#matthewmudock

Surfer!Kuroo back from catching some waves as commission for @matthewmudock! Thank you for being so lovely to work with!

Hi all. I don't know who still follows this blog. I long ago abandoned it, and many wonderful people along with it, and I have no good excuse. But I will attempt to explain. I met a boy through Tumblr. I use boy intentionally, as I was a girl then. I am not now. I loved him, with everything in me. I moved my world to be with him - literally. I left my home and everything I knew to change countries, continents to be with the one I loved. Then. (There's always a then, isn't there?) Then I slowly but surely lost myself in him. There was no me, there was only us, and then only him. I became a shell of a person, no longer the girl who sang in the shower and lived for a lively conversation about Marvel or Disney. I feared as I had never feared before, I had no confidence, I let myself become helpless. After months of this, I found myself at a crossroads. I finally accepted that things could not stay as they were. What did the boy do? What boys always do. I had pretended he was a man, we both had, planning our life together... It wasn't until he told me he couldn't, wouldn't be with me anymore if I moved that the bubble burst. It was like coming out of a coma, seeing what he'd done to me... No. Seeing what I'd let him do to me. What I hate about myself is I still would have stayed with him if he had asked. But he didn't. He's a boy. I could go into the rest, and will if you ask. But the ending is really that he's a boy, and I lost not only the non-existent man who I thought was the love of my life, but also the real boy who I was sure was and would always be my best friend. So I came back. Within two weeks of the breakup, I was back in the US, back to my parents house, back to the life I was sure I'd left forever. And things started to magically fall into place. In just a couple weeks, I found a nice apartment, got myself a sweet idiot dog, got cast in my first proper lead role and then, just a few weeks after that, got a job at a great school teaching the exact grade I wanted to. But then. (There is always a then) I did something monumentally stupid. My costar and I had to kiss A LOT, so we became flirty friends so it wouldn't be awkward. No problem, right, he has a girlfriend of, like, 8 years, and he's a thousand times hotter than me. Just gotta control my feelings and I'll be fine, right? Nope. And I let my incredulity that he would want me lead me down a path to suddenly become the other woman. He was a boy. He found every excuse to justify it. First, pretended being half naked on my bed was a rehearsal. Then that he felt nothing for me but hormones, so I ended it. Then, he decided my occasional requests for him to stay meant that I had raped him. I spent two weekends after that having to fall in love and make out with him on stage after that, running outside to sob uncontrollably at every opportunity. Again, there's plenty more to that story. But the ending is he was a boy, I let my loneliness, and shock that someone wanted me, lead me to make mistakes, and I lost a lot of people's respect when it became obvious what had happened. Again, I lost the closest friend I had, developed rifts with others, and lost what little ability to trust others I'd regained. This was just about a year ago now. Amazing how time flies, right? So what since then? Why have I been absent? I've had plenty of stories I could tell (the boy from tinder who thought I was a unicorn for being a 22 year old virgin, the steady slightly boring cop who I was too much of a mess to go anywhere with, millions of funny kid stories from teaching, plenty of stupid silliness from my dog). I've gotten into new fandoms I could have enjoyed (dragon age, fallout, blacklist). Why stay away? One part is obvious. I met my Tim on here. You might spot him sometime, spinning two hammers on one of the many versions of the "feminism is calling you to fight the patriarchy" posts. He'll always be a smudge for me here. But, honestly? It's just as much because my life has been all gray. I get through the day. I survive. Barely. I don't have friends, I don't go places, I don't do anything to heal. I dive into places like Thedas or The Commonwealth to avoid real life. Because otherwise I think, and thinking makes me want to just fall asleep and not wake up. Why now then? No, sorry to disappoint, there's no happy turn-around. Instead, once again, I've had dreams end and friends leave and trust shattered with a series of crushing events right in a row. Each time I thought I'd managed to pull my head above water, something new hit. Even though the last one pulled me under only a few days ago, I'm already sure another will follow soon. So now I need tumblr. I need you, my friends and random visitors. I need to feel a part of something, even if it's small and even if I will be forgotten the next moment. I need to shout into the void and have the void occasionally answer me, even if the answer is just a "same" or a like. So, here's the plan: each day, I will post one blog post, one selfie, and one dog photo. Fandom stuff will be reblogged, of course, but those are my three promises. If you read all this... Well, thank you. And it officially means you can call me your friend. Message me anytime you want. I have a lot of experience and can give good advice usually, and I love helping and listening to others. Or, just get in a conversation about what house different dragon age characters would sort into or what Disney tattoo I should get or which monster from Supernatural is the scariest. I am broken, but my jagged edges won't cut you. I have a lot of love to give, I am bursting with it, and no one wants it. Have some care and compassion and interest from me and know I appreciate the opportunity to give it, more than you could know.

like. on a scale of troll 2 to tos star trek, how hokey is it

sleepover saturday/sunday (gonna go to sleep now but feel free to send more)

>////< You’re welcome and thank you for the kind words! Really they mean a bunch!!! ^_^ I just love the idea of them being all awkward and fumbly with one another, gosh those adorable setters

Send me a fandom and a number!