#maruaders angst

Sirius watched as James tripped over hypothetical feet trying to catch Evans’ eye. He scoffed at the behaviour; while he enjoyed some friendly flirting, James was beyond ridiculous.

“Look at that twat, Wormy,” Sirius huffed, affectionate as ever, but still irritated.

When no response came, he looked up from his plate to find Peter drooling (slight exaggeration) over some poor bird behind him.

“Ugh,” Sirius recoiled with a bit more feeling than warranted.

“What’s got you so chipper?” Remus slid in beside him, earlier than usual, looking sleep rumpled but healthy; the new moon was a wonderful time.

“Look at these two idiots, salivating like slugs.”

Remus tutted fondly at the pair. “Leave them be, Padfoot, not everyone is charismatic like you.”

“Is that so?” He leered. This was becoming common occurrence, needling Remus into flirting back. “And that’s your opinion?”

“No,” Remus rolled his eyes, spreading butter on his crumpet, “but the grapevine insists on that particular character trait.”

“Spend time listening to what the grapevine says about me?”

For a second Remus faltered, unknowing that Sirius knew where Remus had heard it from, so he decided to just tell him.

He grinned, only slightly bitter that his friend had succumbed to the female population too (he didn’t really understand why, he pulled plenty himself).

“I heard about Pillai, you animal!”

Remus blushed under his golden skin. “Shut up.”

“Ow!” James spasmed wildly as a stinging hex was aimed his way and bumped into Peter, whose peas slid onto his lap.

“Hey!”

“Finite,” Sirius said lazily.

“Scourgify,” Remus waved his wand over Peter, while focused entirely on his breakfast. “Keep some senses on you, for fucks sake.”

“Not my fault!” James defended. Yes it was, there was no need to antagonise Lily, but James’ skull was thicker than a Kappa’s shell.

“Is too!” Peter said crossly, wiping the green from his trousers.

“You daft sods,” Remus mumbled fondly around the spoon lodged in his mouth.

“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Sirius sighed heavily, leaning onto him, “who are sane.”

“Just us,” Remus agreed.

“‘m leavin’!” James yelled. “Use the mirror if you need me!”

“Go away,” Sirius rolled his eyes good naturedly. “And please, for the love of Merlin, don’t natter on about your socks to Evans.”

“They’ve got moving snitches on them!”

“Just go, Prongs,” Remus laughed. “Try to relax and have fun, mate.”

“I would marry you, Moony, if not for Evans,” James put a hand on his heart, glancing at Sirius.

Sirius’ nostrils flared, and dramatically he said, “Get out!”

“So territorial,” James grinned, before he thundered down the staircase, missing Sirius’ jinx by a centimetre.

Silence cloaked the room as they stood amidst the clothes James had thrown out of his armoire.

Remus flopped back onto his bed, too lazy to retrieve his clothes from James’ pile; not like he cared, James had left for his date in Remus’ muggle band tee to show Lily he cared enough to learn or something.

“Where’d Wormtail go? The map isn’t here.”

“Who knows what he’s upto these days. Very secretive, our Wormy,” Sirius remarked, stepping around the clothing avalanche.

“Oh? Only him?” Remus sat up on his elbows, grinning shrewdly.

His uniform was unbuttoned down to his midriff, one flap untucked, and Sirius’ attention was rapt. “No,” he murmured. “Moony.”

“Yes?”

Remus stretched out his arm for Sirius to pillow his head on, which he did with a bright grin. They lay there in silence as he waited for Sirius to dredge the words out of his throat.

“‘s this alright then?” Sirius asked, rolling over to lay atop him, all bony elbows and knees. “Just you and me?”

This was still new, precious, fragile. James had probably guessed, but they hadn’t told anyone.

“Of course it is,” Remus assured, a kiss to his forehead. “Just us, Padfoot.”

Remus placed a bowl of rice and warm rajma in front of him.

Sirius wondered if he had once enjoyed this food if it made Remus stretch his wallet to prepare this for him.

“Here,” he said, pouring them both some whiskey on the rocks. “Sorry, I don’t own wine, this is easier to get drunk on.”

Sirius frowned slightly.

Remus filled the silence, misunderstanding Sirius’ hesitance, “I don’t drink that often, you know the wolf gets agitated.”

“You preferred beer,” he remembered suddenly.

Remus startled a bit. “Yeah, I–I still do.”

Sirius looked down at his plate, feeling a bit exposed and melancholic. His first proper meal in years, prepared by his, or who was once his, Moony.

“It was your favourite recovery meal,” Remus said lightly, correctly guessing what he was thinking. Sirius had to remind himself that Remus had also known him like the back of his hand.

“Oh,” he croaked.

“Lily tried to make it once when you and James were down with flu,” Remus continued, gratuitously offering the story, “and she burnt the rice, so I’d been summoned to salvage it to my best efforts. You really did enjoy it, even if James was more critical of the consistency of the curry.”

Sirius cracked a smile imagining the scenario to little effect; he couldn’t remember the colour of the Potter kitchen, Lily’s laugh, James’ observations or anything beyond the details of the anecdote.

“James preferred it thick,” Remus said. “And spicy.”

“Oh?”

“You could not handle it,” he teased.

Sirius smiled humorously. “You toned it down for me this time?”

“‘course I did.”

“Thanks, Moony. Did… did you learn from James?”

“I only knew to cook Cawl and Bara birth… and you liked Effie’s cooking too much to leave behind when they shifted out of London.”

“You always made my Indian cravings?” he asked, trying to appear nonchalant.

“No,” Remus laughed a bit. “I’m not that good. We flooed to them when we were all– free, to eat his special Kerala porotta and beef curry or Lily’s favourite chapatti and aloo.”

His expression must’ve changed, because Remus’ mouth was pinched, making his scholarly moustache twitch.

“Sirius?”

He came to, a bit disoriented. “Sorry, there’s–there’re a few gaps in my memory.”

“We’ll fix that, Padfoot,” Remus said sadly.

We.

“Just you and me, eh Moony,” Sirius smiled weakly, recalling it was one of his favourite phrases.

Idk what this is I'm just bored

Warnings: SH mentions, Depressing thoughts, anxiety, Hurt/comfort, crying, ANGST, kind of mean Sirius, cursing, Non-sexual nudity, sex mentions [basically Sirius is oblivious], Idrk what else

You're in a depressive state and everybody but Sirius seems to notice. Sirius gets annoyed when you don't give him attention before he finally understands and feels horrible [This is based off my personal feelings and how I contain my urges]

You weren't doing so hot. It was clear. Well, it was clear to everybody but Sirius. Your boyfriend, well one or them. It wasn't abnormal for you to feel like this. You often reached depressive states were you get anxious for no reason and start to feel down.

As you sat down for Transfiguration, you started to feel the painful urges. The same urges that have been paining you for years. The urge to cut or harm yourself in anyway possible. The urge feels unbearable but since you're in class you can't go through with the urges.

As you start scratching at you're arm, it feels like your anxiety is just getting worse. Nothing was causing your anxiety, it just happened. You felt your heart drop to the pit in your stomach and suddenly you felt every possible bad thing that could happen, would.

James, who was sitting next to you on your left gently grabbed the arm that was scratching your other arm and held it firmly, "Y/N, darling, you're going to hurt yourself."

You didn't look at him as he held your arm, only starting to bounce your leg as you could no longer scratch your arm. Remus, who was behind you, leaned down to your ear and whispered, "Is this class getting to much for you, my love? We can leave if it is."

Professor Mcgonagall was usually pretty well at reading you, and knew that if you left the class then you needed to. You were a top student and showed up every single day, even when you're sick.

"I'm alright, Remmy." You gave a weak smile to try and calm his worries.

Sirius, who noticed that James was holding your hand, and Peter (who was next to Remus and caught onto what was happening) and Remus were rubbing your back. Getting jealous of the attention, he scowled and turned away.

You were to lost in your mind to notice, and the boys (minus Sirius, of course) noticed and stood up to quietly lead you away.

You started to quietly protest but the boys had enough of it. They led you to their dorm and started to run you a calming bath to help calm you.

Peter, who was just holding you as James and Remus went to get a bath prepared for you, was whispering reassuring words in your ears.

All the boys knew of your self harming habits, and knew that when you were scratching your arms or punching them, you were feeling urges. This of course meant they wouldn't leave you alone.

"My beauty, do you want to take a warm bath? It will help calm you." Peter asked, coercing a nod out of you.

As he was standing you up to start removing your clothes, Sirius burst into the room looking mad.

"What the fuck? Why did you all skip Transfiguration to have sex without me? Am I that fucking awful?" He complained, obviously seeing the half nude you and not realizing what was actually happening.

"Sirius, calm down. That's not what is going on." James tried to reason. You were getting even more anxious now, seeing him mad just scared you.

"Oh really? Then why is Y/N fucking naked and you guys are running a bath?" He argued.

"Sirius, I promise we weren't doing anything." Remus said, not wanting to tell him that you were anxious and feeling urges as it wasn't his place to.

Sirius, who knew you struggled with lying, thought your silence was guilt from being caught, "I know you're lying, Y/N isn't fucking talking because they know I know when they lie. I can see the fucking guilt on their face."

"They aren't lying, sirius." You whispered hoarsely, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. Normally you struggle with crying when you feel you need to, you always find it hard to cry, even when cutting through your skin and deprecating yourself. Though, when one of your boys, or anyone for that matter, is mad at you, the tears start to fall.

"I wasn't- I'm not doing well today, so the boys brought me up here to take a warm bath to calm my anxiety." You whisper, walking into the bathroom and locking yourself in it to finally release the tears and try and calm down before going back in the room.

You hated anyone seeing you cry, it bothered you.

"Beauty, are you alright?" Peter asked against the door, his heart breaking at the sounds of your muffled sobs.

Sirius froze, "shit."

"Yeah, shit. What the fuck Sirius, I know you're bad at reading people but they were showing so many signs. Why do you think we left the class!" James yelled in a hushed tone, so you wouldn't hear him.

"You know Y/N doesn't ever skip class." Remus finished.

"I was just angry and didn't even think." Sirius tried explaining, his heart hurting knowing you were hurting and he made it worse.

After about thirty minutes, you left the bathroom. Peter immediately engulfed you in his arms and whispered praises and little sweet words into your ear trying to comfort you.

Sirius slowly walked towards you, "My love?" You looked up, so he continued, "I'm so fucking sorry. I should have listened before screaming. I was just angry and jealous and felt left out that I reacted rashly. I'm so so so sorry, love."

You quietly and slowly hugged him, "it's alright. I get it, sometimes anger gets the best of us. Next time though, please try to be rational?"

"Yes, oh my god, yes, I will." He muttered hugging you back.

“What’s wrong, bug?” Remus inquires as he swings his leg up to slide under his bum when he’s sitting down beside you in the Gryffindor common room. 

“Nothing,” The lies slip off your tongue in a nonchalant manner as you swirl the spoon through the bowl of oatmeal sitting before you. 

“You’re frowning. Why are you frowning?” The freckled boy questions you once again, turning so that he can fully face you. He reaches up, curling a few strands of hair away from your face and behind your ear. 

“‘M not.” You lie once again, cringing away from his feather-light touch and resuming your swirling. 

“Don’t lie, poppet. Tell me.” Remus muses, thumbing over your cheek despite your visible disgruntled state. 

“Just miss her, s’all.” You mutter under your breath, sorrow bleeding into your heart and squeezing with all its might. 

“Who do you miss, darling?” Remus’ eyebrows furrow in a look of concern as you finally turn to meet his worried gaze, e/c irises sheening with forthcoming tears. 

“M’sister. I know ‘m stuck here ‘n everything, but she’s off at uni, and I can’t see her anymore. I can’t even send her letters; it’s a bloody muggle school.” You mewl out in desperation, leaning forward until your forehead is smearing against his clavicle. 

“You can’t send her letters?” Remus echoes as his palm slides up and down the expanse of your spine. 

“No.” You croak out, freely crying as Remus pulls you onto his open lap. You find immense comfort in his open embrace as he brushes his lips over your brow.

“S’alright then. Guess that means we’re gonna have to apparate every day to see her then, yeah? Pop up at her bed every morning to say g’morning, and then the same every night. See? Problem solved!” The boy quips, pulling a waterlogged bout of laughter from your chest. 

“Yeah, guess so.” You laugh, sniffing audibly as you mull over the reality of the situation you’ve been placed in. 

“Do you think she’ll forget about me?” You ask after a few beats of silence, peering up through your lashes to gauge Remus’ immediate reaction. 

“Forget about you, darling? Who could ever forget about a pretty lil’ thing like you?” Remus cracks a grin, dragging the tip of his left forefinger over the bridge of your nose before tapping at the tip. “You’re ethereal. No one could ever forget you.” 

You allow a few giggles to roll off your tongue as you swat at his bicep. “Stop! ‘M serious!” 

“Hey!” Sirius speaks from across the room, yet not removing his gaze from the book in his grip. “Actually, I’m Sirius.” 

Remus barks out in laughter, but when he sees your pouty expression, his features soften into a look of sympathy. “Baby, she could never forget you. If her heart is as full of love for you as yours is for her, you’ll be with her forever ‘n ever ‘n ever.” He assures you with a hum. 

“You promise?”

“Darling, I promise with my entire heart. She loves you so so much. Promise she’ll never forget you, baby doll. No matter how hard she’s studying, you’ll always be her first thought, just like you are for me.” 

“You really think so?” 

“I know so. Now, c’mon. Let’s write her a letter that your ol’ owl will figure out how to deliver.” 

sirius: i was punished for crying, so i turned my tears into rage bc i couldn’t afford to breakdown in front of reg.

james: i don’t feel like i should cry bc my friends have it much worse than me, so i feel guilty when i do.