love is a target with my heart painted on it
Written by: GerryStAmour
Explicit B-Sides Fic: [LINK]
Chapter One: Letting Go [Chapter Two]
“Juno,” Nureyev began hesitantly, and it was that particular tone that made Juno look up at him. He regretted looking when he noticed the man holding the white, silk garment bag that had been hidden deep in his closet. “This doesn’t appear to be one of Buddy’s costumes.”
“‘Cos it’s not,” Juno manages to say, looking back down at the journal he had been looking at. The aim was for nonchalant, but he landed on flat. There was a part of him that knew the topic wouldn’t be dropped, but he still hoped that it would. It took a great effort to not snap at the weight of Nureyev’s expectant stare.
But what could Juno possibly say? There was nothing he could say that wasn’t completely pathetic, and even if there was…
The only reason it was even visible was that the closet was close to empty. He had been staying the night in Nureyev’s quarters so often, his clothing was migrating as well. This was one of the rare times Juno found himself in his own quarters for any length of time, especially with Nureyev joining him, and it was mostly to look over some notes he had taken during a case he had solved a few years back. A few details about their current mark had some elements of deja vu, and Juno wanted to check his leads.
The thief sighed as the silence stretched, and Juno braced himself.
“Why is there a wedding gown in your closet, Juno?” Nureyev pressed gently, but it still triggered his response to strike out at him like a wounded animal.
“Why do you think there’s a wedding dress in my closet, Nureyev?” Juno snapped as he looked back at Nureyev, his tone defensive and vicious, and he immediately regretted it.
The man just watched him patiently from where he stood, an eyebrow raised delicately, but his expression impossibly soft. How could Nureyev just take his mean streak like that so easily, not even flinch or get angry in return?
‘I don’t deserve him,’ Juno thought sadly for a moment, mind swirling around the day he knew would come when Nureyev decided he was more work than he was worth, that he was too much like Sarah Steel, that-- ‘No. We are not doing that again,’ he thought sternly and shook his head, looking away uncomfortably.
“Well, normally I would assume you were prepared to be married soon,” Nureyev responded slowly, keeping a gentle sort of humour in his voice as he did. “Judging from your tone, however, I doubt that you’re secretly engaged or planning to propose to anyone.”
Juno put down the journal he had been leafing through and turned to face Nureyev fully, defensive fury flashing through him again. His anger was unfair, and Juno knew it, and that only made him more frustrated with himself.
“You seriously want to talk about this right now? Make a whole big deal about it?” he asked, leaning his elbows on his knees and narrowing his eyes at Nureyev.
“Yes, Juno, I would like to address why my lover has a stunning wedding gown in his closet,” the thief said firmly, and a hint of exasperation had entered his tone. The vicious part of Juno’s self-esteem celebrated that as a victory before he squashed it down. Nureyev’s tone softened as he continued, gently adding, “especially a wedding gown that makes him so upset.”
At that, Nureyev crossed the room to sit next to Juno at the end of the bed. Nureyev kept about a foot and a half of space between them, allowing him the distance he needed. Juno was grateful for that and felt some of the tension twisting his guts into knots relax a bit.
“I will understand if you wish to talk about this another time,” Nureyev added, holding a hand out on the bed between them, palm up, for Juno to take if he wished. “But if we are serious about working on our communication, we will have to revisit this eventually.”
“Fine,” Juno said with an explosive sigh, ignoring the thief’s hand for the time being. “Fine, we’ll talk. I was engaged, and then Ben died, so then I started drinking and spiralling and got fired, so then I got dumped, too. So there, that is why I have a fucking wedding dress in my fucking closet, Nureyev. Happy?”
If he hadn’t felt so nauseated and anxious about the conversation he was suddenly having, the stunned silence would have made Juno laugh. Nureyev seemed legitimately taken aback by the revelation and was doing an admirable job of processing the wave of new information without gaping dumbly.
“C’mon, Nureyev,” Juno eventually said with a roll of his eye when the tense silence stretched on. “It’s not like all of that wasn’t public knowledge at the time. You’ve researched me before, you had to have known.”
“I’ve only researched what was relevant for a… professional relationship,” Nureyev confessed, shrugging with a roguish smile when Juno raised an eyebrow at him. “I was taken with you very early on, my dear Juno, and had hoped for something to come of it. Since you couldn’t look up my personal information, it didn’t seem fair for me to pry into yours.”
“How considerate,” Juno replied with an eye-roll, but the sarcasm didn’t quite come through. The thought of Nureyev refraining from digging into his private, yet very publicly-known trail of fuck-ups, hoping to learn them on a more equal footing together, made something in his chest go very soft.
“I am known to be so on occasion,” the thief teased before his face turned a bit more serious again. “Now, none of that truly answered the question of why you have a wedding dress in your closet.”
“The hell do you mean by that, Nureyev?” Juno snapped, cringing at the overreaction. “You asked why, I told you I was engaged, so there. An answer.”
“That was an answer for how you came to acquire such a gown, yes,” Nureyev conceded thoughtfully, humming as he nodded. “However, this is at least the second closet it has been moved to since that time. It has been years, yet you carry it with you still, making space for it in your life even where there really isn’t any.”
Juno just chuckled a bit at that and sighed, the remaining tension in his body bleeding out of him. “Would you accept ‘I spent way too many creds on that thing to just toss it out’?” he eventually asked with a pleading smile, legitimately grinning when Nureyev laughed.
“Apologies, Juno. You will have to give me better than that to get out of this,” the thief replied warmly.
“Damn, that always works with Rita,” he lamented, laughing a bit along with Nureyev. Eventually, he sighed and finally took the hand the other man had offered earlier in their conversation, scooting over so that they were pressed against each other’s sides. Nureyev sighed and pulled their clasped hands into his lap and lifted his other hand to trace little shapes into the back of Juno’s.
“Why did you keep the dress, my love?” Nureyev prompted, his tone soft and barely loud enough for Juno to hear.
“I guess it was the last thing I had, from before everything went wrong,” Juno finally admitted, shrugging half-heartedly. He had processed a lot of this in his own way a long time ago, but to actually say it out loud to someone, to Nureyev , had tears springing to his eyes. “It was the only thing that I had when I moved out of Diamond’s place. Just me and that dress in an empty apartment.”
Now that he said it out loud, the absurdity of it hit him and Juno began to laugh, wiping a tear that fell from his eye. “I haven’t even worn it since the final fitting,” he admitted, looking up at the ceiling of his quarters and biting his lip. “I wouldn’t even wear it if I had a reason to now.”
As a shaky breath escaped him, Nureyev let go of his hand and pulled him into a hug. Juno was held tightly against Nureyev’s chest while one hand gently pet the back of his head while the other rubbed his back. Juno couldn’t have helped the contented sigh that escaped him if he had wanted to, and he could ignore how close to a sob it had sounded for the time being.
“Thank you for telling me all of that, goddess,” Nureyev said against the top of his head, pressing a kiss there before tipping them so they were laying down on the bed on their sides together.
It was an awkward position, with their legs still hanging most of the way off the edge. Juno curled his legs up, trying to scoot further onto the bed. Taking it as a hint, Nureyev demonstrated just how deceptively strong he could be by lifting Juno and carrying him up to the pillows.
When they pulled back to meet each other’s gaze, Juno gave Nureyev a watery smile and a sheepish shrug. “It was nothing, telling you I mean,” Juno sighed. “Hearing it out loud makes it seem ridiculous. I should really let go of it.”
“That is entirely up to you, love,” Nureyev reassured him. “There is no need to rush, and we’re not exactly in a position to sell it if that’s the direction you wanted to go.”
“I’ll think of something,” Juno replied. “Destroying it might even be cathartic.”
“It wouldn’t,” Nureyev said flatly. “That would be a complete waste, and considering it’s a symbol for a time before destruction was wrought upon your life, it might cause more harm to destroy it.”
“You’re probably right,” Juno agreed a bit grudgingly, but even as he grumbled, an idea popped into his head and took root immediately. Silence fell over them again while they watched each other, gently holding each other’s cheeks. After a few minutes, Juno said, “I’m sorry for getting mean. It’s not fair to treat you like crap like that.”
“Thank you, Juno,” Nureyev replied, straining forward a bit to give him a chaste kiss on the lips.
“I’ll try and make it up to you,” Juno promised with a suggestive wink.
“You always do,” Nureyev said around a laugh, his grin almost blinding as he leaned forward to kiss Juno again, deeply this time, and chase away the final vestiges of his melancholy.
“Hey Buddy,” Juno said, shifting awkwardly in the hall outside her door.
“Juno, darling, what is it?” she asked, concern so genuine in her tone that Juno felt the threatening prickle of tears again. One day, an older woman would show bare minimum concern for his well-being and he wouldn’t have the knee-jerk reaction to either fight her or cry, but today was not that day.
“Nothing, at least nothing bad. I wanted to talk to Vespa for a minute,” he replied in a rush, meeting the doctor’s eyes around the captain’s shoulder. “Privately?”
“Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of the captain, Steel,” Vespa growled, already on the defence and baring her teeth.
“Come on in, Juno,” Buddy said with a smile, which was a bit strained at the prospect of Juno and Vespa getting into another rip-roaring argument on their downtime as well. “And yes, I would prefer to be present for any disagreements or grievances you might have with each other. You know that, Juno.”
“This isn’t a grievance, or a disagreement, or whatever,” Juno almost pouted, wringing his hands around the metal hook on the hanger behind his back. “I have something for Vespa, a gift or whatever, and I guess I could give it to her in front of you but it’s a little personal, so it’s like really uncomfortable--”
“Enough, darling, I can step into the bedroom while you chat with Vespa,” Buddy soothed, ushering him the rest of the way in and shutting the door. From what he could see of her expression past the curtain of red hair, she had clocked the garment bag he was holding and was deliberately schooling her expression into a neutral mask.
Buddy walked through the sitting room of her quarters, pausing to give Vespa a reassuring squeeze of her hand, and disappeared into the bedroom.
Juno stood awkwardly near the door, shuffling his feet and watching the woman across from him. She had obviously been relaxing before he arrived, and was now standing stiffly in a half-crouch, glaring at him thoughtfully. Vespa’s hair was starting to grow out nicely, looking less and less thin every week, and she was filling out a bit now that she was eating regularly. Vespa was beautiful, and after everything she had gone through to finally reach this point, she deserved beautiful things.
“Well? Spit it out, Steel,” she snapped, clearly nervous at the extended silence in the room.
“Here, for your wedding, if you want,” Juno said, stepping closer and holding the garment bag out to her. “We’re about the same height--”
“I’m taller,” Vespa growled, eyes glued to the white garment bag in front of her as if it were a venomous snake about to bite her.
“Okay, whatever Vespa, I had it altered with super high heels in mind, so I’m sure it will be fine,” Juno sighed, trying to keep his cool for the rest of the conversation. “I’m broader, too, so it will definitely need to be altered--”
“Why the hell would I want a dress, Steel?” Vespa interrupted, wrapping her arms around her middle and finally looking back at his face. “Do I look like someone who would wear a goddamned fucking dress?”
“No, you don’t. Like you really, really don’t, Vespa. But it’s also your wedding and,” Juno paused, sighing, “I’ve had this dress for a long time, and it deserves to make someone happy again.”
“And what does that have to do with me?” Vespa asked, and for once the growl left her tone. She was talking in a way Juno had only heard glimpses of between her and Buddy. She was caught off-guard, and she was opening herself up to him, asking him to say clearly what he was offering her.
“I guess if someone was going to wear it, I would want…” Juno trailed off a bit, swallowing around the lump that suddenly formed in his throat, and took a fortifying breath. “I would want my family to have it.”
There was a long, pregnant silence as Juno struggled to meet Vespa’s eyes and the woman gaped at him. It hit Juno just how sappy that had sounded and his face heated up almost painfully and he began to withdraw his proffered hand. His movement seemed to trigger a response from Vespa, and her face contorted a bit.
“What the fuck, Steel--”
“Listen, if you don’t want it, fine, I thought I would offer before I sold it--”
“I didn’t say I didn’t fucking want it, Steel,” Vespa hissed, snatching the garment bag and holding it to her chest. Scrubbing harshly at her eyes, which seemed very red and watery all of a sudden, she looked down at it. “You can’t just take gifts back like that.”
“Well, it didn’t really seem like you wanted it!” Juno said defensively, but a smile was on his face.
“This doesn’t mean I’ll actually wear it, Steel,” she bit out, meeting his gaze firmly, but without the defensive anger she would normally project. “I accept your gift, but I’ll probably still hate it because I don’t. Wear. Dresses.”
“Sounds like a deal,” Juno said, throwing his hands up and backing toward the door. “Just make sure you get a good price for it when you sell it.”
“Shut the fuck up, Steel,” Vespa said sharply, but she was looking at the garment bag with very obvious tears in her eyes. “Get out of here.”
“Yup, yup, I’m gone,” Juno said, slipping out the door and closing it behind himself. He hesitated just long enough to hear Buddy rejoin Vespa, the zipper of the garment bag, and both of their gasps at seeing the gown before hurrying off down the hall.
He felt pretty good about things and definitely wanted to share this good cheer with someone special.
The next morning found Juno sitting in the common room (or the rec room, whatever) and staring through the big window into the vacuum of space. He was still sleepy and working on his first cup of coffee, and he yawned loudly into the empty room. For once, Juno had risen before Nureyev, and he was excited to tease him with that the moment he awoke.
“Juno, you’re up early.”
Juno yelped and spilt his coffee a bit, hissing at the slight burn of it through his thin shirt and turned his head to glare at Buddy as she rounded the couch.
“Yeah, I know, a real shock,” he grumbled bitterly as he wiped at the wet spot on his chest.
“I’m glad to have caught you alone, darling. I was dreading getting you away from Ransom to say this,” she confessed as she sat down next to him, laughing at that thought before turning serious and meeting Juno’s eye. “I wanted to thank you for the gown.”
He cringed at that and shook his head, putting his coffee down on the table in front of them. “Buddy, you don’t--”
“No, Juno, you will let me finish. I wanted to thank you for the gown; it is absolutely gorgeous and Vespa is quite taken with it,” Buddy said, sighing quickly before adding, “it is too gorgeous, in fact, for me to accept it free of charge. It is a beautiful gown and must have tremendous sentimental value.”
“Okay, Buddy, I want to stop you there,” Juno said in a tired voice. “It did have sentimental value, it still does, but not really the good kind. It was a reminder, and I just… it’s better off with someone else. I promise.”
“But what about you? It’s your dress, and you and Ransom seem to be hitting it off very well,” Buddy continued, her expression serious.
“Ransom? And me?” Juno sputtered, shaking his head and feeling his face heat. “I mean that might be an um, a possibility, in a few years if we survive, but r-r-right now? No.”
“I didn’t say ‘right now,’ Juno,” Buddy replied knowingly, smiling gently.
“Yeah, I know, but that dress belonged to a different Juno, from a different time, and it was for Diamond,” he said in a rush, looking back out the window. “It wouldn’t feel right wearing it for Ransom, or anyone else.”
Buddy hummed thoughtfully and said, “that makes sense, darling. It still does not cover the question of compensation, though.”
“It’s a gift,” Juno said firmly, glancing back at his captain.
“It’s far too nice to be a gift, darling,” Buddy insisted. “At least not for free.”
“It wasn’t ‘free,’ Buddy,” Juno insisted, turning to look at her fully again. “I told Vespa yesterday that if someone was going to have it, I wanted it to be family. I figured she’d’ve told you.”
From the dumbstruck expression on Buddy’s face, Vespa had not told her the conditions of the gift and Juno flinched when her eye turned glassy and wet with unshed tears. Juno felt his own eye tear up and looked up at the ceiling to try and stop them from falling.
“So, the price of the gown was putting up with my bullshit long enough for me to get all attached and needy,” Juno bit out, letting out a shuddery breath.
“Oh, Juno, darling,” Buddy said breathlessly, and suddenly Juno found himself in a firm hug that caught him off guard. The captain was much stronger than she looked; the way she clung to him the embrace was almost painful. He returned it readily though, laughing a bit as the movement knocked his tears loose.
The hug ended as quickly as it had begun, and Buddy pulled back to meet Juno’s gaze with a watery smile. “I am glad we are family, Juno. And I gratefully accept your gift, and will not speak of compensating you any further,” she said with a laugh.
“Well, I mean, if you want to give me a few extra creds for it, I’m not gonna complain,” Juno teased and laughed when Buddy smacked him upside the head lightly.
“Don’t ruin the beautiful moment, Juno,” she scolded, but the smile was still on her face as she stood up. “I will leave you two alone.”
It was that moment Juno realized Nureyev had entered the room at some point and was waiting patiently for them to finish their conversation. He smiled, a bit strained, at Buddy as she approached him and bowed slightly.
“Captain,” he greeted.
“Good morning, Pete,” she replied, pausing to pat his cheek before pulling him down to whisper something in his ear. Interestingly, Nureyev flushed deeply just before the captain stepped away and continued her exit. “You two, keep it clean in the common areas.”
“So,” Juno began, breaking the thick silence that descended after Buddy’s departure. “You gonna tell me what she said that got you so red?”
“No,” Nureyev said, turning even redder as he came around the couch to sit with Juno. “Not yet, at least.”
“Hmm, tempted to pull the whole ‘communication’ card with you,” Juno teased, sighing when Nureyev pulled him into a gentle embrace.
“It was merely a suggestion about the future,” Nureyev replied, stroking one hand up and down Juno’s torso. “You will know, someday.”
“Fine,” Juno said, too sleepy to argue further for answers and already allowing his eye to flutter shut. “Have it your way.”
“I shall, my beautiful lady,” Nureyev replied, his voice so tender it made Juno’s entire chest squeeze.
Everything felt good. Perhaps not perfect, but good. Right. He was in the arms of someone he cared deeply for, on a ship with a crew--no, a family he trusted with his life, and a home. An honest to God home . Not like his apartment back in Hyperion City, not even the place he shared with Diamond or the apartment he grew up in with his mom and brother. Somehow, Juno had learned to feel safe and secure for the first time in many years, possibly the first time in his whole life.
He was safe, he was in Nureyev’s arms, and he was finally letting go of that last, jagged piece of his past. And, in spite of everything he had gone through, Juno was actually happy.
