This morning I came to the realization that I’ve been laughing at God a lot. Even through my conversations with people about God, I talked as if I’m almost laughing at him. I know it sounds kind of weird but it’s true. My conversations with God nowadays are mostly like:
“God, I need Your help.”
“Okay trust me Kim.”
“(laughs) Okay. I trust you… I think.”
“God, why aren’t you helping me? I need you.”
“Okay trust me Kim.”
“(laughs) Okay okay. I do… I am. I trust you… I think.”
“God, I’m so stuck. Seriously. I need you more than ever.”
“Okay trust me Kim.”
“(laughs) Yo I do! Like I really do. I trust you… I think. I trust… you.”
You’re probably thinking that I’m silly but all this time, when I say that I trust God, I think a part of me is laughing at him. Probably scoffing like: “Yeah right… I trust you but… nothing’s going to happen.” I feel like one of those people who just crowds around Jesus, curious of him but not truly believing in Him. Like in Mark 5:21-42.
Jesus is on his way to heal Jairus’ dead daughter and as he goes, a large crowd follows him. People are touching him everywhere, pressing against him. But one woman, with constant bleeding, touched him and was healed instantly. Like what?! Then Jesus is like: “Who touched my clothes?” (Mark 5:30). Everyone is basically laughing at Jesus, thinking: “Why would you ask such a stupid question? Everyone is touching you right now. What do you mean by ‘Who touched me?’” (LOL). Don’t you think it’s so weird? Everyone is touching Jesus yet only one woman in the whole entire crowd is healed. And Jesus noticed that one woman and says:
“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” – Mark 5:34
The story doesn’t end here. Lets move on. So Jesus got to Jairus’ house and told them that his daughter isn’t dead but just asleep. And what do they do in response?
“But they laughed at him.” – Mark 5:40
They’re probably thinking: “This guy is crazy. The daughter is clearly not moving or breathing… she’s dead. But yet he says she’s asleep?! Like who are you?” (LOL). Again, don’t you think it’s so weird? Every single person sees that the daughter is dead yet Jesus says the opposite. And he immediately takes her hand and says:
“Talitha koum! (which means ‘Little girl, I say to you, get up!’) Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around.” – Mark 5:41-42
Just what is going on?! I think this scenario is exactly me right now. With this transition at church, my heart has been heavy. It saddens me to see our church crumbling down, bit by bit. I pray and ask people to pray for God to help my church. For God to use me in any way. For God to lead us with a kingdom mindset and a heart like His.
Each time, God tells me to trust him and I tell him that I do. But at the end of the day, I don’t. Instead, I laugh at him just like the people who crowded around Jesus.
“God, how can you use me at my church right now? I trust in Your power and will...
… oh, but wait. I’m leaving in a month so I guess I can’t do much.
… oh, but wait. No one wants to be led so I guess we’re not moving forward.
… oh, but wait. We’re all dead anyways so I guess no one wants to do anything.
… oh, but wait. They’re going to make up excuses and not care so I guess there’s nothing to do.”
I see that I’m reaching out and touching Jesus but not actually touching him (if that makes sense). I’m simply reaching out in curiosity to see if God can really do what I heard that he can do but I don’t really fully believe that he actually can do it. I’m secretly laughing in disbelief.
Each time the crowd laughed at him, Jesus stopped and proved to them who he was.
“Your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
“Little girl, I say to you, get up! Immediately, the girl stood up.”
Jesus’ miracles are like a wake-up call to the people who laughed at him. It’s as if he’s saying: “You were laughing just a minute ago. Now look at what I’ve done. This is who I am. I am the Son of God. I am one with my Father. So don’t be afraid; just believe.”
Like what am I doing?! Can I really call myself a believer and a follower… or just a follower who simply follows but doesn’t believe? Shouldn’t my prayers be more like:
“God, how can you use me at my church right now?
… I’m leaving in a month but still use me.
… It feels like no one wants to be led but still use me.
… We’re dying but still use me.
… No one cares but still use me.”
It’s not me that will move this church. It’s not me that will bring the dead back to life. It’s not me that will bring peace and freedom. But it’s You. Use me for your Kingdom. Use me for your glory.
I don’t think I have the right to declare who’s dead or alive. Nor the right to declare who can or can’t be saved. (Although I admit that lately, that is how I’ve been thinking about church and it’s wrong for me to think so). But if Jesus can heal the impossible and bring the dead to life, then hearts of stone and hearts made of old wineskins can be moved and be made new. I know that most of us see the exact same thing right now - a dead church. A church with no future. But Jesus is telling us to “not be afraid; just believe.” It’s a matter of true surrender and to watch our infinite God be all that he says he is.
So dear self and others, are you going to sit there reaching out simply in curiosity and laugh in doubt whenever things seem impossible? Or are you going to reach beyond curiosity and laugh in satisfaction and wonder at what God’s going to do?
