#loving dynamic

That's the thing about being alone. My identity doesn't have to be based on the person I'm with. My whole life I've cohabitated with at least someone and those people always effect who i am. What things i can watch, when i can do things everything.

Right now the only people who live with me are my youngest two children and if there's any part of me was my idenity the whole time it was being a mother. I helped enough with both my sisters kids to feel a maternal link with them.

Kathryn- one of my neices is currently engaged babysitting my kids. The schedule works like so- right now they are in school and only need maybe 2- 3 hours of her time daily. So right now I'm overpaying her. Kids are in year round school and take semi-regular 2 week breaks. Random 3 day weekends etc. During those periods im underpaying her. Honestly I'm pretty sure she'd do it for much less just to spend time over here with the monsters.

It's weird trying to figure out what's important to me. Today i was able to spend a couple hours playing games with my daughter, a whole house clean (that Sawyer may have sabatoged) hung out while my brother did something with my air filters) and had visitation.

I've been rotating tv shows at bedtime. But i like to default to big bang theory because ive seen some but wasn't really allowed to watch it without hearing about it.

I like keeping a tidy home. I cook a lot more food than i need lol. I like video games but they suck my time hard. I can make time for them, not when my kids at home though.

My daughter tried to help me sweep today. My son wakes me up too early but so sweetly.

Fake yawn, " good morning mommy."

It's the most beautiful sound I've heard. 2 years ago it was a sound i worried I'd never hear.

I have built myself a wonderful life. Stressful, crazy making, anxiety provoking, but with growth with patience, with joy.

I really still don't know much about who i am. How to arrange my life to make it more convenient at least to be heathier while still having time to recharge. To prioritize my children but also feed my soul. To have a welcoming home where people feel comfortable but also somewhere i can rest.

I love Rory, when he's here i never want him to leave. I want to just be there helping me make better choices, to convince me that a little more modernization would please me once i got used to it, not to mention to take part in creating our home and lessening the responsibility some.

And that's why i need the time alone even when it's lonely. I need to know that i can do those things. I bought this home basically by myself, the help i had was wonderful but not mandatory. I can work, parent, socialize, as well as nurture my illness, prioritize self care, and continue learning to have a better relationship with my body. I can do it. I just have to shake it loose on my own. So when he DOES come i don't immediately become depending on him to tell me what i want even if that wasn't his plan. I want to know that while it would shatter my heart if we didn't make it, i would not be left helpless in the world without him.

Since Rory has been here we've had a little playtime but mostly he's been hyperfocused on getting my house together becauae he wants me to be comfortable in a house that makes sense.

And that makes sense, except it was making me feel neglected, unwanted, a bother.

Except in my brain what i was thinking was:

But also that this was stupid so i wanted to communicate it but also wanted to shut it down because i knew better.

But when we went to bed i crawled into his arms for comfort and cried and told him about how i was feeling and how i really did understand what he was doing. I cried more and we talked through what he can do to help me not feel like that way even when he's focused on important tasks.

The trip up is, we both would rather it doesn't wait until I'm in tears to talk about it. But when i was feeling the things at first it was hard to identify

1. What i was thinking besides trauma trails

2. How to communicate how i felt

3. How to not feel that expressing my needs is manipulation

Anyone have any tips?

Right now im thinking about texting him and saying, " I'm having some upsetting feelings i don't understand yet." We've been talking through text longer so it might be easier. And then he knows to get to a place where he can listen to me but also give me time to sort my feelings. Also it would feel less like manipulation if i didn't have a meltdowns over something he wants to help me with, something i do trust him to help me with.

My Rory has been here since Saturday but we've had less time to play than usual.  Lots to do to my new home and he would prefer my house be in order before he goes home.  

The first night he did most of the coffee table and we played a while. 

The first night, like many nights in various hotels i woke up having a panic attack and i was afraid, not of him, but of ghosts i have not yet put to sleep.  In an act of bravery i crawled back in bed after an hour of worry and went back to bed.  After that i haven't had difficulty sleeping with him.

The second day we spent an eternity at hardware stores and others; Getting most the things he needed to make my house more efficient and comfortable.

There was more play time until i had to tap out because i wasnt in fact restrained in the best position.   We re-evaluated what might be fixed i made some orders (thigh and ankle cuffs) and spent the rest of the night snuggling.

Yesterday there was no time to play.  I wanted to see what it looks like to have him integrated to my life so i didnt ask for extra from my home supports.  I worked, took the kids to visitation, we picked up his rental car, cooked dinner, had a routine.

He did things during the day to help put my house together but more he helped me keep up with the dishes, he helped me keep the house tidy.  He was a partner and not just a guy occupying space.  It weirded me out a little but.. i liked it.

And as sexy as sexy stuff is, i could spend my whole life on the couch with him after bedtime being held and petted on and loved on in a way that has nothing to do with sex.

I thought i had met and lost the one from me in college when i was sick (mentally ill) and he abandoned me. After 3 months i moved on, 6 months later he reappeared.

I dreamed about him. I cried over him years in the future. I thought what i gave to him was something i couldn't offer to someone else.

And what i felt about the marine is a pale reflection of how I feel for Rory. I can't say more because i never felt like this about anyone else. Not so much more intensity as discovery a whole new language.

Does this make me less poly? No. I'm poly because i dont really feel much jelousy and i dislike the way relationships are rigidly defined.

"I know you can handle it, but why should you have to?"

I don't even really know how to process the vast amount of support in those words.

I've always been the rock. I've been the one doing the most and the worst because "you can take it."

All the sudden there's a second voice in my thoughts, " why should you have to?"

Ive been so strong for so long and im so so tired.

Rory is doing his best to help me from what feels like a million miles away. Prime day sales, do you have this, are you looking for that, how arenyou planning on managing the lawn? Yesterday i told him if he was here he'd be driving me nuts.

He disagreed lol. He said "I'd take over the logistics and just give you bite sized tasks to do. You'd love it."

And ofc he's right. Only because i trust him. Maybe we have some philosophical differences about appliances, travel, diet, and other things. I know he'd want me to have a comfortable home with all the things i need to be happy. I realized he wouldn't yell at me when i didn't do things exactly right or somehow mindread while moving furniture.

Maybe i dont get that this time, but if the gods are kind to my busting ass and tired soul I'll never have to move without him again.

I told him i was very conflicted these days. That i was really looking forward to just being able to do me on my terms and learn who i am in the absence of pressure.

But i worried i might life it up and not want to give it up.

On the other hand, i wanted him to come here immediately.

A tale of healthy interaction.

Last week after i crashed my body because it's not designed to run every day plus ringfit 2 days.

I thought i told him that I'd asked the internet peoples i knew about rest days and they said 2 days on 1 day off was pretty standard for runners. That's the schedule I'd been considering already and so i was going to try that.

What i really said was two days off and one day on.

So, of course our conversation was not great from - everything ive researched about fitness disagrees with you and maybe you shouldn't take advice from random internet people when it doesn't make any damn sense.

Being unaware of the typo i did not fold up into a ball and him overide what my sense told me would be helpful. I pushed back, i reminded him these weren't random internet people they were people who I'd followed for years and they often included the biology of why this shit works this way.

But because he was also unaware of the typo we kept arguing. Like adults, with no personal insults just his "i worry about you losing hope when there's no progress and quitting ." And my, "every time i listen to a personal trainer person about being more intense than makes sense to me i break my body and quit because i have to heal."

But then i did the thing, where i told him it was hurting me that he didn't think i was smart enough to consider the situation critically and make good choices about what's right for my body right now and i was listening to people who were able to do things with their body I'd never been able to do. But more, why be against something so hard that couldn't possibly hurt me, just give me more rest.

And he listened to how i was feeling and told me thst he didnt know how the heck i was going to make progress with 2 days off and one on, but he knew i was really stressed out about still living with Richard, my house closing, and all the changes that were coming for me. He said, it couldn't hurt to rest a litte he guessed.

Then i looked back and caught the typo.

*facepalm*

Nonetheless, I'm proud of me. I knew in my heart i was making good choices and even though he's my Dom and even though i love him so much i wouldn't let him run over me in his desire to help me.

And he never did call me stupid or incapable of making my own decisions and when i told him that he was hurting me, he stopped.

Period. No arguments.

It was so hard, i cried because i was afraid that pushing back would cause problems, because the past was right there in my face and i couldn't ignore it. I cried because i knew I'd walk away before being with someone who hurts me on purpose again.

And it worked. Given i was really fighting back against trauma and not Rory and if i hadn't made a typo there would have been no argument.