#mar vent

just want mother dearest back . i need a mother right now . a mothers comfort .

sometimes i wish it was easy to explain to people why i’m not good at affection. i wasn’t raised around it, i don’t know how to show it. i barely got any from my own family how am i supposed to give it? how does one show affection?? how does affection show up in the form of an emotion?? sometimes even saying i love you is hard because how do i know if they actually love me back and aren’t just saying it because i said it?

why am i even upset. it shouldn’t matter this much. i’m just stupid.

i think the reason say i love you without actually saying the exact words is because i’m scared to love. ‘i luv you’ ‘luvs ya!’ = i’m too scared to open my heart to you until i know you’re going to stick around. too fearful of abandonment that i won’t shed my cocoon until my environment is prospering and i’m growing into something more golden and pleasant. i could never despise your beauty but i can question your heart,, i’m allowed to be weary and afraid. i’m allowed to be suspicious. my heart strings aren’t guitar strings, you can’t just string them as much as you please, they’re sensitive. don’t touch me don’t start fires on my skin if you’re not going to keep the fire going.