#magicaeimparts

Then there was big personal (familial) drama, which I'm usually aligned with the philosophy of being open and honest as sharing my experience(s) could help others feel less alone, but I don't think this blog is the place for that (and Idk, it wouldn't sit right with me to only share my biased perspective, even if I tried my darndest to remain fair). Sorry, I hope y'all understand. I'll just say it's generational daddy issues in here; I'm sure that painted enough of a picture. I'm good, I'm fine, I'm safe; it's the same cycles of behavior that I've been dealing with basically my entire life, so nothing new🤷‍♂️. It just vastly caught me off guard since I thought this time we finally saw eye-to-eye and he actually took me seriously for once, but nah, that was too big of a wish I guess. Go figure that's what'll happens when you deal with an emotionally constipated man-child who doesn't know what accountability is and more than likely doesn't want to change out of fear either.

The reason why my break started (which y'all already know) was because in April I simply just had way too many papers to get done, then after May, I gave myself a break to decompress after my finals finished. Turns out that "break" hasn't ended yet, as you all are well aware with the tumbleweed silence in this blog😭. I actually wanted to come back sometime by mid-June, and I actually was making some progress on the Kiss and Make Up Series: Part One fic (think it's about < 2k words so far? iirc), but then an overwhelming amount of life hit me all at once.

First, I am going to be applying for my Master's in the upcoming Fall semester. It feels so sudden (because it is), and I realized I was so unprepared in every sense of the word, so I put my writing to the side and got to the only thing that'll soothe my overthinking mess of a mind: researching and organizing. If anyone has ever tried looking into a Master's program, just to see what you could possibly be getting yourself into, it ain't fun in the slightest bit. Not to say universities/colleges make it difficult to find on purpose (although I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case🫩), but there's for sure a learning curve in knowing what keywords to use when Googling this stuff. And holy, there's an overwhelming amount of text and too many webpages open for a single program to comb through, but it also doesn't feel like enough information either😭. I digress, by the near end of June I had enough of that, and have a much clearer idea on what the process is going to be like and where and what I should be applying to (which I don't want to give credit to the current state of the world💀, but it's definitely helped knowing how shit everything is and how I need to be playing things safe rather than do too much and commit to more than I should be (even though my academic advisor is really pushing for me to jump ahead and apply to a Doctorate program... he'll understand I'm sure)). I'm sure I'll be totally fine be fine now when I cross the rest of the bridge later🫠.

Sometime between mid-June to really last week to be honest, I was also completing my semi-annual spiral with my sexuality:). It's always fun, and it isn't like I begin anew at the same loop of conversation every time because I compared myself too much to others:). Literally come back to the same conclusion in the end and everything: still gay (that's never changing), and still roughly 90% sure that I'm also demisexual🤷‍♂️. Y'all, remember that everyone's "normal" is different and that should be the recognized standard since we ain't meant to be one and the same. I know this is a controversial quote, but:

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

- Theodore Roosevelt

I also started my Summer part-time in the 2nd week of July. Apart from it being slightly unorganized, it's actually been really helpful for giving me back some semblance of structure that I so desperately crave. That's been a nice positive :).

And lastly, I finally, finally, finally found out that all these "headaches" I've been getting nearly daily (during the worst periods throughout the years) for 8-9 years have actually been migraines... which, technically they were also chronic migraines (at least during those absurd periods). And, I only found out because I at last gave in and went to an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist, where I found out (after getting a CT scan) that both my septums are deviated (like a 5/10 in badness), but I don't have sinusitis as the inflammation in my nose is very minor (like a 2/10). However, the doc did circle back to the jaw pain I noted as actually being a product of my right temporomandibular joint being pointed - it's supposed to be shaven/rounded, meaning that I'm more sensitive to pressure or tension against/within my face. This is what my doc inferred is causing my endless migraines. So, now I finally got migraine medication (that I'm still testing to see if it's for me), and I'm also trying to take it a step further by ridding some of my poor sleeping habits. Y'all, stomach sleeping is so bad for you if you don't have the correct pillow😭. And even with the appropriate pillow, the diaphragm isn't fully allowed to expand, leading to not entering deep and/or REM sleep (causing sluggishness, not feeling rejuvenated, and possibly even minor headaches)!! Who would've known all this, because I for sure didn't😭, but now years too late I feel like I can teach class on sleep, sleeping habits, and the good & bad that come with how one sleeps. From all this though, I'm trying to be proactive and re-train my body to sleep on my side (doing the whole shabang by hugging a pillow to my chest to create that same "safe" pressure feeling that I'm accustomed to/my body/psyche need to feel relaxed to enter sleep, and have a pillow between my legs so I don't roll back over onto my stomach and cause strain/keep blood circulating), but it also means my sleep has been tanking a few hits too😭 (which isn't new by any means😭).

There's probably more that I'm forgetting about, but it wasn't like I wanted to get into the nitty-gritty anyway (this is already long enough). By all means, this isn't meant to get me any sympathy or take any of the blame away for not posting for so long, because there have been moments when I am absolutely blowing my time off and choosing not to write; however, I chose to post my work on this very interactive and very public hellsite for a reason, and now it's bigger than me. And even if writing is one of my fun little hobbies, I am also responsible to y'all who chose to support me (to an extent, of course, this is still my blog and I still hold the reins).

But all of this is finally one less cretin looming over my head. And since you got this far, you can know that I'm feeling pretty confident that I will start posting again in August :DD (gonna be real rusty but I've gotta get over the hurdle somehow after so long). Wish I could have been completing all this positive personal development, AND also write, but on most days it was just too much and there are only so many hours in a day.