#mash reader insert

He nodded his head a bit still watching you closely. "Okay, out with it." He said a bit more forcefully, and you looked at him with surprise. "Come on you can't keep secrets from me." He said as he motion his hand at you.

'That's what you think.' You thought to yourself before you cleared your throat. "It's a bit embarrassing." You admitted.

"I wont laugh." He said as he raised his hand up, as if making an oath.

You smiled at the gesture, before letting out a long breath. "Uh, so, I've been, sort of seeing someone for the last few weeks." You paused and looked over at Hawkeye.

Part of you hoped to see jealousy cross his face, but you didn't really expect it. So when you saw him seem to adjust himself uncomfortably, you felt your chest tighten. "Oh, I didn't know that. Uh, wh-who is this lucky gentlemen? Or gentlelady, I don't judge." He quickly joked, and you rolled your eyes lightly.

"Patrick, the newer MP."

"Ah, yeah, I've seem him around."

You nodded your head. "Yeah, well...I thought he really liked me ya' know? I thought we had a somewhat serious thing going on, but earlier, when I went to do inventory, I uh- caught him in a rather revealing situation with a nurse."

Hawkeye watched your face fall as you said this, and he felt anger rise in his chest. He let out a deep breath and shook his head. "Bastard." He mumbled under his breath. "And I assume this is at least one of the reasons you can't sleep?"

You shrugged lightly. "I wish it didn't effect me so much, but, it does."

Your mind began to wander, and you started talking, slowly as you stared at the tent wall. "There was this guy in high school, I really, really liked, he even asked me to prom. But the day before, I found out he asked someone else instead, and went with them. Then there was a guy in college. I thought for a short while I was gonna marry him. Then he left me for someone else. And then-"

You stopped short, as you thought to yourself. 'And then there was you. The crazy, hilarious, but heart-felt and kind Doctor I fell head over heels for, who would never see me the same way.'

"And now Patrick." You said softly before shaking your head. "I guess I just don't get it. What is it about me that isn't good enough?"

Hawkeye felt his heart break as you said this, your eyes falling to the table as your face fell. How cold you think you weren't good enough? You were more than enough, for anyone. It was other's who weren't good enough for you. Including himself.

Leaning a bit closer to you, he spoke in a soft voice, but it was heavy with feeling. "Don't you dare think for a minute, that you aren't good enough for those guys. You are the one they didn't deserve. You are the one Patrick is missing out on. If he can't see that then he's a bigger idiot than I thought. You are kind, generous, smart, and brave. Look at me Y/n."

Tentatively you met his eyes, and he smiled softly as he continued. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. Inside and out." Placing his hand on top of yours, he seemed almost lost for words before he met your eyes again. "Hell, you are my favorite part of every day. You make me remember the good in the world, even out here, in the middle of this damn war. And if a schmuck like me can see that, they should too. But if they don't, then that only means they don't deserve to be anything to you, so don't waste your heart on them."

Your heart was pounding heavily, and your eyes burned hot as you listened to him speak. You never knew he thought that way about you, and a part of you wished he didn't. It only made you fall harder for him. Which in turn, only made you hurt more.

"Hell, if I was lucky enough to be with you, I would never let you go."

You felt your neck and ears burn hot at his comment, and you looked away timidly, pulling your hand away from his. "You don't need to say these things just to make me feel better Hawkeye."

He frowned, shaking his head. "Y/n, I'm not just saying them, I mean them, honestly."

You met his eyes again, and smiled, speaking in a joking tone. "And here I thought, I wasn't your type."

He tilted his head a bit. "And why would you think that?" He was not joking, his face held a serious expression.

You looked at him with a furrowed brow. "You're kidding right?" You almost scoffed.

He shook his head, and you felt your chest tighten. "Well, I mean, the nurses I see you with, they're all so different than I am."

"When was the last time you saw me with a nurse?"

You opened you mouth to speak, but faltered, actually thinking about it. You couldn't recall any time recently that you saw him chasing after a nurse. "I- I don't remember, but that's not the point."

"No, the point is-" he paused as he turned, swinging his leg over the bench to face you entirely, "-that none of them compare to you. And ever since I got to know you, none of them have shined a light to you. If I had less control over myself I'd probably follow you around like a love-sick puppy." His face fell a bit as he saw how taken aback you were. "But I hid it a bit to well didn't I?"

You nodded your head a bit as you swung your own leg over, facing him. "I had no idea. I thought you'd never be interested in someone like me."

A soft, almost sad smile crossed his face as he reached forward taking your hands in his again. "You're the first person I think I've ever met that I thought, or felt this seriously about. And I guess, that scared me. So maybe I did push those feelings away, hid them. But I do feel them. And.... I know you may feel like you can't trust me, due to my, admittedly amorous reputation. But I can assure you, I could never hurt you, nor would I ever want to."

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you gently squeezed his hand. "I trust you Hawkeye."

He met your eyes and smiled softly.

"And just so you know, Patrick doesn't compare to you either."

His smile grew bigger. "Now your just buttering me up."

You let out a soft laugh and shook your head, looking down at your intertwined hands.

"I'm sorry he hurt you." He added softly.

You smiled as you met his eyes, shrugged your head. "You're right, he isn't worth me wasting my heart on."

He smiled, almost proudly, before his face changed, showing a more timid expression. "Do you think I might be worth it?"

You bit the inside of your lip lightly as you resisted smiling. You nodded your head. "I do. And I don't think it would be a waste."

His smile grew as his eyes flicked between your eyes and you lips. Slowly, the two of you leaned closer, pausing as your noses touched, your lips only an inch apart. Your eyes met and they both shined with various emotion. Together, you closed the space between you, your lips meeting almost cautiously, before you both deepened the kiss.

Slowly, you and Hawkeye both let go of each others hands. Yours rose, one gently placed on his neck, the other gently grabbing his loose shirt. Hawkeye's hands cupped your face as he deepened the kiss.

When you both ran out of breath, you pulled away, resting your foreheads against one another as you stared at each other gaily. Gently caressing your face he pecked your lips quickly.

"I don't want this to end, but if we don't get any sleep, we'll be zombies tomorrow." He said softly, and you could see the exhaustion of the day in his eyes.

You yourself felt fatigue begin to wash over you and you nodded. "Only promise this isn't already a dream."

He smiled brightly, leaning in and kissing you gently.

"I promise."

xx End xx

Finally making it to the mess tent, you took your glasses off as you got inside, shaking the water from them as you wiped your face. Noting the crowded mess tent, you figured everyone was too afraid to make the trip back to their tents in the storm.

Following BJ, you sat down beside him at a table with Hawkeye, Potter, Radar and Margaret. The table was crowded with others, causing you and BJ to be squished together, his hand was looped around your side, holding you close.

As you wiped off your glasses, Potter looked over at you. "So, decided to swim over huh?"

You smiled and glanced down at the food on everyone plates. "Oh, you know me sir, no wind nor rain can keep me from-" you paused as you watched Hawkeye pick up something unidentifiable up with his fork, "-whatever the hell that is."

Te others chuckled as Hawkeye gestured with his fork. "Meatloaf."

You rose your brow. "I think I'll pass."

"Oh, come on, you gotta eat something." BJ said as he moved to stand up, bringing you with him. You wandered over to the food and he gestured at the options. "I'm sure there something somewhat edible here you can eat."

"Yesterday's dinner, today's lunch, or tomorrows breakfast?" You asked as you looked at the food.

BJ shrugged his shoulder with a smile. "Like I said, options."

You chuckled as you both got a tray of food and wandered back to the table. As you began to eat, everyone looked around as the loud sound of rain slowed to a gentle patter.

A chorus of pleased mummers sounded through the tent, as multiple people rose to leave quickly, in case the rain picked up again.

"You know, when you're safe and warm inside, the rains not so bad. Almost comforting in a way." Margaret said, as she sipped her coffee.

"Yeah, about as comforting as the wind that brought me here without me having to move my legs." Hawkeye scoffed.

Margaret rolled her eyes, but you smiled. "I agree Margaret. I love the rain."

"Even if it's like looking through a glass of water." BJ asked softly.

You smiled, "Yes, even then. Though, the mud puddle that almost took me out, I can live without."

"Oh, the puddles around the compound are a menace." Margret commented. "I slid three feet in one during yesterday's storm."

"I took a trip down the whole road this morning, surfed like I was on an ocean wave." Potter added on as he motioned with his hand.

"Thanks for the warnings." Hawkeye said as he rose. "I'll heed them as I wade my way back to the swamp."

As he began to move towards the exit, the rain began to pour heavily, as the wind picked up, whistling through the crack in the door.

Turning around, Hawkeye came and sat back down. "On second thought, might wait a bit."

"Right." Your voices rang out in unison.

Pulling a deck of cards from his shirt pocket he looked around. "Anyone for a game of blackjack?"

xx End xx

“Of what?” BJ asked incredulously.

“Of all of it. The commitment, the relationship, love. I’m terrified of falling in love with Y/n. And I know that I’m already on that path. And that if I do anything about it, I won't be able to stop myself from falling completely. And that- that terrifies me. Because what if...what if I break Y/n's heart? What if they break mine? What if…” He let out a shaky breath “What if one of us dies.”

BJ felt pity for Hawkeye as he finally let out his desperation's. Reaching over he patted Hawkeye on the back. “No matter how scared you are about all the things that could happen. You’ll regret it more if you force yourself to do nothing. You deserve that happiness Hawk. Even through the fear of it all, you’ll only regret losing what would happen, because you’ll be focusing on what could."

Taking in BJ’s words, he glanced back at the table you had been at, only to see you were now gone, along with Doctor Thatcher. Feeling the pit in his gut get bigger, he feared he may have been too late.

- - - - -

Later that evening, as the sky grew dark, Hawkeye left his last shift of the night. He wandered through the compound, he couldn’t help the intrusive thoughts that crept through his mind. Where had you and Doctor Thatcher gone after you left the Officers Club? What did you do? Where are you now? Are you with him? As his mind came up with a hundred things you could be doing together, Hawkeye felt his gut twist.

Suddenly, hearing a familiar chuckle, he looked up. You and Dr Thatcher rounded the corner as you walked through the compound together. The second Hawkeye saw the two of you, together again, he couldn’t stop the jealousy that rose through him once again. He also realized he felt relieved, seeing you two out here together. At least he no longer had to fear that you were off alone somewhere, wrapped in each other’s arms. Though, whether that was something that had already happened, he wasn’t sure.

“Hey kids.” He suddenly said loudly, gaining yours and Dr Thatcher’s attention.

You smiled at him as he approached “Hey Hawk. Finished with your shift?”

“Oh yeah, all done now. Ya’ know. Doing my job. Being a Doctor.” He said awkwardly as he looked at Dr Thatcher “I was surprised not to see you in post op.”

You frowned as you watched Hawkeye. To most, it would be hard to see or hear the disdain in his voice. But having known him for some time, you picked up on it easily. He was annoyed, angry even. At you or Dr. Thatcher you didn’t know, as Hawkeye’s gaze pierced through both of you.

“Oh, well, I will be taking the shift in the early morning, just before I leave back to my unit.” Dr. Thatcher responded.

“Oh, oh, I see.” Hawkeye nodded as he smiled. “Well I checked on your patients so there’s no need to worry. I wouldn’t wanna run your two’s fun.” He said with a shrug and a cheshire grin.

Dr. Thatcher let out an awkward laugh as he looked at you briefly "Well. I was going to head to bed anyway. So, no fun ruined I assure you.” He said politely as he looked back at you. “I’ll make sure to say goodbye in the morning.”

You smiled, ignoring Hawkeye’s cynical smile “Good, have a good night.”

As soon Doctor Thatcher had disappeared around the corner you turned to Hawkeye “What’s wrong with you?”

Hawkeye lifted his hands in defense as he shrugged his shoulders “What? Can’t a man make conversation?”

“That wasn't a conversation, Hawkeye. He may not have been able to notice it, but I’ve known you long enough to know that you were being mean. You were being cynical and conniving, why? What did he do to you?”

“Who says he did anything?” He responded, defensiveness rising in his voice “I’m sure he’s a great guy. Funny, charming. Good enough to get you alone.”

As he saw your face fall, he felt his heart shrink. Without a response you turned to leave, but Hawkeye quickly reached out, grabbing your elbow to stop you “Y/n, Y/n, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

You turned quickly, facing him, the anger in your eyes causing him to take a step back “Then what did you mean Hawkeye, because what it sounded like, was you accusing me of sneaking off to sleep with a Doctor simply because what? He was charming and made me laugh? How dare you.” You said, hurt obviously written across your face.

“Please, Y/n, I didn’t mean that, I just...I’ve seen you two around the last few days. And you left the officers club together, I just-”

“Well for your information, when we left it was because I had a shift in Post Op and he had to write up some reports. We happened to run into each other in the mess-hall, ate together and that’s why we were together a few minutes ago.” You said defensively. You knew you shouldn’t have to defend yourself, but you were hurt.

Hawkeye let out a sigh and you saw the regret on his face “I’m sorry, I should have known better.”

As you felt a bit calmer, having heard a genuine apology, something else clicked. “Why would it matter anyways?” You asked.

You had feelings for Hawkeye for some time now, and sometimes you thought he felt the same. But since he flirted with most people, both seriously and joking, you never knew if his remarks towards you were serious. But when he told you his deepest thoughts, sought you out just to see you, you thought maybe he did feel the same. And now, as he got so stirred up at the thought of you with someone else...was he finally ready to admit it?

“Uhh.” He was unsure of what to say in response. “It doesn’t.” He added on, and as your face fell again, though he saw you didn’t believe him, he felt regret that he didn’t just spit it out.

“Fine.” You said, your voice quiet as you felt disappointment. Turning to walk back to your tent you stopped when Hawkeyes hand grabbed your elbow once again. Looking back at him, you saw a soft, nervous gaze on his face.

“It mattered...because I was jealous.” You turned fully towards him now. Through his nervousness, he swallowed his pride and fear and took a small step towards you. He stared down at you and into your eyes. “I was jealous that you were spending so much time with him and not me. I was jealous he was the one making you laugh, not me.” He said softly, as though if he spoke any louder it might hurt. He tore his eyes away from yours and stared down at the ground.

“Jealous?” You asked, your voice matching his own quiet voice.

He nodded. “You seemed to really like him.” He admitted, and you saw his face fall.

You couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at your lips as you saw Hawkeye, baring his true emotions to you willingly, though cautiously. “I do like him.” You saw him swallow a bit and you continued “And so does his wife. Who, I happened to go to school with.” Hawkeye’s eyes snapped back up to yours. “That’s why we got on so well. Once I found out who he was, I couldn't just ignore him. He became my friend, and I got to hear stories about a friend I lost contact with years ago. That's why we spent so much time together.” You saw the realization cross Hawkeye's face as you spoke “You would have known that had you not been avoiding my presence the last few days. Was that due to jealousy too?” You asked, your voice laced with amusement.

Hawkeye looked up at the sky and let out a loud sigh “Oy vey.” You heard him mutter.

You laughed. “At least one of us said it.”

He looked back down at you and let out an incredulous laugh “You have no idea how stupid I feel right now.”

“I think I can guess.” You said with a small smile.

He shook his head a bit “Well. At least it got me to...sort of tell you how I feel.”

You smiled at him “You’re not the type to so easily admit their feelings to someone.”

He shook his head “It’s a fatal flaw.” He looked back down at the ground and you smiled a bit.

“No one makes me laugh like you, Hawkeye.” You said softly and he looked back up at you, his eyes filled with something akin to hope. “And no one makes me feel like you do Hawkeye. I don’t think anyone ever will.”

“And how do I make you feel exactly?”

“Scared.” You said softly and you saw his face change as he truly realized you did feel the same as him. “This is the worst place to fall for someone. But...we can’t help it can we?”

He shook his head and whispered out “No.”

You took a small step closer to him as you looked up into his eyes “But what makes it worth it, are the other other ways you make me feel. Happy. Wanted. Needed. And safe.”

Hawkeye’s eyes lit up as you spoke, seeing the genuinity behind your eyes. A smile stretched across his face. Slowly, he brought up his hand and cupped your cheek “You know what you make me feel?”

“What?” You asked, your voice barely audible.

Leaning down a bit, his lips getting closer to yours, he smiled again “Ready.”

“Ready?” You questioned.

He nodded “Yeah. For the first time, I think I’m ready to fall in love.” He admitted, and through the shock that sent through you, you couldn’t help the smile that formed.

Smiling in return, and feeling all of his fears and reservations slip away, he closed the gap between you and kissed you. Whether the war raged on around you, and threatened to tear you away from one another. He would no longer run away. Instead, he would hold you close, keep you safe, and love you as best he could.

xx End xx

BJ nodded his head lightly. “If war is good for one thing, it’s learning about loss.” BJ said, a solemn tone in his voice before he shook it off. “Well, even if love is grand, the middle of a war might not be the best place for it.”

You nodded your head in agreement “Agreed.”

He lifted his glass again “Here’s to friendship in war, and hopefully no tearful goodbyes unless it’s when the war ends.”

You clinked your glass against his “Friendship in war, and nothing more.” You added on.

BJ “And as my new friend, you promise to knock me on my butt if I ever begin to fall in love with someone?”

“You got it BJ, and, as my new friend, you promise to never fall in love with me?” You asked jokingly.

BJ chuckled. “I promise.”

**Four Months Later**

You carefully watched the road in front of you as you drove the jeep over the bumpy terrain. You were anxious to get back to the 4077 quickly, you and BJ had a date. Well, not a date, just your weekly meet up as you exchanged letters from home as well as got things off your chest depending on how stressful your week had been.

You grew almost dependent on these nights with BJ, having taken solace in them to keep you sane. And as much as you hated to admit it. You broke your own promise. You had fallen in love with BJ and you knew it. You weren’t supposed to, you didn’t mean to, but it happened. You had no control over it no matter how hard you tried to resist it.

You would tell yourself that he could never feel the same, and that it was just you who failed to keep the promise. This helped to stifle the feelings you tried to repress, but also hurt you as well. At other times you convinced yourself that the war would end soon, and you’d part ways with BJ as friends, with a tearful goodbye you’d hate more than he did. But maybe, just maybe you’d meet up again after a while, and something could form from there.

Suddenly you were brought back to reality as shots rang out from the hills, piercing the jeep, you gasped and ducked down as the jeep swerved around the road. More shots rang out and you desperately drove down the road, fear gripping your mind as adrenaline shot through you.

As you rounded a corner the shots ceased as you sped back towards the MASH Unit. Seeing it down the road and in the distance you didn’t slow the jeep down.

- - -

As BJ and Hawkeye walked through the compound they looked up as a jeep sped into camp, stopping abruptly outside of the main office.

BJ recognized you in the jeep, and as he and Hawkeye saw the bullet holes littering the side of the jeep they ran over to you. Colonel Potter and Klinger, who had just exited the main office, ran over as well.

You let out a few deep breaths as the others ran up to the jeep, “Well I see you saw some action today!” Colonel Potter said as you moved to open the door.

You let out a stressed chuckle “Not as much as the jeep Sir.” As the door swung open and you stepped out, you felt a sharp pain shoot up your side, eliciting a gasp of pain as you fell to the ground.

BJ dropped down next to you, his eyes locking on the dark red seeping through the side of your jacket, his heart dropped at the realization of what happened. “You’ve been shot!” He called out, making Hawkeye signal for the orderlies to bring over a stretcher. BJ placed his hands on your side, pressing down on the wound, causing you to grimace in pain. “Come on hurry!” he called out to the orderlies.

You looked up at BJs face, seeing it covered in concern, Potter placed his hand on your shoulder “You’re gonna be alright Y/n, just hold on.”

“I don’t remember getting shot.” You mumbled out, confused as the pain spread through your body, the adrenaline previously shrouding it fading away.

“I think that’s fairly common when you’re running for your life.” Hawkeye said as he helped BJ to move you onto the stretcher.

- - - - -

BJ felt his gut twist as he stared down at you. You were now unconscious on the surgery table, blood still seeping from your side. Hawkeye watched him carefully before speaking softly “Beej are you sure you don’t want me-.”

“No.” BJ cut him off “I’ll do it.” Taking a deep breath he began to work at your wound, searching for the bullet and to try and repair what damage may have been done.

It took just under an hour before BJ was done, he had been as thorough as he could. You lost a lot of blood, and the bullet had nicked your lungs, but you were going to be alright. BJ now stared at your slumbering face as he sat at your bedside, he had finished checking your vitals and filling out your paperwork, but he couldn’t get himself to leave your side. He had too many thoughts running through his mind.

For a minute there, he really thought he might have lost you. And in that same moment, he truly realized just how strongly he felt about you. For months he had been pushing it down, trying to ignore it. He promised he wouldn’t fall in love with you, but damned if he could stop it. Thinking back on that day you met, he should have known then. He had no chance. How could he not fall for you? He wished he had never made that promise. It came off as a joke, but he knew you meant it. You both knew how easily it could be, to be torn away from someone during the war.

But as BJ stared at you, he knew he couldn’t go back now, whether you were together or not, he’d still be torn apart if he lost you. Just friends or not. So why not more?

As your eyes suddenly fluttered open, BJ sat up a bit straighter. Reaching over, he pressed his fingers against your wrist. Your pulse was normal as you opened your eyes fully and looked around.

When your eyes locked onto his and you smiled sleepily, he felt a burst of relief and happiness shoot through him. He smiled back at you and shook his head lightly “You gave me quite the scare you know?” He spoke softly.

You cleared your throat a bit “I scared myself.” You said with a quiet chuckle.

“How are you feeling?”

You sat up a bit and seemed to think to yourself a bit before nodding “I feel like I got shot.” You smiled and earned a small incredulous smile from BJ before you spoke again “I feel fine BJ, I promise.”

He nodded his head a bit “Good.” His voice was almost a whisper before he continued “No tearful goodbyes, remember?”

You nodded at him “No tearful goodbyes.” You repeated.

BJ looked around the room before back at you, moving over to sit on your bed he kept his eyes locked onto yours “I don’t ever want to feel like that again.” He admitted.

As he spoke, you could sense something in his voice, deeper than a caring friendship, so you questioned him “Feel like what?”

BJ seemed to take a breath before he spoke “Like I lost someone I love. Even if it was only for a moment, it was the worst moment of my life.”

‘Love.’ he said it, but surely he meant it as a friend. Friends can love friends. But you couldn’t help the doubt and hope that flowed through you “Love?” You asked softly.

BJ nodded his head “Yeah. Love. And not just as a friend.” He added on, contradicting your unspoken doubts.

You felt your heart hammering in your chest as you stared into his eyes, they were full of so much emotion as he stared at you. So it wasn’t just you who broke that promise.

“You said you wouldn’t fall in love with me.”

“I lied.”

You stared at each other in silence for a few moments, your eyes conveying so much to one another in silence. But you knew you had to break it, you knew he needed to hear it too. “Well. I’m glad I’m not the only one who broke my promise then.” You admitted, a small smile threatening to spread across your face.

A few seconds passed as BJ took in your words before a grin spread across his face. When you saw it, you could no longer hide the smile on your own. BJ shook his head a bit before he sighed out “Well, we’re just a couple of failures aren’t we?”

You let out a soft giggle “I guess we are. But...there is still one promise we need to keep.”

“What’s that?” He asked softly.

“No tearful goodbyes.”

BJ nodded before he brought up his hand to your face, gently stroking his hand across your face he leaned in close to you “None.” He said softly before he learned the rest of the way in, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, which you happily returned

xx End xx