I may be caught in a bind. 

It does not matter. The time has not come yet.

My work is not finished.

I’m almost there. Only a handful of days. My research is finally bearing fruit. Still, I see them, lurking in the shadows. Police officers, asking questions. Jealous people. And a very, very nosy intern who thinks she’s above everything else.

I do not resent them. They do what they think is just. Yet, every time I leave the hospital, these last few days, I’m asking myself. Am I still a free man ? Not for long.

I’m not scared of them. Nor am I scared of any form of punishment. It’s not worth thinking about when every second is dedicated to the pursuit of a better mankind.

Today, one of my colleagues told me everything was ready for Egill. We did a battery of tests on him. He was very brave, very calm. We checked everything, twice. We’ll need a biopsy later. For now, one thing is certain.

He’ll live.

He’ll live and we did it.

It puts a smile on my face.

When I go to Doctor Kozakios, she is smiling too. Even singing. The entire hospital is in a strange mood. Because, one after another, they realize I was right. After a handful of years, a lifetime of research, I've got something that works. A method which could save millions.

My smile is short-lived.

I call Jarghalsaikhan. He doesn’t answer.

I call Herbert. He tells me he does not feel well, but he’s very happy for me. I thank him for his work, tell him to take care of himself.

When the night falls slowly in the hospital, I get to my desk, start writing. So many years of notes, of research, of scribbles. More autopsy reports than I could think of. Twice as many corpses that were cut open without anyone knowing. What are ethics to dying patients ? 

When I look at the window, I hear the sirens.

Only a few minutes. And I’ll become a fading legend.

Fitting.

****

I look outside, through the window. It’s such a nice day. Oh well, it was such a nice day. Soon I’ll be night. Because finishing work at almost 10 PM is my life, now, and you know what ? It’s not that awful of a life.

Sure. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Between Salem and her problems, my love life which is, to say the least, a mess, and Doctor Malchys being more and more insufferable, I thought I was a goner.

But since the beginning of the week, everything seems to get better. Doctor Malchys gives us paid leave days from time to time. It helped me reconnect with my daugthers. One of them doesn’t seem like she wants to run away from home. Anymore. I got back in contact with an old friend, Kage. And I finally settled things with Ether yesterday.

And by that I mean we had a pretty fiery night. One I cannot evoke in my thoughts without feeling shame.

Shame for the disrespect upon my late husband, whom I thought he was the only one I could love.

Shame for my position, as a chief of service, sleeping with an intern might not be the best idea, even though the both of us are consenting adults.

Shame for the way Salem greeted me this morning, with a slight smile and eyes too calm to be true.

Shame for my faith, for the way the Lord might have head me scream last night.

But, for the first time in a very long time, I think…My smile is stronger than my shame. Because I lashed out every frustration. And now I know I work for the good of humanity.

Those late sessions with Doctor Malchys, cutting open bodies, were not in vain.

We might have found something brilliant. A revolutionary technique to cure cancer. Oh, yes, it worked on one person, doesn’t mean it will work on everyone, but it was so…fresh. To see the good our work could provide.

Being the morgue’s chief is not a job to get thanks. Nor gifts.

Nobody likes the idea you touched their loved ones in death. I think I understand that.

Well, It’s no matter now. In a few minutes, my day will be finished, and I’ll get home. Maybe watch a movie with my daughters, or maybe I’ll watch it alone. Nevertheless, I’ll like it. Maybe a bit more with them.

It feels good to have my family back.

The sun finishes it’s setting. I know Doctor Malchys will stay here for a few more hours. With him, the guard. Mister Mercier, whom I encountered a few days ago at a meeting with Doctor Malchys and seemed like a very patient and good man, will surely be with him. It’s a good thing.

Maybe I should ask for an assistant, or a nurse. Someone to keep me company.

Or maybe I could try to go back to psychiatry ? Surely, there will be more people to discuss with there than in the morgue.

Ether must really have a big influence on me. Before this fateful night, I would’ve never dreamt of going back to psychiatry. It’s been so long. I wasn’t ready, sure, but now, I’m a new woman. And the hurt of a few people shall never prevent me from helping them.

A slight smile appears on my face as I leave my desk. The night is young, sure. By the time I get home, I fear Nru will be already asleep. As Cassandra, well…She might be away. A night on the town, as she calls it. Only yesterday did I understand this meant having not-so-faithful relationships behind my back. Yet I cannot blame her, that would be...quite hypocritical, given my current situationship.

What are we, Ether and I ?

Girlfriends ?

I guess.

I chuckle. Oh, Lord, am I becoming a young girl again ? That’s so strange, looking at myself in a corridor mirror. When have I ever have a smile that big ? Surely, the last time I loved.

That might be my problem.

Talking about corridors, they’re almost empty, at this hour. The night is still young, but the hospital never sleeps. I greet the other doctors. They stare at me, greet me back. I’m not sure they liked it. I mean, it must be pretty disturbing, with me being…Awful, most of the time.

Whenever I’m alone in one of those corridors, I have a little jump.

Feels good to be alive.

But while I’m almost at the entrance, I hear sirens. Police, sirens. What is happening ? I rush towards the secretary, behind his desk, looking at the entrance where three people in police uniform enter. A few patients, in the hub, seems distraught at this sight, but no one moves.

I recognize one of those policemen. It’s the one who was snooping around those last few weeks. Sigismund Warsowar, something like this ? His gaze is…extremely serious. Stern, even.

My instincts tell me to run away. But I get to the desk nonetheless as the police officers arrive.

Their eyes points towards me.

I feel something strange.

Fear.

What is happening ?

- It’s good to see you there, miss Kozakios, says one of the policemen.

- May I help you ? I ask, my voice trembling a little.

How do they know my name ? Why am I so scared ?

What is happening ?

- Yes. Follow us, please, says Sigismund Warsowar, his stern look pointed right at me.

- Me ?

- Yes, miss Kozakios. You. Please, do not make a scene.

I do not understand. My mind is swirling with thoughts. But I follow them nonetheless.

The secretary at the entrance is looking at me like I’m the devil.

No one around lifts a finger.

I feel strange. Like in a dream.

I look behind me.

Doctor Malchys is staring at me from the corridor. He seems. Calm. Too calm. Why isn’t he saying anything ? What is happening ?

We leave the entrance. One of the policemen tells me to get my hands behind my back. I hear a click. Feel metal around my wrists. They lead me to a car. I follow without a word.

The door is opened. I’m shoved inside.

Someone is sat beside me.

My friend Kage.

He’s not handcuffed at all. He has a…strange smile on his face. A very sad smile.

- What…is happening ? I utter, still under the shock.

- You’re under arrest, maam, says one of the policemen while getting in the car. Anything you say might be used against you. You have the right to an attorney.

- Why ? Why am I under arrest ?

Sigismund looks at the other policemen. Then stares right back at me.

- Miss Kozakios, for the illegal experimentations on human bodies, the extortion of money from an illegal source, and other various offenses, you’re under arrest. Is that better ?

I dare not to talk back.

What is happening ?

Why is it happening ?

…

…

I’m so sorry. Cassandra. Nru. Salem.

Ether.

I’m so sorry.

"Doctor, you need to see this."

Most people know me as "Doctor". Few dare to use my name, Malchys. Fewer know it's only my surname, that I have a name behind it, one I have forsaken so long ago.

I am not a sentimental. It was merely a calculus on my part, a way to attract the social services' pity.

Before anything else, I am a man of rationality and science. Because nothing great came to this world without science. I need an enigma to solve, and in oncology, I found one.

Is it possible to cure even the most desperate cases ?

Not necessarily fatal ones.

My only friend helped me discover this. He has had a cancer in his prostate for the last twenty years. Nothing too important, but he couldn't get rid of it, even though he tried, oh so hard.

He's not an isolate case.

This disease is the number one cause of death in this country. Thousands die to it every year. The perfect enigma, a disease that is not, thousands of symptoms, thousands of causes.

I've searched for an answer for so long.

Is it possible to cure even the most desperate cases ?

This one is named Egill. He is pretty lively, for someone in his condition. He accepted to try my treatment, knowing he had no other choice. Whatever horror life throws at him, he carried on. I can only admire such a spirit.

I thought he would be another sacrifice on the road to success.

That's why I asked my colleague, doctor Mercier, to run a few check-ups in preparation for his death. Mercier is a strange case. He should have retired something like ten years ago, but he carried on. Just like me. We work the same hours, the same sleepless nights.

But he's even worse than me to comfort patients.

"What is it, Mercier ?" I ask with my usual neutral tone.

I raise my eyes to look at him. The man looks like an old piece of cardboard that would have been eaten a few times by a dog. That's how he describes himself.

I have never seen such awe in his eyes.

"The results for Egill Lulea are here. You won't believe it."

He places a few radios, scintigraphies on sampled cells, even an MRI, on the table. Every possible imagery devices are used to control how the tumours are evolving.

His lungs. Where is his metastasis ?

I look at Mercier. He has a big, dumb, idiotic smile.

"We had the good idea. Trying to stop the tumours with chimio, pair it with a genetic therapy using a bio-engineered virus worked tremendously !"

"Don't enjoy yourself too much."

I say that while feeling my hands starting to shake. We have cured the metastasis faster than ever recorded before. If we carry on like that...Maybe we'll be able to cure Egill completely.

Those last fifteen year finally start to make sense.

"Please, Malchys, this deserves a toast !"

I take a good look at him again. He doesn't know about what some may consider my "unethical research". As if ethics have ever saved anyone.

These results are pretty good. Almost too good to be true.

"I want to see Egill first. Tell him the good news. I think we're from a fifty percent survival chance to maybe..."

"We don't have any statistics of this, Malchys, stop trying to resume it in probabilities !"

The older man gets the files back, puts them in a big folder. Egill is one patient, and his recovery is staggering, but that doesn't mean my treatment is working perfectly.

I'll need more of Kozakios for the next few weeks.

But for the time being...

"You're right, Herbert. This deserves a toast. Get Kozakios, Kalvorys and Sans-Honneur. We'll continue monitoring this situation until we have a definitive answer."

He leaves the room with a huge smile, almost jumping to the roof. This man has been, for a time, my mentor, but the student always ends up better than the master.

I look at the reports again.

Is it really working ?

Have I found a way to save them ?

....

It's a strange feeling, to feel at all.

This excitation.

This....impatience.

I guess a smile doesn't hurt. Even on my tired face. It hurts a bit to use those muscles. But it's a special day.

Most of the time, when I offer a patient a smile, it's not that genuine.

Sometimes, I truly hate my job.

It's been a while since the incidents with Fenrir and Domhildr. Now she's my girlfriend, and everything is going very well. I let her other boyfriend, Tyr, go to Qamar's marriage, it didn't bothered her too much.

But now that this marriage has ended, it's a hard return to the real world.

Commissar Walpurgis asked us to come to his desk. A new investigation, for our duo. Something that "might interest you both".

"You know the hospital we got you in after the demonstration in front of the town hall? Well, it's partially owned by one of the doctors here. Mister Malchys."

Fenrir seemed to be angry. Don't like that you're being relieved of our patrols? I thought you hated them?

To be honest, I still don't know if we are friends or nemesi. In a way, it's a brand new type of relationship and i woul be very happy to explore it if it wans't for the remarks, the anger, and, I blame myself for this, the resentment between us both.

"See, there has been rumours about this Malchys. He's a very good, if not the best, oncologist there is in the country. But his methods are quite unconventionnal."

I knew I remembered that name from somewhere. Domhildr told me about him. That his brother is being healed by this man.

"He's quite popular amongst the patients. But when we started doing research for the sect's case, we dived into a lot of strange arrangements between this Malchys and other people in the hospital. It seems this man is using illegally acquiered funds to research causes of cancer."

Domhildr calls him a modern saint.

I remember seing Fenrir sigh and grit his teeth, learning that. But he didn't say anything. Not in front of Walpurgis. This man still terrifies us both.

"Now it shouldn't be our top priority, but 'ow that the sect' s trial is now in motion, we need to make sure we've got every part of the story. This one in particular. If this Malchys is truly a money laundering fiend, I want him behind the bars, him and his accomplices. Being a genius doesn't make him above the law. "

It's true. In fact, after this, he asked us if we wanted to be part of the investigation, with the coroner, mister Shuuvu. Apparently we already have quite a lot of leads, even a few witnesses.

It's a test of character for the both of us, I'm quite sure of it.

Am I enough to withstand it?

"Sigi it's.... It's my brother."

Her voice is broken. I can sense her tears through the raspy tone of a phone call. We're friday evening, Domhildr called to tell me why she cannot come like we agreed to.

"His cancer... I don't know the word, but it got worse. In the l-lungs and the B-bones."

I can picture her perfectly. Holding the phone close to her heart, her breathing so, so awful to hear, all congested.

"They say they cannot do anything... Every one of them, useless fuckers... Except Malchys. He says he might have an i-idea on how to s-save him...please, please, Sigi... If you go to the hospital can you... Ask him how we can help or something?"

....

"I'll ask him. Stay safe, Domhildr. I love you."

My days are always the same. That's why i prefer the nights.

I wake up in my laboratory. I know I have a room, but getting out seems like so much effort I would rather stay in the same room and study all night.

Sarovar told me I use too much candles. He didn't seem to be bothered when it's the religious bunch, with their incense that intoxicate my lungs.

Typical day. I wake up, resume my studies. Looking at the window, i see big clouds coming from the east. Maybe a storm is going to hit the Fort. Maybe i'll be dead by tomorrow.

Or maybe it's just another boring day.

The kid stops by. Tries to talk a bit, he calls me father, sometimes, it brings a smile to my face. He is cute, trying to understand what I do, saying when he'll grow up, he'll be my assistant.

The priest stops by. He looks at me with a mix of disgust and contempt. I do not care enough to be sad or angry, such feelings diseappeared years ago. He need me, and so, even the skies are not threatening to me anymore.

The duke stops by. He looks calmer than usual, more composed. He even tries to smile at me. We both know his smile is even rarer than his words. Sarovar is a man of action. A man of power. I tend to stay away from such men, most of the time.

The warrior stops by. I heard he is "the mayor", now, but after seeing him on the battlefield, i cannot think of him as a politician or a merchant. He is a warrior, clad in black armor, with those eyes that have seen too much. He never wants to answer my questions. That's a shame.

The lady stops by. She thinks she is pregnant. Asks me how she should tell the duke. She thinks the child is his. I didn't know they were sleeping together, but the way she tells me this, i suppose it's common knowledge.

The guards stops by. Tells me to get some sleep. That I worry them, sometimes. That I work too much. I don't really see it like this. I have no time to waste.

Before I realize the clouds have masked the sun for the entire day, it's almost night. So I eat my daily meal alone, as always. I am not someone who finds solace in the company of others, per se.

They come to me because they feel pity. They worry that I might die of loneliness. But I love this place. I truly love it.

All of the jars are so well ordained it soothes my mind.

Maybe it's the reason why I don't like people. When they're here, for the sake of social peace, I need to hide the jars, the instruments, everything. By the time everyone has stopped to greet me, forcing me to hide everything. Every. Time. The day is already over.

I like the night.

When the night is right, i can open the curtains.

I can look at all those well-ordained jars.

The organs floating in them.

The blood vials where my samples lay dormant.

The corpses I open and close all day long.

Today, opening the curtains, I see three eyes I had left the night before. Now, being all diminished and sadly looking at me, I can only interpret them as supposed to make me feel guilty.

Three pitiful eyes, why should I feel this way ?

You're just more clues to understand the mystery of life.

While I take them off the shelves and pu them in their own jar, I feel a faint smile agitating my lips.