#lowertheboom

Originally Written: Monday, August 1, 2011 - Friday, August 19,2011

Originally Posted: Wednesday, August 24, 2011

“These Are Facts...Part 5”

Alright,before we dive into this clusterfuck,I just want you to know..I'm a fuckin' nutcase..so yea...Oh..and I'm gonna tell you right now..this is the LONGEST OF THE LONGEST blogs I've ever written..so if you legit read this beginning to end,I respect you for it...But for now,I'll just give you a quick recap of These Are Facts 1-4 and the importance(major reason behind writing it)...This part isn't really important..so skipping it isn't a problem...Off we go:

TAF: There was no specific reason why I wrote this...Just like I said in the blog,"I don’t know what happen this morning..but I woke up feeling like I had to explain myself to some people"..so I did..that's it...There were no motives other than to just let out some not-so-well-known information..

TAF2: The importance of this blog was to kinda give an insight of my mind,and give you a small idea of how things work in my brain...Though I ended up calling it "Anger + Friends",in my mind I called it "The Mental Blog"..lol...I called it that because pretty much all of the stuff I talked about in it;weird thoughts,dealing with anger,etc..was all mental stuff..

TAF3: I mainly wrote this blog because I felt like I didn't say everything I wanted to say in TAF2...This blog was more forced than any of them,but the point was to stress the importance of friends...They have no idea how important they are to me..and even though I really enjoyed writing this blog..I never really thought I followed the same format as all the other ones...I always felt like this was the blog about how my life is going and what I did since writing the last blog..and though,yes,that's what a BLOG is..that's not what These Are Facts is about...So yes,I loved writing it..but it's probably my least favorite as far as consistency with the rest..

TAF4: I really needed to write this blog because I felt like I walked a fine line on TAF3...I almost said something that,at that time,I didn't want to...The religion thing was the most important part of this blog...I had been wanting to say that longer than I've been wanting to say anything..and up until this blog,THAT was the scariest thing to blog about,because posting that,seeing that I only saw the negative possibilities,I thought there was a great chance I could possibly lose some friends...Why would that,of all things,mess up a friendship??...Looking back,I wonder the same thing...It was ridiculous to ever believe it would..lol..

When I wrote the first TAF blog on April 4,2009,I wasn't planning on writing so many more...I even said,"I’ll tell you guys now..this may be the ONLY serious thing you may ever get from me"..and I actually did mean that...And though I said "I'll see you in the next blog" at the end of all of them,I never actually intended on writing more...Even then,I ended up writing another one...The last TAF blog I wrote was on September 6, 2009,and THAT was actually supposed to be the last..because,by that time,I felt I had either said enough,or said too much...Now,even though I say none of the blogs were planned,necessarily..this one you're reading right now was planned since before I wrote the FIRST TAF blog..I just never knew how I was gonna explain it..but after writing 4 blogs I figured its my best platform to do it...So...These Are Facts..

Alright,I hope this doesn't piss you off..but EVERYTHING you just read wasn't "These Are Facts 5"..it was just the set up for it..lol...Here comes the official start...Now..even after writing These Are Facts 1-4,I still knew there is one more major thing I wanted to say...Its the LAST thing I wanted to say..so I'm gonna say it in this..the FINAL of this series of blogs...These Are Facts..

Believe it or not,I'm actually a shy person...But not shy in the sense that I'm scared to talk to people..because its not that I'm SCARED to talk to people..I just don't LIKE talking to people..more specifically NEW people...With my friends,I talk to them all the time,so usually if a friend introduces me to their friend,I won't be AS shy..but still...And to be more specific..its shyness when it comes to confrontation..because despite what you may think,I'm not a confrontational person by any means...I don't like putting myself out there..almost to the point where I'd rather just get bullied than stand up for myself..but again,I'll get into that later in the blog...Point is..socially,if me and someone don't share a mutual friend,likely,we won't become friends..and in some cases even if we do have a mutual friend,it still won't happen...The only reason I mention this is because the idea of me being shy comes as a shock to many of you..but that's just because I'm a good actor..scary good..lol..

Another thing that may or may not be a shock to you is that I'm kinda paranoid when it comes to friends...What I mean by that is,when I don't talk to close friends for long periods of time..I start to think they're mad at me...I got a feeling that's gonna happen after this blog..lol...By the way,that "lol" is coming from a scared and lonely place..lol...That one too...I don't know why,but not talking to friends is the scariest thing to me...There have been MANY moments in my life where I'd go a week or two without talking to them..and to a degree,I bet some of you have done the same...Only difference is,you don't mentally freak out and start thinking they hate you..lol...Now,obviously,after years of this happening you would THINK I'd realize that that's not the case and that they aren't mad at me..but no...Hey,maybe in the future I'll get over this paranoia..but probably not anytime soon..

Okay..now to the meat of this blog..meaning,without this last part,I never would have wrote TAF5...Everything I just told you comes second,no,FIFTH fiddle to this next part..

For those with ideas of what the rest of this blog is about,I'll let you know now..TAF4 semi-spoils it...The first time I LEGITAMATELY thought about saying this was my 18th birthday...At age 16,I started running scenarios during "reflection time"(not going over that again) of how I thought it would play out...But before age 16,I never thought about saying anything at all..cause to me,it REALLY didn't matter...But from age 16 up until now,its become more and more difficult to NOT say...At many points in the last couple years,I came just moments from doing it...Only thing that stopped me was fear..but the fact that I'm saying it now doesn't mean I'm not scared..it just means I'm sick of being scared of something that doesn't matter AT ALL...You know that feeling you get when you know a REALLY big secret and you wanna tell everyone,but you can't??...Well,that's the feeling I've had for a REALLY long time...In TAF4,I talked about a situation...Looking back on that,it would have been the PERFECT time to say what I'm about to say..but instead of outright denying it,I tip-toed around a "what are you talking about?" answer...I didn't want to lie..but I also didn't want to say anything about it,at that time...Looking back,if I had said it then..TAF4 would have been the last blog..which again,looking back,it probably would have been better...Now,after reading this last paragraph and comparing it to the last half of TAF4,its pretty obvious what I'm about to tell you..so brace yourself..

During the planning stages for this blog,I called this paragraph,"Lowering The Boom"...Yes..the name of this blog is based off of this paragraph...Okay,back to the point...So what's this big secret I've been holding in for so long??..The secret is..well..its that I'm gay..hahahahaha...Just kidding,I'm not gay..BUT..I am bisexual...I figured saying I was gay first would soften the blow for the truth..and that is the truth..I'm bisexual...Wow,I said it twice now...But before I become dead to you,I just want you to know..I'm the same person you've known all the time you've known me..only difference is..you know something you didn't know before...Now,this didn't just happen overnight...I first noticed in 6th grade(age 11)..cause before then,I always knew at least one girl that I liked..so liking girls wasn't the problem..so I knew I wasn't gay...And its weird that I noticed in 6th grade because at that time,there was this girl that I REALLY liked(mentioned her in another blog) and I didn't stop liking her literally until just a few years ago...Even then,over the years,I've tried to convince myself that I wasn't bisexual..but unfortunately,it doesn't work that way...For me,its not a problem..it doesn't effect my life,and none of the decisions I make are based on it...I'm not really gonna go into more details,partially because its complicated,and partially because I just don't want to...But the point is..to all of the people reading this(minus the possibility of family members and people that knew me at age 11)..I've been this way LONG before we met and likely the entire time we've known each other..so nothing has changed...Funny thing is..growing up(even before age 11)..ALOT of my family always thought I was gay..just flat out gay..no gray areas..and at that time,I was a little kid,so of course I SAID I wasn't...I was always taught that being anything but straight is wrong,so yea,I said no..but I didn't end up KNOWING until many years later...I'll be honest,if I had been given the option to change,I would..but again,it doesn't work that way..which further goes to show you don't just "turn gay"..you can't change it..you're born with it,so accept it and carry on with your life..cause I know I have..and my final step to fully accepting it was telling the people closest to me..and with this blog,I've done that...This is where I see who my REAL friends are..and even though I've been happily awaiting this moment,I can't even explain to you how fuckin' scared I am of who isn't gonna accept this and decide to leave..but..that's the way the cookie crumbles...Luckily,no one knew about this,so I wasn't bullied for it...Alot of people aren't as lucky..

Let's be honest,there are some serious assholes in this world,and many people are bullied for being gay/bisexual..and some are bullied to the point of suicide...Here are my serious,unchangeable thoughts on suicide...I think its selfish...Especially if you didn't seek help beforehand...I mean,yea..you're dead..YOU escaped the mental pain and psychological abuse..but what about all the people that loved you?...Now they're crying because you didn't reach out to them...And even to those that DID reach out..yea,its YOUR life..but that doesn't give you the right to kill yourself and have others in tears because YOU couldn't suck it up...Okay,if literally NO ONE loved you..okay..you removing yourself doesn't affect anyone but yourself..but what are the odds NO ONE loves you??..fuckin' slim,that's what...So when you involve yourself with so many people,feelings are formed..its human nature..hell,its NATURE..so eventually,it gets to the point where people love you,and if you just go and off yourself,you're taking that away from OTHER PEOPLE..so its not just affecting you..its affecting everyone that loves you...This is why I deem it selfish REGUARDLESS of whether you seek help or not because there are still gonna be people whose lives you removed yourself from...Now,I have alot of swayable opinions..but like I said,this isn't one of them...That's how I feel about it..its selfish as fuck..and if I ever killed myself..I wouldn't want anyone to attend my funeral..and if they insisted on coming,I'd hope that they'd flip my casket and set the bitch on fire..

Look,I'm not boosting my own ego when I say this,but maybe I have these strong feelings toward suicide because I know,no matter how bad someone bullies me,mentally,I could never do it,and I know how I'd feel if someone I loved did it...But hey,sometimes you just gotta man up,own your shit, and not take the easy way out..

Staying on the topic of being bullied..some may think I'm forming this hatred of it based on nothing...Well,that's where they'd be wrong..cause I'VE been bullied quite a few times in my life and not once did I allow myself to even CONSIDER suicide...It never crossed my mind...See,I'm the type of person that,before these blogs,I NEVER talked about my feelings of anger and sadness...I said it in an earlier blog..I just bottled it up..told no one..so had it gotten that bad,I would have been one of these people who killed themselves and never sought help...But see,that's the difference with some people...Mentally,some just aren't as strong as others..but most can hold and hide pain without resorting to killing and/or cutting themselves..

As far as me being bullied,that took place in my younger years.."(my anger is) not due to recent events..but from the past…I had somewhat of a rough middle school and early high school experience)"..

In 6th grade,there was this tall,skinny white kid named Andrew...He wasn't necessarily a bully..but one week,he just started picking on me..I don't know why..but he did...Anyway,I just got sick of it..so,on the one day where the abuse got physical,I snapped...Now,no one got seriously hurt or anything..but here's the story...That day,he ramped up his verbal bullying..so during the break when we went to the bathroom,he started giving me subtle pushes..I ignored it and continued walking...But once we got to the bathroom,he kinda pushed me in..but I took it and continued walking...As I went into my stall the whole time I was thinking when I got out,shit was gonna get real...So the entire time I'm pissing,I'm trying to think of ways to avoid it..because as I said earlier,I'm not a confrontational person...But,eventually,I had to leave..and when I did,he was waiting right there...As soon as I left the stall,he forcefully pushed me into the locked door of another stall...Right then I said fuck it...He pushed me again and I swung at him..he was tall,so I missed..but then I grabbed the collars of his shirt and threw him to the stall door..there was a struggle..I threw him into the urinal..I let him go and simultaneously threw a punch that landed on his face..then the other guys in there broke it up...We all left the bathroom and went back to class like nothing ever happened...The inside of his lip was bleeding,but it was nothing serious...During class that whole day,we just chirped each other about it...The next day,he stopped..and that was that..

In 8th grade,every now and then these guys named Ronald(short,athletic;on the football team),Johnny(Ronald's cousin;tall,skinny),and I forget the other guy's name(REALLY tall,average)...Anyway,they would pick on me for whatever reason...It wasn't an everyday thing..just maybe once or twice a week..but sometimes they'd push the envelope and get physical...One day,they ramped it up...The entire day they verbally attacked me,tried to trip me when I walked to the board,threw paper and pencils at me,then afterward they'd tell me to give the pencils back..and when the teacher asked them why they weren't doing their work,they'd say I took their stuff and I'D get in trouble..I mean..they were in full-fledged bully mode...I had never been bullied so much in my LIFE...They threatened me about how they couldn't wait until bathroom break and what they were gonna do...So..when we went to the bathroom,there were no teachers,so they did just that...As soon as I walked in..2 of them pushed me in..and even though I almost hit a wall,I ignored it and kept walking in(just at a slightly faster pace)...When I got to the stall,all 3 of them came at me,bro...They pulled my shirt,and kicked me as I tried to pull myself into the stall...I eventually got in..but as I peed,they threw wet paper towels into the stall...After peeing,I waited 3 or 4 minutes,hoping they'd leave..no dice...As soon as I came out,I went to wash my hands and the tall one pushed me toward the sinks where Ronald and Johnny pelted me with more wet paper towels...The way this happened,you'd swear it was right out of a movie...Eventually,I ended up getting to the sink to wash my hands where,you guessed it,they threw more wet paper towels at me...When I was done,I tried to walk out but Ronald pushed me back in and said,and I quote,"Yo bitchass ain't goin' no where!"..then Johnny pushed me into Ronald,and Ronald pushed me back,then Johnny pushed me as Ronald threw a punch,but I smack it down and threw one of my own...We both missed,but at this point,we all knew it was a fight...Me and Ronald grappled on the wall where I punched him in the stomach and side of his face...Johnny tried to come in and I back-elbowed him in the face..and then I threw Ronald off the wall into Johnny..and that was it..Ronald called me a bitch as I walked away...If you're wondering,no,the tall guy didn't do anything the whole time...The next day Johnny and Ronald had small knots on their eyebrow area..and my lip was abit swollen..but nothing serious...Though we didn't talk much after that,awhile later,when we did speak,I felt like I earned their respect..not that I cared for it..so much to the point where when I was walking down the hall,someone said something mean to me,and Ronald(the most hard-nosed of them all) DEFENDED me...It felt cool,but I still didn't care much for him...And that was it..

In 9th grade(1st semester),the bullying wasn't physical at all..but it was consistent and persistent...Every day..2 guys talked trash all the time...All of them were physically bigger than me..but the one time it got physical,is when I said something to the tallest guy and he pushed me and I pushed him back...Even though that was the first time it actually got physical,at many points of that semester I wanted to beat the dogshit out of both of them..but..I bottled the anger,and moved on..

However,it wasn't bottled for long,because then 2nd semester of 9th grade came around...Holy fuck..I STILL don't know how that happened!!...So,there was this SUPER tall black dude named J(I won't say his whole name because I'm about to say his last name)...Anyway,me and him NEVER really got along...I didn't like him..and for some reason,he didn't like me..but before this day,it was never a problem...So,we're in class waiting for dismissal...Its the end of the day,so me,J and a couple other people were waiting by the door for the bell to ring...Me and J were right at the door...This is where shit gets real...At some point of us idlely standing there,he thought I called him gay...Granted his LAST NAME IS "GAY"..he thought I said it..so he punched me in the jaw...Me being me..I sat there for a split second thinking,"Wow..he just punched me in the jaw"..he then yelled,"What the fuck did you just call me?"...This got the teacher's attention..so as she ran from across the room and tried to make her way though traffic,I thought,if I don't do anything,he's gonna punch me again...And right after I thought that,he punched me again!!...Now remember,he's twice my height..but at that point,I had to do something...So the first punch I threw hit him in the sternum and he kinda leaned forward so then I punched his face..then he pushed me in a corner(behind the door)..but when he push me,I lost my balance and began to fall into the corner...Luckily,I was able to grab part of his shirt on the way down,which caused his face to be driven into the corner as well...By that point,the teacher got to us and pulled us apart..and the Vice Principal(who usually walks the halls at the end of the day) opened the door and pulled me out of the room...Jumping to the end..I got suspended 9 days and he got nothing because most of the people at the front of the classroom were his friends and they said I started the fight..and me getting suspended for 9 days caused me to FAIL the class...So yea..that...Oh..and I STILL,to this day,don't know what the fuck happened that day..

So yea,I've been bullied..ALOT..so I know how it feels...It sucks..it really does..but have I EVER thought about killing myself??..hell no!!..because I know for every 1 or 2..or 3 people that bullied me,I know there's 7 or 8 people that would flip shit if I died...Some people relieve their pain by talking to people..and at some point,I went to counseling...Granted it was years before this and completely unrelated and I didn't tell him much of anything,I still had the OPPORTUNITY to tell someone..but at that time,I didn't like sharing my personal business with strangers...Other people relieve their pain by cutting themselves,which,by the way,is the stupidest shit I've even heard of in my life..but that's not how I do it either...I do it with help from my friends...I mentioned that in another blog,so I'm not gonna put it here...Hell,the entire blog was about my friends being helpful for my dealing with anger...But the point is..my friends are MY greatest asset..without them..I truly am lost...I NEED them..and it would suck to lose them..for ANY reason...I've said this many times..I live to make people happy..and those people are usually my friends..which is why,whenever my friends are upset,I take that as I'm not doing my job..so then I try to do whatever to make them happy...That's just the kinda person I am..

Usually,at this point,I recap the entire blog..but I'm not gonna do that this time...Plain and simple..if they didn't know before,my friends know now how important they are to me..and after reading any of this massacre of emotions,I hope they ALL stick around...Then again..I know for a fact there are atleast 2 or 3 people that won't agree with what this blog is about..and as much as it sucks..if they were to leave,I'd definitely miss them..but I won't be sorry for telling them...You know what,maybe I will be sorry for telling THEM..but like said,I did this for ME..not anyone else..even my CLOSEST of close friends..so if they decide to leave,that's on them..

Speaking of which,another thing I usually say is,"if something in this blog offended you,I'm sorry"..but the fact of the matter is,there's nothing I said in this blog that I should be sorry about..so no one should be offended...Nothing I said in this blog SHOULD affect any friendships..but..who knows..

To sum up this blog..I'm friends with the people I'm friends with because we get along,we share similarities,and we like alot of the same stuff..that's it..nothing else...So if me being one way or another affects that,then what does say about you?...I'm your friend because I think you're cool...So look,just like in TAF4 when I was talking about religion and I said,"Maybe I’m making too much of this and people of 20(11) have grown up and don’t care whether a person is (straight or not)...But like I said..I’m not gonna apologize for being me..I never have..and I won’t start now…So for you that aren't living in Medieval times, you probably couldn't care less what (sexuality) I’m associated with"...That pretty much applies to this too...Don't like it??...Piss off..

For the very last time...Thanks for reading...I'm gonna go crawl in a corner and hide for the rest of the day...These Are Facts..

Sincerely,

    The Ambassador,

            That Guy