#lovio

Polishing yet another glass, I allowed myself a glance through the window. It was a 2AM kind of dark outside, seething into the dim-lighted premises of the bar. It never occurred to me before to properly explore the newly furnished bar with senses other than sight. And for whatever impulse of the moment, I closed my eyes and tried to make sense of my surroundings. It was quiet, and I realized that recently I have not been enjoying silence at all. Safe for the cars outside, and the humming of an air conditioner, the place had a hallowed feel of voicelessness. It was as if my ears were full of water trapped inside. Yet, even in that state of sound numbness, I heard or I felt the steps of someone who was obviously counting their strides.

Without exerting an effort to open my eyes, I told that the bar was closed. However, I knew that most sensible human beings would already assume that given the half-lowered blinds, and non-sensible ones would not have a care in the world about something as trivial as boundaries. Physical or otherwise.

"I am an employee, remember? You do remember, right?" 

Even before I heard a female's voice, I knew it was Runa. Very much present and persistent Runa. I kept my eyes shut for another brief moment. I don't know, perhaps, still doubting that she has unveiled herself from whatever hibernation she had been in. I bet the earflap she gave me last time required a lot of effort on her part and she had no choice but to go into yet another of her energy conserving modes. Or at least I had hoped it exhausted her at least that much. I wasn't sure what exactly was my problem anymore, nor why did she come here at such an hour. I finally opened my eyes and gave her a quick scan. Runa looked like Runa. Exactly how Runa usually looked like. Although her face was never devoid of expression, her eyes still had an empty look to it, much like the glass I held in my hand. She wore a plain dress of plain white color, secured by plain chiffon ribbons.

"Tables over there could use some cleaning" - I lied. 

I had already scrubbed off most of the surfaces in the bar. And ruthlessly so. Nonetheless, I tossed over a piece of white cloth, but it didn't nearly look as pristine in color when compared to her dress. Much to my surprise she didn't say another word and indulged in cleaning. Ironically so, cause it would usually take an arm and a leg to have her shut up or do chores for that matter. I failed to see the reason for her being here, at this place, at this exact moment. Ungrateful to the divine provision of the gift of her muteness, I defiled the awkward silence:

"Why are you here? And at an hour like this?" "To cleanse these tables off the dust" - she said as if a midnight sanitization was her most cherished fetish. 

Maybe it was. I had truly begun to believe that no longer anything she did would make me do as much as blink twice. I had been pushed out through the window, had my privacy violated in the most bizarre ways possible, my things stolen, my psyche exhausted, my face slapped. The list was endless. In the mere months that I knew her, she had already lost the element of surprise. And the only thing she could surprise me with was keeping her mouth shut for more than 2 seconds. I think I was finally getting used to having her always there, though as a thorn in the sole, which you just kind of learn to live with. I spent another glance on her, but all I could see was her frame from behind. I decided to stop wasting time on pointless questions and concentrate on fine-tuning of the glasses. If there was a reason for her visitation, she would surely let that reason be known, but in her own time.

"That's... A lie" - she said - "I went to your apartment, but no one was at home.. So I thought that.. Maybe I could find you here and.."

I felt her waiting for my response, it hung in the air as if she was withholding her breath. But I said nothing. 

"Lovio, are you angry at me? You are angry, aren't you?" she asked again and I gave it a good thought. I concluded that I wasn't, but I didn't entertain the idea of being hit either. 

While I never denied to myself nor others just how much of an asshole I was, (if anything, I might as well have established the fact one time too many), I also never got hit unjustly so. Somehow I always preferred having a verbal quarrel on clashing opinions, and would always leave physical means of doing so to fools who couldn't defend themselves using logic and reason. And I didn't take Runa as one of those fools who would resolve to violence. Nor as someone who would go out of her way to say sorry for something she did. Not that I thought her to be unapologetic, I just kinda thought she didn't have the marbles to distinguish what was bad and what was not. Part of me was glad that if we were not on the same page, at least we were in the same book. And I had to admit that seeing Runa de Miel admitting her fault was a sight to withhold.

"Fine..!" - she said, changing from defense to offense tactics with no visible effort - "I will have you know that I definitely did not seek you to say "sorry", let alone "thank you" for something I didn't ask!" - she continued with her recital, as I said nothing fascinated by the play of lights in the glass neither half empty nor half full. 

She was beginning to piss me off, and it had only been 5 minutes since her arrival, and 3 minutes since she opened that hell of a mouth. All sorts of comebacks flashed inside my head, but for whatever reason, I remained unasked.

"And I hope you will understand this. I am not a damsel in distress that needs your saving. I don't know what impression you got, but not everyone has daddy issues like you do."

She put an effort to spit out that last part with all the harmless venom I am sure her body operated on. I aligned myself to face her, with only the bar dividing the two of us, and now I understood why my body insisted on mouth sealed shut. Ultimately, to her, my silence was more insulting than anything my brain and sarcastic tongue would have produced. She sank to the floor and for a moment there I thought she would start crying. However, she just sighed and said that everything didn't sound nearly as aggressive in her head. 

"What a nuisance.. What a nuisance" - she hugged her knees - "and after I have recited it so many times..."

"All gone to waste, huh?" 

She laid down on the floor with her arms stretched far as if trying to make an angel of non-existent snow. I walked around from behind the bar and stood by her side like a hovering sword of Damocles. Runa kept her eyes shut, breathing heavily like one would after a brisk jog. Her chest inflated and deflated softly. From up close I could see that she was slightly dewy from sweat and the little drops of it pooled at the notch of her scar. The scar that divided her chest in two. The curiosity to see just how far down it went was overwhelming.

I snapped back from that moment of haze and sat beside her, resting my forearms on the knees. She didn't flinch. I guessed, Runa didn't respect the personal space of others because she didn't have a sense of her own privacy. Her breathing was still frantic, and the look on her face had a faint painful edge to it. She truly looked to be plagued by fever, but she didn't seem ill to me at all. Most likely she didn't handle confrontations well, or it was that important to apologize. The mere act of me jeopardizing her efforts seemed to be agonizing.

"Aren't you a little bit too old to be throwing tantrums like that?" "Right now I am exactly 6 years old, it's October and I am lying down under a golden chestnut..."

I tried to make sense of what she was saying, but it was futile. Whether or not there was something to be read between the lines, it was beyond my comprehension. I leaned closer.

"And then, one chestnut fell down" - I flicked her forehead declaring we were even from then on. A quiet moment went by and I couldn't tell what she was thinking because the hand she used to cover her forehead hid her eyes as well. It was then I heard a little, hushed sob.

"Idiot, Lovio..." - she removed her hand from the eyes and they no longer bore that idiosyncratic emptiness. No, that glass was half empty with tears. She got up from her idle rest pressing her fingers firmly against the surface of her forehead. "Chestnuts have spikes when they fall!" - she said straight to my face and proceeded to rub her skin commenting that one might have as well be stuck in there.

"Your imagination is a little bit off." "It's not my imagination. It's called age regression. I am very adept at it." "You just invented that, didn't you?" "I most certainly have no credit in that! To picture myself back in time, when I was pain-free.. It’s what I did." - she stood up and fixed the corners of her dress - "And you just ruined a perfectly fine memory! I expect you take responsibility for it."

I opened my mouth to ask just how I was supposed to do that, but the next thing I knew her feet got entangled with mine and she lost her balance. My body reacted on its own, trying to prevent her from collapsing to the hard floor, and in the sequence of those unfortunate events she ended up collapsing on me, instead.

Despite her constant intruding antics, it was the first time I had a view of her from that close, but still, no idea of whatever she might had been thinking. There was no sight of embarrassment nor unease in her eyes, that much I was sure of. As if my presence did not have any effect on the matter whatsoever. I might have noticed an edge of contempt, identical to that time when she slapped me for trying to.. Stand up for her? Well, I wasn't sure myself what I was trying to accomplish back then, but it seemed she didn't like being treated like a "damsel in distress". Or maybe it was a lie, a reverse psychology shit or something. However, I knew as much as just like back then, my body acted without me willing it to. A treacherous lump of meat. Her stare was unsettling and I felt my body go limp as if there was no hard floor beneath to support me.  

"I bet you could trip over your own shadow" - I said. "My shadow is a tricky little bastard. He likes to see me fall to his level." "I am sure he does." "I am going to say it again. I will wait for you to take responsibility for a ruined memory." "Hold your breath while you are at it."

Yet, I found myself deprived of the right to breathe when she pressed her lips against mine. Runa was on top of me and pressing her lips against mine. That was the least and, at the same time, the most I was able to comprehend. I wasn't able to think about anything else. Not about the heat of where her bare skin touched mine. Not about my own hands that were on her back and had been there ever since she fell. Not about all other ways my body reacted. Ways that put to shame the hard floor that was supposedly still there. The kiss didn't last more than a couple of seconds unless I had completely lost the sense of the time. She withdrew as peacefully as she had attacked. I stared blank, and she stared back. Completely unfazed.