#low--kei

i’m in such a good place with my life right now. 

i packed up all my things. gave fedex all my money. and shipped all my shit cross country. from harlem nyc to hollywood ca. polar places in the states. polar places in culture. 

not gonna lie, the first week i was here i had anxiety attacks throughout the day. i blocked my older sister from my phone because i needed space. and i didn’t leave the house for more than 2hrs at a time. 

coming into week three now, i’m doing better. walking around the neighborhood daily, learning different landmarks, and becoming a face in the community - (the first night my partner + i were racially profiled by a neighbor). but that’s the only incidence we’ve had so far. which is pretty cool. 

the only work i’m doing is my freelance clients, graphic design & house-bf duties. cleaning, making sure a bowl is packed, and self-care. that means if i want to take a 2hr nap i can because i’m not losing money. meaning, sure i’m not making money but i don’t need that money because things are taken care of. the reciprocity factor is that taking care of me is taking care of her, which takes care of us. 

i’ve also been reflecting on how the sunshine here has effected me. it’s harder to be sad here, at least environmentally. i have low moments but that vitamin d definitely makes a difference. other things is just slowing down. nyc is such a hustle central place. people. noise. people. trash. people. horns. people. money. people. sirens. people. people. people. and here seeing people is in comparison an anomaly. i can say that california has had a significant change on my mental health. 

and still there are voids. i am missing my friends, my family, and my community. i belonged somewhere in nyc. i walked around harlem to smiles & hellos. i would show up in a meeting and get texts that read ‘i see you’. i would be out in the streets at a protest and someone would want to interview me. i was somebody. and here... i haven’t quite found a place. i don’t know if there is a place. but, i also must remember that it’s only been 3 weeks. so breathe. be good. 

few knew i was coming out here, most have figured it out by now. when folks ask how long i’ll be here i answer “for a few months then we’ll see”. truthfully, i’ve given myself until june 26th to get a grip, a feeling. i will never not have a community. i will never not have a hometown. i will never not have myself. so, learning to live with those three truths. and learning how to live with myself is the hardest part. 

we’ll see where the next transition takes me. but one thing’s for certain - i am doing better. and that’s really fucking good. 

It’s a part of my healing process. To hold onto hope that there’s still a possibility. I don’t believe we’ve exhausted our possibility. I don’t believe that there is no possibilities.

I have to hold onto these this small feeling that tells me “If you get better, it’ll work out”. And when I say "work out", I do not know what that necessarily holds. I know it won't be the same. I know that it will never be the same. So, I am not holding onto the past but looking forward to what could be. Essentially, being hopeful about the future. I have to hold onto these small feelings because I’m consumed by such massive darkness.

The scary thing is that I know them, but I don’t know the feelings in their heart. I don’t know what their heart holds for me other than love. But could there ever be more? Would there ever be more? I believe that love will sustain over time & distance. I believe that love is sometimes having to put up time & distance.

I think of last summer. I think of sitting on brownstone stoops in Sugarhill spitting poetry. I think of basketball shorts & Playstation3. I think of the memories we have together. There’s just as much good, but the bad was too shameful to even consider in measurement.

I am working on being the best man I can be in this world. I’m focused on going back to school this fall, getting on track with my therapy, getting a local psychiatrist for meds, and continuing to grow within the movement.

These are all the things they want for me. They are very affirming of my presence & importance in this world. And the best thing is: these are the things that I want for myself. I am dedicated to myself right now.

I won’t forget to take time to love myself, to care for myself. I won’t forget to breathe. This is a time for healing.