#marbits

idk. i dont think its like. important to me to put a label on what is going on re: me and astarion. but. i do think it is important to address the fear that im going to weird the people around me out by being too into astarion. (this is obviously not the case here on my blog where i post about him at least once every day) i think i need to. be more ok with being weird and offputting bc. this is something i enjoy. i feel genuine human emotions (positive) about this character and it feels really important to me. it is helping me gain insight and change maladaptive behaviors. this is literally not harming or affecting anyone else. objectively there is nothing wrong with this. i think. once again we are back at i need to stop caring what other people think because it's literally not important at all. like what i am doing is not hurting them i am not causing harm there is not a breach of boundaries so there is nothing to atone for. im just being me and thats! ok!!

the more i look at it the more i realize my central flaw is my extreme lack of self confidence

i feel like im still putting the pieces together on this one but i dont usually like being in pain. eg my neck and shoulder hurt rn and it is unpleasant and i wish it would go away. and yet i also fantasize abt someone throwing a brick at my head or bashing one repeatedly into me like it would fix something. like is it just wanting physical release from mental anguish? do i actually WANT that or is it just an alluring idea that i can imagine providing release/catharsis. on the other other hand in my skin picking days nothing hurt so good as peeling skin that wasnt ready from underneath my nails. shit felt AMAZING. i would keep pressing down on the open wound to feel it again. but i hated the pain of walking on raw skin when my feet hadnt healed over yet so like. which is it.

i need to be taken out back and shot for the way that i engage in social interactions