#luandachan

And now they were living together in a new, different way. Instead of going on a road trip with their friends, they were together, non-stop. Had they seen each other only between classes and in the evening and morning before, it was constantly now. They even went shopping together and neither of them had left the bed yet to move to the sofa. King knew he should, to be a proper senior, but he couldn’t.

Not when his heart was beating like crazy, every time he woke up to Ram’s even breathing and the knowledge that he was the one Ram chose to stay with. To be with. Even if it was only to get away from his father. Even if it was only a junior-senior-situation, barely a friendship.

Or whatever it was for Ram. Hell, King usually needed way longer to become friends with someone. Especially such close friends.

King stared at the man next to him, peacefully snoring, and had to correct himself. He had fallen in love with Ram and there was no way around it. They were friends, yes, but his heart hadn’t stopped there. He had become greedy, had started wanting other, different things. More. More of everything.

Things he shouldn’t want as a proper senior. As a friend.

King hated himself for this part, but he tried his best to bury it. To stop misreading Ram all the time and to stop his own hope. He could be a good friend and a helpful senior. He absolutely could.

Except when it got hard to keep his feelings under control. His want and his imagination, making him wonder how it would be to shuffle closer now and take Ram into his arms, kiss him softly as soon as he was waking up and continue to stare at him without this guilt deep in his bones.

Would he be happy then? Could he make Ram happy as well?

A soft movement in front of him made King turn away and close his eyes. As if he hadn’t been awake and pining already. Like the liar he was.

The rustling and a movement of the bed were a clear sign of Ram pushing himself up. The following silence was deafening, King tensing as he feared Ram had realised something. Anything.

But in the end, Ram moved and got out of the bed and out of the room.

King opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, relieved and disappointed at the same time. And he didn’t even know what he was disappointed about.

He surely hadn’t expected Ram to stare at him or cuddle him or ... King drew the blanket over his head, squeezing his eyes shut. No. No! He should stop it this instant, he really should. But his mind was reeling already, thinking of what could be. In King’s dreams at least. He tried to breathe evenly again so he could calm down once more and maybe get up as well. If Ram was out of the bed already, there was no reason to stay after all.

Slowly, counting the seconds and minutes, he calmed down again, the tension leaving his body almost by force. His fetal position loosened up and he dared to pull the blanket down a bit, as if he had to sneak into reality again, not knowing what dangers might await him.

Suddenly, just when he was almost ready to get up, the door opened once more and Ram stepped inside. Too surprised to feign sleep, King turned and stared, embarrassed about being caught. Even though Ram hopefully had no idea.

But there he stood, still wearing his boxers and a muscle shirt, his bed hair not touched but still ruffled and two mugs in his hands.

King continued to stare as Ram stepped closer. He didn’t say anything until Ram was right in front of him and put one mug right on the night table next to him. It was steaming and it smelled delicious, King’s stomach letting out a rumble.

Without a word, Ram then walked around the bed and sat down again, right next to King and blew on whatever was in the mug. When King still didn’t move, he turned towards him once again and lifted his eyebrows before motioning towards his morning present. It was as if someone had pushed King. Finally, he shuffled, until he was sitting as well, his face burning with embarrassment.

“Morning”, he murmured and reached for the mug, “And thank you.”

It was hot, steaming coffee, of course, exactly the way King loved it. If he hadn’t been in love before, he sure would have fallen now.

“Thank you”, he repeated once more before mirroring Ram and blowing on the coffee, enjoying the warmth in his hands and the feeling of contentment settling in.

The smile worked its way onto his lips and he threw a shy look towards Ram who was still watching him. When he saw King looking, he turned back to his own mug, an almost smile on his lips and his shoulders relaxing just this tiny bit. As if he’d been worried somehow. Worried, King might not like his present.

As if that was ever possible.

King’s heart was so full with love, he might be the happiest he had ever been. Just from this.

~~~

Ram might be going crazy. If he wasn’t insane already. Because ... seriously ...

He stared at the man next to him, wearing shorts and a muscle shirt, sweating from the boxing exercise they had just done.

King had complained for the last few days about not getting enough exercise until Ram had proposed some boxing, unsure if King had actually wanted a solution to the problem or not. But he’d agreed and now they were here and Ram was conflicted.

It had been a good feeling to work out again, even though he had done some light stretching every day. On the opposite, it had been some kind of new torture to have King next to him, sweating and huffing, his hair pulled back into a ponytail and his attention on the task once again too attractive to survive. It was always nice to watch him concentrate on something with such an intensity, but since the object of attention had been Ram himself, it had been kind of unnerving.

And now the man was sitting on the ground, groaning how he couldn’t take anymore any longer and Ram was close to throwing himself out of the window.

Didn’t King know what he was doing? Was he seriously so clueless?

Or did he do it on purpose? Did he expect Ram to react? Did he want him to do anything or was he just testing the water?

King looked up at him through his eyelashes and Ram debated if a dash out of the door might be a tad overdramatic or not.

“Why aren’t you as exhausted?”

Ram huffed and rolled his eyes before he took the towel and dried the bit of sweat running down his neck.

“Oh, right Mr Six-pack”, King teased as he poked his finger against Ram’s hip.

Maybe the window was faster ...

When King’s hand came up to poke him again, Ram reacted instinctively, grabbing King’s wrist with a steely grip.

“What?”, King laughed, turning Ram’s insides once more to goo, “Are you ticklish?”

Threatening doom came over Ram as he recognised the challenge in King’s gaze. No. No, really not. That was the worst idea.

Shaking his head seemed to be the worst idea though, as the challenge intensified and Ram felt the muscles in King’s arm tense even more.

No.

He shook his head more violently, but it was too late. With a jump, King was close, his other hand already at Ram’s side, poking him again.

Ram flinched back, his face heating up as if King had set him on fire, as he tried to fend off those prying fingers. If, at least, he’d not been ticklish as well. But he was both. Ticklish and in love with King. Desperately so.

They had touched before, of course. Brushing shoulders and knees, riding piggyback and hugging for comfort, walking close and grabbing each other’s wrist had always been part of their relationship, but this right now? This felt so much more intimate suddenly as if they had made a big step over an invisible line they had drawn before.

Ram stepped back, trying to get a hold on King’s fingers while the warm churning feeling in his belly intensified. While his own blush intensified as well as the panic and the question: What now?

A quiet “No” escaped him involuntarily, but King stopped instantly, worry and panic visible in his face.

“Sorry”, he tried to step back, but Ram’s grip on his hands was still too strong.

As if to show he was no threat anymore, every tension left King’s arms, but Ram still held on. Because he didn’t want King to go. No matter what ...

“I am sorry”, King repeated again, “Did I hurt you?”

Ram shook his head and managed a smile. Instantly, King relaxed, even though a drop of guarded guilt seemed to stay with him.

“So, you are ticklish”, King stated, his wrists by now a comfortable weight and Ram didn’t know if it was possible for him to blush even more.

“You definitely are!”

By now, King was laughing and Ram rolled his eyes, despite the mirth bubbling up in his throat and the soft contentment he felt whenever he saw King as happy as this.

The man might not know about Ram’s feelings yet, thanks to being the densest person on earth and he might not yet know what his own feelings were, but he was Ram’s favourite person and Ram couldn’t imagine someone more wonderful to spend his time with.

With a small pang, he ignored the urge to lean forward and kiss King’s cheek. Instead, he let go of King’s hands and used his own to ruffle King’s hair, before turning away with a grin and a “Shower.”

He only needed to hear the stunned silence to know King was once more staring at him, unable to decipher the moment.

And Ram let him.

~~~

There was no space in their apartment any longer, but King didn’t care.

It was almost a month since they had been quarantined and he’d finally been able to buy new plants and earth and collect some stuff close by. He’d squeeze the new ones in eventually.

Ram’s lifted eyebrows somehow questioned him, but he ignored it. He also ignored the casual pressure of Ram’s knee against his thigh. The longer they had had to stay inside and not see their parents or friends, the more they had started to touch each other. They never talked about it, but always waited a few seconds, almost anxiously, before leaving it like that, enjoying the touch and closeness.

King’s heart might race every single time, but he never pulled back, too eager to have this. To feel this.

King had always someone who liked his own company and his plants enough. Having Ram with him all the time was already more than he’d ever had or wanted before. But Ram ... he wasn’t one of his plants, but ...  it was different.

Not seeing his family had definitely had an impact on King and if he hadn’t been in love with Ram before the quarantine, he would have wondered if it was his loneliness pushing him towards this man, but as things were, the quarantine made him realise his feelings only more each day.

Ram was the only living being he liked having around constantly. Not to talk all the time, but because the room was instantly brighter, even if they were doing totally different things, sitting in compatible silence in two different corners. Sleeping next to Ram, as well as waking up, filled King with contentment and such soft happiness, he had never once felt.

He had never missed this feeling before, but now he didn’t want to give it up. But he would have, once the quarantine ended, would he?

King stared at the glass he was preparing in front of him. He shouldn’t think about it yet. And once it ended, he should be happy about it instead of sad. But there was a fear of losing Ram. Of suddenly being alone once more.

He hadn’t realised how tense he was until a warm hand covered his and made him look up in surprise.

When Ram’s concerned gaze met him, he swallowed, not knowing what to say. How to explain himself if Ram asked. The possibility of lying didn’t even enter his mind as they stared at each other, the pull almost too strong to resist.

Almost ...

Al ...

King didn’t know who moved first, but suddenly they were hugging each other tight, his own face buried tightly into the crook of Ram’s neck while his arms were engulfing Ram’s upper body with as much force as possible.

He was so embarrassed to be caught like this, but it also felt so right, so perfect. And it wasn’t as if he was forcing Ram, was it? He was being hugged back and Ram’s grip was so strong, King was wondering if he could have pulled back easily at all.

Probably yes, because Ram was not one to force people, but still, it was no light touch or passive hug he was receiving and it was good knowing. It fuelled the small fire of hope in his heart, his constant wonder of what if?

No matter what was the reason for this. If it was actual love on Ram’s side, a spontaneous confusion or him missing his family as well, King would enjoy the moment, would burn it in his memory so he would never forget.

Letting out a shaky breath, King shuffled even closer, not knowing how it was even possible.

Tender hands were buried in his hair, calming him with gentle movements until he was nothing but aching softness.

Slowly, Ram pulled back, after an eternity. King didn’t want to let go, but his arm was falling asleep and he knew he should. He knew, he couldn’t keep this moment forever.

“Show me”, Ram said with a husky whisper, pointing towards King’s plants and King fell once more, deeper and higher at the same time.

He dared to smile and turned a little bit, their bodies still pressed together, Ram’s arm around his shoulders. And then he proceeded to tell and teach Ram, the ache and the softness never leaving.

~~~

The cuddles happened more often afterwards. It was almost natural the way their arms would sneak around each other’s shoulders and waist, their heads leaning on each other and their fingers intertwining without another thought.

Although that one might be a lie because Ram thought a lot about it. In fact, he didn’t seem able to not think about it, no matter how natural it seemed.

What was King’s intent? What did he feel? What did he want? Did he do it because he missed the touch of other people? Being close to others? Or did he do it because it was Ram and he wanted to do all of it with Ram?

Before the quarantine, Ram hadn’t thought too much about it. They were on their way, no matter how long it would take and he was patient. He wouldn’t wonder too much about the future, because everything happening between them felt right. And the same way he had this need of it going slow and exploring his feelings step by step, he had no problem waiting for King to realise his own and to understand Ram’s.

But now, over a month into living together in quarantine, it got difficult not to wonder. Of course, Ram was still patient and ready to wait, but King’s signs were so confusing and difficult. Yes, the man liked him. But was it as a friend? Was it different? Was it because he felt responsible for Ram? And would he be able to accept his own feelings for Ram, if he had those at all?

“Be careful!”

Ram jerked up, realising the sudden smell of burned onions. Damn! Slender hands took the spatula out of his hands and pushed him gently to the side.

Kind dimmed the heat and turned the onions, looking closely if they could be saved or not. What over a month of cooking for themselves could do, seriously.

They had started by burning everything and ordering as often as possible before King had announced one day he wanted to cook. Which was honourable or would have been, if he’d had any knowledge about it at all. And so Ram, not knowing a thing about cooking as well, had joined. Together they had wreaked havoc in the kitchen at the beginning. At least until they had searched for easy recipes on the internet, starting at the bottom and slowly working their way up.

If Ram was honest, neither of them had become a talented chef, but at least they managed to produce edible meals by now. At least most of the time. And today wasn’t such a time.

“Are you okay?”

Concerned, King looked at him, the onions now safe. At least he hadn’t burned the whole bunch of vegetables, Ram thought and sighed.

King turned off the stove and grabbed Ram’s hand, instead of his wrist, to drag him to the sofa without another word. And Ram let him, knowing there was a good reason for King to act like that.

When they sat down, King kept the hold onto Ram’s hand and Ram let him, afraid King would let go once he would bring the fact to his attention.

“What’s going on?”

This was something else that had changed.

Before, King had been careful about asking, letting Ram come to him and open up on his own account. By now, he watched only for a moment before approaching and it surprised Ram how good it felt. He’d been happy about taking the first step, but to experience how well King knew him by now was a special kind of happiness. Because the man never once made him talk when Ram wasn’t ready at all. Or if nothing was wrong.

Now, he wasn’t exactly sure if he was ready, but from the tight pressure on his chest, he probably should.

Because it wasn’t only King occupying his mind right now. Sadly.

“I talked to my father.”

The words coming out of his mouth felt rusty and heavy on his tongue. King didn’t answer but waited, giving Ram time.

“He asked me to move back, to soothe my mother’s nerves.”

For a split second, he thought he had seen King freeze, but his face seemed neutral again.

“He told me I couldn’t possibly be infected since we haven’t been out for a while. And how my resistance made it all the more suspicious.”

Ram drew a deep breath, by now holding on to King’s hand as if his life depended on it. And maybe it did. Because what if King told him to go back home? To be with his family? And somehow he wanted because he missed them, but he also couldn’t because his father was there.

Oh, he had said he’d ended the affair because of the pandemic, but it wasn’t as if the memories could be erased just like that.

“What did you reply?”

King’s voice was so guarded, showing how important the answer was to him as well.

“I won’t go back.”

There was a lot more left to be said, but Ram wasn’t sure if he could or should open that box.

“You still can’t forgive him?”

How could he? Ram shook his head.

A gentle movement across his knuckles made him look down at their joined hands. They were like a magnet and he wondered how King would react if he lifted them to press a kiss to them.

Ram looked up once more when he heard a quiet cough, King looking embarrassed as if he had thought the same right now. And maybe ... he had.

“What”, King started, “What if you go and visit them now? Just a walk with the dogs? To see your mother and brother?”

Was it possible to fall even more for someone? Because of something like this?

The urge to pull King close by his neck was almost overwhelming, but somehow Ram managed to settle on a smile, his heart overfilled by feelings, too much to not spill any.

“I want you to stay”, King suddenly blurted, a blush darkening his features.

When Ram only lifted his eyebrows, unsure how to proceed, King continued, playing with Ram’s hand but refusing to let go.

“If you want to go home, you can do so, of course. I won’t keep you from your family”, he took a deep breath and looked up at Ram who wasn’t sure what his heart was doing any longer, “But I need you to know that you’re welcome here and that I want you here, if you want it, you know?”

For a bit, King seemed so lost, it would have been adorable if Ram hadn’t felt exactly the same.

“Thank you”, he murmured, choosing every word carefully, “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with you. As long as possible.”

King’s eyes widened and Ram wondered if the subtle love confession had been perceived this time.

“Please ... hm ...”, King stammered, “I mean do, please do that. Stay, I mean. For as long as you want. Really ... ah ...”

Something snapped inside of Ram and he knew he couldn’t do this anymore.

Sit there and behave as if holding King’s hand wasn’t the best moment of his day. As if staring at this man in front of him didn’t change his life and filled him with happiness. As if living with King wasn’t his dream, even without the pandemic and his situation at home. As if he wasn’t ready to get to his knees and worship King every second now. As if he wasn’t dreaming of holding King close every night, yearning, even though the man was sleeping right next to him, but still too far away.

Slowly, as not to shock King too much, he lifted his free hand to cup his cheek. Tender but determined not to let go until King had understood.

Truly understood.

“Uh ... what?”

Ram would feel bad about confusing King so much, if it also gave him hope to see the man blush and stay, instead of pulling away, revolted.

He locked their eyes.

“Even without the pandemic, I want to stay with you.”

And then, while King was still processing those words, the skin under Ram’s hand burning, Ram leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to King’s forehead.

The look in King’s eyes, when he leaned back, was like oil to his spark of hope, multiplying his yearning despite them holding hands already. Despite them being only a few centimetres apart.

“I...”, King tried again, wetting his lips, “You don’t need to ...”

Ram shook his head violently: “No.”

“I should ...”, King started again and it squeezed Ram’s heart as he saw tears threatening to fall.

“Shhh...”

With his thumb, he brushed over King’s cheeks tenderly, not daring to let go.

“Do you want?”, he asked, because that was the main question, wasn’t it? The important one. The one which would decide everything. If Ram would stay or go. If his heart would break or not.

King let out a shaky breath as he leaned against the warm hand caressing him.

“I want”, he responded with a whisper, but it was enough for Ram.

He smiled and lifted an eyebrow and if he wasn’t going crazy on the inside. But it helped.

“I want you to stay after the pandemic and regardless of the pandemic and regardless of your family”, the words started falling out of King’s mouth like a waterfall, “I want to hug you because you’re you and not because we’re both touch-deprived. I want to sleep next to you, without the fear of accidentally getting too close but knowing that it’s okay. And I want to hold your hand just because I want to. And for you to do that again.”

By now, Ram wondered if there was any blood left in the rest of King’s body because the heat the man was exuding was insane.

“This?”, he asked as he leaned forward once more and planted another, less gentle kiss to King’s forehead.

“Yeah”, King mumbled, his eyes following Ram’s movement with such intensity, it left Ram breathless.

He stared at King’s lips and his darkened cheeks, his soft hair and beautiful eyes. Had this been King’s permission to touch him? And where should he start? He dreamed about too much and was too overwhelmed now, content to simply stare for some time, trying to realise what it all meant. Really meant.

Suddenly, King shuffled closer and leaned forward, determination mixed with his former shyness in his eyes.

“So, this means I can do this?”

When he kissed the tip of Ram’s nose, Ram went cross-eyed and wouldn’t have wondered if he’d perished right then and there.

All he could do was nod.

“And this?”

Another kiss to Ram’s cheek and he felt himself tremble as he nodded again, not knowing if he was even stopping.

King’s gaze to his lips was like fire, burning bright.

“And what about this?”

This time, Ram didn’t nod but came to meet him in the middle, their lips connecting to a feather-like kiss. Careful, as if the other would run away. As if they’d wake up from a dream and it would all come to an end.

But it didn’t and Ram put some more pressure in it, keeping King close with his hand at his neck, his fingers buried in the softness of his hair. King didn’t want to run, though, his eyes closed as he moaned softly into the kiss.

Mine, Ram thought and was surprised by his own possessiveness.

Slowly, he pulled back until he could see King clearly again, his eyes dazed and full of wonder. It was the most beautiful sight, Ram had ever seen and he’d seen King a lot the last few months.

“You know”, he whispered while drawing circles onto King’s skin and brushing his hair back, “We can also do this.”

And then he pulled King into a tight hug, burying his own face into the crook of the man who had just now agreed to be his partner. His lover. His boyfriend.

Mine, he thought again, revelling in the fact that this hug was different and special.

“Mine”, King whispered right next to his ear and Ram could feel the smile against his skin.

He couldn’t have been happier. And this was only the beginning.