#m's fics

Five had taken to walking around the city at night when he couldn’t sleep. It helped. His nightmares were focused on the lifeless apocalypse, grey and ashy and dead. Walking through the city allowed him to hear the life still happening, the people still living. It couldn’t silence the nightmares — Five didn’t think anything would be able to — but it did allow him to push them back, make them a future Five’s issue.

He really enjoyed it when it rained. In all the years he spent alone, in the future, it had never rained. The only thing that ever came from the sky was ash.

So tonight, thunder rumbling in the distance and lightning brightening the way, Five was wandering the city. The bare bones of it, he could still recognize. There was the bank where the Umbrella Academy first debuted; here was the library where he found Vanya’s book; that was where he found the most cockroaches for dinner. As he was walking, he was teaching himself what it looked like now. Where the best coffee was; the places still open late at night that didn’t ask questions about his age; where the gardens and small forests were. He enjoyed his late nights as much as he could.

He was just passing by the alleyway next to the bakery with the best pretzels he’d ever had when he heard the whinging. He abruptly stopped to listen, trying to figure out what he’d heard and where it came from. Five was just about to continue walking when he was rushed. He froze, incredulous, but yes — that was a puppy now chewing on his shoelaces. It was a small thing, barely bigger than his shoe and it was covered in dirt, its fur long and matted. He frowned bemusedly down at it, gently shaking his leg but it gripped his shoe tight and was lifted into the air. Giving a small huff of laughter, he reached down and removed the puppy from his shoe. Placing it back on the ground, Five moved to continue his walk.

He had barely taken a step before the puppy rushed him again. Five paused in disbelief.

“Scrappy little thing, aren’t you?”

He crouched down, the puppy scrambling away a little, and reached out his hand. He allowed the dog to come to him, slowly as it was going, not wanting to rush it. It was just barely brushing his hand when a large rumble of thunder shook the sky, prompting the little thing to scurry into his arms pushing him backward. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the wet sidewalk with his lap full of the surprisingly brave animal. He knew he was getting dirty, mud now covering his legs from both the ground and the animal but he didn’t care.

“Oh, you’re absolutely filthy aren’t you?”

It only took a couple of seconds of thought but soon he was standing up, puppy in tow. He had made the decision. He was getting a dog.

“I think I’m gonna call you Mr. Pennycrumb. It’s a good name. And you’ll soon have a good home — it’s big and there’s a backyard for you to play in. You’ll like it,” Five continued to murmur to his new dog, calming it down and distracting it from the increasingly loud thunder, doing his best to shield it from the rain coming down.

Only a couple of blocks away from the Academy he saw a 24-hour store and changed his path. He knew there were things he would need to gather in order to care for a dog. The store wouldn’t have the best supplies but it would be enough for the night.

Grabbing a basket with one hand, he stared down at Mr. Pennycrumb. A thoughtful frown grew on his face as he made a mental list. He knew he’d need dog food, bowls for food and water, shampoo, a dog brush, and a collar. Five decided he’d also pick up something as a treat for Mr. Pennycrumb — he could use it as a bribe to get it to stay still during the bath that would soon be taking place.

After collecting his goods, Five finished his journey home. He slowly crept his way up the stairs, not wanting to wake any of his siblings. He’d Jump but he didn’t want to scare the puppy anymore than it already was.

When he finally got to a bedroom with an attached bathroom, he closed and locked the bedroom door before moving to the bathroom. Placing Mr. Pennycrumb in the sink, he set down his grocery store haul, closed and locked the bathroom door, then shuffled over to the tub. He allowed it to fill only a little before retrieving his dog from the sink and gently lowering (checking quickly) him into the warm water.

Mr. Pennycrumb froze as soon as his feet touched the water but as soon as Five let him go, the dog was scrambling to get out. Within seconds, Five and the surrounding area were soaked with water and Mr. Pennycrumb was scratching at the door, whinging to get out.

The sigh Five let out was deep and true, questioning all the choices he’d made tonight. He collected his dog, tightening his grip on the desperately squirming animal, and resolutely placed him back in the water. He left his hands in the water, trying to calm Mr. Pennycrumb down.

It worked, allowing him to lather the shampoo into the matted fur. It took him longer than he’d admit to literally anyone but he finally got the water to run clear and the brush to run smooth. It was an involved process that left everything in the bathroom, including himself, soaked but it was done.

His first good look at Mr. Pennycrumb left him in awe. He was still so small but his fur was a golden color, soft and silky to the touch. He also had the floppiest ears Five had ever seen. He slipped on the deep blue collar and lifted the dog from the tub. Wrapping Mr. Pennycrumb up in a towel, he left everything but the food and bowls in the bathroom — he’d come and clean it up tomorrow.

Now finally tired, he moved to his bedroom. He knew he still had a lot to be sorted out but like his nightmares, that was a problem for a future Five.

He set Mr. Pennycrumb on his bed, changed into his dry pajamas, and laid down with his dog. He had a feeling he’d have a peaceful sleep tonight.

*

Allison was worried. She knew she shouldn’t be. Five was decades older than her and a seasoned assassin besides but he was still her little brother and it was in her nature to worry. She had woke up last night, absently panicked that something had happened while she was unconscious, and went to check up on her siblings. It was all normal until she opened up the door to Five’s room and found it empty.

She had taken a deep breath and told herself he was responsible enough that she didn’t need to wake everyone to form a search party. However, Allison told herself she’d check first thing in the morning to see if he’d gotten home.

She was glad she did. It was the most adorable sight she’d seen in a while. Five was curled up on his side, sheltering a puppy in between his arms next to his heart.

She squealed silently to herself and immediately left to wake up the rest of her brothers and sister. They had to see this for themselves or they’d never believe it.

The 6 of them huddled together in the doorway before Klaus laughed.

“Oh my god! He’s such a softie! Awwwwwwe.”

They had a moment of silence, Five blinking at them in confusion before his puppy licked his face. His face hardened and Allison knew they were done for. That face spelled disaster. The rest of them felt it too and they ran.

That morning, Allison had picked up Claire from the airport — Patrick was apparently shooting some sort of documentary in Africa over the summer and didn’t want to leave Claire with somebody in LA or take her with him. Thus Allison got temporary custody while Patrick was away.

Mom was over the moon, loving the chance to meet her granddaughter. Klaus and Ben were almost as excited and Five knew that Vanya and Diego were quietly eager as well, all of them counting down the day until they met their niece. Luther had flown out with Allison earlier in the year for Allison’s court hearing and got to meet Claire in California.

Five was mostly indifferent. He had never interacted with kids before and didn’t really care to now. He remembered what absolute brats his siblings were at that age — even Vanya  — and he didn’t want to get mixed up in that nonsense again. He figured he’d be there to greet Allison and meet Claire and then find ways to not be at the Mansion for most of the summer.

It was a solid plan. He just didn’t account for the rest of his siblings. He was working in Dad’s old office — the seven of them had gone to town on the room, breaking everything in sight, even starting some small fires (Klaus) that were very quickly put out. Afterward, they had given Five the room and told him to do things dad wouldn’t be proud of. Five ignored what Klaus was implying with that statement (that was paired with a pair of waggling eyebrows) and gladly moved into the study.

He had planned on working on his equations to get his adult body back— he had hoped to get them done before the new year but as he sat squished into a child’s chair, sipping at imaginary tea he saw those plans go up in smoke. Five knew — to the bottom of his soul — that he wasn’t going to be able to avoid his family this summer.

“Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to stay. I have work to be doing and this is not going to help.” Five was dead set on leaving this ridiculous thing.

“Oh, what are you working on Uncle Five?”

“I need to finish my quantum equation so that I may return to my adult body. It’s work that’s far beyond the intelligence of anyone currently living in this house.”

“That sounds amazing!” Claire’s voice was appropriately amazed.

Claire was absolutely brilliant and he couldn’t let his dumbass siblings mess that up. Obviously that meant he’d have to be more involved in her plans during the summer to run interference against his brothers. He knew, he just knew, that their idiocy would spread and he couldn’t have that.

Klaus was muttering about princesses and dragons and magic...Five narrowed his eyes and quietly began to make plans on how to limit Claire’s exposure to him. That sort of nonsense was ok — barely — in small doses but Klaus was not a small dose and with him not working...Klaus was going to be a problem.

There was a loud crash followed by yelling and cursing and Five frowned. It was Luther and Diego in the foyer and he didn’t even want to begin imagining what kind of bad habits they could impart on Claire, the fools. He distinctly remembered a phone call threatening a defenseless old woman because those morons thought she had killed Elliot. Which reminded him, he needed to figure out what languages Claire spoke so he could help fill it out with more practical languages. Five guessed she might have Spanish and French, but he had a list of languages that would be more useful to know.

Ben’s laughter grew as Luther and Diego’s cursing did and Five mentally crossed him off his list. Ben had spent too long with only Klaus to talk to — he couldn’t be trusted to make good choices. He might be a good partner on some trips though, isolate him from their brothers.

A selection from the Phantom of the Opera grew louder in response to the nonsense happening in the foyer and Five grinned. He’d have to get Vanya on board with his plans — musical ability was high on the list of things Claire should know and it would be helpful to have an ally in his fight. Claire might even ask for lessons herself if he talked about it in the right way.

Allison...might be an issue. Five was planning on hogging her daughter — but he remembers the fights for the bathroom and the sharp pains of Allison’s elbows. He didn’t need a reminder from her this summer. Nor was he going to allow that sort of senseless violence to come from Claire. Instead, he wanted to nurture a more targeted violence. Claire looked like she had inherited Allison’s pointed elbows and Five had plans for those things. Plans.

Five dove deeper into his thoughts, all but ignoring every happening around him.  

*

“Do you think he knows we can hear him?” Diego didn’t know whether to be insulted or amused. He had rushed home as soon as he could to meet Claire but had run into Luther right in the foyer. It has set off one of their common fights which Allison had to break up. Afterward, she dragged him up to Claire’s new room where they were greeted with prime blackmail material — Five playing dress-up and having a tea party with their brother and niece.

“You think we’d still be alive if we saw this?” Allison did have a good point but on the other hand-

“He hasn’t hurt Klaus, yet.”

“Klaus is probably the reason he’s in the dress.”

“Not Claire?”

“She doesn’t really care for tea parties but she does like messing with people.” Allison sounded smug and proud, a tone that had Diego instinctively shuddering.

“Really?”

“Remind me to tell you the story about the third babysitter.”

Diego gave her a harsh side-eye at that and made the silent decision to never do that. He looked again at Five and Klaus playing pretty princesses and happened to see the glint in Claire’s eyes and knew that Claire was more like Allison then he thought. He remembers the Fight for the Bathroom and wanted no part in a round two.

“Is...is he planning on weaponizing my daughter?” Allison’s voice broke his train of thought and he focused on what Five saying more then what he was wearing and it...concerned him slightly.

“Yes. He is planning on weaponizing her. And I think he might be planning on killing me and Luther.”

“Well, that’s understandable.”

“What’s understand...able?” Luther and Ben’s echoed question slowly trailed off as they spotted the same thing that stopped Diego and Allison earlier. Diego was only slightly wary of Ben’s smile, reminding himself that Ben had spent several years with only Klaus for company.

“Five is planning our murder.” Diego threw Five under the bus with no shame.

“Why?” Luther sounded confused.

“Do you really think he needs a specific reason?”

“Well, I’d hope he’d have at least one.”

“...he grew up with us.” Allison’s tone was dry.

“He realizes that we also grew up with him right?” Diego muttered under his breath as he tried to remember where Mom left the camera. He wanted physical proof that this party was happening.

“Oh, he probably conveniently forgot that side of the story. Is he planning on using Claire and her el-elbows?!” Ben sounded mildly impressed but Diego saw Luther shuddered and finally had some proof that Luther had a brain somewhere in his giant head.

“From the sounds of it, he doesn’t want our idiocy to infect Claire.”

“Soooo...he’s planning on killing us?” Diego had to sound incredulous. Five was skipping like seven different steps that should happen before murder.

“Oh, he’s been at it for a while. Murder is just the latest step of his master plan,” Klaus finally piped up from his seat in the room, proving that the three of them could actually hear them.

“Yeah, but he’s not going to do anything but plan. Right, Uncle Five?” Claire’s voice was sweet on the surface but Diego knew better. The males present in the room all froze and paled several shades. That tone was all pre-teen Allison and the terror they felt was ingrained.

Only Five was brave enough to start talking, “Claire, I don’t think you-”

Claire only raised an eyebrow at him and he shut his mouth quickly and violently. Diego laughed a little under his breath but the way that Claire slowly turned to look at him muted his laughter.

“Why don’t you all come join us!”

*

Grace hummed under her breath a little, stacking the cookies she had just finished baking. Her darling granddaughter had asked for some chocolate chip cookies made with love and Grace was hopeless to refuse. She finished with the cookies and moved to take them to Claire’s room. She met Vanya on the landing, Vanya coming from her music room, and Grace offered her a cookie.

“Thanks, Mom. But why?”

“Oh! Claire was telling me she was planning on having a tea party with everyone and wanted some cookies for it.”

“They’re having a tea party?” Vanya sounded both ignored and delighted.

“Well, I believe that your brothers were pressed into it but I'm sure they’ll be glad to have you join them.” Grace hummed a little, wanting to make her youngest daughter happy again.

She got her wish when they came to Claire’s room and Vanya’s laughter rang out over the conversation happening at Claire’s kid-sized table. Grace smothered a smile, not wanting to hurt anybody’s pride but helpless all the same to prevent the smile from forming in the first place. She agreed with Vanya’s laughter. Her boys did look somewhat ridiculous, dressed in badly fitting princess dresses as they were.

“Not. A. Word.” Her lovely Diego uttered what he thought was a threat but Grace knew that nobody was going to take him seriously — not with his tiara falling off and his make-up smudged.

“Auntie Vanya! Gramma! Join us?”

Well, that wouldn’t do. He couldn’t have his most favorite niece sad. He knocked lightly on the door, not wanting to surprise her by appearing in her room in the middle of the night.

The sobs quickly cut off and Klaus took that as his signal to enter her room. He gently opened Claire’s door, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the minimal light in her room before he made his way to her bedside. 

He kneeled down, laying a hand on Claire’s shoulder, and waited for her to raise her head. It took a couple of minutes but Klaus was patient. He suspected the late-night crying was because of nightmares and he knew how bad they could be. He wasn’t going to push her into talking before she was ready.

“Unca Klaus?”

“Yeah Claire-bear?”

“No monsters in the closet?”

“None that could ever get past me,” Klaus reassured his niece. He knew how scary this house could be, even with all the remodeling and painting they had done to prepare for her arrival. He told Claire what he had wanted to hear when he was a young boy with the ghosts screaming at him. And it was the truth — he would never let anything hurt her if he could help it. Neither would anyone of his siblings, Allison especially. He’d seen the look in her eyes when it came to light that Diego was teaching Claire to throw knives and knew that any sort of closet monster wouldn’t stand a chance.

He repeated his thoughts aloud for Claire to hear, wanting to reassure her some more.

“Promise?” Klaus’ heart almost shattered at Claire’s small but hopeful voice.

“I promise. Cross my heart and all that nonsense.” Klaus giggled with Claire, happy he was able to make her feel better. “Wanna come with me to the kitchen? I need me some food. I’m not sure what I want but if I don’t find it right away, Mom will come and save me.”

Klaus picked Claire up, swinging her up into his arms along with one of her blankets, rambling on quietly as he made their way down to the kitchen. 

“...and that’s why you shouldn’t eat cheese and pudding at the same time. But that does sound good. Maybe we should make some pudding? I don’t know how to make pudding but it could make a fun experiment. What do you think? Some chocolate pudding sounds nice right now yeah?”

“Mom doesn’t allow me to have dessert this late at night.”

“Well technically… it’s very early in the morning. Does she have any rules against that?”

Claire hummed in thought but eventually said, “she does make me eat a healthy breakfast.”

“Well, there we go! We’ll make some waffles then eat chocolate pudding. Healthy breakfast first.” Klaus beamed at Claire, happy he was able to find a way to work around those pesky rules people had about food.

Claire nodded vigorously. When they were finally in the kitchen, Klaus allowed Claire to slide from his arms to land on the counter. He spent a couple of minutes to fluff the blanket around her, but then he danced through the kitchen. He went around opening and closing various cabinets to try and find where Mom might have placed the instant pudding packets. She was getting wise to his ways and had taken to hiding them in more and more complex places so he couldn’t find them. 

He was on the third spin around the room when he heard Mom’s heals coming toward them. He frowned a little, sliding closer to Claire. She had been laughing at his flailing, humming a tone for him to dance to.

“Well, I guess it’s not gonna be pudding tonight Claire-bear,” Klaus gave an exaggerated frown. Claire was about to question why but silenced herself when Mom’s lovely self entered the kitchen.

“Klaus, Claire. Why are you up so late, dears?”

“We got the munchies and wanted some waffles and pudding, please!” Klaus hefted himself onto the counter next to Claire before he moved her to his lap, cuddling her close. 

Mom was about to deny them when Claire, the evil little mastermind that Klaus knew she was, asked “Could you teach me how to make them? I really wanna learn how to cook and Mommy told me you were the best cook ever!” 

Mom melted like snow in an oven and Klaus knew then they would be eating waffles and pudding tonight.

“Well...I suppose it couldn’t hurt. But only tonight, you understand?”

Both Klaus and Claire nodded seriously but the giant smiles growing on their faces betrayed their excitement. The three of them spend the next few hours making a selection of food. They had started with their waffles, making big ones they topped with chopped up fruit. Klaus and Claire had made a mess eating them but Klaus didn’t care. He kept up with his antics, seeing the darkness draining from Claire’s eyes as she continued to laugh at him. 

After they finished with their waffles, Mom had offered to teach them how to make cookies. It went about as well as could be expected, the mess spreading across the kitchen and even into the hallway somehow but they had ended up with something that might generously be called food.

Honestly, Klaus thought they should throw away the cookies he and Claire had made and just leave the ones Mom had made but then he thought about his siblings eating the awful cookies and changed his mind. That would be hilarious. 

The sky lightened up with the morning sun, as Klaus and Claire slowed down. The little amount of sleep they had gotten paired with the sugar crash they were going through meant that eventually, they were soon laid out on the ground.

Grace finished with cleaning up the mess and sighed when she saw her kids. What silly little things they were but oh, how much she loved them.

She finished plating all the cookies, leaving in the ones that Klaus and Claire had made then she bent down and picked up Claire, taking her to the living room. She did the same for Klaus then went to track down some blankets and pillows for them. 

She loved her kids and she was happy she was able to help them tonight. As she tucked them in, she gave them small kisses, smoothing a hand down their hair.