt anything he didn’t already see) but he hasn’t seen Rafe with it. Like once they are dating and both finally relax around each other Barry starts to pick up on little things. Like how Rafe says “sorry” way too fucking much. Like if he thinks he’s breathing too loud he’ll say sorry and then hold his breath. Barry shuts the sorry shit down immediately. Unless Rafe actually does something that Barry warrants a sorry he’s not allowed to say it. (He would leave it to Rafe’s discretion but he believes him breathing is wrong half the damn time.) Rafe’s real quiet bc he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing or annoy Barry. Rafe also tries to prove that he’s useful and worth keeping around by cleaning. To say Barry shuts that shit down too is an understatement. Not only does he constantly reiterate that he wants Rafe to talk he is constantly asking him shit to get him to talk. He helps Rafe with cleaning and makes him create a schedule so it’s not like he’s cleaning when he’s feeling useless bc that makes his brain think he’s earning his keep.