The struggle to give your partner what she needs when you are hurting as a man

I get a lot of feedback, ironically from women defending men when I am harder on men in view of stepping up and taking ownership of situations. I agree that many men are trying to change and correct the collective of past male atrocities, so it is not all men this is speaking to, but a large majority. In part I am hard on myself because I wish I had been challenged in the past when I should’ve been stepping up. It was in these moments that I needed someone there pushing me to strive and really challenge myself. The ideal would’ve been a man who I could confide in because it wasn’t nurturing I needed, I needed someone to cut through my bullshit and call me out.

 I accept external challenge gracefully because I know that men are resilient. I know men are strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know men have an immensity of potential and we often overlook this potential simply because we are complacent in the areas that need work. But if you look at the world we have built collectively, it has been on the backs of hard work, resilience, sheer determination, collective unitedness and being inspired to be creative and fluid. This for me is the true essence of man. The essence of being the foundational strength so people can flourish together.

 So why with everything we have accomplished in life do we shy away from the moment that I believe to be pivotal in our overall success? What I mean by this is that we choose a woman to be at our side. We do everything in our power to woo her and get her to see the value in us. We get her to choose us over every other man. We show determination, we show desire and drive, we show our worth, but when we “get the girl” once again complacency and justifications kick in preventing us relating deeper. This is particularly focused on the partner we choose.

 Being completely blunt… you do all the hard work to get the girl and fuck it up by not continuing to do the work! This never made sense to me when in hindsight could’ve done more and it still baffles me when I see most men doing this today.

 What do we expect as men? That women are simply going to be waiting around for us forever the way we are if we don’t step up and actually do the work? do we honestly think that we are fine the way we are? Do we honestly believe that there is an end point to development? Do we honestly think that we can coast along and not experience the feminine challenging us to grow and constantly be that emotional vessel that she needs? 

 I believe that most of us need a reality check and this doesn’t have to be in a manner that’s harsh and I am fully aware that we all struggle with our emotional selves at times. This being an inevitability being human, but there has to come a point where we cut the nonsense and actually do what every woman does… Step up to the plate and do the work!

 This work can come in so many different forms, and some men have to do more work than others but it is still work. The moment we can be honest with ourselves and reflect on the man we want to be and truly be honest in the manner in which we are relating to our partner is the moment we have to change. This is where much like AA and NA, the first step needed is acknowledging that there is a problem. 

 The problem being that we need to be awakened enough to know that we should expect more from ourselves as a collective masculinity. I am by no means suggesting that we have to be militant about progression and development, but I do mean that we should be reinforcing and developing within the framework of our masculine and feminine. Whichever partner we choose, whichever ecosystem we have co-constructed, we need to be responsible for our progression within that frame.

 This is not about being like every other man or comparing yourself to any other man, but it is about being the type of man who can recognise that their defensiveness is highlighting a need for growth. How you define this growth is entirely up to you, but when it comes to relationships, your partner is always going to be a reflection of what you bring to the table. If there is conflict assume that you have a part to play and it is your responsibility not only for the relationship but especially to yourself to understand the inner workings of this ecosystem you have created.

 If we are basing this principle on simple transactional analysis, you’re striving for an adult position, not a parent or child position. Within this framework you are not rescuing, persecuting or feeling like a victim, but instead growing towards becoming more non-attached (present and completely immersed in the experience but not plagued by the emotional or cognitive content) in the manner in which you relate to your partner and the different situations you find yourself in.

 If you need emotional healing then why wait for your partner to step into the rescuer role? Go and get a therapist, join a men’s group, find a coach, do something that is going to help you digest the emotional content and triggers preventing you from experiencing a deeper connection to yourself and your partner. By doing this, it does not mean that your masculinity is going to be dented or diminished, instead it is going to give you insight into knowing how to manage yourself when in the feminine and masculine and truly understand what makes you you. Not only is this process going to be empowering for you, your partner is going to respect the intentionality behind going and doing something about the problem which intron will instil a level of deeper trust in the relationship. Don’t want for her to point this out!

The Male Dilemma: a need to evolve in work and success but lag behind in real evolution of their sexual self-image

  In my mind the sexual self-image is one of the most important aspects our life that we need to be able to cultivate and express freely. If we have any blockages related to our free expression of our sexuality, there is the inevitability that there will be some form of emotional, behavioural or psychological issue that can arise as a result.

 But how as men do we cultivate this authentic and very personal sexual self-image?

 The question steers the reader to the title where the focus of this problem lies in how we are conditioned as men to focus on success and a need to do “well” in life. What follows this statement is usually the reasons why we have to be successful because if we’re not we face a great amount of deficit in our lives. 

 So from this point of view we are instilled with fear right from the outset, and as we progress through our masculinity we compound this fear with the belief that our life will be filled with deficits if we do not achieve on a monetary basis.

 On one level, monetary success is a beautiful thing because money buys experience in a way, but I’ve had the pleasure of knowing some of the most spectacular and evolved men who have had normal professions and incomes but their attitude with life and the manner in which they related to their sexual self-image was very different. More evolved and surrendered.

 Now I believe we have to get one thing very clear here, masculinity and the sexual self-image need to be really thought out and processed consciously and because I do not believe either are simple topics to understand and embody. There needs to be some work on clarifying the positions and understanding in greater depth what each means for the individual man.

 There are a lot of men in the world who do not feel they want to relate to this path of evolution that I am suggesting, and this is completely ok. If you are happy with who you are and what life is providing you on all fronts then I also don’t believe that unless you have a necessity to explore more, don’t. there will no doubt come a point where you might want to explore these new avenues and the only suggestion I’d make, is be open to the possibilities of expanding your consciousness and awareness.

 For the men who hold a sense of wanting more from life and hold an inner sensation that this cant be it, this is for you. This is where in equal measure, the amount of work you are putting in for your monetary success needs to be transferred across to these other areas I’ll speak about below.

  Areas needing concentration:

-       Emotional level

 Emotionality is one of the first and foremost areas that I believe every man lacks ability in navigating. He more than likely can navigate anger and the expression of anger because it is really identified as a masculine trait. Or at least many men prefer to relate to anger rather than the felt pain behind it. This is the first part of the narrative that needs to be explored, expressed and understood differently.

 Once we have a better grasp of the emotions and how to navigate them, this will begin to paint a very different picture within the self-image that we carry. We no longer identify with anger and begin to see it as a choice rather than an unconscious reaction. The same is said with resistance and defensiveness. There is no longer a need for either of these responses and we have a much better understanding of what feeling discomfort is about and there is no need to rush to save ourselves from this feeling.

 The thing we need to be aware of on the emotional journey is that it is not about the destination, but it is very much about the process. This is where most of what we need to learn and continue to grow from will come from.

 -       Physical level

 The second part of the self-image that we need to consider is our physicality. The manner in which we relate to the physical will translate not only into the bedroom but also in the manner in which we carry ourselves in the world. It is the first aspect of ourselves that anyone will meet and if we have neglected ourselves to such an extent that we are unwell physically, the only thing you will be exuding is “I have no respect for myself”.

 This translates into many areas of our physicality. How do we groom ourselves. How do we smell. How is our diet. How much do we exercise. Am I flexible and wat am I doing about becoming more flexible. 

 As you can see there are so many questions that we need to be asking just around our physicality, because this is where many men neglect themselves and box themselves into “I just need to train”. Well no! it means something much more that just having a good physique. It means that we have respect for ourselves and the manner in which we deserve respect demands respect from the rest of the world. It is a powerful place to be in and the world responds accordingly.

 This is where I feel the alpha male has become such a powerful prototype. It is because the alpha has these characteristics, but they scream and shout and use other unevolved masculine traits that demand attention. Once you have understood that the physical is about personal and intimate respect towards yourself, you will then realise that there is no need to shout this from the rooftops, but instead let your body and presence do the talking. That will be voice enough for the onlookers.

  -       Sexual level 

 Our male narrative has always been focused on penetration. Even if you look at premature ejaculation as an example, there is the fixation with penetration and because the man ejaculates too quickly coitus cannot be achieved properly. I mean come-on! What does that even mean. Just with that statement, we are taught that penetration = sex, and that there is no other means of enjoying powerful and present love making other than through penetration. This is all kinds of wrong, and I believe that it is through this process that we are conditioned into falling victim to performance anxiety and erection issues.

 The problem with this line of thinking is that not only men are conditioned into having certain expectations about themselves and their performance, but women are also roped into this belief that if there is no penetration or orgasm then a full experience hasn’t been had.

 When it comes to exploring this side of our self-image we have to begin with deconstructing what our sexual self looks like:

Is it about performance?

Is it about romance? 

Is it about making love? 

Is it about loving in our fullness?

Is it about being so present that we are experiencing every nuance in the moment?

 Personally it is about all of this and more. The manner in which you get there can be defined solely by you. There has to be a conscientiousness as to how you go about doing this. Its learning that all of the categories above have validity, but it is about surrendering to what our true essence is.

 What that means to me is being able to acknowledge that yes I have many “typical” masculine traits or enjoyments but I also find value in the intimate. I find immense value in communication and being curious about my partner. I find great fulfilment in being able to feel the energy and softness and strength of my partner and flow according to her rhythm. This to me is a sense of being conscious within oneself and recognising that there is no mould for which I have to fit in except my own mould.

 -       Spiritual level

 The spiritual is a level that most men avoid in my experience. It is too hippie dippie and not concrete enough for them to get a grasp of the concept. There may be the acceptance of being more spiritual in nature, but the true study of the spiritual means to me that we are looking towards source. We are looking towards connecting with source energy and wanting to learn how to allow that energy to fuel us in being better men and human beings.

 Apart from religious studies I feel that kundalini tantra has enlightened me and continues to press me to grow inward and outward based on its teachings. I identify it as being a full system with many answers that I never thought existed before I started my journey down that yogic path.