#maybebang

Fridge Analysis

John,

I'm dating this guy. He’s a pilot for a major airline in his 40’s. We have a great time together, and he’s funny. One concern though is he lives on a boat. I’ve dated enough over the years that I know I like him, but I don’t want to invest time in the wrong one.

What do you think?

-Jessica

Stonehill Analysis

Jessica, to sail around the British Virgin Islands: super hot. To live on the Hudson River: super not.

This fridge doesn’t need a lot of analysis because it clearly tells us what kind of lifestyle he’s living and that’s more the focus here.

Before we dive in, lets touch on a few fridge details first…

His fridge is smaller than Webster.

He drinks beer. Which is a given, as you need to blow at least a .1 to get your boating license.

He’s got champers, which goes with the whole experience: sail out to NY Harbor, pop the cork and it’s closing time. I give Captain credit; it’s an awesome move. It’s just more awesome if he didn’t live on it.

He’s got NOS Blast and organic eggs. He cares about health and with his uniform on, I bet he’s a stud. Both positives on the dating front. Plus, he can make you breakfast without having to cross the West Side Highway. Which will seriously suck come winter time.

What’s up with the duck? (Fine, a swan) Are you trying to paint a pretty picture here? Yes, it’s beautiful for a marine bird, but not for a method of storing sustenance. (And I hear Swans are the evilest of bitches)

Now, when it comes to dating, what does all this mean?

Skipper is not settled in life. Lets face it: a boat is like a mobile home for WASPs.

It also says he’s a dreamer. Which can be good if his dreams are also your dreams. And his dreams are attainable.

The problem I’ve seen with guys living on boats is their dreams don’t mesh with building a life with someone. Like sailing around the world on 5 bucks, or sailing to Key West, opening a bar and having daily tag-teams with Jimmy Buffet.

Dreams are great, but they have to be realistic. And dreams are not the same as hope. Andy Duphrane wanted to get out of Shawkshank and get to Mexico. Not the moon.

It’s key to talk dreams and goals with Skip. Can I hear him saying, holy crap, it’s been 2 months and she already wants to talk future? Duh.

But who gives a shit. The dude’s in his 40’s living on a boat. This brings on such conversation from any levelheaded woman. You want to be like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused, go chase high school girls.

He needs to be probed. (Not Cartman style, but you know what I mean). If he doesn’t like it, move into a home that doesn’t float. If what he says makes sense, and there’s a true connection, explore it. But be sure as you move forward, his actions match his words.

If you don’t see a future, jump ship. If he’s hot, shag him, then jump ship. Though never forget, time spent with him is time away from your future husband.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 9 That’s what this guy does. That’s the perk. He’s on a boat with champagne and billion dollar views. The guy closes more than 47th Street on Yom Kippur.

Marry: 1.5 The only place this guy would be less likely to settle down is jail. As if a boat wasn’t mobile enough, he works on a plane.

You’re a career woman: though it’s fun to dream about, you’re not sailing off into the sunset anytime soon with this guy. And unless he’s been smuggling drugs, he can’t afford to retire in his 40’s anyway.

Boil your Bunny: 6 There are a couple of red flags here. No one can hear you scream from a boat. And I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know boats are used to dispose of bodies.

Fridge Analysis

Hey Stonehill,

Here's my fridge. What'ya think???

-Mindy

Stonehill Analysis

Mindy, your fridge reminds me of a line in The 40 Year Old Virgin when Andy asks Jay if he’s good looking and Jay tells him, he’s a good-looking cat, but you can’t see it. Same with your fridge.

You’ve got some great stuff going on here. But at first glance, you might think, “wow…this fridge is a shithole”. Because, frankly, it is. And I’m saying this cause you truly are a cool cat, which I’m going to get to in a minute. You’re just not letting others see it.

So lets get the constructive criticism out of the way first…

For starters, your fridge is a mess. There’s no organization, and that schmutz on the bottom looks like it’s been there long enough to pay rent. Your frozen fruits are falling off the shelves, and your frozen veggies are making a run for it. I see stuff in there that dates back to the Bush Administration.

The egg carton looks like it’s crashing your fridge roof-rave, and god invented Tupperware for a reason. I’m impressed that you cook, but pots are meant to live in ovens, not fridges.

Unfortunately, this fridge gives off the wackypack vibe. You might not be, but it’s important to know that’s the vibe you’re giving off. Single woman + fridge pigsty + cat is stereotyped for a reason.

That all said, you got some great attributes and I want them to shine...

First off, you fulfill the classic formula passed down from father to son: healthy diet + exercise = 1 saucy set.

You’d downing tons of fruits and veggies and with the MyoFusion and protein, you’re clearly exercising. Plus, you have other supplements, from Brew Dr. Kombucha to Real Food Organic, that all do your body good.

I also like that you’re clever and resourceful. You make you’re own yogurt, wine and cheese. If you didn’t have electricity, you’d be a sexy Amish.

You’re even a survivalist. You have enough shit on hand to chill when the big one hits, plus frozen veggies to make a seriously mean salsa.

And you got the little things. I love that you have real maple syrup. It blows away corn syrup-based crap and fixing pancakes for a lucky dude on Sunday morning is what weekends are made of. Per your 10 milks and creamer, you’re also ready to wake him to the smell of fresh brewed coffee.

I can go on, but you get my point. You got killer stuff in here, but it’s getting lost. Like a shitty forest drowning out some awesome trees. It’s a no-brainer you’re hot, but that’s only enough for the short team. For the long haul, we don’t marry crazy. We just bang them.

Now, the goods news is it’s easy to change. Here are some suggestions: • Stop hoarding and throw shit out. • Organize. If it can’t fit in your fridge, get rid of it. Or better yet, have a get-together at your house and serve it. • Clean. Wipe down the shelves, mop the floor and find a better home for what’s atop the fridge. • Focus. You have so much going on in your life, which is great. (And if we can’t find happiness on our own, we won’t with anyone else) But my concern is when I see a single’s fridge packed to the brim, they don’t have room in their life for anyone else. • Go out. I love that you’re eating half a health-food store. But when single, you have to get out and meet people. With a fridge this packed, you might have too many meals at home. That’s a good start. We all have shit to work on and no one’s perfect.

Though it’s annoying, life can be a game. And we all have to play it. So put your best foot forward. You’ll be like Ally Sheedy at the end of The Breakfast Club. With a little makeover, we’ll be like, holy crap, this Mindy’s awesome.

Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)

Shag on first date: 8 I don’t think I can come up with a better line than, “Would you like to try my homemade wine?” If that doesn’t grease the rails to Saucy Town, the shots of Fireball sure will.

Marry: 5.5 I see a lady with a ton of potential. You take care of yourself, have personality and you’re clever + resourceful.

My concern is that chaos in one’s fridge usually means chaos in one’s life. I think you can get there, you just has to work on a few things. (Starting with losing the generic ketchup. Any respectable wife buys Heinz ☺)

Fridge Analysis

While in the UK, I met with Vicky, the online editor of TNT Magazine, who wanted to know what her fridge revealed about her dating life.

In one word, plenty...

Stonehill Analysis

When we hit it off with members of the opposite sex, there are two roads it can lead: Saucy Town and the Friendship Tip.

As we’ve all visited both camps, we all know that both have led to wonderful relationships. Yes, When Harry Met Sally is one of my all-time fave flicks, but I truly believe men and women can be friends.

I make this point as we’ll be friends with a much higher percentage of people we meet than those we get intimate with. When I look at Vicky’s fridge, if we were both single, that’s what I see…us as bosom buddies, but nothing more.

Why? It’s a good bet she’s a vegetarian whereas I don’t think I’ve had a meal in my life that didn’t have one ingredient that was once living. Dating is a team sport and compromise is required on many fronts in all relationships, but there are certain eating habits that are hard to mesh.

Pescatarian and carnivore, yes. Vegetarian and the opposite of vegetarian, very tough.

Now, diving into Vicky’s fridge lets see what we can learn and map out a good match for her…

1. She has starter fridge

So there’s a good chance she’s starting out, or at least in the early part of career. I say starter fridge, as it’s a counter model that doesn’t reach much higher than my kneecap.

As I assume Vicky is in the early part of her career, she’s probably in her 20’s. Thus, a dude in his 20’s or early 30’s would be a good match. (Unless she’s got daddy issues, then we can expand to a Downton Abby age differential, but that’s not the vibe I get)

2. Geographically desirable?

Sometimes it’s fun to find geo-hints of where a fridge owner lives. For Vicky, it’s obvious she lives in the UK. She’s got a Union Jack holding her strawberries, and as Britain is neither known as the spinach capital of the world, nor a place known for exporting Popeye’s favorite snack, her ‘British Spinach’ cements she’s in the motherland.

Every day, love does conquer all. It’s what movies are made of. But life’s not a movie and most successful relationships have the odds in their favor. I bring this up as the odds are Vicky will end up with a dude living in the UK as well. Long distance relationship can and do work, it’s just a tougher road.

3. Something’s cookin’

I see signs Vicky is a bit of a foodie, and likes to cook. A good match doesn’t need to equal her culinary skills, but he does need to appreciate them. I never met a chef who enjoyed cooking for an unappreciated customer. Vicky has sundried tomatoes, not an item normally served on its own, and more often an ingredient.

She also has Madras paste along with Sweet Chutney, both primarily building blocks to a tasty dish. A great Vicky dating move would invite him over for dinner, he brings the wine, and Vicky makes the meal. There’s a reason we see this in endless romantic comedies…cause it works.

Now Vicky either bakes or loves breakfast, because if she had any more eggs, she’d be running a B&B. With the vat of margarine, the chances she bakes goes up. I love ladies who bake, it’s a nurturing quality, and as we all know, the best path to a man’s heart is through his stomach. (If you don’t know the 2nd best path, email me)

4. Hectic schedule

Vicky’s life seems to be a bit chaotic at the moment. Her fridge is by no means a disaster, and I don’t get the wackypack vibe from her, but it is a tad messy. That, along with that schmutz collecting on the bottom tells me she’s not a neatfreak and her schedule has been demanding lately.

As Vicky is busy building a career, a good match for her will have to be supportive of that. And of course, not a dude who’s immaculate.

5. Well-Rounded

Everything in moderation and Vicky is the epitome of this.

She truly is a diverse chica that doesn’t like to be pigeonholed…plenty of healthy food for a foxy figure and some fun junk food to blow off some steam.

As mom taught us, a healthy diet + exercise = 1 bodacious body.

Vicy’s got spinach, Soy milk, OJ (also good for when guys are over, we love OJ), fruits and veggies. If you can’t put your best foot forward when you’re single, you’ll probably look even worse when you’re married. Vicky is clearly making an effort.

I also like to see she has some date-ready items. To assist her hosting duties, she has salsa, which is great to throw out with some chips, and pizza in case she and her dude have a case of the late night munchies.

Plus, she has milk…if it’s to brew coffee in the morning, that’s another smart move. Smell is the most under-rated of the 5 senses on the dating front. To wake up your date with the smell of breakfast and fresh brewed coffee is killer. Vicky has all the tools to do so.

Final Thoughts

Nothing is 100% right and wrong when it comes to dating. (Unless we’re talking Oscar Pictorious, of course) Just what’s right and wrong for us.

Vicky clearly has a lot going for her, the question is who’s the best fit?

One thing to note is I don’t see any booze. It might be kept elsewhere, but if you don’t drink, that’ll impact your dating as most dates revolve around eating and drinking.

It also appears Vicky has a cat. Personally, I don’t mind them the way some people do. She obviously won’t be a good fit with a cat-hater and overall, it’s important that she’s not the type who loves her pet more than her partner.

Overall, I get the vibe that Vicky is fun, with a sprinkle of cool, loving, nurturing and sassy, with just the right dash of crazy mixed in.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 4.5 Any girl who has zero booze in her fridge has a less than average shot of shagging on the 1st date. This is not a positive or negative, it’s just booze has greased the rails to many memorable mistakes for generations.

Marry: 7 She has qualities that are great for a life partner. She cooks and bakes, which shows a nurturing quality and a sense of domestication. She also has some fun shareable food in there, and can play host, another positive.

Personally, I’d like to see some booze and beef in there, but as they said in Some Like it Hot, nobdy’s perfect ☺.

Fridge Analysis

Dear Stonehill,

Obsessed with your blog! What do you think of yours truly?

-Kerry

Stonehill Analysis

Lets face it…we’re all dating detectives. Some of us might judge a date by their shoes. Or their car. Or the books on their shelves. I find our fridge to be the most revealing.

Now, whatever method we choose, we need something to judge in the first place. If you judge your date by the clothes they wear, well, you need to see their clothes. It’s great if they’re naked, but a challenge if wardrobe evaluation is your thing.

I bring this up as I chose to analyze a fridge today that doesn’t give us much to work with. The owner is a woman, but we’re flying in the fog here. It’d be great if Rudolph popped in with his shiny nose to light up all the fridge contents, but Rudolph is on vaca this time of year, so we’re on our own.

And this happens to be part of life. In whatever we’re doing, we don’t always have all the info we’d like. So I thought it’d be a fun exercise to analyze what we can with only a few decipherable products.

Here’s what we know:

• The fridge has digital temperature readouts and humidity control veggie drawers. This puts her fridge above average in cost, and thus, a strong clue that her income is above average as well.

• She has a pot of leftovers in her fridge rather than putting her leftovers in Tupperware. This tells me that she’s not a neat freak, having a crazy week, or a tad lazy. Her fridge is not a mess, but it’s not organized either, so I have to assume other areas of her life are the same way. Her fridge does look clean though, so I have to assume she’s good on the hygiene front.

• She has Imperial Margarine, which tells me she’s Canadian. Holy shit Stonehill, how do you know this? Just a bit of homework. Imperial is a brand owned by Unilever and distributed in Canada, not the US.

• She has Adams Natural Peanut Butter. It’s owned by Smuckers, but it does show she’s a bit of a foodie. She has to refrigerate her peanut butter and stir it before eating, something only foodies would be willing to do.

• She has Tropicana Orange Juice. This is I like to see as it’s one of my favorite brands. It’s not from concentrate, tastes delish and stays fresh far longer than fresh squeezed. It’s also more expensive than most brands (outside of fresh squeezed), and one more clue on the income front.

• She has a stealthy stash of eggs, reinforcing that Kerry is big on Breakfast. As I don’t see other ingredients for baking or a stash of ground chuck for meatloaf, eggs for a breakfast dish is a logical conclusion.

• Kerry cooks. This one’s a layup, as she has a pot full of some mystery dish. When it comes down to it, you don’t really save much cooking if it’s only for 1 or 2 peeps. From the healthy stash of condiments, she dines on takeout too, but I get the feeling she cooks for more than just budgetary reasons.

That’s really all we got. The pic pixilates when I try to zoom in for other details. Which brings us to…

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: NA This is a 1st for me, but as I’m unable to see so many pieces of this fridge, it’s hard for me to gauge her on the shagability front

I don’t see a ton of junk food here, but I can’t really decipher any healthy food either. Whatever shape this girl is in, what’s most important is how comfortable she is with her own body.

I also don’t see booze. She’s Canadian and with those winters, a cozy pub with a drink in your hand sounds pretty awesome. If she has alcohol, it can help nudge her to some naughtiness, but it's a mystery.

Marry: NA Again, it’s tough to tell. I do like the fact she has a productive career, and no one loves a fresh home cooked meal more than me. But I can't see enough on the health and lifestyle fronts. 1 key to a successful marriage to continue putting your best foot forward (and not take your partner for granted), but I don't have enough clues here.

Fridge Analysis

Dear Stonehill,

I’m newly single and starting to date again. I only over-think, like everything, so be gentle. What does my Fridge say about me? I want to put my best foot forward.

-Robin

Stonehill Analysis

Robin, first off, you have really nice melons, but we’ll get into that later. Second, never change your fridge for a guy. He’s going to figure out who you are sooner or later, so don’t waste time trying to impress him. You have no idea what he’s looking for anyway and if he doesn’t dig you being you, he can piss off.

That said, here’s what your Fridge tells me…

You’re likely a Vegan and most definitely into your career. You’re probably too busy with work to stock your fridge, and too busy to cook, thus no ingredients to make a meal. You just have snacks and they’re all fruit except for the mystery bowl at the bottom.

The fact that you shop at Whole Foods says you’re willing to pay a bit more and that you bought two melon halves already cleaned out rather than buy a whole one for less money reinforces that you’re not counting pennies.

If you are a vegan, it could go either way. Dating is a team sport and if your date is willing to accept your love of veggie-ville, you need to accept his love of the once-living. Taking turns on restaurants is the way to go. But if you think your lifestyle should now be his lifestyle, I’d advise your date to shag now-ask questions never.

You also seem to be a world traveler, always a plus. You got that thing that looks like a porcupine mated with a football. I’ve never seen it in the US, so I assume you discovered it somewhere overseas.

You’re also the environmentally conscious type as you’re on the go, yet don’t have a 12-pack of bottled water. You probably take a reusable water bottle with you, and though I can’t see the door of your fridge, a class schedule from Equinox is a good bet.

Be aware that you might make more money than your date, and have a higher stamp count on your passport. As long as you still let the guy be the guy, he should be okay with it.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 7 When it comes to sex, you don’t have time to play games. You’re busy with your career and that carries over to the bedroom. As a Vegan, you’re probably into Yoga and don’t tirelessly work on that yoga-tush for nothing.

Marry: 6 You have potential Robin, but a concern is you won’t let the guy be the guy. Career women like to be in control and that bleeds into their dating. Though it constantly works against them, they often don’t see it.

Fridge Analysis

Stonehill,

Can you review my fridge? Your site is awesome!

-Caitlyn

Stonehill Analysis

Hey Caitlyn,

Opening Day was last week, one of my fave times of year. Because if you have to boil it down to one word, it’s this: potential.

Potential has encapsulated Opening Day for over a century. And on Opening Day, every team has the potential to be champions. Of course, by August, reality sets in, but in early April, every team has dreams of grandeur.

When it comes to dating, I find ‘potential’ to be equally relevant. The potential to have something is often more important than actually having it. We won’t get everything we want, but knowing we have a chance is enough to keep us going.

Now, when I look at your fridge, that’s what I see: potential. I can’t say you’re a fit for every dude out there, nor does your fridge give me the fuzzy wuzzies. But I do see enough positives (with few negatives) to conclude you’re worth going to bat for.

As there’s not much to work with, lets break down your fridge into 2 camps: Hope and Nope…

Camp Hope

• This is one of the healthier fridges I’ve seen. It’s not bursting with nutrients, but you have a healthy harem with zip-dip on the junk-food front. Fruits and Veggies are aplenty, gourmet all-natural ice tea is top shelf, and the Silk and Almond Milks are in I-formation. What does this all mean? Probably one tight tush.

• You got nibbles, if needed, for post-slap n’ tickle time. (String cheese and burritos is by no means a grand slam, but it’ll do). I can’t say this is why you bought them, but I like to see singles prepared.

• You’re big on breakfast and a tasty home-cooked one is a master move. You’re chock full of eggs, yogurt, Thomas’ English Muffins (the only brand, in my book) and with 2 milks, I have to assume 1 is for coffee and 1 for cereal.

• Your condiment lineup of ketchup, hot sauce, etc., tells me you either binge on beef, or at the very least, cater to the carnivores in your life.

• You’re environmentally conscious: Brita is your source of water when home, and you’re not chucking plastic.

• You have a nice fridge model, with digital temp control and humidity drawers: a good sign you have a productive career.

Camp Nope

• No booze, a tragedy in my book. This isn’t a tell-all you don’t drink, but normally I’d see a sign. Hopefully if you (or your date) drink, you keep your stash outside the fridge.

• This fridge ain't guy friendly. It’s a good move to keep a six-pack of beer on hand, whether for a date or a guest. It won't spoil anytime soon and keeps you date-ready. You can’t go wrong with Stella or Newcastle.

As I stated above, more positives than negatives, thus plenty of potential. So best of luck this dating season. Come August, I hope you’re still in it to win it.

Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)

Shag on first date: 4 The fact that you’re actively dating and putting a fab foot forward on the healthy front tells me you’re open to Saucy Town.

The fact that you have no booze visible tells me he probably won’t round the bases on date 1. I do like that you have hummus and pita, a great shareable date food. You just need to provide a bit more backup.

Marry: 6 I don’t get a ton of insight from your fridge, so it’s hard for me to say. Most of your brands are hard to see, though Silk’s demo is college educated upscale healthy lifestyle, which provides a clue there. Again, with you I see potential, but not enough to declare a slam-dunk.

Putting your best foot forward on the physical front, plus a productive career is enough to up your score above average.

Fridge Analysis

Stonehill,

I’ve been on a couple of dates with Amy. We made out, nothing more. Not sure where I stand at this point, but I welcome some fridge insight.

-Ted

Stonehill Analysis

Ted, something is amiss at the Circle K. (The Circle K being Amy’s Fridge)

Her fridge tells me there’s someone else in her life. And there’s nothing wrong with this. You’re clearly in the test-drive phase and she should be test-driving other dudes. She’s just spending QT in some other dude’s garage.

Lets put on our detective hats and dive into the evidence…

Clue:

A bottle of O’Douls, Corona and SKKY Vodka….

Conclusion:

They’re clearly for at least two people. And one of them is in AA. I say this as I’ve had O’Doul's and it tastes like piss. (If I was beer, I’d sue to get my name back) Anyone who drinks it is clearly avoiding alcohol.

If it’s Amy, she’s clearly doing well in the program as she’s okay having beer and SKYY for her guests. If she was falling off the wagon, I’d imagine a shitload of better supplies than this.

Clue:

Amy’s fridge is as desolate as Gary, Indiana.

Conclusion:

She’s not home much. I assume she can’t afford to eat every meal out as her fridge doesn’t scream dinero, plus she’s got only one condiment. Speaking of, her Grey Poupon looks out of work longer than A-Rod’s suspension.

In re. to other peeps at her place, I’m guessing it’s not a roommate as her fridge is empty for one person…for two, you’re talking Chernobyl. (I considered a crash pad for flight attendants, but there are no mini bottles of the liquor and wine they’d steal off the cart)

Clue:

Eggs, Bacon, Turkey Sausage and Milk.

Conclusion:

Most of her time spent here is mornings and weekends. This fridge is all about breakfast. I get it, I live for breakfast, but there’s hardly any evidence her fridge is used the rest of day. (Speaking of breakfast, I recently tried the Egg White McMuffin, felt like I was eating an albino, but very tasty.)

Her two milks, like her beers, tell me there’s 2 people at play here. Each container is at least a half-gallon, so she’s not using one for just coffee. Plus, my grandma had osteoporosis and even she didn’t drink this much milk.

Now, the Whip Cream can be for blueberry pancakes, her Ben & Jerry’s or if she was into Varsity Blues, a good ol’ fashion boobie sundae. (I’m a Fribble man myself)

Overall, I’m not saying don’t go there, but tread lightly. You guys should both be dating other people. As long as you’re open about it, that’s all you owe each other.

Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)

Shag on first date: 6.5 She looks like she’s shacking up with someone and still took you back to her place. Considering you couldn’t get past 1st base, you might have to work on your game.

Marry: 4 There’s more to learn about this one, but most women I know don’t shag more than one dude at a time. If she’s willing to (and I assume she didn’t take you back to her place to watch HGTV), she might be the just-have-fun-with variety.