#man talk

1. You are not relying on a woman for household tasks.

2. You can surprise her with new recipes from time to time.

3. If she’s feeling tired or sick, you can serve her and (should you choose to have them) your children.

They did mission work in Central America for a time, before deciding to come back to the US to raise and educate their children. Not long after having my brother, and possibly in my lifetime, my father became the object of a female coworker’s attention. She wished to travel in the same vehicle with him and sleep in the same hotel rooms, with constant flirty behavior. There were (and still are) no state laws for workplace sexual harassment where he had placed his family. However, since the trips in question would have brought them across state lines, he might have been able to lawyer up and sue her for “harassment” in federal court. But he didn’t. Instead, he showed her grace while putting up boundaries, and maintained a completely professional relation with her until she was transferred to a different department and never spoke with him again. Throughout all this, my mother remained the sole object of his affection. He did not have to resort to the nuclear option in order to prove his loyalty to her. This remains my model of both loyalty to one’s spouse and how to deal with colleagues who wish to lure the faithful into sin.

I was late for several milestones due to poisoning in the well water at our house. We do not know what metals caused this; mercury would have manifested differently and lead would have a more permanent effect. Whatever the case, I was misdiagnosed with a developmental delay, and due to the happy accident of Andrew Wakefield’s fraudulent study, I was put on the expensive therapy that is chelation. This would have been around the time my sister was born, and my brother was not even four years old, all in one of the poorest areas of the US. Dad had to pick up two jobs just to keep us afloat. Because he agreed to marry Mom under the condition that she homeschooled, her picking up a full-time job was out of the question. I have seen many men in similar situations have affairs or develop addictions. Dad did neither. He was irritable, and took it out on us maybe a few too many times, as he was never taught how to properly handle his anger. I would not, however, describe his behavior as abusive, and he has never once hit Mom. All things considered, he was under pressures far more immense than I can even conceptualize. He modeled loyalty to my mother, respect for the particulars of his marriage covenant, kindness to his family, and devotion to his calling during a period of great sanctification.

Eventually he found a job that would keep all five of us fed and allow him to pay off his remaining debts. Mom developed various spending and saving habits to make sure that we could survive if anything ever occurred to bring them back to a previous state. Various other female colleagues would make advances on him, but he spoke in a manner bordering on obsession about “the Mrs.” and how wonderful of a woman she actually was. They had arguments, some quite heated, but he took the words of Paul the Apostle seriously, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” He never promised not to get angry, or even to avoid an explosive temper, but when he realized the damage he had done, he worked to make things right with those whom he had wronged. He modeled regret, remorse, and justice.

Eventually, after all of us were grown, my dad “quit.” That is legally what happened, anyway. In reality, two people my mom unabashedly describes as sociopaths came to view Dad as an enemy, and backstabbed him. He decided to quit and take the stipend before they had time to mar his resume. I was a semester and some change from graduating and my brother was already completely moved out, but my sister was a few years away from completing her degree and my mom had not worked in almost twenty years. He spent a good five months looking for work, which put him in a panic, wondering how to feed and house Mom and put my sister through the rest of her time at school. He did and said some crazy things. At the end of it, he was able to relax after finding a job that was suitable for his needs. Though he was not stable during that time, his foremost concern was my mom and sister. This was the most recent major test of his quality as a husband and father, and he definitely proved himself worthy. It was fortunately a remote job, as he got it about three weeks after news stories hit of a virus spreading from Wuhan, China. He has kept the same job since, being able to eventually move himself and my mom back to their hometown, living out their lives as empty-nest gulfrats (self-described), and they would not be happier any other way.

Through his thirty-two years as a husband and twenty-seven as a father, Dad had some vices, but he modeled far more virtues. If I get married one day, I will ask his advice often, and already have in order to be the best prospective husband I could be in previous relationships. If I have children of my own, I will ask his advice often, and though my parenting style will not be the exact same, I will take what worked and apply it.