#future building

That's the thing about being alone. My identity doesn't have to be based on the person I'm with. My whole life I've cohabitated with at least someone and those people always effect who i am. What things i can watch, when i can do things everything.

Right now the only people who live with me are my youngest two children and if there's any part of me was my idenity the whole time it was being a mother. I helped enough with both my sisters kids to feel a maternal link with them.

Kathryn- one of my neices is currently engaged babysitting my kids. The schedule works like so- right now they are in school and only need maybe 2- 3 hours of her time daily. So right now I'm overpaying her. Kids are in year round school and take semi-regular 2 week breaks. Random 3 day weekends etc. During those periods im underpaying her. Honestly I'm pretty sure she'd do it for much less just to spend time over here with the monsters.

It's weird trying to figure out what's important to me. Today i was able to spend a couple hours playing games with my daughter, a whole house clean (that Sawyer may have sabatoged) hung out while my brother did something with my air filters) and had visitation.

I've been rotating tv shows at bedtime. But i like to default to big bang theory because ive seen some but wasn't really allowed to watch it without hearing about it.

I like keeping a tidy home. I cook a lot more food than i need lol. I like video games but they suck my time hard. I can make time for them, not when my kids at home though.

My daughter tried to help me sweep today. My son wakes me up too early but so sweetly.

Fake yawn, " good morning mommy."

It's the most beautiful sound I've heard. 2 years ago it was a sound i worried I'd never hear.

I have built myself a wonderful life. Stressful, crazy making, anxiety provoking, but with growth with patience, with joy.

I really still don't know much about who i am. How to arrange my life to make it more convenient at least to be heathier while still having time to recharge. To prioritize my children but also feed my soul. To have a welcoming home where people feel comfortable but also somewhere i can rest.

I love Rory, when he's here i never want him to leave. I want to just be there helping me make better choices, to convince me that a little more modernization would please me once i got used to it, not to mention to take part in creating our home and lessening the responsibility some.

And that's why i need the time alone even when it's lonely. I need to know that i can do those things. I bought this home basically by myself, the help i had was wonderful but not mandatory. I can work, parent, socialize, as well as nurture my illness, prioritize self care, and continue learning to have a better relationship with my body. I can do it. I just have to shake it loose on my own. So when he DOES come i don't immediately become depending on him to tell me what i want even if that wasn't his plan. I want to know that while it would shatter my heart if we didn't make it, i would not be left helpless in the world without him.