#masculine development

The struggle to give your partner what she needs when you are hurting as a man

I get a lot of feedback, ironically from women defending men when I am harder on men in view of stepping up and taking ownership of situations. I agree that many men are trying to change and correct the collective of past male atrocities, so it is not all men this is speaking to, but a large majority. In part I am hard on myself because I wish I had been challenged in the past when I should’ve been stepping up. It was in these moments that I needed someone there pushing me to strive and really challenge myself. The ideal would’ve been a man who I could confide in because it wasn’t nurturing I needed, I needed someone to cut through my bullshit and call me out.

 I accept external challenge gracefully because I know that men are resilient. I know men are strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know men have an immensity of potential and we often overlook this potential simply because we are complacent in the areas that need work. But if you look at the world we have built collectively, it has been on the backs of hard work, resilience, sheer determination, collective unitedness and being inspired to be creative and fluid. This for me is the true essence of man. The essence of being the foundational strength so people can flourish together.

 So why with everything we have accomplished in life do we shy away from the moment that I believe to be pivotal in our overall success? What I mean by this is that we choose a woman to be at our side. We do everything in our power to woo her and get her to see the value in us. We get her to choose us over every other man. We show determination, we show desire and drive, we show our worth, but when we “get the girl” once again complacency and justifications kick in preventing us relating deeper. This is particularly focused on the partner we choose.

 Being completely blunt… you do all the hard work to get the girl and fuck it up by not continuing to do the work! This never made sense to me when in hindsight could’ve done more and it still baffles me when I see most men doing this today.

 What do we expect as men? That women are simply going to be waiting around for us forever the way we are if we don’t step up and actually do the work? do we honestly think that we are fine the way we are? Do we honestly believe that there is an end point to development? Do we honestly think that we can coast along and not experience the feminine challenging us to grow and constantly be that emotional vessel that she needs? 

 I believe that most of us need a reality check and this doesn’t have to be in a manner that’s harsh and I am fully aware that we all struggle with our emotional selves at times. This being an inevitability being human, but there has to come a point where we cut the nonsense and actually do what every woman does… Step up to the plate and do the work!

 This work can come in so many different forms, and some men have to do more work than others but it is still work. The moment we can be honest with ourselves and reflect on the man we want to be and truly be honest in the manner in which we are relating to our partner is the moment we have to change. This is where much like AA and NA, the first step needed is acknowledging that there is a problem. 

 The problem being that we need to be awakened enough to know that we should expect more from ourselves as a collective masculinity. I am by no means suggesting that we have to be militant about progression and development, but I do mean that we should be reinforcing and developing within the framework of our masculine and feminine. Whichever partner we choose, whichever ecosystem we have co-constructed, we need to be responsible for our progression within that frame.

 This is not about being like every other man or comparing yourself to any other man, but it is about being the type of man who can recognise that their defensiveness is highlighting a need for growth. How you define this growth is entirely up to you, but when it comes to relationships, your partner is always going to be a reflection of what you bring to the table. If there is conflict assume that you have a part to play and it is your responsibility not only for the relationship but especially to yourself to understand the inner workings of this ecosystem you have created.

 If we are basing this principle on simple transactional analysis, you’re striving for an adult position, not a parent or child position. Within this framework you are not rescuing, persecuting or feeling like a victim, but instead growing towards becoming more non-attached (present and completely immersed in the experience but not plagued by the emotional or cognitive content) in the manner in which you relate to your partner and the different situations you find yourself in.

 If you need emotional healing then why wait for your partner to step into the rescuer role? Go and get a therapist, join a men’s group, find a coach, do something that is going to help you digest the emotional content and triggers preventing you from experiencing a deeper connection to yourself and your partner. By doing this, it does not mean that your masculinity is going to be dented or diminished, instead it is going to give you insight into knowing how to manage yourself when in the feminine and masculine and truly understand what makes you you. Not only is this process going to be empowering for you, your partner is going to respect the intentionality behind going and doing something about the problem which intron will instil a level of deeper trust in the relationship. Don’t want for her to point this out!

The hunting of men… The dissolution of our past through the recognition of our mistakes

I am a man. I am a man who strives to be better every single day but am haunted by my own personal reflection that I have done wrong in the past. Like every man going through their various stages of growth there are moments when we are completely oblivious to why we act in the manner we do and we can analyse these experiences to the point where there is a psychological explanation for every single facet of our behaviour. I do not believe that this is the problem because like every man or woman there are stages of development and growth that we go through and this is essentially a process to become more conscious and aware and steering towards becoming more self-actualised individuals.

In other words, we do not come out the womb with this experiential knowledge of how we should be. This is down to life and the experiences that we encounter along the way. There is no one blueprint to how men should be and this phase we are in currently is highlighting an interesting shift that more and more men are becoming aware of themselves and the mistakes they have made. 

 Let me rephrase that: Men are becoming more aware of the bad choices they have made!

 The problem with experience is that there is no master reset like a video game. We only have one shot at the experience itself and once we make a particular choice, we have to follow through with the chain reaction that follows. No matter how quickly or delayed we may be in recognising these bad choices, once made they will be imprinted in our minds forever.

 Men have a different relationship with shame and what I mean by this is that we all have encountered shame throughout our lives but the manner in which we bottle it up and hide it away is very unique to us. We almost dissociate from the actual feeling itself and we will continue to find other avenues of achievement to mask the real knowledge that we carry this shame within us. It is only through very deep self-reflection that we realise how we have attached this shame to something enjoyable like sex or masturbation or work and other achievements. We have an uncanny ability to mask this shame.

 Regardless of how many years of therapy I have done for myself and the continual personal development that I embark on daily, there will always be a conscious connection with the shame I feel towards the bad decisions I’ve made in the past. This is not to say that I am a monster or a villain like most men, but the manner in which I have carried myself in the past in relation to anyone or anything still holds an imprint deep in my soul when I compare who I was to who I am today. I believe this is a common feeling for many men, where you will find a common statement heard “can we move past this please”. 

 This is because there is shame there, and we feel it. But unfortunately we do not have a machine that can quantify how much shame we are feeling to visually illustrate to the person in front of us that we are feeling remorse and are deeply pained by the way we have been. 

 Most if not all of us going through this process of development can recognise that with hindsight we have probably behaved badly according to the current blueprint of how men should be and we are quickly labelled with the toxic masculinity title, or the narcissistic brand. I too am culpable of using these titles for men but I do so with knowledge of their history and most importantly the desire within them to change. Not using them in a manner to squash the individuals who are doing the work.

 I truly sit here struggling to write this piece because it feels that there is a 50/50 split at the moment between men. This split is being maintained by very regressed men who do not want to change because their ecosystem they find themselves in wont challenge them enough to make the necessary changes, so why should they.

 There is no immediate gratification in making these changes as a man, especially if it means that we have to change to suite others around us. There is not allure to being more evolved and being more conscious because it is too healthy and not charged enough. There is no draw to making love over fucking like animals where we can appease our ego drive in its fullest. Immersion into our conscious self takes time and patience and perseverance but is not easy.

 So the question is why should we change as men?

 The simple answer is one of respect. The man who does not try to become more within himself so outwardly he can serve more is a man who has no respect for himself and the world he lives in. There is no denying that men want sex all the time but this doesn’t mean that the manner in which we go about getting it isn’t sullied. We need to become more reflective of the kind of man we want to be and make the changes necessary to achieve that self-image. Because we have a choice in most things, the moment we become more conscious in our ability to make changes, this is where our responsibility towards our self and others becomes paramount and we have to honour ourselves in the quest to achieve this.

 We are given a loose blueprint of how to be as men. This blueprint is constantly changing but can be seen to slowly shift towards a better model, but unfortunately still maintains very bad traits. The blueprint that has been bestowed on us may not be a conscious one in its acceptance and its seldom a case where someone has sat us down and explained this is what is expected from us being men. Instead most of our learning is achieved through the collective of men we engage with. It is only within recent years that we can say that men’s groups are becoming more popular and we now have a platform to face up to the varied styles of masculinity and most importantly the shame we harbour. 

 The importance to change, is not about change but growth. This may be a clever term for the same thing, but I truly view this process as one of growth. Growing inwards towards a more connected and authentic self, grounded in the knowledge that everything we do as men can be founded on a principle of love and kindness. The knowledge that we can still be “manly” and love motorcycles and extreme sports and bars and pubs and all the things that stereotypically have been labelled as things men like to do. BUT, it too means that we have a choice in how we relate and show love in our fullness because in essence we as men want to show this love but struggle with “getting it right”.

 The realm of relating and being exposed in our vulnerability is not an easy task for anyone especially men. Unless you’ve been fortunate enough to have these feelings normalised we run risk of not knowing how to navigate the space and in general the masculine mindset is about “getting things right”. This is usually why one of the most common problems in relationships is the man trying to fix the woman’s problem rather than knowing that holding the emotional space will be more effective over the long run in comparison to finding a solution. 

 We run an additional risk here and that is not knowing against who we should model ourselves on because there is such a variety of masculinity available. We have the tendency to model ourselves against men who are high achievers and unfortunately these are the men that will more often than not have a voice and be bold and stereotypically “alpha”.

 We confuse achievement and success with acquisition and forcefulness. We confuse dismissal of the other with knowing how to navigate a debate linguistically and be present in doing so. We confuse our partners emotional turmoil as a task to fix and avoid learning to sit with discomfort. We confuse what society says about emotional expression as a means to express our anger towards someone rather than processing it in a manner that is constructive for you and the relationship you are in. We confuse superficial infatuation with deep love because we are mostly not able to navigate the full range of emotions. Ultimately this list of critique can go on and on, and we can point out all the flaws that men have.

 The one thing we must not do is shut down a man who is really trying to change and be better. Because the harsh reality for many men out there is that we are afraid or have been afraid that our shame is provoked through an altercation or interacting with someone and instead of the actual work we’ve done being the primary focus we are hunted for being men on the backs of other unevolved men and on the backs of our forefathers and the mistakes they have made. 

 Like most atrocities in history, there is a collective reparation that needs to be spoken about and implemented. This doesn’t mean that there should be more segregation between men and women but really a coming together where we can celebrate ones self-actualisation and recognition that we are changing. This is not an easy process for people going through it and especially for the people who have experienced an unevolved man.

 My hope is that the more and more men coming together to explore and understand the range of masculinities that are out there are also understanding that there are other more effective ways of being. More effective and fulfilling processes to challenge our ego and shadow and ultimately get to grips with who we are as men. 

 It is essentially brave for men to embark on this, but it is also incredibly courageous for women to accept and trust this process so that we can evolve forward.