#may.exe

tier 1: 

behaves pretty cheerfully in general. 

tends to react as if amused or seeks amusement in things - aka, only pays attention if interested in some way. this interest stems from any perceived connections between the subject and her personal experiences, anything even marginally related to her personal experiences, anything that could be dangerous, or can divulge potentially useful (in terms of survival or worldly mechanics) information to have.

in other words, she can be highly curious. while she knows where to draw the line with being inquisitive, she will nonetheless 99% attempt to badger a subject into giving her answers to her questions. the line is drawn only if the subject is likely to retaliate with fatal violence or inflict long-term negative consequences, or will likely be unresponsive with further questioning. infrequently, she will also draw the line at the revisiting of graphic physical or mental or emotional or sexual trauma, especially in relation to loved ones.

tends to speak in a roundabout manner unless necessary. actively avoids evoking any form of religion or otherworldly beings in her speech, though more because she regards as them as real living existences and she doesn’t want their attention by any minute coincidental means.

can seem rather lazy at times; she won’t expend more energy than needed, or at all depending on whether the task is something she thinks she really should be doing. much like her standards for interesting matters, whether a task or line of action is necessary depends on its relation to her personal experiences, whether it pertains to something relevant to her or dangerous, or whether it can have a useful (in terms of survival or to meet need) outcome. if she isn’t being lazy otherwise, she seems the pure opposite, being busy reading or researching or talking or doing one of her hobbies without pause.

tier 2:

in spite of her cheer and her curiosity, there is a deep bluntness and insensitivity underneath her words and attitude.

her questions are meant to satisfy her own doubts and needs; she will rarely look at things from the other’s perspective unless it proves useful to do so. (aka, when she needs to see what they see in her and her behavior, therefore how they will react to her - or to simply understand what they’re trying to get at in general.) 

even the occasionally sympathetic boundaries she draws in questioning are done because, while she’s more or less become heavily desensitized to terrible things and cynical views, she still has her own traumas that can pull her back into bad mental states - the lines are primarily for her own sake more than the other person’s, though that doesn’t mean that’s entirely the reasoning. she can and occasionally will empathize with someone’s pain and make working around them a primary reason for the boundaries, or as the second-biggest reason.

similarly, while fanciful and/or cryptic in speech and behavior, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t touch upon dark or crude or disturbing subjects. in fact, talk to her for long enough, and she won’t have a single damn filter in her mind or mouth on what might be triggering material. she’s a little more considerate around children or people with fragile mental states, but even those are still a case-by-case deal as she sees it.

her lack of filter, eventually, logically means a general lack of interest in keeping quiet about disturbing matters - particularly, her own traumas. she doesn’t like revisiting them to the point of psychological collapse, but she doesn’t like bottling up her experiences either. she has a constant streak of need for talking about her experiences---good and bad---with someone who will empathize with her, and if not that, at least someone who’ll believe her. (not ‘listen’, because anyone can have their eyes and ears open and listening but will not necessarily understand and believe what she’s saying regardless.)

this is a contributing reason to why she puts herself and her needs and wants first over others, and is a symptom of some of her vices, namely a strange mix of envy and pride - as she wants true acknowledgment from others but is also generally indignant when people’s disbelief trample upon her lived-in experiences, leading her to desire their attention but to also casually shun most people as ignorant idiots and assholes not worth any (further) engagement or interest.

tier 3:

the reason why it’s envy vs greed in the above case is that she perceives others as having some odd virtue of being believable whereas she isnt, for some reason, despite saying what she thinks (and knows!) is the absolute truth. (thanks Ange for dismissing your little sibling’s traumas as mere nightmares, even if you didn’t really know better regardless.)

in other words, she sees others (though not everyone; shes seen plenty of people in undesirable states that she’ll never swap with if she had a choice) as living better lives than her own. this is directly connected to her nephilim heritage - the fact that being nephilim brings instantaneous scorn from the heavens as well as from people across the universe through the (if present) presence of propaganda that paints fallen angels and their descendants, or anything remotely similar to such things, as the worst criminals unworthy of the right to even exist. she’s already seen the effects of this scorn through her father’s execution by her own mother, who tried to bury the matter and pass off the death as a disappearance, which her sister (stupidly, in may’s opinion) believed and as a result earned a ridiculous knight templar attitude among other unpleasant (again, in may’s opinion) personality changes. and then there’s her nephilim-blessed ability to go astral project to other worlds and times, which was initially erratic and dangerous for lack of a manual or safety measures to it nor any finesse of control due to her young age at the time of its awakening.

none of this would have happened or been any of her problem, tho, if may and her family were normal humans. if she were normal, she wouldnt have witnessed and experienced so many horrible things by way of some awful ability to basically be a dimension-traversing ghost - she would have been so much happier. her family would all still be together and happier, maybe, and be more concerned about so very mundane things. their pains would similarly be smaller, they could all live life bigger and better, and under heaven’s mandates would have an untouchable and unquestionable right to exist and live.

ofc, they would also all be oblivious about what the universe is truly like. which she cant say is worth trading for all that happiness sometimes. she’d rather know than to not, for knowledge is power in the end.

even if that knowledge has its mental burdens, even if knowing is tiring, for knowing means knowing just how much to hope for anything.

she’s very tired of everything, deep down.

tier 5:

in spite of how bitter she feels about herself and everything around her, she has a beating and bleeding heart.

a small portion of such a heart, at any rate. her experiences have stamped out most of her empathy for anything, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a soft spot or two. while she doesn’t like her family at times, they are still the closest she’s got to people who will exactly understand her experiences (tho she can’t mutually empathize with her mother as a reason for why their family’s gone downhill in a way, and ange took a damn long time to take may very very very seriously; grudges stick to may like glue, more so than even ange is with grudge-nursing).