#madetobe

The choices you made affected me as a child and then now as an adult. First let me say everything is not your fault, but it for sure starts with you. I’m writing this letter because its time that I release all the anger pain and hurt and finally move on with my life.

As I’m writing this letter, I see myself as an infant, a beautiful baby that was brought into this world by surprise. My mother was 40 when she had me. Let her tell it she was 39. I see a little baby, and in her mind she is thinking what the hell am I doing here? Why do I do i feel like someone does don’t want me but everyone around me loves me?

I then see a little girl, maybe around 7 years of age. She’s running to the front door after hearing the door bell. She knows its her father. She opens the door and jumps into his arms. Her father was very surprised because she has never done anything like this before. Confused as he was something in him didn’t receive that love. It was pure and innocent. She believed her father was some type of hero, but at that point she felt the spirit of rejection.

I then see another girl. This girl is 14 years of age. She hasn’t seen her father since puberty started. She sees him at a funeral of a family member. She sees him walk out of the church and follows him. She calls him as she knows him ‘Daddy’. He turns around looks, continues to walk. She yell’s “daddy” again. He then looks and pauses and says “Jordana.... I didn't recognize you”.

That 14 year old finally gets home and cries her eyes out and tries to figure out why her own father didn’t recognize her. Her mind could not comprehend and all questions of why.. weigh heavy on her mind.

Why was he not around? he must of didn’t want me.

How can he help raise someone else’s daughter?

How come he does not want me? how come he does not love me?

What did I do? what did my mother do?

The void was present in her life. The super hero was no longer what she thought, as a little girl. The void continued to set in her heart, along with pain, hurt and rejection.

Subconsciously she goes along with her life looking for something to feel the void. Time after time she looked for the super hero. A total of 37 times.

37 times of mental break downs

37 times of obsessive thoughts

37 times of giving herself spiritually, emotionally, and physically to someone who would in the end reject her.

I’ve looked for my father 37 times but never found him.

But why wasn’t I good enough 37 times? I guess I wasn't pretty enough. Maybe I said something wrong. I guess I'm not smart enough. I guess nobody cares about me. So fuck the world. oh yea fuck my mom. fuck school. fuck my life.

Suicide seemed like the answer. 2x i was committed in the psych-ward. I didn’t even finish high school on time because i was out looking for you. I treated my mom like shit because of your absence.

AGAIN 37 fucking times. maybe more.

Until about a year ago I didn’t believe your choice of being absent from my life affected me. I don’t even think about you, and I don’t even talk to you. There is no father daughter relationship between us and never really has been. Until someone said to me something “He still you father” and this is why you have been through the definition of insanity 37 times.

I then had to look at myself and accept that fact that I have daddy issues. The subconscious has finally came to the conscious.