#manofcolour

So I had my top surgery pre op appointment today as i have my procedure tomorrow and I just wanted to talk about how it went incase folks are wondering/want to know what it is like:

I met the patient coordinator who I have been in contact with about regarding my double incision with nipple graft procedure 

I met the doctor who went over consent forms, asked if I had any remaining questions and looked at my chest really briefly

the nurse took side and frontal photographs of my chest so that the doctor can look at it and figure out the formula for where my incisions need to be

Trigger warning i talk about what my mum said out of fear of me transitioning and it is pretty intense around like death stuff.

Trigger Warning brown dad stuff & talk of violence 

I think one of the reasons that I never really thought about Testosterone was an option more so until recently is because of my complicated relationship with my brown dad.

growing up he was violent verbally, physically and emotionally towards me and my sister and my mum. He still is in ways that are emotionally and verbally harmful and it hurts a lot. I have a lot of anger, rightly so and upsetness towards him for how he treated me my mum and my sister growing up

He says misogynistic shit and has very traditional ideas of gender roles and is also stubborn so the combination is just toxic a lot. I was worried that taking Testosterone would mean I might become him or something. That might sounds silly, but for the longest time I really was up until recently. I know I am not my dad at all but like when you grew up with so few male role models in your life and the one person was not the person you saw in yourself, it was definitely what I thought and internalized.

Trigger Warning I talk about: Eggs/reproduction/surgery/pregnancy/options and thoughts about being a trans* non binary brown man who may some day want to use my eggs to have kids or maybe not.

So something that has been on my mind a lot lately is reproduction and shit. I mean I do not desire ever to be pregnant ever. But lately I have been thinking about my eggs. Like I am only 23 years old I don't even know if I want to have kids; I mean I have thought about being a foster parent/adopting in the future but I haven't thought a lot about my eggs because I feel weird that I have them in the first place. But I was thinking about maybe storing my eggs in the future? I mean I am so unsure and I don't care at all about bio when it comes to kids, but I figure even if I don't end up using my eggs maybe someone else could use them. I don't really know where to begin with this. I feel so vulnerable writing about this. I am also aware that talking about this can be really triggering for folks which is why I put the TW. Have folks experienced thinking about this? I am planning to start Testosterone soon so like I am just wondering - If I wanted to store my eggs, what kind of surgery would I need and like would it cost money? I am seeing my doc in a month so I can probably ask them about these things too. It has been really difficult for me to carry these deep and vulnerable thoughts on my shoulders and I really needed to write about it to see if other folks experienced thinking about this. I feel like I am young and like it feels like such a heavy thing to think about. Ugh and this whole eggs thing is so confusing to me because I am just this brown guy. so many feels.