#maybeiamcrazy

#MaybeIamCrazy (at The Mustang Bar)

Playing around with Josefo #cats #imnotthecrazycatlady #maybeiamcrazy (en San Carlos, Uruguay)

I'm so fed up. Like seriously, I want so bad to quit. On everyone. On everything. Everytime I get on Facebook, it's the same thing over and over. Person A is getting drunk again tonight (for like, the third time this week). Person B just got their heart broken for like, the second time this month (how is that even possible?). Person C just got back together with their cheating spouse for the bazillionth time. I mean, really I have no place to talk. All my statuses usually revolve around my daughter, and usually I am not this much of a judgemental cunt, but it seems like my life and everyone else's has become an unstoppable pattern of the same fucking shit all the time. Would it be wrong of me to assume that Person A will eventually die of cirrhosis of the liver? Or Person B will do anything for attention from the opposite sex because they somehow can't figure out how to be alone? Or Person C will land up catching an incurable STD? I am sick of everything and so mad at nothing all at the same time, if that makes any sense? What gets me angry the most... Seeing everyone else's issues and being able to solve their problems, but not being able to solve my own. I am just so depressed. I mean, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love our life.... I just can't shake this overwhelming sense of guilt and failure and resentment I have because of the way life panned out for everyone else that I love. I have one brother who's worked so hard for every little thing he has and survived some really harsh shit being accused of rape, or molestation (depending on what version of the story the "victim" tells you), another brother who was brought up by an alcoholic mother who turned to drugs and introduced him to heroin being falsely accused of child abuse (or "torture" according to the fucking newspaper that likes to juice everything up), and a mother who can't seem to pull her life together. I think of these things, and I try to remind myself that I am not responsible for everything that has gone wrong but I somehow feel as if I had control of all of these situations and I dropped the ball. After all, couldn't I have spotted the signs early on in the early stages of my mom's depression that she was going to become addicted to alcohol if she continued to drink everyday? But if she drank, I got to do whatever I wanted... A freedom I had never known before, so I selfishly let her drink herself into alcoholism. If I hadn't have moved from my (now alcohol and drug addicted) mother's house, couldn't I have been there to protect my little brother? I can't feel responsible for what my older brother is going through, because there is no way I could prevent what's happening to him, but it's hard when his accuser is ( or should I say, was) a very close friend for many, many years. I hate that this is all happening around me. And now that everyone is at their lowest I can't face them. I can't see them suffering. I can't. All this guilt that weighs on me so heavily is consuming me. It's devouring my life. It's drawing out the worst in me. Compile that with my weight complex, and my workless/schooless life, and you've got yourself the perfect storm. There's days where all I can do is pray to God over and over again, thanking him for my daughter because with out her, I think I would have already lost my mind. It's safe to say I would not be half as functionable as I am now. She is what keeps me grounded. Without her, I have nothing to Iive for. Only my best friend and my old councillor know this, but after all of the childhood trauma that I've received, I'm very highly prone to depression which makes me highly suicidal. I've only ever come really close to killing myself once and I landed up having to see a shrink three times a week. I fell behind in school, and I lost my half-day senior status and almost didn't even graduate. I feel if I didn't have my daughter to keep me grounded, maybe I could find myself in that very dark place again soon. That's why, as of Monday, I am going to find myself a councilor up here. I don't want to have my poor mental health consuming my life. And oh, how it will. Sorry if this post is all over the place and disorganized. I had a lot of anxiety and anger pent up when I started and no clear channel for it, and this mess of a post materialized into what it is now. Let's call it raw emotion.

#maybeIamcrazy