#masterselfie

I’m a cowboy in Hawaii.

I’ll ride you until we drown.

Part 1: The Strange Boy

Once upon a time, there lived a young boy named Bernard.

When he was six, he discovered that he loved Princesses, but not in the same way as other boys liked Princesses. Bernard did not desire to be with the Princesses, he desired to be like the Princesses.

Although people thought he was strange, he grew up to be friendly and loquacious, and lived his life like a carefree bird.

As he got older, he discovered that he was best at taking beautiful pictures of himself (he called these photos "Selfie"), and people from his small town envied him for his Selfie Skills.

Face in this angle, arm raised above the eyeline, click button. Snap. Snap.

And, voila, the most beautiful Selfie there ever was. Each one far better than the last one he took. 

Part 2: The Witchy Exchange

One day, as he was reading the news, he learned that the grandest Gathering of the Princesses of the Universe was going to be held in his little town, and he wanted nothing more than to attend this event, and see the Princesses of the Universe up close, and may be even get to meet to some of them. 

There was one problem, however -- Bernard did not have enough gold to buy himself a ticket.

He prayed and prayed and prayed that a miracle might happen, that someone with a good heart would take him to see the Princesses of the Universe, for free.

Alas! The town's wicked witch, Peskina, known for her Pesky Witchery, heard his plea and decided to give Bee what he most wanted in life.

That night, as he was about to sleep, Peskina the Pesky Witch appeared by his bedside.

"Oh Peskina, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Have you come to pesky me again?", asked Bernard.

"Boo, you insolent bird. I am here to fulfill your heart's deepest desire. A ticket to the Gathering of The Princesses of The Universe. And not just any ticket. A SMITTAP (Slightly-More-Important-Than-The-Average-Person) Ticket, including a backstage meet-and-greet...", declared Pesky.

Bernard's eyes glowed, and his heart fluttered.

"Yes, please. I will do anything, I will give up everything for that Ticket", said Bernard.

"But you know I do not do anything for free. Except peskying you, because I enjoy that. The Ticket... in exchange for something valuable to you. Hihihi..."

"Pesky, you know I am but a poor boy, with no gold or possessions. I only have my masterful selfie-ing skills to get by..." said Bernard.

"Exactly, my infuriating frenemy! The Ticket... in exchange for your Selfie Skills..."

Bernard's heart fell. His Selfie Skills was his most precious possession. And yet… he wanted the Ticket. Wanted it more than anything he's ever wanted in his lifetime.

"How do I know that this is not a trick? That ticket must be a fake!", accused Bernard.

"Huh, shame on you, you ignorant baby! Do you really not want this?", said Peskina, as she produced a shiny ticket, shaped like a tiara that the Princesses of the Universe wore during the Gathering. It was decked out in swirls and glitters and flourishes, and read "SMITTAP". It was the most beautiful thing that Bernard has ever seen (more beautiful than all of his selfies combined). And clearly, it was not a fake, for it bore the signature of the High Princess of the Princesses of the Universe, Princess Pia.

"I want it."

"Then I will have your Selfie Skills. That is the deal, and it will be irrevocable. No refunds. For the final time, are you sure, Bernard?" asked Peskina.

"Yes."

"Then sign here and here and here.", pointed Peskina to a piece of scroll that seemed to magically float in the air.

Bernard hesitated for one second, took a quill from his nightstand, and signed the scroll.

He read: "From this day forward, all your selfies will be ugly, no matter what angle, no matter what lighting, no matter what setting. You will be depicted as angry, sleeping, growling, snarling, and everything that could be described as deplorable in a selfie, no matter how pretty you look in real life. Known by all these presents, you shall abide, always and forever."

As he signed the last of his name, he felt a big whoosh travel from the tip of his toes to his belly to his mouth, and in the next second, two tiny but very bright lights escaped his eyes, and flew directly into Peskina's satchel.

"That's done, then. Your ticket, take it. Hahahahaha", Peskina huffed maniacally.

As he touched the tiara-shaped card, Peskina disappeared into the night to leave him alone, once again, in his room.

True to Peskina's word, all the selfies he now took looked despicable, he can hardly stare at them himself. But, as he showed his Gathering ticket to the townspeople, and they gushed about how lucky he was, he felt a little bit better about himself.

 Part 3: The Magical Gathering

The night of the Gathering finally came, and what little gold he had in his piggy bank was spent to beautify himself (a new set of suit, a visit to the salon, a new bottle of perfume).

As he entered the Grand Amphitheatre for Gatherings, he felt like a million bucks. He took one selfie at the entrance, but that appeared ugly. He took another one by the stage, and that too, looked ugly as hell. He now knew that even dressed in the finest finery, there was no way that Peskina’s Witchery could be broken.

The Gathering was wonderful. All the Princesses of the Universe were magnificent, as they pranced and flittered on stage, showed their magical talents, and answered questions about beauty, grace and what it means to be a Princess of the Universe. As the new High Princess of the Princesses of the Universe was crowned, everybody cheered on, but no one was as happy to see all this spectacle unfold as one boy named Bernard.

Part 4: The High Princess 

When it was finally time for a meet-and-greet backstage, Bernard was beyond excited. First he met with the runners-up Princesses, then a few other Princesses and ex-Princesses who were just as beautiful.

Then he met the newly-crowned High Princess, and when she asked if he wanted to take a selfie, he had to say yes, even when knowing that his face would look so awful beside this goddess.  

“Can I see?”, the High Princess asked.

“Uhm, sure…”, Bee replied.

He saw how the High Princess’s face changed, puzzled that he looked so horrible in the photo.

“That’s… nice. I would love to see that on your Instagram page. Tag me. Use the hashtag #newprincessoftheuniverse, ok? Do you promise? You know you can’t say no to a Princess. I think you should do it now.”, the High Princess insisted.

Bernard, of course, could not say no to a being as high as the new High Princess of the Princesses of the Universe. He cringed as his ugly face went online, ready to be laughed at by millions of people.

A few more pleasantries, and Bernard scanned the crowd for the Princess he most wanted to meet, Princess Pia.

As he approached her, she met his eyes, and touched his shoulder.

“Something precious was taken from you, am I right? You must suffer so badly. But for someone who has loved the Princesses of the Universe for as long as you have, you should know that Beauty is relative. You may be the ugliest person in a photo, but one day, you will find a photo of a person uglier than you, and you will feel better about yourself.”, told Pia.

“That’s right. I shouldn’t worry about being ugly. Someone will always be uglier than me.”

Then he heard Pia sigh the biggest sigh, her eyes shining with anger and fire.

“I WAS JOKING!I Beauty does not matter at all. It’s what’s inside your heart that matters. And don’t forget your brain, too. We Princesses are admired for our Beauty, but we are more than our faces and bodies, we work and help people and spread love and kindness to the Universe.”

“Confidently beautiful with a heart”, Bernard and Pia said in unison.

“Now, go forth, my child. Your ugly selfies will serve as a reminder of this lesson. If people start un-liking you for your ugliness, then it’s because they are shallow and unkind to their fellow humans.”

“Thank you Pia, you truly are the best High Princess there ever was.”, Bernard remarked.

“Hey, don’t let the new High Princess hear that. And, I think it’s Peskina the Pesky Witch you should thank for giving you this wonderful, freeing gift. Don’t you think?”, Pia said as she waved Bernard away.

 Part 5: The Obvious Loophole

As he reached his little hut, he noticed Peskina, wandering about in the night.

“Hey, I wanted to thank you for the ticket. This night was magical.”

“I maybe a Pesky Witch, but I still have a heart. I am being generous tonight, so I will going to say this. Our exchange has a loophole. I am not going to tell you, but if only you will use your brain to find out, it’s really so obvious.”, laughed the witch.

Bernard and Peskina remained frenemies for life.

 Part 6: The Last Photo

Bernard was now 119 years old. He was old and weak, but he still liked to take selfies, even though all of the selfies he has ever taken in his lifetime (starting that one fateful night) had been so, so awful. He had a lot of beautiful memories, but the best one was still the night of the Gathering of the Princesses of the Universe. He lived his life in kindness, just as Princess Pia reminded him to do.

He called on over his caretaker to his deathbed.

“I would love one last photo. But I am too weak to take a selfie. Do you mind?”, Bernard asked gently.

Snap.

“Oh wow. You don’t like ugly here at all, Sir. Is this what your 39 year-old self looked like? You’re smashing!!! I thought you said all the photos you take of yourself turn ugly?”

And it dawned on him. A loophole.

From this day forward, all your selfies will be ugly, no matter what angle, no matter what lighting, no matter what setting.

He could almost hear Peskina’s evil, maniacal laugh.

“All I had to do was ask someone else to take my photos. What a fool I am. What a fool!!!!!”

“PESKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”