#marupok2019

Di ko alam kung mababasa mo ba to. Di ko alam kung magbabasa ka pa din ba sa page na to. Pero kung sakali man, ilalagay ko na lahat dito. Kung mabasa mo man to, sabihan mo lang ako. Or wag.. kung ayaw mo na talaga ng any contact from me.

Madami kang bashers actually. Kasi sa paningin ng mga tao ikaw yung umagaw kay Paola sa akin.. Pero alam mo ba sobrang pinagtatanggol kita sa mga kaibigan ko at sa fam nya. Galit na galit sila kasi nakikipagkita ako sayo. Kasi kinakausap kita. Galit sila na okay tayo. Bakit daw ang bait bait ko sayo. Fyi daw, ikaw daw yung dahilan kung bakit depressed ako. Tapos pinagtatanggol pa kita? Grabe naman daw katangahan ko.

Anong gusto nila awayin kita? Eh di naman ako ganun. Tsaka mabait kang tao eh. As in. Never kitang narinig na magbad mouth or manglait or what. Yun lang naman yung naging flaw mo eh, yung kay Pao. Pero other than that you have a beautiful soul. Sobrang nice mo. Pinipilit kong makita nila yun. Pag may sinasabi silang nega, lagi kong sinasabi “huy hindi. Mabait yun. Sobrang bait nun kaya nga nainlove dun si Pao eh..”.

Ang saya ko nung 2 weeks na naguusap tayo. Simula nung naginom tayo dito sa bahay. Wala naman akong planong masama gusto lang talaga kitang makausap. Gusto ko lang makibalita kasi sobrang nababaliw na ako. Tapos akalain mong yung. Nagclick tayo. Tapos dito ka pa natulog. Tangina magkayakap pa tayong natulog kasi I was crying that night. Niyakap mo ko. I didn’t expect that but I needed that.

Tapos pumunta tayo sa inyo. Nameet ko ate mo. Nagwatch tayong movie. Nagchill. Nageat. Tambay. Ang saya mo kasama. Walang kaarte arte sa katawan. Chill lang. Nakakatuwa. Infairness nakafeel din ng “happiness” kahit papano. I was having fun. Ang weird lang sayo pa talaga.

Seryoso ayun yung mga panahong never akong nagcheck kung online ba si Pao. Never akong nagstalk. Di ako nagigising ng madaling araw para tignan kung gising na ba sya. Nawawala sa isip ko yung ex ko.

Then ayan lagi na tayong magkausap. You were there for me everytime my mind fucks up. Naiintindihan mo ko. Sobrang naiintindihan mo ko. For the first time in months, I wasn’t lonely. And I found comfort in you. Which is so wrong in every angle. Pero what can I do? That’s what I felt and I’m just being honest to myself.

Tangina di nga natin alam kung “friends” tayo or what eh. Sobrang caring mo. Magchachat ka lang just to ask if I’ve eaten already. Daily reminder diba nga sabi mo. Tapos pipilitin mo ko to eat. To take care of myself. To go to work. Kwentuhan pa tayo ng childhood days. Random talks.

Tapos ito hinding hindi ko makalimutan is when I was in a middle of a breakdown, sinabi mo sakin “walang sukuan”. Grabe laki ng impact sakin nung words mo na yun. Iba eh. Parang I had hope. Basta ang hirap iexplain. Pero sobrang iba.

In a short amount of time, I grew fond of you. Alam mo yung nakita ko kung bakit nafall kaagad sayo si Paola. Kung bakit ikaw yung pinili nya. Ikaw yung taong hindi mahirap mahalin. You have nice qualities, smart, talented, pretty and presentable tangina pak na pak lagi eh akala mo may pacontest eh hahahaha, sweet, cool, humble. Puta lahat na sige.

Haaaaay. Then you went here again sa Marikina. To get high. Inangkas kita sa motor from Cubao. Ang sad lang yun na pala huling sakay mo kay Pinky. And when we got high that was when I crossed the line. The high gave me the courage to kiss you. We kissed. I wanted more of you but you couldn’t give it to me.

I thought you won’t talk to me anymore after that. But you said “I’m still here for you”. Tangina napakabait mo. Kahit na you had doubts that I am just using you to get back at Pao you were still there. Sobrang bait mo. Di ko alam kaya mo ba ginagawa to kasi you were guilty and baka mabait ka lang talaga and you were genuinely concerned about me or maybe there’s more to it. I don’t fucking know.

You still gave me the comfort and attention that I needed. Tangina. And even I myself was torn because I knew Pao is against us communicating. I know that she’s telling you that I’m falling for you and all you can say to her and all you believe was “ikaw ang mahal nun”. I don’t want to cause you any trouble but fuck I was already attracted to you. And I couldn’t admit it to myself. That I am starting to like you. Tangina.

I started to question myself. Kanino pa ba ako nasasaktan? Kanino pa ba ko nahihirapan? Kay Pao pa rin ba? Nakamove on na ba ako kay Pao? Sobrang gulo na ng nararamdaman ko. Di ko maadmit sa sarili ko kung ano yung totoo. Pero ramdam na ramdam ko yung totoo.

Then you got mad at me for not telling the truth about Pao’s IG. Tangina. I was so paranoid at that point. I waited for you for hours and gave you flowers. You even asked me if ganun ako kaeffort sa friends ko. No, I’m not. Maeffort ako sa taong gusto ko.

And then Sunday came. April 14. Nagkita kita tayong tatlo. Expected ko naman na. I already prepared myself to get hurt. Kitang kita ko na you two really love each other. Tangina both of you didn’t give a single fuck that I was there too nga eh. You guys were sweet and kinda all over each other. Hahahahaha. And there was me contemplating kanino ako nasasaktan. Tapos ayun kumanta ka. Partida you had tonsilitis pa. Gaaaawd. Alam na alam ko na talaga bakit ikaw pinili ni Paola. Ang sakit lang talaga when you sang Yellow. Haha. Nadurog ako dun, girl.

Then morning after, you chat me up. Telling me na everyone knows na hoping pa din ako na bumalik si Pao and it’s for your own good kung di mo na ako kakausapin kasi nga nauubos ka na. Hindi mo na alam saan lulugar.

Tangina di ko masabi na hindi naman na talaga ako hoping. Hindi ko maadmit sayo yung fact na yun. Hindi ko na din sya babalikan if ever. I realized how she mistreated me and used me and I don’t deserve that shit all over again. Naiintindihan ko naman talaga na hindi mo na ako kakausapin kasi para sa ikakatahimik nating lahat yun. And ayoko na din naman na makagulo sa inyo. Kasi nga diba sabi mo mahal na mahal mo si Pao and ganun din sya sayo.

Ako lang naman tong siksik ng siksik sa mundo nyo. Ako lang naman tong nagpupumilit kahit na wala naman talaga akong lugar dyan. Well wala rin naman akong gustong mangyari. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na liligawan kita at aagawin kita kasi hindi ko rin naman kayang gawin yun kasi alam ko kung sino ang tunay na mahal mo. But what I do know is I can do better than her pero tangina ang fucked up lang ng sitwasyon. But if given a chance, why not?

Haaaaayyy. So this is me. Being honest. And finally admitting my feelings. I am doing this hindi para manggulo or what. I am doing this so I won’t have any regrets.

I am missing you so bad. I miss you checking up on me. I miss your company. I miss us poisoning our lungs together. I miss our random talks. And I can’t help but think, are you missing me too?

PS: if you want to get high, just chat me up or text me. No more making out don’t worry. Tangina I bought 2g of kush for us to use, ending ako lang magisa gagamit?? Ang lonely naman. Ano to. Samahan mo ko hoy sayang to. Hahahaha!!