As a white leftist, if you believe what you owe to the black people in your community, or the mad people of colour in your community is the same as what they owe to you, you are gravely mistaken and not nearly as self reflective as you might think you are.
Choosing to be in community with black people, choosing to be in community with mad people of colour, means choosing every single day to recognize your privilege before dumping the responsibility of upkeeping you onto underprivileged people that already need to survive through so so much more than you do. And that's not undermining the systemic issues you might face, there is literally just a responsibility to able to actually bring forth the reparations the left is always talking about. As a much lighter person of colour with class privilege, I AM INCLUDED IN THIS.
Your expectations of black people and mad people of colour producing comfort for your sake is not valid as the discomfort does not cause you any harm or danger aside from indigestible feelings of being challenged, which is not dangerous.
That black person that's trying to give you criticism? Instead of begging them for grace, pay them for educating you. That mad person of colour that you keep expecting to no longer be disabled, while using them for virtue points? Leave them fucking alone until you undo your ableism. This grace is not something you are allowed to expect back from those less privileged. As a white person with so much undone work, you ARE the oppressor. You are fundamentally in a hierarchical position within the system that perpetuates the harm which requires and will continue to require so much reparation in return.
Your discomfort, your victimhood and whatever else makes you feel small exists on a completely different scale of privilege than the violent victimization of black and mad people of colour. Once you start conflating your discomfort as a white person with a black person's accurately assessed material possibility of being judicially murdered, you have lost the fucking plot.
When something a black person says pisses you off, when something a mad person of colour says pisses you off, sit down with those feelings instead of immediately reacting. Allow the thoughts and conversation to play in your head over and over again until you reach a conclusion that does not center you and your discomfort around your privilege. Even if it takes days of constant mental repetition of the exchanges you shared. Analyze your reactions and responses and question what you're fighting and what you're fighting for.
