theres so much i need to do but i canāt do any of it because it hurts to even think about it. I just want to run away from everything again.
it seems that all the āprogressā i was making is dwindling with every passing day. Everyday the things i put off feel more and more humiliating because when iām finally able to convince myself to do said things people always ask why i let things get so bad. why did i wait so long. and iām just like :) I donāt know? Why am I so worthless? Why was I even born? Why donāt I just kill myself? Thanks for asking me though as if this wasnāt already difficult and terrifying and embarrassing THANKS.
I just need someone to tell me what to do. If someone would tell me to do things I could just do them. Like āToday youāre going to the Trans support group like you planned to months agoā and āTomorrow youāre going to call your art teacher like youāre supposed to so you can discuss what you need to improve onā and āGO GET FUCKING CAR INSURANCE FOR THE LOVE OF GODā and most importantly āYou are in so much pain just go get your spine X-rayed jfcā
but Iām just going to sit here as my life goes no where and i drift farther and farther from the people i care about cause i canāt even bring myself to talk to them.
One of the most frustrating things is that some days start out so GOOD. I feel euphoric and like LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL OMG!! and Iām like people are so great and unique and amazing! and Iāve come so far on my art! and I look nice today!! Like iāve felt attractive the past 3 days in a row??? somehow??? but they just plummet and iām back to seriously considering ending it.
and idk what is up things are all over the place and so weird lately. Nothing makes and sense to me and the whole world feels like its falling out from under me half the time. Its like iām not looking out through my eyes properly if that makes sense? Like iām wearing a big heavy mask and the eye holes are slightly askew so I canāt see clearly. My head is always spinning and I always think iām hearing weird sounds and seeing blurs out of the corner of my eyes. Like my brain tells me āsomeone just walked passed youā but no one is in the apartment or that part of the building so I know its wrong. and the worst thing is when I feel like Iām not where I think I am and that Iām never alone and someone is CONSTANTLY watching me and i HATE IT SO MUcH..
I feel like i shouldnt post this. but idk what else to do with my feelings at this point cause i canāt talk about them because its not like theres anything that can be done. But honestly its mostly cause Iām scared that Iām lying about it but I donāt think iām lying about anything? cause those are all things that really bother me at times? and my dad has said he has similar symptoms idk. I feel like if I experience psychosis at all its not even worth acknowledging considering what other people have to go through.
in short I think this is a mixed episode =/ things are stressing me out but Iāll be all right. probably. This has been really incoherent and I apologize Iām just trying to not internalize things
